ExH and Daughters phone.

[Whatjusthappenedexactly]

I need to know if IABU. DD14 is very upset.
Been divorced 3 years. Acrimonious despite my best efforts for it not to be. I have honestly tried to keep the peace because I was the one who left . If it's relivant, DD lives with Dad term time due to schooling. She comes to us EOW and 3/4 of the school holidays. I have dinner with her weekly. I pay maintenance via the CMO because after the split he realised he could demand it any way despite a massive pay difference between me and EXH ( me less than him). He pays for her phone.

When she comes to my new home all is well apart from the texts she receives from her Dad.

Firstly, I have no access to her phone as it's a finger print entry. She is under strict instruction not to tell me the number pass lock. That in itself has caused grief but in the end I have let it go.

Her younger brother's phone can be unlocked without a finger print and he's told me the code. ExH has a history of texting offensive remarks about me that cause a lot of upset. I got into the habit of not looking any more as I only got upset and then the whole house suffered. However, tonight, my DS showed me a remark about me which upset him. I promptly asked to see DD phone and after many tears and protests she accessed it for me. The insults about me, my chosen activitities, our dogs names offensively misspelt were multiple. DD never pulls him up but in her defence she never agrees, just ignores and answers politely.
I had to leave ExH because of his bullying so these texts feel like bullying all over again. I'm also having problems with DD attitude toward me which could be age related, but I do hear my ExH in a lot of what she says. I'm now left wondering if it's these texts that makes her believe she can say what she likes to undermine me.

Additionally, when ExH telephones at night the atmosphere goes dark. We can tell from the children's answeres he's interrogating them and not really interested in what they have done that may be good. We can hear questions from him regarding meal times, bed times, activity levels , TV watching. If they give an answer that can't be picked apart he moves them on and picks on something else. For example, my Dad is terminally ill so we drive a fair distance a few times a week to see him. I combine this trip with a chance to see the children's friends but he's very critical of the bed times and lengthy car journeys. This is just one example. I'm left with the same feeling I had when we were married, that I can't do anything right. If it's relivent I spend every waking moment with the children when they are with us. We swim, walk, beach, bake I even Pokémon hunt because it's the best form of exercise we can get my son to engage in but ExH is really horrible about this to both the children as he seems to have something against it. DS is overweight so as far as I'm concerned if it gets him walking who cares if it's catching Pokémon.

Anyhow, I cracked tonight after seeing a text that called me rude and stupid... texted directly to the children over a pick up time by me where I was accused of being late ( I wasn't late ). I've told my DD no more privacy with regard to her phone. I want to see every text conversation with her Dad.

I've also texted my ExH and told him the insults have to stop or the phones will be confiscated. I wouldn't stop him from calling the children obviously but he'd have to go through my phone.

The problem with this is he will reciprocate when the children leave me and talking to them will become impossible.

My own DH has already threatened to take the children's phone away because of the upset. Honestly, when ExH is on the phone you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I have totally lost it tonight. For me, it's as though my ExH has a direct line into my new home to press my buttons and upset me. It took a lot for me to leave him and he's still getting into my home and head despite my best efforts.

If I remove the phone completely he will do the same when they are with him. If I continue to allow his texts into the home I'm not free of him. It's causing upset between myself the children and DH as the tension is ridiculous.

We have been to court once and I asked that a clause was put in place to try and prevent these types of texts. It was put in the order that neither of us would disparage the other ( I wasn't but that was the wording regardless). He's breaking the order but while my Dad is so ill I can't face going back to court. I will have to gobback eventually as he won't let me have the children's pass ports or change a few other minor details.

Until then what do I do about the phones.m? I've texted him tonight asking for him to stop. Pointed out it's upsetting our children but it's been going on for 3 years so it's unlikely to change.

AIBU to expect my DD14 to make him put an end to it or take away the phones. DS wouldn't miss his phone but DD will see it as the end of the world.

I feel like the bully of a man is back in my home and I can't cope. Hoping no one suggests I ignore as I have tried for a year but it's still coming and I can't ignore it any more. Not when I try so hard to be a good parent and my Dad is so ill. Having every action undermined by his nasty comments has worn me away again.

