I need to know if IABU. DD14 is very upset.
Been divorced 3 years. Acrimonious despite my best efforts for it not to be. I have honestly tried to keep the peace because I was the one who left . If it's relivant, DD lives with Dad term time due to schooling. She comes to us EOW and 3/4 of the school holidays. I have dinner with her weekly. I pay maintenance via the CMO because after the split he realised he could demand it any way despite a massive pay difference between me and EXH ( me less than him). He pays for her phone.
When she comes to my new home all is well apart from the texts she receives from her Dad.
Firstly, I have no access to her phone as it's a finger print entry. She is under strict instruction not to tell me the number pass lock. That in itself has caused grief but in the end I have let it go.
Her younger brother's phone can be unlocked without a finger print and he's told me the code. ExH has a history of texting offensive remarks about me that cause a lot of upset. I got into the habit of not looking any more as I only got upset and then the whole house suffered. However, tonight, my DS showed me a remark about me which upset him. I promptly asked to see DD phone and after many tears and protests she accessed it for me. The insults about me, my chosen activitities, our dogs names offensively misspelt were multiple. DD never pulls him up but in her defence she never agrees, just ignores and answers politely.
I had to leave ExH because of his bullying so these texts feel like bullying all over again. I'm also having problems with DD attitude toward me which could be age related, but I do hear my ExH in a lot of what she says. I'm now left wondering if it's these texts that makes her believe she can say what she likes to undermine me.
Additionally, when ExH telephones at night the atmosphere goes dark. We can tell from the children's answeres he's interrogating them and not really interested in what they have done that may be good. We can hear questions from him regarding meal times, bed times, activity levels , TV watching. If they give an answer that can't be picked apart he moves them on and picks on something else. For example, my Dad is terminally ill so we drive a fair distance a few times a week to see him. I combine this trip with a chance to see the children's friends but he's very critical of the bed times and lengthy car journeys. This is just one example. I'm left with the same feeling I had when we were married, that I can't do anything right. If it's relivent I spend every waking moment with the children when they are with us. We swim, walk, beach, bake I even Pokémon hunt because it's the best form of exercise we can get my son to engage in but ExH is really horrible about this to both the children as he seems to have something against it. DS is overweight so as far as I'm concerned if it gets him walking who cares if it's catching Pokémon.
Anyhow, I cracked tonight after seeing a text that called me rude and stupid... texted directly to the children over a pick up time by me where I was accused of being late ( I wasn't late ). I've told my DD no more privacy with regard to her phone. I want to see every text conversation with her Dad.
I've also texted my ExH and told him the insults have to stop or the phones will be confiscated. I wouldn't stop him from calling the children obviously but he'd have to go through my phone.
The problem with this is he will reciprocate when the children leave me and talking to them will become impossible.
My own DH has already threatened to take the children's phone away because of the upset. Honestly, when ExH is on the phone you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.
I have totally lost it tonight. For me, it's as though my ExH has a direct line into my new home to press my buttons and upset me. It took a lot for me to leave him and he's still getting into my home and head despite my best efforts.
If I remove the phone completely he will do the same when they are with him. If I continue to allow his texts into the home I'm not free of him. It's causing upset between myself the children and DH as the tension is ridiculous.
We have been to court once and I asked that a clause was put in place to try and prevent these types of texts. It was put in the order that neither of us would disparage the other ( I wasn't but that was the wording regardless). He's breaking the order but while my Dad is so ill I can't face going back to court. I will have to gobback eventually as he won't let me have the children's pass ports or change a few other minor details.
Until then what do I do about the phones.m? I've texted him tonight asking for him to stop. Pointed out it's upsetting our children but it's been going on for 3 years so it's unlikely to change.
AIBU to expect my DD14 to make him put an end to it or take away the phones. DS wouldn't miss his phone but DD will see it as the end of the world.
I feel like the bully of a man is back in my home and I can't cope. Hoping no one suggests I ignore as I have tried for a year but it's still coming and I can't ignore it any more. Not when I try so hard to be a good parent and my Dad is so ill. Having every action undermined by his nasty comments has worn me away again.