Too nice to ex DP? New DP not happy!

[Georgeandthemadcatsmummy]

Little bit of background to start with - I broke up with my ex DP 2 years ago after realising I no longer loved him. Split was fairly painless and everything works very well as co-parents to our 5 year old DS. We see each other most days as I do the morning routine and he does the evenings (at my house) until I return from work. Neither of us have family close by and so we need to rely on each other a fair bit and remain as flexible as we can.

Ex DP has had several girlfriends over the 2 years, but nothing has worked out. I was single for the whole time up until 7 months ago when I met my DP. Nothing has changed between myself and ex DP, things have virtually carried on as before, although there are less times were we may do something all together, as a family. I'd like to stress that there have never been any blurred lines with our relationship since we broke up. Everything is purely for the sake of our DS and his benefit / welfare. As an example - we might all go to the park together once in a blue moon if we're both around etc.

The summer holidays have been reasonably challenging and holidays and plans have all been relatively last minute due to money constraints for both of us (2 houses in SW London are expensive to run)!

Myself, my DP and DS have just been on holiday for 2 weeks to Greece and had a great time, further cementing our relationship. Ex DP has just arranged to take DS to Dorset next week for a few days to camp and fossil hunt, something which I suggested and offered him the use of my car for ages days. He's always been insured on it as he doesn't have his own and if he ever needs to use it to take DS anywhere. My DP is clearly not happy about me offering to let him use the car and is pretty grumpy about me helping him to organise the trip. He also mentioned a few weeks ago that he was occasionally jealous of our close relationship, despite the fact I have repeatedly made it clear it is purely for my DS's benefit. AIBU to think that he needs to accept the situation as it is, or do I need to change my approach to the relationship with my ex DP?

if I was your new dp and the roles were reversed of course I think id would be jealous.but I think I am rather an over jealous person(or lack the confidence that anyone would choose me) so I want to in some parts say I see his point of view.
but then it isn't going to work.becasue if you really are 100percent sure there is nothing going on.and your ex too then the new guy needs to either accept or leave.becasue if it is just for your son then it sounds wonderful.and so nice to see this happens in the world.as often we are on here supporting waring ex's.
in time too if it becomes more serious with new P and he becomes closer and more reliable to DC I think it might just naturally change anyway and then your ex might not like this and there will be all new roles to get used to.so things will eb and flo.and u might do things away from ex more anyway.
but for now.please don't change.if there is nothing and you aren't being clingy,flirtatious or doing any closie closie beahviours with the ex that warrants a jealous reaction keep as is.

Your ex is a part of your life forever. Your boyfriend may be probably is a flash in the pan. Don't fuck up your good relationship with your ex for this guy.

Also what AF said. 7 months in he should just be starting to spend a little bit of time with your kid at the most, not on a 2 week holiday.

Your relationship with your ex Benefits your son and for that reason alone I don't think you should consider changing it just to pander to your partner's insecurities. Being able to co-parent effectively is such a positive thing for the the long-term participants in this situation that I think changing it for a relative newcomer risks undermining the whole dynamic in a way that might not be repairable.

I am one year post separation from my h and we have a very similar relationship to you and your ex. Our dc are 12 & 14 and stbxh comes and goes all the time. As a consequence of our civil relationship our dc have coped fantastically with us separating and have a great relationship with their Dad still. I am very wary of meeting anybody else as I know, like what you are now experiencing, it will affect the balance of how things are.

I will not tolerate another man coming into my life and affecting my dc relationship with their Dad. If another man came along and accepted things the way they were great, if not he is gone. Do not let his insecurities seep into this honestly it is not worth it.

I think your family ( albeit spread geographically )sounds great for your child.

It seems civilized and in your son's best interests.
Your boyfriend is being an arse in complaining.

However in his position I wouldn't want to be a part of it and I would do the decent things and leave.

Sorry just wouldn't want to get myself entangled with a situation like that.
I'd move on.

Just reign back the "togetherness" between you and your old DP and see how it goes.

Please don't follow this advice. You have a lovely set up going on there which is clearly for the best interest of your child. I wish more people could get along like this. Your new DP should really see that and stop being jealous. It's pathetic.

I think a good relationship with an Ex in terms of co-parenting is worth its weight in gold, and if you have that then you should hold on to it at all costs. And I absolutely get what you mean about the Ex being "family" - mine is, and it's a relationship I really value.

hassled- I completely agree, and that's why I wouldn't want to get involved with such a "family".

Don't change your approach with your ex-that is unfair on your DS and also on him. The set up with co-parenting and a happy family life in the wider sense is paramount. If your new DP has probled with that he needs to get over them. If he wants the best for you and your DS he won't try to spoil what sounds healthy and positive. If he is selfish and doesn't put you and your son first he isn't a keeper anyway!

7 months in and you have already been on holiday with your boyfriend and child. Far too soon for that.

Part of the reasons I was wondering if AIBU is that to date my new DP has coped pretty well with the situation. He doesn't really 'do' jealousy, his words not mine, but it did seem to ring true up until now.

I agree with KickAssAngel in that my assumption is also that over time our relationship will become more distant, but at the heart of it will also be a very clear understanding that we work together for our DS. I'm not going to force that distance for the sake of my new DP's feelings though.

That said, I do care about his feelings, hence the post. He is very kind and thoughtful and I'd hate for him to think I wasn't being the same way towards him. I think I just need to ask him why he was grumpy when I see him later and talk it through. I guess his reasons might give me an insight into how my actions make him feel.

