Too nice to ex DP? New DP not happy!

[Georgeandthemadcatsmummy]

Little bit of background to start with - I broke up with my ex DP 2 years ago after realising I no longer loved him. Split was fairly painless and everything works very well as co-parents to our 5 year old DS. We see each other most days as I do the morning routine and he does the evenings (at my house) until I return from work. Neither of us have family close by and so we need to rely on each other a fair bit and remain as flexible as we can.

Ex DP has had several girlfriends over the 2 years, but nothing has worked out. I was single for the whole time up until 7 months ago when I met my DP. Nothing has changed between myself and ex DP, things have virtually carried on as before, although there are less times were we may do something all together, as a family. I'd like to stress that there have never been any blurred lines with our relationship since we broke up. Everything is purely for the sake of our DS and his benefit / welfare. As an example - we might all go to the park together once in a blue moon if we're both around etc.

The summer holidays have been reasonably challenging and holidays and plans have all been relatively last minute due to money constraints for both of us (2 houses in SW London are expensive to run)!

Myself, my DP and DS have just been on holiday for 2 weeks to Greece and had a great time, further cementing our relationship. Ex DP has just arranged to take DS to Dorset next week for a few days to camp and fossil hunt, something which I suggested and offered him the use of my car for ages days. He's always been insured on it as he doesn't have his own and if he ever needs to use it to take DS anywhere. My DP is clearly not happy about me offering to let him use the car and is pretty grumpy about me helping him to organise the trip. He also mentioned a few weeks ago that he was occasionally jealous of our close relationship, despite the fact I have repeatedly made it clear it is purely for my DS's benefit. AIBU to think that he needs to accept the situation as it is, or do I need to change my approach to the relationship with my ex DP?

JigglyTuff

I know a lot of people who are divorced and raising kids. None of them, unfortunately, have a relationship as good as this with their exes. I think the op is doing a great job for her child. It's only natural for current dps to get jealous though. That doesn't mean they are controlling and a terrible person.

I wonder if nothing has worked out with your ex's girlfriends because they were jealous too? I doubt they were happy about him going round to your house every evening to do the bedtime routine.

I believe you when you say there's nothing going on between you, just that logistics mean you rely on each other a lot to make the childcare aspect of your lives work. As a PP said how would your ex react if you became serious enough with a new DP so that they moved in and were supporting you with your parenting instead, so that ex's role became the more traditional setup e.g 50/50 or EOW at his house rather than every day at yours? Would it cause conflict?

My DH was still doing "nesting" during the first year that I was dating him and it seemed to help the DC to transition to their parents' separation. However as time went on both DH and his exP (who was also in a new relationship) felt they needed to gradually put more distance between themselves both physically and emotionally if they wanted to move onto the next stage of their lives and set up new family dynamics with both sets of respective partners - it didn't mean they stopped co-parenting well together though. The DC coped fine (youngest was 6yo) as they were given plenty of time to adjust.

I agree with PP that your DP's new-found jealousy might be because your holiday has cemented your relationship therefore your arrangements with your ex are starting to bother him in a way that they didn't before because he was less emotionally attached to you then. I think it's great that you and your ex are both putting your son first and I'm certainly not saying to stop what you're doing - however I'm not sure that your current set up is compatible with either you or your exDp being able to develop serious long term relationships right now without things becoming sticky at some point in the future.

that is pretty much what things should be like for separated parents of young kids. If you find that threatening, you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with children.

People seem to be fine with exes having children together as long as it's minimal contact, non resident parent isn't around that much, the two parents only ever discuss the children, no time alone etc etc.

A genuinely good coparenting relationship is different to 'exes who stay civil for the kids'.

It's not for everyone, but if someone doesn't like a decent coparenting dynamic then the solution is to not date someone who has a great coparenting setup, not expect they change it because they're now shagging someone else.
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I would not be adjusting my relationship with ex-dp. This has worked perfectly for you and your kids have to come first.
You have far more to lose if your relationship goes downhill with ex dp as he is the one supporting you, what happens if new dp walks out one day? I am sorry but I would not compromise on this important and functioning part of your life.

I don't think it bodes at all well that your new dp is jealous already either. It is understandable, but not acceptable.

I am not sure I would be keen to carry on with this relationship is the conclusion. Your new dp needs to not feel threatened by this situation, but I am not sure beyond reassurance how you can change this?

Why do you think your ex is family. You are both related to your child it doesn't make you two related. However if the coparenting works for you both and your son and it was what you did before you met him you are not unreasonable to carry it on now although you may have to make a choice between this and new partner if he can't cope with it but that's his problem of course

My xh is part of my family. I may not like him much sometimes but he is. He has relationships with my immediate family and (obviously) with our child, I have relationships with his family. His nephews and nieces are my nephews and nieces. We are family and always will be though hopefully one day the sort of family who only see each other once a year if that

Thrust me from experience it will only get worse.