Agree you can't confiscate their phones.

I think you will either need to rise above it, or look at making wholesale changes to the living arrangements of your DC.

You say this arrangement seemed logical at the time, but it it's hard to see how and why you thought this. Who was encouraging this arrangement, your exH or your now DH?

Hippo and perper. Thanks. . You are the reasons I came on here. Plus all the good advice and support.

It's funny what gets under your skin. No I wasn't rude. I don't go near the house when I pull up. I sit in the car outside until the children are ready. Then I leave. How was that rude?

Of course he with badmouth you - you left him!
Doesn't make him a bad parent.
Blooming heck - you seem reluctant to even pay for your children!
Did you somehow think you could disappear, take ALL your salary, see the children whilst he is going all the grunt work, AND expect him to be pleasant about you!
That's a huge expectation!

He is a bully torwards your children
Picking apart everything they've done with you. They know if they say something that might upset or annoy him, how he will react

That is actually bullying

I would find sitting outside the house and not coming to the door disrespectful and rude.

And move this to relationships
Aibu is NOT the place for this kind of thread in any way

He is bullying your children.
If he does nothing else he is upsetting them and trying to ruin their time with you via these messages.

Just imagine how hard MN would jump on a woman who continually sent messages bad mouthing their Dad whilst they were with him m.

That is actually bullying

So is threatening to confiscate a teenagers phone for not showing private messages (not to mention trying to get a 14 year old to sort out the behaviour of an adult or threatening to remove the phone from her if she doesn't).

Calling me a "utter moron" is personally insulting and I have thus reported your post.

It does however give us an insight into your character. I have never, and will not be rude by insulting people and calling them such terms.

oh the irony. you are annoyed that your EXH calls you names?

I'm just getting the impression that both parties bad mouth each other to their children, because I can't imagine how the conversation of needing to search DD's phone would go without coming across as angry/controlling/bitter, etc.

The single best thing you can do OP is completely rise above it and let him play his stupid games. When my parents split, they both would constantly bad mouth each other and interrogate me about each other. It's been 14 years since they split and they still like to make the odd little digs (my mum in particular is very bitter and will remind me of the ways my dad was a bad husband and father). I don't have any respect for either of them and contact is now kept to a minimum. I may have been influenced by the things they said when I was younger, but over time I came to realise how toxic the situation was and it's caused me a lot of issues coming to terms with that.

Be the better person, ignore the behaviour and the children will come to resent the negativity that he is feeding them.

I think he's abusing the children as well - and you are being part of that

They are torn between the two of you - kids want to show loyalty to both of you and are caught in the middle

14 year olds are rude and disrespectful it goes with the age - be the best mother possible and speak to the kids about how they are at home - or even get them some councilling via school

Okay don't get upset for me asking this but I think it's relevant. Did you leave the marriage for someone else and therefore had to move out of the area? I'm not judging but it seems like there are a lot of unresolved issues in this situation that are manifesting in this low level antagonistic behaviour.

I typed the message because you took no notice of the ops original statement and picked out the parts that cemented your case
I think that is moronic. It is a point of view

gin it's part of the overall picture.

Like lemony I think it's six of one, half a dozen if the other.

You don't call people insulting names if you disagree with their point of view. It's the view that you are challenging, not the person.

He's a shit dad. He's bullying his children.

On the other hand you think you're hard done paying maintenance and think your child should be sitting her father down for a talk about his behaviour. This sounds less about you being upset for them and more upset for you and how you're being talked about.

Re phones, it is not appropriate for a child to have unfettered access to a mobile without their parent having a password. Buy them phones for use at your house and let that be the end of it.

Make it crystal clear to your ex that you've got screenshots and that if he continues you will see him back at court.

