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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He lied about taking drugs for 8 years

66 replies

Tatteredlace · 22/08/2017 10:33

DH and I went out for a date night on Sunday, for only the 2nd time this year (babysitters are hard to come by). We were having a great time when he suddenly comes out with "I have been smoking weed occasionally when I am with (his mate) since I was suppose to stop."

Bit of background. He has a massive cannabis problem (£150+ a week) and he gave it up about 6 months after we got together. I made it clear from day one I didnt like it but it was his choice to stop.

I feel so betrayed, cheated on almost. We married 7 yrs ago and have 2 DDs (4 & 2). I feel like I have lost so much respect for him. He lied to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

RedSkySuperStar · 22/08/2017 11:02

I would feel the same, drugs are a deal breaker for me. I have no actual advice though so bumping for you!

MarcelineTheVampire · 22/08/2017 11:08

Oh come on, it's an occasional spliff and he's not spending his money on it after he quit, hardly the same as being cheated on.

I think if you don't like it, ask him to stop.

araiwa · 22/08/2017 11:14

Id be upset he never brought any home for me. I couldnt care less if he had an odd spliff here and there

ParkheadParadise · 22/08/2017 11:18

I would feel the same.

My dd started off using recreational drugs.

3yrs later she was a totally different person.

Drug use also affects the whole family, not just the person using.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 11:24

Drugs affect everyone differently.
Just because it is your personal experience that they either

are totally harmless
or the slippery slope to big problems

don't expect that to be the truth for all.

Some people can take drugs regularly without issue or problem for them or the people around them
Some people cannot, and will harm their health and relationships.

Remember the plural of anecdote is not data.

MargaretTwatyer · 22/08/2017 11:27

I really feel for you as have similar problems with DP. People dismiss it as 'just a few spliffs' but it really does affect other people around the smoker more than it affects them themselves. The brain dribble and inability to complete simple tasks, moods and irritability.

MarcelineTheVampire · 22/08/2017 11:30

I do appreciate what pp have said about drug use affecting those around them but the OP didn't even realise he was having the odd spliff and he's no longer spending money on it, so it obviously isn't a problem.

QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 11:33

The Cannabis is a red herring.
He gave up when you got together - presumably because you asked him to/said you didn't like it. Then proceeded to lie about it for basically your entire relationship. That is a very long and calculated deceit, whether it be over weed, cigarettes, gambling whatever. It's the deceit that would get me the most.

kali110 · 22/08/2017 11:34

Id feel the same.
It's the lying.

Booboobooboo84 · 22/08/2017 11:34

Oh Op I feel so bad for you. Regardless of what other posters are saying about how harmless it is the fact of the matter is he made a promise not to and has been. Especially bearing in mind how bad the situation had got before

5rivers7hills · 22/08/2017 11:35

I don't think this is toooooo bad. Depends how often he sees this friend?

Once a year? Once a month?

If it's every week that is orobably still frequent enough to be considered a habit.

QueenOfVipers · 22/08/2017 11:37

Either
A- he's addicted so will break promises.
B- he does not value his promises (aka he's a dickhead bullshitter).

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 11:39

yes, if you haven't even noticed then it's likely that it's not intact an issue for your partner, and is just a social thing with a friend that hasn't lead to any repeat of his earlier habit.

It's so hard to generalise whether this is a bad thing as it'll be so different for different people in different situations. Compare it to alcohol, also a drug. Having a few drinks at a friends house isn't a big deal for most. But for some ( alcoholics) it's a massive issue.

Seems to me the issue here isn;t whether him having the odd spliff at a fiend's house is actually harmful to him and your family ( because it seems that it actually isn't) but more that he's broken your trust.

It might be though that he's broken your trust though because you view something that isn't a problem for him to do as a huge issue.

Seems there's more to this than the fact that it's about drugs

Why do you think it's wrong for him to have a " few spliffs" . What worries you about it?

