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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after 3yr old grandchild for half of OUR week off!!

88 replies

motormummy · 22/08/2017 18:38

AIBU... partner and I both work full time and rarely get time off together, let alone a whole week as I have two jobs. I have two teenage boys. We were going to book a last min hol of some sort to get some time away next week.
Partner comes home tonight and announces we are looking after grandchild next week on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday while her mum starts her new job. We've already had her for quite a few sessions recently while mum works or does chores where having a small child about would 'take so much longer'. I can sympathise with that so no problem. BUT Mum has known about having to start new job for weeks, surely she had realised she would have problems with holiday childcare. She has sister, mother, aunties, the child's father and his parents to call on for help. I'm guessing they've all got fed up or turned her down. I'm pretty sure she could go to her dads, tbh.
AIBU to feel massively resentful over this imposition? I wouldn't mind if it was just one day but 3???
And what's going to happen in future school hols. ? I kind of think DP agreed cos if he'd said no there would be a massive strop and probably wouldn't see them agin for months. Don't get me wrong , she's a lovely child and I enjoy having her around, it's just because it's my week off.

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 22/08/2017 22:04

Just seen your sons' ages. That's really unfair that they should miss out. Leave DH at home and go away.

littlebird7 · 22/08/2017 22:05

Be the way you sound like a wonderful gc to this little girl, snd you are clearly kind and capable. Don't let others take advantage of you.
You need a rest, everyone does, you have plenty of time to look after the children when you have recharged and feel ready ( not before)

Wdigin2this · 22/08/2017 22:07

That's outrageous of your DP, he presumably knew what plans were in place, and should have told his DD...no we can't look after her!!
I'm also assuming, this is his, and not your DGD, but I expect you do most of the 'looking after'! You need to sit him down and explain, that he can't make decisions that affect you, without first discussing it with you.
Believe me, if you don't sort this out right now, it'll happen over and over again!

Dumdedumdum · 22/08/2017 22:12

Not clear to me that the teenagers were going?
I think you need to say to him "that would be lovely dear but you must have forgotten that's the week we're away - are you going to cancel or will you be having fun with gdd alone?" Or words to that effect.

scrabbler3 · 22/08/2017 22:21

This may be the last summer holiday you get with your older child, OP. He may not want to come away with you next year. Don't miss out on a holiday with your children because of the thoughtlessness of your partner. Leave him to it - he volunteered after all, not you. Don't be passive, they'll walk all over you.

Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2017 22:26

Would you consider taking the GC?

As a pp said, that often happens in the families that I know.

Either way you don't seem to like her. She is his DD, in the same way as your Sons are yours.

I have Adult children and I am single. I'd feel conflicted if my DD needed help to bring in money, but I had to refuse to go on holiday with someone else's children, who wasn't as welcoming to my grandchildren.

HiJenny35 · 22/08/2017 22:29

Too late now as you dp has agreed, I would be very cross with you dp and tell him now that under no circumstances is he to agree to being childcare for Oct half term. Then book a short break for thurs fri sat sun this week, I bet it will be lovely.

Nomoreboomandbust · 22/08/2017 22:30

Have your holiday with your boys. Your dp will have to come out if the garage and step up.

Then it's up to him to babysit or put her off.

Mum will get over her strops when she needs you again.

Tell him no you are going on holiday and let him decide to stay and babysit or not.

He shouldn't have agreed before asking you.

Nomoreboomandbust · 22/08/2017 22:32

Going on holiday with a 3 year old is very different from a holiday with teenagers.

One is full on watch by the pool/sea not relax and the other is!

Nowhere does it say the op doesn't like the child quite the opposite but even grandparents need a bloody break on holiday.

MadMags · 22/08/2017 22:40

Sorry but fuck that. I'd go away with my kids.

RhiWrites · 22/08/2017 22:54

If you live together you should really discuss these things before either of you agrees to an arrangement that effects both of you.

That could be a huge problem in the future.

thatdearoctopus · 22/08/2017 23:17

Too late now as you dp has agreed

I disagree. He can go back to his daughter and tell her he hadn't run it past you and there's a problem.

Finola1step · 22/08/2017 23:25

Go ahead with the holiday for you and your dcs. Your dp stays at home with gc and then joins you on Thursday. Why should your boys miss out?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/08/2017 23:27

You have to go away with the teenagers. He has to feel the pain of looking after the 3yo and missing out on the holiday. Next time he will think twice before agreeing.

