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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Backdating money

57 replies

squiddie · 22/08/2017 14:35

DP asked me to move in with him. I moved in at the beginning of July and since then, my flat has been on the market with no luck selling it so far. He hasn't demanded any money from me yet as I am still covering a mortgage. I thought the agreement was that when my flat had sold, we would split the mortgage/bills down the middle. I am happy to 'rent' off him and not get anything in return when he sells his flat. However he has made a few comments about when my flat is sold and I 'backdate' him the money I 'owe'. I understand I have lived there and am more than happy to contribute to bills etc and I do most of the cooking etc but backdating me rent when I have still been paying for a mortgage seems a little tight to me! I have brought the subject up with him and his response is that I have been living there so I should pay.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 22/08/2017 14:36

I'd move back out again!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 22/08/2017 14:38

Id be glad it hadnt sold and move back to your own house tbh.
Red flags about financial control in the future possibly.

littlepeas · 22/08/2017 14:38

Loads of alarm bells ringing for me here! I would keep your flat and rent it out.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 22/08/2017 14:38

I'd move back out again!

^ this.

StumpyScot92 · 22/08/2017 14:39

How long have you been together?

QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 14:43

Move back out again.
I wouldn't live with someone unless I was prepared to support them through situations like this. Others might be different but personally I wouldn't wanna know.

justmatureenough2bdad · 22/08/2017 14:44

meh, the fact you're still paying a mortgage is pretty irrelevant... unless you are moving to completely joint finances... you say you're happy to pay rent to stay there and all, but it seems to be when you are ready...

i wouldn't make the mental jump straight to "controlling" just because he expects you to pay rent, as you had discussed, for the period of time you are living with him.

TheNaze73 · 22/08/2017 14:46

I agree with justmature

RainbowPastel · 22/08/2017 14:46

I agree with him why should you live rent free?

namechange987 · 22/08/2017 14:47

Tell him you'll backdate the payments to him if he backdates the payments to you for your mortgage plus any other bills you've had on it while it's been on the market.

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2017 14:48

No don't sell your flat and therefore your security!! And for what, to pay his mortgage instead? If you still want to live with him why don't you rent your flat out for 6 months and see how it goes? I really wouldn't get rid of your asset, especially when he's showing signs of financial abuse.

AnathemaPulsifer · 22/08/2017 14:49

You need a very full and frank conversation about how you both see finances working before you even think about selling your flat. Expecting you to owe him rent while you're still paying a mortgage is very unreasonable.

Firesuit · 22/08/2017 14:51

I wouldn't assume someone else was going to be paying for my accommodation unless they had made it crystal clear that they would.

Firesuit · 22/08/2017 14:54

Actually there is fault on both sides, if neither of you bothered to discuss in advance what the arrangement would be.

Theresnonamesleft · 22/08/2017 14:54

Didn't you thrash out financial living arrangements before you moved in?
What happens if you have a child together, will he demand that you pay back dated everything whilst on maternity leave?

Will you both have the same amount at the end of the month if you are both paying 50/50?

Goldfishshoals · 22/08/2017 14:55

I thought the agreement was that when my flat had sold, we would split the mortgage/bills down the middle.

Sounds like a simple (but unfortunate) misunderstanding to me.

I.e. He thought he was agreeing to you delaying payment until the flat sold (but you'd still owe the money for all the time you lived the), whereas you thought you were agreeing to only owe money once the flat sold.

Awkward situation. I think I'd explain to him that you paying for two living situations at once is obviously unaffordable, and give him the choice of you moving out again until the flat is sold out or continuing rent free.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/08/2017 14:55

I couldn't live with someone as tight as him. You're contributing to bills and cooking for him so not only does he get to spend time with his GF he also gets meals and pays less for bills. He wants you to pay (albeit retrospectively) for all of that AND your own mortgage over the past few months. That's not partner material.

Sounds like he wants to see a chunk of that money you have coming your way. Personally I'd keep your place, rent it out and pay him half his mortgage as rent. That way you keep your investment, pay a sensible amount of 'rent' to him (half his mortgage will be much less than the market value rent from your tenants) and you both benefit financially, both keeping your own property too.

Or just move out and find someone more supportive.

OnionKnight · 22/08/2017 14:55

Actually there is fault on both sides, if neither of you bothered to discuss in advance what the arrangement would be.

Yup.

Why was this not discussed?

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 14:56

Why on earth are you selling your flat?! And why are you happy with paying him rent - i.e. paying half his mortgage - with no financial gain for you at the end, and everything for him? Absolute madness.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 22/08/2017 14:58

Will he be putting you on his mortgage or will you basically go from paying a mortgage on your own place which youd own at the end, to half paying his with nothing to show for it?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/08/2017 15:06

Easy to see how the misunderstanding came about though, given that several posters on here have said thy think he's not BU.

It doesn't take much mental arithmetic to work out that the OP would be much worse off than her 'D'P doing it his way.

Say they both have a mortgage of £500 a month, bills of £500 a month and spend £200 a month each on food etc.

In two separate flats that's equal.

OP moves in with DP and is expected to pay her £500 mortgage, plus half of his mortgage, half his bills (there will still be some bills on her property too I expect, albeit smaller now) and if OP is cooking more does that mean she spends more on the food shopping now?

So now OP is spending
Her mortgage £500
Half his mortgage £250
Half his bills £250
Her smaller bills for utilities provided even if not used £50
Extra on food so now £250 plus time spent doing it.
Total £1300

Meanwhile DP now pays half his mortgage £250
Half his bills £250
And less on food £150
Total £650

Who is it that thinks this is a fair split for the OP to have the pleasure of her DP's company and half as much space to call her own?!

HappylandToysEverywhere · 22/08/2017 15:07

Wow how tight is he?! Some men pay for EVERYTHING for their wives, right down to their lipstick and their knickers, without them having to earn a single penny! They don't get charged rent by their husbands?! They justify it by the housework and general running of their home that the wife does, as being their share. (Not saying that's the way it should be of course). Or vice versa of course.
I realise you're not married, but men/people who obsess over money or are just plain tight, are not attractive at all!

Ultimately, for me, unless you were married and had been for a couple of years at least, I would never ever get rid of your security. Your home. I'd be renting it out! Any relationship, no matter how great it once was, can fail at any time or many, many unexpected reasons. Plus you would receive additional income! Then in the future if you decide to sell it, unless the market drops significantly then you'll still get the same amount for it if not more. So you've essentially 'made' even more money from it? No brainer

Iamembarrassed · 22/08/2017 15:16

why dont you rent out your flat and use the money for the split on your partners place? also why did you move in with him and not the other way round?

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 15:16

@AlmostAJillSandwich From what the OP says, that's exactly what will happen:

I am happy to 'rent' off him and not get anything in return when he sells his flat.

Absolutely crazy!

sharksDen · 22/08/2017 15:18

Will you be giving him some of the profit from the sale of your place or is there a little 'what's mine is mine and yours is mine too' going on?

"Red flags" my arse.

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