Too nice to ex DP? New DP not happy!

[Georgeandthemadcatsmummy]

Little bit of background to start with - I broke up with my ex DP 2 years ago after realising I no longer loved him. Split was fairly painless and everything works very well as co-parents to our 5 year old DS. We see each other most days as I do the morning routine and he does the evenings (at my house) until I return from work. Neither of us have family close by and so we need to rely on each other a fair bit and remain as flexible as we can.

Ex DP has had several girlfriends over the 2 years, but nothing has worked out. I was single for the whole time up until 7 months ago when I met my DP. Nothing has changed between myself and ex DP, things have virtually carried on as before, although there are less times were we may do something all together, as a family. I'd like to stress that there have never been any blurred lines with our relationship since we broke up. Everything is purely for the sake of our DS and his benefit / welfare. As an example - we might all go to the park together once in a blue moon if we're both around etc.

The summer holidays have been reasonably challenging and holidays and plans have all been relatively last minute due to money constraints for both of us (2 houses in SW London are expensive to run)!

Myself, my DP and DS have just been on holiday for 2 weeks to Greece and had a great time, further cementing our relationship. Ex DP has just arranged to take DS to Dorset next week for a few days to camp and fossil hunt, something which I suggested and offered him the use of my car for ages days. He's always been insured on it as he doesn't have his own and if he ever needs to use it to take DS anywhere. My DP is clearly not happy about me offering to let him use the car and is pretty grumpy about me helping him to organise the trip. He also mentioned a few weeks ago that he was occasionally jealous of our close relationship, despite the fact I have repeatedly made it clear it is purely for my DS's benefit. AIBU to think that he needs to accept the situation as it is, or do I need to change my approach to the relationship with my ex DP?

How long did you take to introduce yourself new boyfriend to your child? It's a strange set up to have your ExDP parenting in your home.

Your not yourself.

RainbowPastel There is nothing 'strange' about our set-up, as demonstrated by the fact that many other people have a similar approach with their xDP, as they have written in this thread. And what relevance does how long I left it before introducing my DS to my DP have to the question I asked? Everyone has an opinion of how long you should wait before introducing people, it will vary depending on who you ask and their own personal circumstances. It was long enough that I thought it appropriate to introduce them.

grandOlejukeofYork What's weird is your very black and white view of the world. We rely on each other to care for the child we brought into this world together, the fact that we can do that in a happy, relaxed and flexible way is testament to the fact that we have the utmost respect for each other as parents and want the very best for our DS. There is no trade off, or passing of parcels because I will have someone else to do it, or xDP will have someone else. It is just real life and I am realistic about the fact that he will have other priorities if he has someone else to consider, as I do now with my DP.

Why do you think your ex is family. You are both related to your child it doesn't make you two related.

I share zero DNA with my auntie (my mum's sil), but by virtue of the fact I share some DNA with her children, we're related. Or are one's parents' brothers/sisters in law not a part of one's family, jojo ?

George this is all I meant with reigning in the togetherness, that your new partner is feeling a bit insecure and sensitive. It doesn't mean that you have to stop this wonderful arrangement you have with your ex.

My goodness. If everyone who had a negative or grumpy moment was labeled toxic and would automatically
turn into a controlling monster bound to ruin your life: then no-one in history could maintain a relationship at all!

A bit of sensitivity is all that is needed here really. Good luck with it all.

I think it's great you got on for your ds. How would it be better for you not to get on? stress and upset no one needs! your current dp sounds a bit insecure. I can kind of understand it to an extent but this is the situation he has to accept this or moves on. Don't change things if they are work for you and ds for his benefit. No way.

We rely on each other to care for the child we brought into this world together, the fact that we can do that in a happy, relaxed and flexible way is testament to the fact that we have the utmost respect for each other as parents and want the very best for our DS.
You're awesome OP.
Just because people are no longer in a relationship doesnt mean they should suddenly go cold or distant.

You seem to care and reapect each otjer as your son's parents and he will grow to appreciate how you've both handled this.

You haven't made a clean break from your ExDP. Why doesn't he have your son at his own place? I do think it's strange he has him in your home. I can understand why your boyfriend is fed up.

You seem very snappy about how quickly you introduced your son to him.

I have same situation. Myself an Ex DP get on amazingly well and are a fab parenting team to our 11 year old DS. I wouldn't have it any other way. DP knew this when he met me - as did yours - so have no right to ever complain about it. My DP (now my DH - I'm new to this so learning acronyms!) is actually quite amazed that a woman can "let" her ex have quite as much time with their kid as I do.... (his ex is a fcking asshat)... But quite right that you are both putting your kid first! High five!

If it works for you then carry on - New DP will have to find a way to make it work for him won't he. It's not fair on your ex or your DS for him to come in and start changing the status quo now.

Who needs a 'clean break'?! Why is the important. When you have a very young child together there is no such thing.

My xDP takes our DS EOW and one night a week at his own place, the rest of the time he is with me but as I do the drop off I can't be home early enough to collect him from the childminders. My xDP starts early and finishes in time for pick up and then does the bedtime routine at my house until I get home from work. I then take over and he goes home. This is fair and it allows xDP time with his DS which he cherishes. I rely on him a lot in that respect but I also live in the area I do because of xDP's job and so have to work the hours I do to earn enough to afford to live there, i.e I stay closer to xDP to enable daily contact with his DS but he has to look after DS to enable me to work the hours I need to. It all sounds complicated but it's not. The balance of everything works well in that respect.

I'm not really snappy about it. I just feel that I wouldn't be able to win whatever length of time it had been. Someone will always have an opinion that it isn't long enough. For openness it was 3 months, although I admit I'd always said I'd wait at least 6 months. I feel like I made the right decision though. It's impossible to run 2 different lives (Mummy / GF) and he needed to get a taste of what he was opening himself up to and for me to see if he was good with my DS. So far he's been amazing and I couldn't wish for anyone better in that regard.

I think you're managing things admirably and for the benefit of your DS OP.

FWIW, my ex looked after his children at his ex wife's house (well the former family home) in a similar sort of way. Now they are grown, the children have a brilliant relationship with both parents.

So many men let their children down when their relationship with the mother breaks down - kudos to you and your ex for working together to make sure that doesn't happen