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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ban "why did you"/"why didn't you" on this site?

56 replies

TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 19:09

It's on every thread now, and it's so annoying. It's just a way to feel superior to OP, usually. And some of them are just bloody ridiculous - "why didn't you anticipate a comet falling on your car as you were driving home and bring a spare car? That's what I would have done".

The thing is, whatever the OP could or should have done, whatever might have been the sensible thing or the best thing or the right thing, they didn't do it and that's why they're posting. And as turning back time isn't an option, it doesn't actually help to tell them what they should have done. Advice along the lines of "next time, it might be an idea to...", is ok, or "this happened to me, so I...". But the "why didn't you" posts are really putting me off reading threads now. Sometimes the stretches people go to are just insane, as well. If you're about to post a sentence like that, please, stop and think, is It helpful? Or are you just trying to stick the boot in?

OP posts:
fc301 · 23/08/2017 19:14

Why didn't you ignore it? 😂😂

Wolfiefan · 23/08/2017 19:15

Why don't you? Grin

drivingmisspotty · 23/08/2017 19:15

My least favourite is 'If you knew he was like this, why did you have a baby with him?' Okay, maybe it comes from being exasperated but there are many reasonable answers to this unreasonable question:

  • OP didn't realise he was 'like that's
  • OP was in love and hoped things would get better/other positives in relationship outweighed the problem
  • Baby was not planned
  • OP like all human beings does not make 100% rational decisions all the time
  • OP is already feeling regretful, guilty and upset enough to pour her heart out on here and doesn't need your smug ass response
Original poster
TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 19:16

Exactly, driving, and as baby is here and the OP is stressed and anxious, smacking her around for past choices is spectacularly insensitive. I dount anyone would say this stuff to someone's face.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/08/2017 19:17

I don't think it's always smug to ask that question. If someone says their partner has been terrible for years, I think it's a valid question and certainly something that needs to be considered in order to move on. I imagine if you went to counselling you'd be asked that.

drivingmisspotty · 23/08/2017 19:32

Okay maybe not smug but I do think it is insensitive to ask on here. Perhaps a counsellor would explore that issue - face to face once a relationship of trust has been built with the client. You just can't see how someone would react on here and often they are in the position of considering leaving an abusive partner. I would have thought asking them why they made a decision that they can change now would be more likely to make them blame themselves, knock their self-confidence and make them less likely to leave.

drivingmisspotty · 23/08/2017 19:33

I mean can't change now of course

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/08/2017 19:38

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3013946-to-think-that-you-dont-start-eating-before-everyones-been-served?pg=1&order=

I think this is the definitive example of the kind of victim blaming whydidyouary of which you speak!

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/08/2017 19:38

It's on the first bloody response too!

Original poster
TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 19:41

Exactly! Everyone jumping to a conclusion that wasn't mentioned in the OP and also doesn't change the fact people were doing something the OP found odd.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 23/08/2017 19:42

Yes, 'why did you have a baby with this man' is pointless and not helpful. I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't suddenly have a light bulb moment when asked that question and thinks, damn why didn't I think of that, I'll go back and change the past and undo what I've done.

I sometimes wonder what sort of lives some posters on mn live. Clearly, a hell of a lot of them live charmed perfect lives and they never screw up or make stupid mistakes like normal people.

SaveMeBarry · 23/08/2017 19:43

Given the baby question is often asked as "and you had children with this man why??" Hmm I think it might be a bit of a stretch to accept that many posters ask this for the purpose of helping Op think through her decision making process.

Let's be honest, there are plenty of MNers who fall over themselves to stick the boot in. 9 times out of 10 the why did/didn't you is about criticising the Op and allowing that poster to feel smug and superior because of course they would have made a better different decision. Seems to be a lot of it about at the moment too.

blueskyinmarch · 23/08/2017 19:44

There are loads of threads i stop reading due to this. It is really horrible. All these perfect people sitting in their perfect worlds hiding behind the anonimity of the internet to be less than helpful. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all as my gran would say.

sonjadog · 23/08/2017 19:44

I think it happens because some posters really enjoy getting the boot into other people and making them feel crap. I assume it makes them feel good about themselves, because otherwise, I don´t see the point.

Thurlow · 23/08/2017 19:46

I get driven mad by comments like "what do you mean, you're a 30something who doesn't drive? Just learn!"

As if the OP probably hasn't thought of that before Hmm Its most likely a grown adult who hasn't learnt to drive yet has a pretty good reason - health, finances, time - for now having done so yet.

sonjadog · 23/08/2017 19:46

I have noticed some posters have started challenging these posters about their unpleasantness. I´ve tried it a few times myself. Generally when challenged, they disappear. Not so much fun being nasty when people fight back. I wish that more posters made an effort to challenge these posters - maybe we could get rid of a few of them.

minoandolphin · 23/08/2017 19:47

Pretty sure no decent counsellor would ask their client 'why did you have a baby with this man?!' It's rather judgmental.

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2017 19:52

This goes along with "what did the police say when you called them?"
"what did he do when you asked him to explain why he'd done it?"
When the person knows full well the op hasn't done it and is really asking why but with a subtext of "this would have been the obvious thing to do why didn't you do it?"

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2017 19:53

No, it's not. Surely we have to ask those questions of ourselves in order to understand our reasons and our weaknesses? I can think of a number of questions that I could be asked that would force me to think about my reasons. And someone might say "He's always been mean to me" and then when asked why they had a baby with them a year ago, say "Well he wasn't like that then." That gives some perspective.

Laiste · 23/08/2017 19:54

YANBU OP.

Mind you I posted a 'why did you' response earlier! It was in relation to a posters friend and their picky eating habits though. So not earth shattering issues.

I agree when a person is crying out for advice or comfort on an important issue it's NOT helpful to ask 'why' they got into the situation. When i was little i'd go to my mum to tell her i'd hurt myself - shut my finger in the door for eg. and she'd ask 'why'? Then laugh. It might have been funny the first time - but ...

Flybye · 23/08/2017 19:55

Why didn't you check for traffic before you left?

Why don't you learn to drive?

I can't understand why blah blah blah

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 19:56

My least favourite is 'If you knew he was like this, why did you have a baby with him?

That can be a good question though. Why DO women keep having babies with dickheads? What motivated them? It has every bearing on what happens next.

Original poster
TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 20:00

How about "what was your relationship like before children?". Tells you more about the situation and isn't stupidly judgemental.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 23/08/2017 20:04

But if all the replies are strictly sympathetic there would be no open discussion.
The why why why response might not be helpful to the OP, but might help others with a head shake.

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2017 20:04

Probably because it's so incredibly frustrating when someone seems to be sabotaging their life, and their children's lives, in that way.

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