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AIBU?

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Original poster

He lied about taking drugs for 8 years

66 replies

Tatteredlace · 22/08/2017 10:33

DH and I went out for a date night on Sunday, for only the 2nd time this year (babysitters are hard to come by). We were having a great time when he suddenly comes out with "I have been smoking weed occasionally when I am with (his mate) since I was suppose to stop."

Bit of background. He has a massive cannabis problem (£150+ a week) and he gave it up about 6 months after we got together. I made it clear from day one I didnt like it but it was his choice to stop.

I feel so betrayed, cheated on almost. We married 7 yrs ago and have 2 DDs (4 & 2). I feel like I have lost so much respect for him. He lied to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:08

Why is there a big difference?

Some people get so utterly obsessed with excursive that they spend all their time and money on it, with detriment to their relationships and health.

Other people get so addicted to smoking weed that that they spend all their time and money on it, with detriment to their relationships and health.

Other people smoke weed habitually their whole life without any issue or problem to their relationships and health.

Other people undertake excursive without getting obsessed and it impacting on other areas of their lives.

What is the difference? ( beyond the risk of lung cancer. although i guess depending on where you are road biking you might have a risk of lung cancer from that too..)

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/08/2017 12:09

Those who are saying "it's only an occasional splif" make my blood boil.
It's not about the joint, it's about lying, breaking promises and destroying trust.
It's no different to cheating - if he had slept with a couple of women over the years, you wouldn't be saying "don't be ridiculous, it was just a couple of shags".

OP only you can decide how to go forward with this and whether you are happy to forgive and move on. I feel for you and totally understand how you feel.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/08/2017 12:10

Grrr posted too soon.
You have every right to feel aggrieved, don't let anyone diminish that. But only you can decide how and if to move forward.

RB68 · 22/08/2017 12:10

If it were an addiction the 150 quid spending wld have continued - it clearly hasn't. In my view to have pulled it back to occasional when with x event would be good enough so long as it stopped at that. I have more of an issue with smoking in general than the occasional splif. Smoking 10er a time for 20 but seems more addictive and more is smoked in a day and health wise there is higher impact. Leaving aside legality that is.

RB68 · 22/08/2017 12:11

He clearly feels bad about it and has told you. He has kept it secret but you need an open discussion now as to how you go forward.

araiwa · 22/08/2017 12:13

Has he been lying?

He didnt mention it but it doesnt seem as though he has been denying doing it

But yeah i can see how having a secret spliff occasionally is the same as having sex with others whilst married Hmm

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:15

it's totally different to cheating!

And being with someone that thinks it isn't is definitely a reason just not to mention it, out of fear of the massive over reaction!

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:19

if the OP had said that money was going missing, her DP wasn't able to work or function, that his mental health was impacted and that he was putting his family at risk, then totally fair enough!

but it's a few spliffs every now and again over 8 years and she hadn't even noticed.

OP, did he promise to you that he'd never ever smoke again?

Mrscropley · 22/08/2017 12:20

Having been in both a short term and marriage to previous weed smokers I know it had affects years down the line.

Obviously the lying is a biggy, then comes the paranoia, suspicion, - from them to you as a long term side effect that will indeed have consequences on your marriage and his abilities as a df. .

ShellyBoobs · 22/08/2017 12:23

I'm not going to pontificate over drug use - as others have said, everyone is different and some people can manage their habit without issue - but if he drives at all he needs to be very careful.

The limit for canabis in the blood when driving is now extremely low (as in barely anything) and if he's had a smoke the night before he could well be over the limit the next day without knowing.

For many people losing their driving license would be a bigger issue than any health issues from the odd crafty spliff.

PennyTentiary · 22/08/2017 12:23

Not the same as being cheated on in any way.
How on earth did he have time to smoke that amount? Did he not work? That's easily half an ounce a week, easily 5 spliffs a day!
Anyway, I wouldn't have an issue with it but clearly you do so it's up to you what you do with the information you possess. Either stay and don't lord it over him or leave. There's your choice.