DP was exactly the same it got a lot lot worse

But you're not though, your kids are related to him, to his parents etc but you are not. You were by marriage but not now. Still if you see each other as family as you may do with a close friend or something and that works for you all than that's great.

The close relationship with your ex sounds lovely, but it would be "a bit much" for me... It does make it rather difficult to move on properly, perhaps as evidenced by the new relationships issues?

New BF sounds like a bit of a dick though. If he doesn't like the setup you have, he needs to end things not dictate what sort of relationships you have.

I fhink 7 months is far too early to go on holiday with a new partner and your child.
Myou saidnyou booked the holiday. Did Your dp pay towards it

OP has made it clear that they work together to care for thier child. Ex is going in the evening to do pm routine when op is working.
Lending him get car is perfectly normal. He I have loaned my car to ex to enable him to take our kids plus his thier kids to visit relatives as my car is much bigger. Should I have said he could only take our kids?

Suggesting a holiday destination in the course of a conversation is hardly organising ex's life for him.

7 months in and your new dp is complaining about your son seeing his dad as much as he is. That's not good.

He needs to understand that your child comes first and managing a split so it has minimal effect on kids is not easy but you seem to have cracked it.

If He is so insecure that He cannot understand your son needs his dad then he shouldn't be with someone with kids.

You need a serious talk. This could not saying it will but it could escalate into much more.

Red flags.

1. he's acting grumpy and punishing you by being in a bad mood - expecting you to change your behaviour to make him feel better.
2. he's wanting to punish your son by altering a set up that is working for your son, because it isn't convenient for him.
3. it's not even been a year and he's manipulating you.

Either be upfront, state that your son right now will be your priority and its his job as an adult to manage his feelings, whether that means he does it well enough that he gets to spend time with you and your son, or that you split up or that it becomes more casual.

your DP sounds like an insecure twat. would he really rather you were at each other's throats and your child was suffering? insecure, selfish twat. not good step dad material and if i were you i would think about my son first.

I had exactly this relationship with my ex dh. New boyfriend hated it and did his best to ruin everything, but I ignored and stupidly ignored other things too. It got worse and worse and I spent a considerable amount of time defending ex and arguing about the situation. Second dh made it absolute hell, but I wouldn't completely back down, although compromised on a couple of issues. Am in the middle of divorcing controlling stbxh. Am still friends with father of oldest ds. I would look at whether or not it's a control thing, or if he's just being a bit daft.

Save time, and ditch him now. It will only get worse.

You have a great relationship with your ex, which is hugely beneficial to your son. Why would you jeopardise that for a relative stranger. He has waved a little red flag. Take notice.

It's interesting to hear all your thoughts and your own personal experiences in similar situations. It is very useful to help me assess if I'm expecting too much from my DP etc and I wanted to say thank you for sharing your views. They're all welcome - even the more extreme ones!!

A few clarifications:

I paid for our (mine & DS's) share of the holiday and money spent whilst there;

DP isn't controlling as I see it. I think he's concerned I'm putting myself out when it's not really my responsibility to help ex DP out;

The closeness of the relationship with my ex DP & family comments - we are more than amicable for the sake of DS; we get along, try to be helpful to each other, and we share the effort of looking after our child. I'm not going to get bogged down in terminology - he's part of my life and shares the most important thing I have in it. If people can't understand how that would make you feel towards someone you had no reason to dislike then I don't know how to describe it;

Have spoken briefly with DP this morning and he thinks ex DP is taking the piss a little (also based on a few other things that I have helped out with etc) but that it really is none of his business. I reiterated that I had offered the car to facilitate the time away for my DS doing something with his Dad that he would enjoy and that I'm happy to cope without one for a few days for that - will chat about it properly later when we see each other;

I am expecting things to naturally change over time and the 'closeness' to my ex DP, for want of a better word, will reduce. If my current relationship becomes more serious then the need for ex DP will reduce, he's likely to find someone who needs him more etc and I'm assuming it will just work itself out. Assuming no issues from my DP going forwards - I'll be sensitive to him feeling funny about some things but I won't tolerate grumpiness or controlling behaviour.

Sounds like a plan OP.

Of course ex is still part of the family as his parents and siblings will be. And you dont have to be related to someone to class them as family anyway (some friends are more family than family!)
My kids grandparents on ex's side live a long way away but are still very much their family.

My ex spends a lot of time at my house to and I have no problem with it (apart from the fact he could take them out more often but thats another story) but I would rather he was here with them than not at all.

Good luck with the chat, hopefully dp will see what you mean, if not you need to rethink the relationship.

If my current relationship becomes more serious then the need for ex DP will reduce, he's likely to find someone who needs him more etc and I'm assuming it will just work itself out

That's a really weird thing to say. If your relationship with ex is all about your DS and good co parenting, why would you need him less if your new DP becomes a long term prospect? Are you looking to replace one parent or another? If not, then you are talking about your needs for ex, not the childs. And why would he then find someone who "needs him more"?

