He lied about taking drugs for 8 years

[Tatteredlace]

DH and I went out for a date night on Sunday, for only the 2nd time this year (babysitters are hard to come by). We were having a great time when he suddenly comes out with "I have been smoking weed occasionally when I am with (his mate) since I was suppose to stop."

Bit of background. He has a massive cannabis problem (£150+ a week) and he gave it up about 6 months after we got together. I made it clear from day one I didnt like it but it was his choice to stop.

I feel so betrayed, cheated on almost. We married 7 yrs ago and have 2 DDs (4 & 2). I feel like I have lost so much respect for him. He lied to me.

AIBU?

It's the lie that is the issue.

You didn't demand that he stop. He chose to. He then chose to lie about it. For years.

How often does it happen. Does he come home these nights or stay out?

I can see how he could relapse back to constant smoking it he gets what could look like permission from you.

He had kids now. They need to come first.

He has a big decision to make.

I hear you, op. My DP promised to quit drinking once - only he was drinking in secret and when I found out it destroyed my trust.

I agree with posters saying It's the lying that's the real issue.

I've gone though similar issues with my dh smoking huge expensive amounts of weed. He's open that he still does smoke it daily but not the same amount and it's not perfect but I'd rather he was honest with me than tried to cover it up.

The secrecy and lies would be a deal breaker.

It seems he has stayed out the nights he has smoked or stayed away for the day. I wasn't looking for signs to be honest, I trusted him to hang out with his mates and not have to smoke with them.

I feel like such an idiot, but I have stood by him through some shitty times only to find out he has been going behind my back all this time.

Not sure what I am supposed to do now. He definitely would take my acceptance as "permission" to do what he wants. I just dont want to be with someone who smokes drugs, is that really that terrible of me?

I just dont want to be with someone who smokes drugs, is that really that terrible of me?

If it doesn;t affect you, yes it is.
If it affects you, then it is reasonable
If you didn;t know he was smoking puff, then it hasn't affected you. It's as arbitrary as saying 'I don't want to be with someone who drinks Ribena'

Not terrible at all Tattered. Question is, will you trust him to stop completely if you tell him his lying is a deal breaker?

You deserve to be happy too.
Will you be able to trust him now.
In my situation it was my dd who has the problem. I could never fully walk away for it. If it would have being my DH I would have been off and never looked back.

I just dont want to be with someone who smokes drugs, is that really that terrible of me?

No it's not terrible of you, it's your right to choose who you want to be with. It's also not terrible of him if he decides as an adult that he wants to smoke weed occasionally. It's his right to choose what he wants to do.

The fact that he can lie to me for so long is going to be hard to accept. He says he wont do it anymore and that is why he told me. If he was to continue, with all of his addiction issues, I would ask him to leave. I dont want to bring up our family with someone who cannot face their issues with addiction.

I know weed is a lifestyle choice, but its not my lifestyle choice. If we wants to choose weed over his wife then thats his decision. I never agreed to marry someone who takes drugs. That choice was taken away from me.

We are going to need to talk. He hasn't wanted to talk to me or deal with any consequences yet. He is choosing to blame me for his issues instead.

He hasn't wanted to talk to me or deal with any consequences yet. He is choosing to blame me for his issues instead.

Flags don't get much redder than this. You deserve a relationship with a mature adult, not a child in denial.

@Iggi999

How on earth is it a hobby Neutrogena? Any more than me sitting on the sofa eating galaxy bars is a hobby?

If he goes out of the house, does something he enjoys, looks forward to it, etc, then it's a hobby.

Definition something that one likes to do or study in one's spare time; favorite pastime or avocation

My eating chocolate matches that entirely then. Pretty pathetic excuse for a hobby, both of them!

Its not a hobby and its stupid and flippant comment to say it is

My eating chocolate matches that entirely then.

It hardly constitutes unreasonable behaviour (ie grounds for divorce) though.

Depends how much chocolate you eat, if you eat your own chocolate and if you lie about it for 8 years.

It's the lying that OP is finding hard.

Maybe the weed smoking is the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like you need to address the addiction issues in total - the alcohol and weed. It sounds like a major issue and the deceit that accompanies it.

I personally worry about the readiness to red flag and encouragement to End relationships on here sometimes. There's a difference between not letting someone know you are occasionally smoking weed and an alcoholic with a history of abuse continuously lying. Be careful you're clear which you are dealing with and get the appropriate help and support.

I ended a marriage over lies and betrayal. I know the hurt that entails - my world fell apart. Its a very tough path for both a mother and children - be sure the seriousness of the situation warrants the path you take. Get some counselling and support for both of you.