ShellyBoobs · 22/08/2017 12:24

Aargh! autocorrected to the American spelling of licence. Shameful...

Garlicansapphire · 22/08/2017 12:26

Well it's obvious why he kept it quiet isn't it?

When you get married you promise to forsake all others so cheating is reneging on a promise. I suppose if he promised he would never ever smoke weed again then it might be somewhat equivalent though it's not fundamental to the core principles of marriage that one never smokes or drinks again...

I personally wouldn't lose the plot over it - there are worse habits and secrets. And I'm not sure of the harm he has done - in the scale of his activity, financial implications or deceit.

But this is obviously up to you and him. If he hadn't concealed it would you have been okay with it? If not and it's a huge deal for you then how much choice does he, or did he, have?

My X promised to give up smoking - both nicotine and weed but could never really stick to it. I hated it (he was very easy to find out) but it was the cheating that made me kick him out. There is a difference and it's good to remember it and be proportionate when you feel upset. I would never have been through all that pain and hurt to my family over secret smoking. So don't go over the top!

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:28

Penny, I've a good friend who is 50 and has a good job in management, grown up children at university that she brought up single handedly brilliantly, a great social life, great relationship, plenty money and her own house, and she smokes more than 5 spliffs a day!

It effects everyone differently!

Neutrogena · 22/08/2017 12:28

Forgive him. If you don't notice when he is stoned and you can afford it, let him have his hobby.
Not worth destroying a relationship over.

Iggi999 · 22/08/2017 12:35

How on earth is it a hobby Neutrogena? Any more than me sitting on the sofa eating galaxy bars is a hobby?

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:44

How on earth is it a hobby Neutrogena? Any more than me sitting on the sofa eating galaxy bars is a hobby?

Except you earning yourself a fat arse isn't an anti-social activity. I've stopped being surprised at the lengths that drugs users will go to justify their habits.

ParkheadParadise · 22/08/2017 12:47

Drug users LIE it's part of their make up.

Where's the OP gone?

Original poster
Tatteredlace · 22/08/2017 12:51

He has major issues with addiction and cannot handle alcohol. He cant have 'just one beer' he has to drink until he passes out. If I say he can carry on smoking and it is ok, then he will run with it and end up smoking as much as he did before. He gets selfish and horrible when struggling with addiction.

And for the person who asked. I didnt knowingly marry and start a family with a drug addict. I didnt know he was smoking. If I did then I wouldnt have. I married someone with addiction issues who had promised he wouldnt smoke again because it became such a problem.

He quit because his Nan passed away and he hated the thought of her not knowing him as anything other then an addict.

He smoked from morning until night, whilst driving, at work, at the pub. Whenever. He smoked weed like you would smoke cigarettes.

Its not just the weed though. Its the deceit. The lying. The disrespect. The broken promise.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 22/08/2017 12:58

I'm sorry but I'd be gone.
Life's too short for that crap.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 12:59

Fair enough OP, if he was very addicted and it was impacting on his whole life and he promised you he wouldn't smoke again, then I can see why you are worried.

Do you have access to information on how to help him help himself if he is sliding back into patterns of behaviour?

IfNot · 22/08/2017 13:06

Addicts do lie. That's why it's tough to be with one. I know exactly how you feel op.

Also, for all those who think weed is so harmless, how aware are you of just how much "weed" has changed in the last 20-25 years? It's a very potent psychoactive drug.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 13:09

I never said weed is harmless.

It can be devastating to some, definitely.

But to others it can be completely fine.

I just can't be doing with people declaring all drugs are bad, and anyone who takes drugs is a liar, addict etc. As in everything in life, it's FAR more nuanced than that!

PennyTentiary · 22/08/2017 13:19

hooochycoo I know it affects everyone differently, I used to smoke it every day and used to be an addict to other drugs so I'm not judging. I just think people would smell it/it's time consuming etc that's all. Wasn't having a pop at anyone or saying they can't have jobs/raise families etc.

hooochycoo · 22/08/2017 13:27

fair enough penny x

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