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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to ban "why did you"/"why didn't you" on this site?

56 replies

TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 19:09

It's on every thread now, and it's so annoying. It's just a way to feel superior to OP, usually. And some of them are just bloody ridiculous - "why didn't you anticipate a comet falling on your car as you were driving home and bring a spare car? That's what I would have done".

The thing is, whatever the OP could or should have done, whatever might have been the sensible thing or the best thing or the right thing, they didn't do it and that's why they're posting. And as turning back time isn't an option, it doesn't actually help to tell them what they should have done. Advice along the lines of "next time, it might be an idea to...", is ok, or "this happened to me, so I...". But the "why didn't you" posts are really putting me off reading threads now. Sometimes the stretches people go to are just insane, as well. If you're about to post a sentence like that, please, stop and think, is It helpful? Or are you just trying to stick the boot in?

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 23/08/2017 20:04

grand It's a good question in the broader sense and as a general discussion but there is no bloody way that anyone who posts that and only that in response to a clearly stressed or even distraught Op is trying to be anything but a dick. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen it as first/second/third response complete with face, it's like there's a competition to be first to say it. It's callous imo.

MotherOfBeagles · 23/08/2017 20:07

Thank god! I thought it was just me. Definitely drives me insane.

minesapintofwine · 23/08/2017 20:11

"I don't understand why you.." drives me probably because its been said to me

pigsDOfly · 23/08/2017 20:38

It may be incredibly frustrating Imperial, but a lot of people who get themselves into awful situations that look to others like self destructive behaviour or sabotage have backgrounds that have lead them to behave in that way.

Snide questions just add to their woes and, I'm sure, are rarely asked in a spirit of helpfulness.

Original poster

TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 22:00

The thing is, nobody ever tells the whole story in their OP, because it's impossible! So picking holes in it or asking stupid questions is just annoying. Go on what's there, ask questions if you really need to, but aren't we all just people trying our best?

OP posts:

RozDoyle · 23/08/2017 22:05

I came here to say what Stealth has already said.

I don't really understand what's wrong with asking questions though. Maybe not in a nasty way (I agree "why did you have a baby with this man?" is usually unhelpful) but in the example thread, the OP asked for opinions on people eating before she sat down. What's wrong with asking questions such as "how long were you?" to establish context? I don't get it.

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2017 22:14

So what questions are permitted?

Going on what's there in the OP is virtually impossible on loads of threads as such little info is given. Plus asking questions prevents a whole lot of drip feeding later on.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 22:16

What would be the point if no-one is supposed to ask questions?

SilverySurfer · 23/08/2017 22:28

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask and you had children with this man why? when the woman has just had the third or fourth child with a man who behaves badly and seemingly has never been any different. If the man was a cheater/controlling/a manchild/a cocklodger/lazy/whatever before they had their first, how did the woman think having two/three/or more children more would improve the situation?

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 23/08/2017 22:42

It's particularly annoying when the smug/ critical poster has overlooked details provided in the OP

"Why didn't you use contraception?" When OP clearly stated that she's using an implant, DP wore a condom and he's got an incredibly low sperm count... Actually, they seem to have gone beyond the call of duty to prevent an egg and sperm meeting in unplanned circumstances...

faithinthesound · 23/08/2017 22:50

I think people are fed up with and you had children with this man why? because no matter what answer the OP gives, the fact remains that she has had children with him. She can't go back and change that now, and she loves those children, so despite the less than ideal situation very few OPs would change the fact that they exist.

OPs in situations like this come in looking for advice. They wouldn't be here, wouldn't be posting if something inside them didn't know something was wrong, to whatever degree. Advice means, options and potential courses to take moving forward. Criticizing the choices OP made to end up in the situation doesn't help, as she can't go back and change them, and examining the course she took to get there is a job for a professional, not for strangers on the internet without the full details, however well meaning we may be. Obviously not all of us are here to stick the boot in. Some are, and I too like that they're starting to be called out. But even if you don't mean to stick the boot in, you might do it without meaning to because you lack a professional's training (and all the details OP wouldn't put on the internet).

Anyway, the point is, I get why people are fed up with and you had children with this man why? because it just isn't helpful. There just doesn't seem to me to be a way it can be interpreted that isn't either victim blaming at worst or just completely unnecessary at best.

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2017 22:54

Sounds like this is going on in Relationships topic then. I have that one hidden.