Very odd way to put things.

Your current DP is toxic, trying to cause divisions in your family.
He'll turn your child against you if you let him.
This is abuse and needs to be tackled.

This made me ! What on earth planet are you on?

I don't get the uproar about going on holiday with a partner after 'only' 7 months, either?

George I think you're doing brilliantly by your DS (and your xDP, too, actually). I've been with my DP since DD was a toddler, and although xDP and I have had our ups and downs over the years, we have always maintained as close a co-parenting relationship as possible. Having had periods of discord with each other as well, where arrangments became more formalised and our communication more distant and perfunctory, I know full well which is better for DD and better for all of us; she thrives when we are flexible, friendly and united. At the moment, she is 14, and moves fluidly between homes. XDP comes down to us most weeks to go to a martial arts class with her, and usually has dinner with us beforehand. He spends every other Christmas with us (when we host here) along with my parents. We are all (me, DP, DD, xDP and my parents) going away for a week together in September. First time we've all holidayed together (we've got somewhere with a lot of space ), but I consider xDP as part of our family (a sometimes infuriating big brother, basically!), and DD is absolutely happiest when that is the case and we are all together. DP wasn't hugely enamoured of xDP to start with, though he was always polite and welcoming, but they've got on increasingly well over the years.

That kind of relationship can't always be created or maintained, and it takes work and a lot of compromise, but when it can be nurtured, then I have no doubt at all that it is the best thing for the child. Your DP needs to accept that and accept his place in that dynamic, imo.

TatterdemalionAspie Thank you

grandOlejukeofYork Why it is a strange thing to say?! If I move in with my DP at some point I'm not sure he'd be overly happy with having ex DP there every night to do the bedtime routine. It is inevitable that there wouldn't be quite the same routine, although the basis of the relationship would be the same, in my opinion. The same for my ex DP, I'm sure any DP who he lived with, or was serious about wouldn't necessarily expect him to be at my house every day - by them needing him more, I mean that they would expect him to be present there as opposed to at my house. This is just practicalities of life, it doesn't mean things are different. We rely heavily on each now as we have no one else to share the load of raising a five year old on a daily basis, we work together as a co-parenting team.

I'm not looking for a replacement by any means, but if I didn't expect my new DP to help out with my DS if we all lived together would be crazy. Ex DS will always be welcome in my house, but I don't think it would be beneficial to have him in our pocket's if I were to live with someone else. I am confident that myself and ex DP can always find a happy balance with the amount of support and contact for my DS, it's more the dynamic with my DP that would worry me. I don't want to be left feeling like piggy in the middle and juggling everyone's feelings all the time.

My DD is now 23. My ex and I had a very similar relationship with each other - this has meant my DD had stability throughout her life. If you ask her she would tell you what a fantastic childhood she had and that having divorced parents made no difference to her, we were still a family unit.

Both of us remarried and we are all friends. My DH and my ex sometimes socialise together.

Please don't do anything to change the set up with your ex, the fact you are still both "together" for your child will ensure a confident and positive DC.

It's strange because you talk about "needing him" and how he'd move on to another woman who "needed him more". Not your DS needing him, you personally.

I agree with those that think you're moving too fast anyway. 7 months with new guy and you're already playing happy families on holidays...they wouldn't even ahve met my child if I were you.

Picky picky, its a figure of speech! She needs him for childcare why labour the point?
A new partner will 'need' him emotionally, physically and socially in a relationship its a totally different 'need'.

I do 'need' him, to help with childcare and general day to day practicalities. I made that clear when I said we had no family to help out.

Any new DP he had may also 'need' him to help out too, or to be present in their relationship. I understand that and wouldn't expect to have all of his time to help me and our DS. Life doesn't work like that when there are other people to consider as well as us. I have had this first hand already as when xDP has dated people with children and so have had to be flexible and adjust things accordingly. It is natural that things will evolve over time but neither of us are the type of people to jump head first in to something and our DS is the main priority.

I also have some experience of moving too fast and the idea that 7 months is too quick to spend time together on a holiday. I left it 9 months until I met an old BF's children and imo it was too long as I'd not fully appreciated what it was like to date someone with children. Whilst my new DP doesn't have children of his own he has lived with someone who had two children and so he knows full well what that entails and isn't the least bit phased by it, hence why I feel comfortable introducing him to my DS.

If I was to fall for someone, or consider a long term relationship with them, I'd need to know how they were going to be with my DS and how they dealt with the various aspects of me being a Mummy first and foremost. I'm not sure how you can work that out unless you actually do it. I'm 38 and my DP is 51, we're very clear that we're in a proper relationship and so I don't see what else I should be doing that would warrant holding back. Ex DP has had 3 GF's to date and has introduced DS to all of them, whilst I think that is a bit much I can't (and try not to) dictate too much as I trust him to make his own decisions.

It's not picky ,it's reading what is written. You speak of him like a parcel to pass on to another woman when you have someone else around. It's weird.