As for people suggesting I shouldn't be going on a 2 week holiday together with him. I can assure you I deliberated over it for many weeks and actually only booked the holiday a few days before we went, giving me enough time to work out if it was a good idea. It actually worked very well and we all had a lovely time. Up to that point we had only spent bits of time together as a 3 so it's not like I've moved him in or anything. I'm not really the type to rush into things.

My DP lost his mother to cancer at the start of the year and really needed to get away - that also had some bearing on inviting him along if I'm honest. I agree it may have been too soon but it didn't end up feeling like that, thankfully. I may rue that comment when we have our 'jealousy' chat later

I'm assuming your boyfriend doesn't have children of his own, and if he does he's not really grasped what being a parent should be about.

I can understand his discomfort, no matter how unjustified, but getting stroppy with you about it is not on.

I wish my relationship with my ex could be as constructive as yours.

XDH and I have a similar relationship. DD is very happy. In your shoes I'd be wary of any bloke suggesting I change an arrangement which is so obviously best for my child.

I don't agree that seven months was too soon to go on holiday all together either. At least that way you got to see how he is with your son quite early on. Rather that than move in together after a year and then find out that he's crap with kids.

My boyfriend and my ds spent a lot of time together far too early on, according the "the rules", albeit under different circumstances, to no ill effect (on the contrary, in fact).

Hmm I'm afraid I'm another one who thinks this is unacceptable. He is being childish and trying to disrupt a good working relationship with your ex while is solely to benefit your child.

Be very wary. And while I cam see your justification for going on a 2 week holiday with him so soon into the relationship, I think this demonstrates while most of us think that's a bad idea. You barely know him

Your current DP is toxic, trying to cause divisions in your family.
He'll turn your child against you if you let him.
This is abuse and needs to be tackled.

You are not being U. I have had a similar relationship with my ex H and father of my two sons over the years and the boys have benefited from it massively. My ex regularly stays in the house that I now share with my new DP so that he can spend extended time with the boys while my DP and I go away. An amicable supportive relationship between all the adults in childrens' lives can only be a positive thing. Your new DP needs to get over himself.

Imagine this was the thread :

Dp and I have been together 7 months. Her ex is at her house everyday when she's at work naturally they see each other when she gets back. I live 20 mins away and it's usually me who has to drive to her. They split up because she no longer loved him, I have no idea how he feels. They go to the park together as a family. She arranged his holiday with their son and he is borrowing her car for it. She says they never cross the line and she is doing the best for their son. Aibu to think they are too close?

It doesn't sound that unreasonable from his point of view. Your ex has had several girlfriends that haven't got serious too and I think it's for this reason.

Carry on as you are by all means, it does sound like the best solution for your son. But you might have to accept that a serious relationship is not possible at the moment.

I think you are doing the right thing for your DS.

I also think it was too soon for a two-week holiday with your son (a weekend maybe).

In your OP you used the words "close relationship" with your ex. Were those your words or your boyfriend's? I think there is a world of difference between "close" and "good". It's great that two parents who are no longer together are not just amicable but get on well.

As a newish boyfriend, I'd be very happy with you having a GOOD relationship with your ex. But letting your ex have your car for a while, helping him organise a his holiday with your son (is he incapable of doing this himself)? I can see why he might feel uncomfortable. I'm not saying I would react grumpily, but I can totally understand his feelings.

I've seen this situation 2 years on. My friend and her ExDh had a fantastic friendship post split, his job meant he was often away so they had an ad-hoc arrangement re seeing the children. He would often come home from the airport via his ex wife's to see the children, have a cup of tea and then go home. All lovely and really as it should be.

He then meets someone who decides this is far too much contact, upshot is, because of working away the EOW visits don't occur and he can go weeks without seeing them because new gf doesn't like it. He can no longer just pop in to see his children, gf times him when he goes to pick them up or drop them off ensuring no conversations take place.

She interferes over money issues which have nothing to do with her and were decided in the divorce.

Basically he should have put his foot down from the get go, but because she sucks his cock he lets her dictate his relationship with his children. Heartbreaking.

Your boyfriend is being ridiculous, the father of your child is involved and committed to his son. Cherish that.

Badabing - that is pretty much what things should be like for separated parents of young kids. If you find that threatening, you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with children.

Just want to add that if you cater to this jealousy thing now, be prepared for when you find you are expected to put new DP's needs above DS's. I don't like scaremongering and don't want to arrogantly assume that I know how you do things, but see this regularly in my professional role; new partner redraws the boundaries and subtly changes expectations, and some way down the line, jostle for position will DCs. In my opinion, new partners shouldn't interfere with existing arrangements, but rather graciously slot in. We can see the set up before getting involved.

Your current DP is toxic, trying to cause divisions in your family.
He'll turn your child against you if you let him.
This is abuse and needs to be tackled.
Are we reading the same thread??

Like PP's I can see both sides. While it's great you get on with your ex and co-parent so well, I can see your DP's side.

I've read lots of threads on here where people's partners or husbands spend a lot of time with their ex's - give them lifts or go round to their house to see the kids, and generally the resounding answer is that they should be seeing their kids away from their ex's home and getting their own car (or getting the bus) to get around instead of relying on their ex.

I also can't imagine many people here being happy with their partner's ex hanging about every night. What about in the future if you want to live with a partner or marry again? Is your ex still going to be hanging about your house every night?

It's 50/50. Great for your son but maybe accept that such an arrangement isn't going to work if you want a serious relationship.