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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds visit after years nc

53 replies

CheeseAndWine71 · 24/08/2017 17:07

DS is coming to visit after years abroad. We are nc and the reason for the visit is to see a family member who is very sick. She has borrowed money for the travel and I have been asked to accommodate her for the visit, about a week, as she can't afford hotel etc. Reason for nc is related to child welfare issues which still make me angry. I don't want her in my house but don't want to make situation worse for sick aunt. They have no room for her and no other family nearby. Aibu to say no? Or should I just agree and keep the peace somehow?

OP posts:

BellaNoche · 25/08/2017 09:05

Hello OP,
I can still read your upset in your writing, I think this has clearly been quite an upsetting bit of history between you.

A week putting someone up like this is not going to be a healing experience for you, far from it. I would avoid. You are not the cause of all this upset and she should sort her own stuff out.

As another poster has said, she appears to be manipulating sick aunt.

Areyoureallykidding · 25/08/2017 09:09

Honestly, YANBU. My brother and I have not talked for years and cannot stand him (past issues warranted).

Fairenuff · 25/08/2017 09:11

No you don't have to put her up. She will have to find somewhere else.

diddl · 25/08/2017 09:13

Who went nc with whom?

If you did & the reasons that you did are still happening iyswim then why would you say yes? Or why would you say yes at all if you still want to be NC?

If she went NC & the only reason that she is now in touch is a place to stay then why would you say yes?

Short version-yanbu to say no!

Mustang27 · 25/08/2017 09:21

I know it's crap but could you try and house her with a friend or cheapie hotel room and pay for it. Not your problem I realise but you are going to be guilted into having her in your space it's not going to end well. I really feel for you,

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 09:24

Stay NC - you're only inviting stress into your life otherwise.
Your sis can sort her own accommodation out.

Bezm · 25/08/2017 09:24

She's your sister. You might regret it in the future if you say no. Let go of the past, make her feel welcome, just don't lend/give her any money. Be the bigger person!
Resentment can eat away at you.

ShitOrBust · 25/08/2017 09:29

No fuckin' way. she'll just have to cobble together a few pennies and find cheap digs herself. her bed for a few nights is not your responsibility. i would tell her to cunt off jog on.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 25/08/2017 09:30

Does your sick aunt know the history between you and your sister? If she thinks it was just a tiff she may not realise what she's asking.

IF the aunt is terminally ill, and IF your sister is close to her, I think I'd try to help somehow. I like a PP's suggestion of paying for a very cheap hotel if you can afford it fairly comfortably, and think of it as doing something nice for your aunt rather than your sister. But if you can't afford that, I'm not sure about having her in your house. It's easy to say set iron clad rules, but would she take any notice of them?

Floralnomad · 25/08/2017 09:35

I'd just do it , don't get involved with her just provide the bed and access to food ( if that's the arrangement) and be civil when your paths cross . My mum is NC with her sister ( and consequently so are the rest of us) and whenever they have to communicate - family deaths , organising funerals etc it works ok just being civil .

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/08/2017 09:36

I wouldn't accommodate her. The likelihood is that the animosity between you would flare up again, and leave you both even more upset and angry than before.

Is there not a floor or sofa she can sleep on with other relatives? It's only a week. She doesn't need a bed.

HotelEuphoria · 25/08/2017 09:42

Agree it's not your problem, but if you thought the Aunt would benefit from seeing her then I would begrudgingly pay for or contribute towards her staying in some cheap accommodation so you didn't have to see her.

Original poster

CheeseAndWine71 · 25/08/2017 09:49

Thanks for responses. I agree there is a high chance of it being a disaster. However aunt is terminal, and I am only family left in area. Aunt has no room, very small 1 bed + medical equip. Feels like I should just be the bigger person for the few days, but not sure how to.

We went nc as she walked out on her husband and 4 kids for another guy, nothing to do with money, but they are still all struggling. I want to make things right for my aunt who doesn't need the worry and stress, thinking about a short break over those days but the kids are going back to school so not really practical.

Thanks for advice everyone.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 10:11

It would be a no here, nc is nc. She is not coming to see you and make it up, but to use you. She can find a hostel or an aiebnb, or she can't go.

RedHelenB · 25/08/2017 10:16

I would for your aunts sake. And she's your sister.

FannyFifer · 25/08/2017 10:18

It's a no from me.

HighwayDragon1 · 25/08/2017 10:22

Air bnb is across the world, we stay in them across the globe!

Iwantamarshmallow · 25/08/2017 10:41

Just say no. I am NC with family members and would not let them stay.

diddl · 25/08/2017 10:48

It isn't Op's fault that her sister doesn't have the money.

Could you pay for her to stay anywhere?

That way you have done it for your Aunt.

OliviaStabler · 25/08/2017 10:51

'For the sake of the aunt'- if the aunt cares so much she can fund her accommodation or put her up herself.

Do you know for a fact the Aunt has the money to do so? Maybe this is the only option?

I have done things involving a relative I am nc with for the good of another relative. Tough but it was the right thing to do.

Only OP can make the final decision.

Newmanwannabe · 25/08/2017 10:54

I think you should let her. It's one week. Is your Aunt trying to make one last effort to bring you two back together?

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/08/2017 10:59

she can sleep on aunt's sofa/floor!

NC means exactly that - NO contact.

justkeepswimmingg · 25/08/2017 11:08

I hate my SIL with a passion, and we are NC for a very good reason that I won't go in to. Regardless of a family member being unwell, I would not put her up in my home for the sake of that family member. She'd have to find her own accommodation, and I'd have no problem upsetting someone/everyone by saying no. NC means NC, and they need to respect that. Put your foot down OP, this isn't your problem.

Rafflesway · 25/08/2017 11:09

As someone who has been NC with family for many, many years, I would politely but assertively explain that although you totally sympathise with her financial situation, it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests for your sister to stay with you.

Only do this though if you definitely don't envisage ever reconciling with your sister in the future.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 11:11

If she's that desperate she can sleep on aunties floor or couch. There is noway I could do it. Just because she's your sister, does not make it right.

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