Trouble with controlling DM. AIBU and a stroppy cow or is her behaviour a bit controlling

[gingergenius]

On holiday with the kids in the West Country, bear my mum. My mum is lovely and always wanting to do nice things/pay for trips etc and I'm always very grateful, and very appreciate of her support. As a bit of history, She moved up north when I was 18 and in college so I stayed put. I've looked after myself for a very long time. I'm a single parent to 3 kids and manage a business, my home, a dog etc etc. Basically, I'm a competent adult and have been for the past 30 years!

She moved down to where she is now with her current husband in a little cottage, about 16 years ago, and as its tiny, there is no room for us to stay. She very kindly pays towards the cost of a little holiday cottage so we can visit and spend time with her in school hols. Also because her husband doesn't 'do kids' - so we don't annoy him!

So it's quite an intense week. She means well and she loves us all dearly (as do we love her) but I'm finding myself getting more and more snappy because she second guesses, overrides, butts in, talks over and generally questions every single decision I make either for myself or about my children. She belittles and scoffs at my choices and will ALWAYS, without fail, try to impose her decision upon me. She is like this with others so it's not my imagination.

I snapped at her a few times today because she was criticising my sat-nav-guided route home from a trip out because 'she wasn't familiar with where we were and it made her anxious. I was driving in unfamiliar territory and her constant verbal worrying was stressful and I had to, as kindly as I could ask her to keep calm because it was making my job as driver much harder.

I understand her anxiety and I really try to be sympathetic but it's exhausting having to stick up for decisions I've made that are sound, and keep to my boundaries (I didn't talk to her for nearly a year several years ago, because of similar issues).

Examples are:
I took the cottage key with me. She wanted me to leave it in the outdoor safe, like she'd done with hers. I said I would prefer to take my keys. She repeated herself 4-5 times before I snapped and told her she needed to accept my decision .

I wanted to take the kids on a country walk with the dog and a nice pub lunch. She was insistent that we only needed to go to cuz place and take sandwiches. I'm on holiday and I fancied a pub lunch (I was paying) - again 4-5 times of trying to grind me down.

Texting me 3-4 times before we came down to tell me what time I should leave to avoid traffic.

These are just off the top of my head but it's been constant and I'm exhausted. Am I being awful? I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm not a child and I'm fed up feeling like every decision I make is in question. I happily go along with her plans for a quiet life when I see her (she Ioved a couple of hours away so not on my doorstep) - so if I AM being unreasonable, please please can I have some tips and advice as to how to cope with grace and deal with my frustration more effectively.
I feel really crap and mean about being short tempered with her and just want some ways of handling things better.
Sorry for long post. Didn't want to drip feed.

She doesn't sound massively ott... although if I was you I could see myself getting wound up by it!

I think you just need to keep calm and try to ignore. The traffic thing sounds like the kind of thing my FIL would do. I try to humour him best I can whilst smiling and ignoring and doing what I need to do.
The sat nav thing reminds me of my non driver mother - horrific to have her in a car with me. She doesn't drive is anxious as hell - and it's not often I have to have to drive her thank god!

I took my mum to Corfu a few years ago with husband and DS who was 3 at the time. Never ever ever again. I love my mum dearly. But I can't deal with having to be in a confined space with her again! That's the thing with holidays and kids - you set out to have a relaxing family time - in reality you don't sleep as well because you aren't in your own bed, the kids want to stay up late and everyone gets grouchy by day 3...

I might just be talking about my own experiences here... I'd honestly try and grin and bear it, and be firm in a nice way. Don't cause a rift. I'll stop rambling now 😂

Thanks Pink. Really don't want to be unkind. Just feeling really scratchy and claustrophobic with it all. Will take a deep breath and put on a bright smile!

Might be worth you accompanying her to the GP.
Could she be at the early stages of dementia.
Just the fact that she repeats herself several times despite your protests...!?

Oh good grief.

I really feel for you. This is my mum all over and I hate it. I left home decades ago and can do the adulting thing without her constant input actually. It's the passive aggressiveness of it all, the hurt looks, the sad face, the little comments. I genuinely hope I'm not going to be like that. NO advice, sorry.

Does it work when she does it to others? Some people will try and wear you down by repeating the same thing over and over, much like children, until you'll say 'bloody hell, fine, do it your way!' Just to get them to STFU!
How does she react when you tell her to respect your decision? Does she leave it alone then? I suspect this has worked for her for a long time, and a lot of people just keep her sweet to not get narked at.
That doesn't help you though OP! Would it be worth outlining what's going to happen before it does (again, much like with children)
So 'we'll leave at 10am'
'Oh no, we must leave earlier to avoid the traffic'
'No, we'll leave at 10'
'But we must leave at 9 to avoid the traffic'
'I'll pick you up at 9.50, see you then!'
'No no, pick me up at 8.50'
'No, please make sure you're ready to go at 9.50, thanks!' All said in a very matter of fact, calm way?
I know it's wearing, I have a relative who does this (because it works and people back down to shut her up!) but perhaps once she sees you won't back down (because you're a grown up and can make decisions for yourself) she'll stop?
Doesn't sound like you've have much of a holiday

Does she do it to your kids too? I have a relative who is like this and she does it to my toddler too which I think is disgusting.