MissionItsPossible · 22/08/2017 11:40

Depends how often. If it's once a month or a few times a year and not enough for you to notice that he was acting peculiar or under the influence for the last 8 years I'd say THAT PART wasn't a big deal. However, it's the lying. He has lied to you all this time. Do you want to stay with someone like that? For me it's not a big deal but if it is for you then you will have to question whether you can stay together or not.

araiwa · 22/08/2017 11:44

Well when he told the truth op compared it to being cheated on. Its a little white lie to keep the peace. She hadnt noticed in 7 years so it hardly seems a problem

Littlepleasures · 22/08/2017 11:48

If you haven't noticed changes in his behaviour or unexplained drains on your cash flow in the last 8 years then it's probably nothing to worry about. It looks like he can use it occasionally with no ill effects so I'd give him a break. Alternatively, maybe he's told you as he feels it might be starting to get out of control again and he needs your support. Did you ask him why he told you now, after so long?

JoJoSM2 · 22/08/2017 11:50

It's great that he managed to quit for quite a long time but drug addiction is a lot more challenging than that and can come back. I do feel very sorry for you that DH is struggling again. Equally, though, I am not sure what you were expecting when you knowingly entered into a relationship, married and had children with a drug addict.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 11:51

Before I got married and had children me and my DH smoked weed regularly . After we had children we stopped ( not because we we needed to because it was a negative thing in our lives, but because it isn't compatible with children/family life) . Now many years on, if we are child free and able to we will have the odd smoke. That doesn't mean that we were addicted and will be again. it just means that it is tied to a time and place and isn't appropriate in the main anymore.

I appreciate that not everyone can take drugs in a non habit forming harmful way. But many many can and do. You tend to hear more about the ones that can't.

Your DH sounds as if he used to smoke a lot, stopped when he got married and has kids, but occasionally smokes socially when not in the family environment without detriment to those around him.

I'm not surprised he didn't tell you about the odd social spliff if you are likely to overreact and equate it with him cheating on you. I think you are the unreasonable one!

unless of course there is more you haven't told us about!

araiwa · 22/08/2017 11:52

Til that having an odd spliff occasionally makes you a drug addict

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 11:54

and having the odd drink occasionally makes you an alcoholic?

LittleWingSoul · 22/08/2017 11:59

YABU It's an occasional spliff! Did he make a promise to you he'd never, ever smoke again? You said it was his choice to drop the habit, which is obviously good financially etc. But it was ultimately because he cared enough about what you thought to stop.

I think unless an actual promise was made he'd never touch it again, he hasn't lied to you. The occasional spliff with a mate (or otherwise) is way less harmful than the often much more frequent big binge drink night out.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:00

compare it to something else that some thing else that people can get addicted to, spend a lot of money on and can a problem to some but not others.......

"DH and I went out for a date night on Sunday, for only the 2nd time this year (babysitters are hard to come by). We were having a great time when he suddenly comes out with "I have been going for a bike ride occasionally when I am with (his mate) since I was suppose to stop."

Bit of background. He was obsessed with road biking and did it every day and weekend, entering races, joining clubs, going on biking holidays , spending on average £150+ a week on bikes an kit and travel etc, He gave it up about 6 months after we got together as I made it clear from day one I didnt like it but it was his choice to stop.

I feel so betrayed, cheated on almost. We married 7 yrs ago and have 2 DDs (4 & 2). I feel like I have lost so much respect for him. He lied to me.

AIBU?"

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:02

Decide whether you wish to spend your life with an untrustworthy liar and then take it from there.

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:04

He was obsessed with road biking and did it every day and weekend, entering races, joining clubs, going on biking holidays , spending on average £150+ a week on bikes an kit and travel etc, He gave it up about 6 months after we got together as I made it clear from day one I didnt like it but it was his choice to stop

There is a big difference between particpating in atheltic endeavour and an addiction to weed - do you really need it spelled out?

LittleWingSoul · 22/08/2017 12:08

Yes, society deems embibing alcohol as completely acceptable but smoking weed as a 'drug addiction'. It's bollocks! Which one has a more harmful effect on society?

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