It doesn't have to be an argument. Just kind of plan your time off with the teenagers and maybe mention how sad you are he's not coming. If he says he expects you to stay home and co-babysit just kind of look blankly at him like he's a loon who forgot the plans.

It's very nice of him to look after his DGC. Very nice. I hope he enjoys their time together. I hope you enjoy your time with the teenagers and they enjoy their time with you.

JessieMcJessie · 22/08/2017 23:28

Fuck losing interest, it's him who agreed to look after her so he is primary carer and you, who were not even consulted, should not be lumbered. Tell him you may help if you have time/inclination but you'll be busy with the teens. If you instead accept primary responsibility you are a total doormat and are validating shockingly sexist behaviour from him, behaviour your teenage sons will probably imitate.

CreamCheeseBrownies · 22/08/2017 23:35

I totally agree with thatdearoctopus

This stuff happens all the time. It's why so many people have a house calendar and a rule that if it hasn't been written on the calendar, it's not happening.

thatdearoctopus · 22/08/2017 23:47

But if, as you say, he has agreed to do it because otherwise his daughter will strop and punish him, it means it's deliberate. He values keeping her happy above keeping you happy.

5foot5 · 22/08/2017 23:48

she is definitely not an imposition in the normal scheme of things and we love taking her out or whatever. It's just this particular week. And I'm not going to be acting all martyrd. I just really needed a break, not involving the constant supervision of a small child.

He's not bad at the minding bit, he just has a tendency to lose interest after a while and disappear off to the garage

Right. So if you can't change arrangements now then what you can do is make sure your DP knows he really is on GP duty full time here seeing as he is the one who arranged it.

Don't let him slope off to the garage. If he tries that take the DGD in and tell him he has to mind her while you go and - you can think of something. Have your own plans - maybe with your boys. Basically make sure HE is the one doing constant supervision, don't let him wriggle out of it. Maybe long term it will make him more cautious about making these commitments in future if he is the one who has to fulfil them

thatdearoctopus · 22/08/2017 23:48

You have to go away with the teenagers.

But she wants to go away (also) with her partner!!

SpiritedLondon · 22/08/2017 23:51

I would be arranging some day trips for the 3 days and make sure you're not available to step in at the point where DP is getting bored. I think you'll find he'll be running future childcare arrangement passed /past (?) you a little more carefully in the future

Elvisrocks · 22/08/2017 23:59

I think you should take your sons away for a week and have your DP come and join you once his childcare duties are over.
Failing that, you should go off on day trips and leave your DP to look after his GC entirely on his own. If you aren't around to help him out, I guarantee he won't pull that stunt again!

5foot5 · 23/08/2017 00:00

Totally what JessieMcJessie said

BackforGood · 23/08/2017 00:30

YABU to change your plans, and to prevent both you and your 2 dc having a week's holiday because your dp has agreed to something without consulting you.
I would be letting him know that you and your dss are away so you won't be able to look after her. It is up to him if he looks after her on his own and misses the holiday or if he tells his dd and comes on holiday with you.

BackieJerkhart · 23/08/2017 00:37

I am a bit of a doormat for not immediately objecting. This was due to a) not wishing to start an row, b)not wishing to give mum an excuse not to start job, c) she is indeed DP's granddaughter and I don't want to be the cause of him not seeing little one for months

Ok, you lose all right to be annoyed at him with this comment IMO. Because you did exactly what he did, probably for exactly the same reasons. You can't expect him to assertive and say no if you're not willing to do it yourself.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2017 01:05

Actually I think your issue is with our DP and his daughter or daughter-in-law. Because you said " I kind of think DP agreed cos if he'd said no there would be a massive strop and probably wouldn't see them agin for months."

So your dp needs to work out the relationship with this woman, that he will look after his grandchild, if he wants to, on some days and she is not to punish him or whatever by not letting him see his grandchild if he sometimes needs to refuse to do the babysitting role!

Then your dh needs to run each and every request past you before he agrees if he is either a) expecting you to help with this or b) it is going to get in the way of plans, or potential plans that the two of you may have together or with wider family.

What you do about this instance, is up to you. I'd talk to your partner and see if you could maybe do the first day together, and then go on holiday - if you are OK with that. This means she gets one day childcare and has to ask her wider family for the other two days. So simply book a holiday and tell your dh it is already paid for.

Good luck.