This kind of person really pisses me off. if they know your tired/ill/not 100% they'll abuse your inability to say no 20 times to the same question so that they can get their way. It's very manipulative. I feel your pain OP!

gingergenius it sounds like your mum doesn't really accept you are an adult. Could you hunker down for a couple of glasses of G and T and clear the air?

Or simply ignore her? Like when she says it the first time say "No, mum I fancy a pub lunch, I'm paying." And then if she keeps says it just say, "You've got my answer, you can bring your own sandwiches if you like, but me and he kids are having sausage and mash" Or whatever?

Walk away to another room. If you are in the car do as you did and say "Mum, I can't drive with all this talking, can we listen to the radio for a bit?"

YANBU.

Your key, you decide what to do with it. Just cut the conversation dead, key in bag, start walking to the car.

I;d even be tempted to say "Mum, I don't want the kids to see us arguing over a key, it sets a bad example."

It sounds bloody annoying but I think she is coming from a good place. You can control how much this affects you, to a point, by not engaging after your initial polite answer.

When I used to badger my dh, he would say "I've given my answer." And he always had!

She might be doing this out of real concern, or she might be being controlling. Whatever her reason, it's not fair or reasonable for her to do this and the only thing you can reasonably do is to shut her down. Because it's causing you real stress, and is going to have a bad effect on your relationship with her.

Have a talk with her about it. Tell her you're exhausted and hurt by her constantly contradicting and overriding your decisions, and that while you're sure she's doing it out of concern you can't cope with it any more. So that in future you're going to answer her once, and that after that you're going to tell her "I've given my answer," (just like Italian's husband used to), or "We've already discussed that," or whatever simple, concise phrase you prefer. And then stick to it. Tell her that. Be a broken record. Refuse to get drawn into why she does it or why she thinks you should change what you've decided to do: keep repeating your stock phrase.

It will be awful for the first few times. But eventually she should get the message.

It's hard, and I wish you luck.

@Italiangreyhound that's exactly what I said to her yesterday, in a fit of exasperation - that I'm actually a competent adult. She replied that it's hard for her because I'm still her baby. I don't know whether it has any bearing, but she wasn't there much for us (me and brother) when we were little - we were often in the care of my nana and I wonder whether she's trying to somehow recreate a situation in her head where she feels she's a better mother (she was t neglectful, just absent, but there were a few issues)

@GreenHillsRolling Yes she does this to my kids. They're all getting older and getting a bit resentful of her parenting over me, iyswim

@vikingprincess81 no- she does this to her husband and he ends up blowing a gasket and calling her all the names under the sun, not a healthy environment there really. She'll tell him not to put too much water in the pan when boiling the veg, or not to use so much water in the kettle. All little things but it's like a constant need to control the way everyone does things to suit her view of how things SHOULD be done.

I decided to get a camper van a few years ago. She was very abrasive in her opinion and by the end of the conversation it appeared that she'd convinced herself that I wasn't going to get one. Same when I talked about getting a dog (I have had a dog now for 5 years - best decision ever!)

I had a dream about getting a puppy the other night and mentioned it as it was a funny dream (I have no intention of getting a puppy) - her immediate reaction was a dramatic outburst about how I couldn't possibly deal with a puppy and "oh no, goodness me you don't want to do that. Oh no, what a terrible thought" kind of thing. Same when I mentioned that my daughter might like to look at a friend's newborn guinea pigs. I get told I can't cope etc.

I stand my ground and think my decisions through but it's exhausting. I did go to cbt/therapy a few years ago to deal with it - maybe I should try it again? It's really getting me down.

Thanks for the replies - new day and all that!

She sounds very anxious, just like my mother. Just try to be kind (although I know it's grating!). Your approval is likely to be quite important to her, so try to bear that in mind when dealing with her, rather than brushing her off x

I had CBT for anxiety and it really helped.

I think (just a n idea) you need to either talk about your childhood, explain issues and reassure her it is all ok between you or just full on ignore/block out all this stuff not engage.

A therpost could help you decide.

My fear would be raking up the past that she has buried it and has no idea about why she does this, then you would have to do the work of two people with her (if you see what I mean!)

Gingergenius - My mum is exactly the same , and does what Enid was saying about the passive aggressiveness , hurt little face etc. She has such a good heart and loves giving but it does get a bit much. I think she likes to still feel useful and tries to be the Mother although I'm the Mother in my little family . Bless her. I just try and grin and bear it , but yes it is very wearing, and I have to bite my tongue.

I wonder if she's projecting.

She wasn't around much for you as a child - perhaps struggled to cope with motherhood. Now you're here with 3 kids on your own and a dog and she just can't get how much can do it all when she couldn't. Coupled in with guilt at seeing you parent better than she did and wanting to somehow build those bridges on top of a generally controlling nature?