Zippydoodah · 23/08/2017 22:56

I think it depends on the context. Sometimes it's a valid question. Sometimes it only serves to frustrate people

faithinthesound · 24/08/2017 00:36

Oh it happens ALL the time in AIBU too.

Yesterday (I think? Timezones) someone posted in AIBU about her 1yo's tantrums, asking for advice. Instead, for quite a while, what she got were comments suggesting that the fact her child tried to get her phone from her and screamed when she was thwarted, meant that the OP spent too much time on her phone. "She didn't want your phone, she wanted your attention" "you should put it down once in a while". Nothing in the OP suggested that she's a full time phone junkie - just that she owns a phone.

It further mentioned that the child tries to climb the curtains to get the television etc remotes that had been placed out of the child's reach, and screamed when thwarted. Posters literally said things like "Going for the remotes? Easy to see what's the main thing in this child's life", implying that because the OP admitting to owning a TV, the child did nothing but spend time in front of it. Again, this was not indicated in the OP.

So no, they weren't questions, but they WERE unnecessary judgments based on little to no real information or facts, all because there seems to be a growing culture of sticking the boot in rather than having actual reasoned debate and discussion.

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2017 00:49

Judgments in AIBU? Well I never.

I though the Op was referring to questions more than anything.

Zippydoodah · 24/08/2017 09:58

Faith. That's terrible. Maybe they should just feel guilty and let her have the remotes and phone then smash them up. It's things like these that got me in the mess i am in now.

The other one i hate is drip feed. Apart from the fact it's a stupid expression, you cannot put everything in an op. You don't do that in normal conversation either

MissionItsPossible · 24/08/2017 10:08

Zippydoodah It depends on the type of drip feed. If someone starts a thread asking if they're lazy because they haven't left the house in a week or had a shower or got dressed and people say they are and then they reply and say "Also, I haven't got any legs, my electric wheelchair has broken, I've broken my arms so can't use crutches properly and I also have ME" changes it entirely.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 24/08/2017 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2017 10:24

In a normal conversation you ask questions.

PinkHeart5911 · 24/08/2017 10:29

I hate when it's a OP moaning about her dp/dh and people say "why did you have a child with him" ffs does it matter the child is here now, what's she meant to do send said child back?

Or people that say "just leave him" as the reply and nothing else, Yes because people can just up and leave becuase everyone has money and somewhere to go.

Someone that isn't sure what to do about a pregnancy and some will reply "why didn't you use contraceptives" like the op hasn't asked herself that. Does it matter I mean she's now pregnant and has a decision to make, unless she owns a time machine that comment is useless

minionsrule · 24/08/2017 10:31

I loved one recently when someone was late due to a road accident (op wasn't involved) and someone said 'you should have left earlier, i always leave time for traffic'..... that person must get everywhere very early 😕.
I was an hour late for work one day this week as cows had got loose on the motorway.... doesn't mean i'm gonna start out an hour earlier every day now!

Zippydoodah · 24/08/2017 10:34

Well you should allow for cows on the motorway. It's a common occurrence

SenatorBunghole · 24/08/2017 10:44

In terms of housework, it's useful to know whether the lazy husband was always like that though. No, you don't ask at the altar, but as most couples these days cohabit before marriage, it's reasonable and realistic to expect the OP had some idea of what the spouse was like domestically before the marriage. And useful to have that information to see if this has always been the case or whether it's been a slow slide. Also to know whether the OP accepts or previously accepted that housework should be more her job.

I'd say you are and aren't BU, OP. Sometimes people ask those questions just to be dicks, sometimes not, and people can do the sort of dickery you mention without asking why did/didn't you. Like with the remote/phone and tantrummy toddlers example!

MissionItsPossible · 24/08/2017 10:48

Another personal favourite of mine is "You sound very entitled".

grandOlejukeofYork · 24/08/2017 10:52

Anyway, the point is, I get why people are fed up with and you had children with this man why? because it just isn't helpful. There just doesn't seem to me to be a way it can be interpreted that isn't either victim blaming at worst or just completely unnecessary at best

Oh behave with the "victim blaming"! A woman who marries a dickhead, knowing he's a dickhead, has dickheads children and then comes on to moan about how dickish said dickhead is is not a victim. And they are to blame, much of the time. Why do so many of you think women are not responsible for the choices they made?

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