I don't bad mouth my children.
I sit outside in the car for a good reason.
We had a private financial arrangement that included me handing over almost 80 thousand pounds and what maintennce could afford whilst saving a deposit / paying rent. I also agreed to leave all private pensions scheme alone even though they were paid into by the joint account for 16 years. After 4 months and an extra 3000 pounds given to him in maintebce I was broke and missed a month. He said he would give me two month off paying him but before even a week went by he contacted the CMO. In addition to the agreement to keep all his pension in lieu of regular child mainenence he now has a fix sum from me via the CMO as they do not take any previous arrangements or salaries into consideration. Those who know the system will know that they don't even consider his salary being 3 or maybe 4 times mine by now . I have always worked and paid for my children all their lives. I provide a home, clothes food obviously ( he does not allow a stitch of clothing or shoe out his home when they come to me) . My Dad had set aside some uni money when the time comes.

Just want those who think I don't pay to realise I probably have paid more than most already and will continue to do so all their lives. I'm not an absent parent. It was a informed decision made in the best interests of my children's education and stability that they did not move with me. I simply couldn't match his level of provision or standard of living The only person it doesn't suit is me. I cry most days as I love and miss them both very much but I honestly thought preserving their relationship with their Dad, their quality schooling and their quality of life was more important than bringing them with me full time where I couldn't afford to not work full time, pay child care and provide a big enough house.

Flame away. I know I did what I thought best at the time. It still is best for everyone except me. I'm not looking for sympathy. Just felt the need to explain myself.

Thankfully I'm married to a man now who brings balance to all our lives. The children love him for being chilled at a time they need to be relaxed. They don't mind being with a Dad who runs a tight ship term time.

I don't bad mouth my ExH or family. I've been called all sorts which is why I now have an inclusion in the court order. That was my request but for balance they applied it to both. I was commended in court by the lay men for my attitude and approach to co parenting. He was admonished.

This is about a parenting issue. I know I can't expect people to stay on topic so yes I should have posted in relationships but I was looking to vent as well. Which I have and I am thank ful for all the replies, especially the ones saying I was unresonable. DD and I back on track this morning as a result. I will go back to ignoring her phone.

YABU to intrusively dig through your DDs phone. She's 14. How invasive! You sound awfully controlling.

I've often wondered about buying different phone for here but honestly thought that was "not normal" and would be difficult for my children to mange two phones. How would their friends know which one to ring? Two phones in their pockets? It's not a cost issue. It's a normality issue.

Glad to see you've seen sense op. I am all for looking at her phone if you think she's doing something illegal or bad but looking around for their dads opinion of you will only end in tears all around. Glad you and dd are back on track.

What your XH is doing is parental alienation, and is a form of abuse. Are social services involved? Because he is abusing your children by speaking about you like that to them. If possible, I would seriously consider being their primary carer, because he is an abusive man and he is damaging your children.

The best thing you can do is rise above it, not speak about your ex negatively to the children and forget about the phone issue. That is just a red herring and is just one method of communicating and he most likely talks to them negatively about you in person too. You can't control that. They will gradually see through him as they get older. It is incredibly painful for children to have one parent badmouthing the other one and the damage it can cause is so underestimated. It might be wise to get some advice from social services, as parental alienation is not really talked about all that much.

He is not a good father. A good father would not disparage their mum to his children.

I would get your children back living with you, even if they have to move schools. You need to protect them from him. They may be physically fine but I doubt they are psychologically fine, as evinced by DD's abuse of you and DS's upset at his dad's texts.

Out of interest, did you leave your kids with him because he conditioned you to think that he was the better parent or they would be better off with him? His emotional abuse towards you has affected the children and is not a separate issue. It is never just isolated to the parents.

I am getting so fed up of the people saying you need to 'rescue' their children from their father- I can only imagine how grating it must be for you OP. So unhelpful (and just quite hurtful I imagine).

Well done for calming down and thinking more rationally. Just focus on being the best parent you can be, and showing them that their dad's snide remarks are unfounded (be early so he can't call you late, be super polite so he can't call you rude, etc.)

I know it's frustrating to have to be the one who makes so much effort when he seems happy to have a toxic relationship between you- but remember it is the relationships that the children have with their parents that matter, not his relationship with you.