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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after 3yr old grandchild for half of OUR week off!!

88 replies

motormummy · 22/08/2017 18:38

AIBU... partner and I both work full time and rarely get time off together, let alone a whole week as I have two jobs. I have two teenage boys. We were going to book a last min hol of some sort to get some time away next week.
Partner comes home tonight and announces we are looking after grandchild next week on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday while her mum starts her new job. We've already had her for quite a few sessions recently while mum works or does chores where having a small child about would 'take so much longer'. I can sympathise with that so no problem. BUT Mum has known about having to start new job for weeks, surely she had realised she would have problems with holiday childcare. She has sister, mother, aunties, the child's father and his parents to call on for help. I'm guessing they've all got fed up or turned her down. I'm pretty sure she could go to her dads, tbh.
AIBU to feel massively resentful over this imposition? I wouldn't mind if it was just one day but 3???
And what's going to happen in future school hols. ? I kind of think DP agreed cos if he'd said no there would be a massive strop and probably wouldn't see them agin for months. Don't get me wrong , she's a lovely child and I enjoy having her around, it's just because it's my week off.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 01:06

PS tell is what you do (and your dp could look after child and then join you on holiday, if he wishes to). It does not need to be either or. But if you drop everything, he (and the child's mum) won't learn anything!

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 01:08

or not so... or simply book a holiday and tell your dh it is already paid for.

mmmmnuts · 23/08/2017 01:36

It's your DP who's at fault here. He's the one who agreed to take her.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/08/2017 08:16

If he's only just agreed, I'd go with the plan of calling your SDD and saying that you'd booked him a surprise trip away. Or telling your DP that he should call her and say he didn't realise you'd booked a trip away.

Alternatively take your DCs without DP. He can always join you wednesday night. Your DCs shouldn't miss out.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 09:17

I'd half and half it - take your boys (or just yourself) on day trips out for the three days and leave your DP to mind his little one, that way you get evenings together. Then all go away for the second half.
Do NOT stay at home being resentful and making his life easier. Just shrug, tell him you've got plans and it's such a shame he's agreed to childmind rather than be able to join you.
Resentment over agreeing to mind kids, and liberties being taken, has ruined some relationships close to
me. Enjoy your holiday and, when he's realised how bloody tough it is to keep a three year old entertained for a few days, I hope your DP enjoys his break too!

paq · 23/08/2017 09:42

My DH has a 4yo grandson and if he agrees to look after him then that's his lookout. I participate and take over if it suits me but if it doesn't I leave him to it.

I'm not as heartless as I sound, I do also offer to babysit often but I don't let DH allocate my free time to babysitting for anyone.

cheval · 23/08/2017 20:27

Speaking as someone who had no family to call on when working or in emergencies, you and partner need to sit her down and explain how lucky she is to have you and not to abuse that situation.
I would also go on that holiday with my own children. If OH wants to stay at home and look after child, that's up to him. Your children may love a break with you.

Lovelymess · 23/08/2017 20:28

Put your foot down! 3 days of your week is way too much that's not fair

milliemolliemou · 23/08/2017 20:57

OP. Agree with PPs. Tell your DP away with your DSs and say to your DP he can join you after his three days of child minding. Get him to tell his DD that that is what is happening. Check he knows she is happy. Tell him you're sorry you won't both be having a relaxing time.

All this providing the holiday doesn't involve booked tickets/abroad.

Yes, the OP could take the SGD but it won't AT ALL be the same thing as being away with her DP and her sons and relaxing a bit.

Has DSD heard of child care? how is she going to cope with a full time job?

manicmij · 24/08/2017 10:05

How on earth can someone be starting a new job (take it this is from an "old" one) so what kind of childcare was in place then. If this is a totally new venture into work really irresponsible attitude taking job without childcare arrangements in place. As others comment DP is at fault get him to sort out.

Arrietty123 · 24/08/2017 10:34

Just go away with your kids and let your partner look after his grandkid for the three days. Why should you miss out on your holiday because he promised something without asking your opinion first? If you give in now, he'll just keep on doing it.

Babbitywabbit · 24/08/2017 10:36

Your partner is in the wrong for agreeing to this when you'd already got a holiday together planned. But his daughter is also in the wrong and sounds like a selfish cow. What sort of person starts a new job without proper childcare in place, and then punishes their own parent by witholding contact with the grandchild if they don't drop everything and be available whenever it suits? Ultimately it's also very unfair on the innocent grandchild being used as a bargaining tool - she will pick up on this soon and realise that she's only allowed to spend time with her grandparents when they're 'behaving themselves' and providing childcare on tap.

You need a serious talk to your partner. He should be telling his daughter that while you care about the grandchild and enjoy having her around, you arent going to be available whenever it suits. He needs to say that any actual childcare needs to be requested well in advance, and that if you're not able to assist, you don't appreciate being punished by her threatening to withhold contact. He should also be suggesting she pays for proper childcare because it's not sustainable in the long term
To just rely on freebies. Emergency care is one thing, but dumping the child on relatives just isn't ok

Lastly, I don't think you should feel obliged to book a holiday away at half term as a way of being unavailable- it's a slippery slope which will avoid your partner telling his daughter the actual issues.
Why should you have to actually be literally away from home in order to have a 'reason' to not provide childcare? You might just want some family time at home, or days out of heaven forbid you might just want to get on with things round the house, gardening or just sit and read a book in peace. You could be opening a whole can of worms if you start feeling you have to book holidays to escape this woman.

Shadow666 · 24/08/2017 10:42

Going on holiday with a 3 year old is hardly relaxing. Id be annoyed too.

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