She does sound like she has some issues. How much time do you spend each year visiting her? If it's just 1 or 2 weeks I'd just say 'no no no no no'. If you visit frequently you'll probably have to think of a few tactics or you will be exhausted. how would she react to a 'did you know you're being very controlling' conversation?

@May50 yes to the hurt faces etc.

I have discussed how her behaviour was hurtful to me in the past (won't go into detail but suffice to say she made a few poor parenting choices that had a very negative effect).

She gets it, but she just can't seem to stop feeling the need to control everyone and everything around her. It must be her anxiety - it's almost like OCD - but she's got such a good heart I feel such a shit when I snap.

One of my sisters used to be like this, till I snapped one day and told her to feck off, (ok, not in those words, but that was more or less what I meant). We kept our distance from each other for a bit, but now we're great friends. Maybe not as easy to do with a parent though, in fairness.

I think it's one of those things which wouldn't be a big deal if you weren't in the pressure cooker environment of a family holiday with her. Do you think she'd respond to you having a sensible chat with her about it and how hard you find it to be around?

Fwiw I've just been on a big family holiday with in-laws and though I am so grateful that they treated us to a stay in a cottage with them, being cooped up with loads of in-laws did make little irritating things which wouldn't normally bother me feel a lot worse. I've vowed never again! Again, harder to do in your situation.

How old is she? My dm is getting increasingly like this as she gets older. I think it might be because she can't control getting older/friends dying etc, so she tries to control my db and I. Db has had enough (48 year old) as have I (51), so there are going to he some uncomfortable conversations soon. My dh is at the point of saying Dmitry can't come for Christmas. She's just home after a month with us, and I was climbing the walls by the end of it.

This is just like my DM too. She always puts it in the guise of 'making suggestions' and we don't have to follow them. (Of course I know I don't!) But then if we don't follow her advice she'll keep saying, 'Remember I told you!'

In my DM's case, she also interferes in how we discipline our DDs. Sometimes she jumps in when I'm already dealing with their misbehaviour and I don't appreciate it at all! I end up feeling very undermined, and now I've taken to being more assertive, saying, 'I'm handling it, Mum.'

My DH handles it very well. He just listens to what she says and then continues with his original plans. That's probably the best way if it's only when you're on holiday.

I really do understand how frustrating it can be. I am finding that being more assertive is helping to stop my DM from doing this. Maybe practise what you're going to say in advance of the holiday?

Because your DM actually can't force you to do anything you don't want to do; in actual fact you are an adult. Hopefully she'll get the message (and my mum too!).

@scaryteacher she's just shy of 70. It's definitely got worse. Or maybe I'm becoming more intolerant. I'm 48 and have definitely become less willing to indulge her need to control me over the years. She is a teacher (now supply) and think she forgets I'm not a feckless 8 y/o. Well I'm feckless on occasion, but thankfully less and less these days lol!

It's a new day, I've given myself a talking to and will be channelling my inner zen! Thankyou all for your support - amazing how many out there with similar issues!!!

@gingergenius, curiously I'm 48 too, and becoming more intolerant like you are!

Hope we can both act on this and not just moan lol!!

Mine has just turned 77, both db and I are abroad, though he is being posted to the same country as dh and I live in from the autumn.

When she was out here after having taken her to ds;s graduation, she sulked that db emailed me with a photo of his ds's graduation and not her; moaned that db and I weren't in the UK (although dh and I will be back from late 2019); moaned about the food,, i.e I didn't make for dinner what I thought I might; the weather, my style of knickers; the way I peg out my washing; my ds; my db; my dh. She didn't thank us for schlepping to Devon from Brussels to pick her up and take her to ds's graduation near London; she didn't say thank you for the meals ou, the hotel rooms, being driven back to Brussels with us, neither did she thank us for driving her back.

I keep pointing out that I am 51, have had a career, have been married for longer than she managed, have been a naval wife for decades, so am used to coping/making decisions etc , but she still tries to treat me like a child.

I also think that this is perhaps the stage at which the role reversal happens, so she is becoming more dependent and doesn't like it. She is looking forward to us going home so that I can be her 'bitch' as it were, and dh can be her general factotum. She has another think coming!!!

Yes @Mittens1969 me too! I hate being a grumpy cow!!!

Blimey @scaryteacher that all sounds exhausting!!!

It was exhausting @gingergenius, especially as we rent abroad and the landlord wants the house back as he has to move back to brussels for work, so oin top of that we were househunting, signing a lease and packing.

She thought she was going to have a nice drive back to Devon with normal hotel stay and dinner en route. She got a 12 hour door to door with dh driving, we dropped her, grabbed a tea in travel mugs, and then set off back towards Dover, staying somewhere nice en route. He doesn't want her here for Christmas, and as db is going to his in laws, as they haven't seen them at Christmas since 2013, so that's the next mine field to negotiate.