Trouble with controlling DM. AIBU and a stroppy cow or is her behaviour a bit controlling

[gingergenius]

On holiday with the kids in the West Country, bear my mum. My mum is lovely and always wanting to do nice things/pay for trips etc and I'm always very grateful, and very appreciate of her support. As a bit of history, She moved up north when I was 18 and in college so I stayed put. I've looked after myself for a very long time. I'm a single parent to 3 kids and manage a business, my home, a dog etc etc. Basically, I'm a competent adult and have been for the past 30 years!

She moved down to where she is now with her current husband in a little cottage, about 16 years ago, and as its tiny, there is no room for us to stay. She very kindly pays towards the cost of a little holiday cottage so we can visit and spend time with her in school hols. Also because her husband doesn't 'do kids' - so we don't annoy him!

So it's quite an intense week. She means well and she loves us all dearly (as do we love her) but I'm finding myself getting more and more snappy because she second guesses, overrides, butts in, talks over and generally questions every single decision I make either for myself or about my children. She belittles and scoffs at my choices and will ALWAYS, without fail, try to impose her decision upon me. She is like this with others so it's not my imagination.

I snapped at her a few times today because she was criticising my sat-nav-guided route home from a trip out because 'she wasn't familiar with where we were and it made her anxious. I was driving in unfamiliar territory and her constant verbal worrying was stressful and I had to, as kindly as I could ask her to keep calm because it was making my job as driver much harder.

I understand her anxiety and I really try to be sympathetic but it's exhausting having to stick up for decisions I've made that are sound, and keep to my boundaries (I didn't talk to her for nearly a year several years ago, because of similar issues).

Examples are:
I took the cottage key with me. She wanted me to leave it in the outdoor safe, like she'd done with hers. I said I would prefer to take my keys. She repeated herself 4-5 times before I snapped and told her she needed to accept my decision .

I wanted to take the kids on a country walk with the dog and a nice pub lunch. She was insistent that we only needed to go to cuz place and take sandwiches. I'm on holiday and I fancied a pub lunch (I was paying) - again 4-5 times of trying to grind me down.

Texting me 3-4 times before we came down to tell me what time I should leave to avoid traffic.

These are just off the top of my head but it's been constant and I'm exhausted. Am I being awful? I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm not a child and I'm fed up feeling like every decision I make is in question. I happily go along with her plans for a quiet life when I see her (she Ioved a couple of hours away so not on my doorstep) - so if I AM being unreasonable, please please can I have some tips and advice as to how to cope with grace and deal with my frustration more effectively.
I feel really crap and mean about being short tempered with her and just want some ways of handling things better.
Sorry for long post. Didn't want to drip feed.

My MIL is also exhausting, she leans heavily on my DH and needs a lot of reassurance. She's a lovely grandma though.

In our case, both she and my DM are widows and in their late 70s.

And I know that where my DM is concerned there's a huge back story.

It's so easy to fall back into childhood patterns when relating to mums as adults, that's why it becomes so tricky.

@Mittens1969 that's very similar to what my cbt therapist said - basically my DM hates back to patterns of communication that put her as the adult and me as the non-equal child. The techniques I had to use involved very calmly stating that her communication methods made me feel undermined etc etc, and just repeat ad infinitum. It had the rather dramatic effect of causing her to flounce off using her entire PA arsenal of responses - therapist said that because I stopped adopting the role of child it threw her into a spin and effectively turned the tables. I had to do this a lot and it eventually worked but I think we've skipped into old, bad habits so I will need to dig deep and remember my therapy I think!

Another one who understands. Mine is exactly the same about my animals: when I told her we were getting hens, her reactions was "Why are you getting hens? I wouldn't want them." - she lives hundreds of miles away, and the only effect they have on her life is when I take her eggs. She told me I'd never looked after a cat before and wouldn't be able to when I got mine, despite me growing up with cats, and she was negative about me getting a rabbit as well. Most recently, when I told her DP was going away for a week she asked me who was coming round to feed them all, despite knowing I wasn't going anywhere, because, obviously, I couldn't cope with looking after them all on my own!!!!!!

If we're in a restaurant with me she'll try to order the same as me, and if she doesn't like my choice she'll make a fuss. This does not have to be somewhere she is unfamiliar with, she'll do it at the place up the road from her where she goes regularly, so it's not as though she doesn't have her favourites there. The worst time was when, when MY chocolate pudding arrived, she stuck her tongue out and repeatedly said "uh", because she wouldn't like it. I found that incredibly rude, and wouldn't stand that from a young child, but it's ok coming from her as she "has to be allowed to have an opinion".

I could go on. Her real problem is she doesn't want to see me as being separate from her (see 'enmeshment') and every time I make a decision that is contrary to her she takes it as a criticism. It is so draining. There is also the fact that she wants to have some control, and the more I object the more she pushes. Maybe try and set some boundaries in place. Figure out what you don't mind so much and give in on those things, but make sure you stand firm on others. Good luck!

I agree, that very easily happens, doesn't it? My difficulty is, I tend to resent her and moan to my DH and friends (and now on mumsnet lol, when I should be standing up for myself.

I'm learning to tell my DM what she can do with her 'suggestions'!!

@DudeHatesHisCarryOut - ong yes to everything you've just said. I think you have a point about 'enmeshmebt' (will look it up)

Food is a big thing. She wants to feed us all, all the time which is very kind, but she won't take no for an answer. Her favourite thing is to say "oh ok m not very hungry/don't want much. Why don't we just share a sandwich?" If my appetite/preference is more a larger portion or something different, she'll put on the pursed lips and the martyred sigh and make me feeling like I'm a pig for being more hungry than she is! Drives me nuts! Although I'm getting better at ignoring it!

@gingergenius - yep, I get that as well. Not the sharing a sandwich, but the constant need to feed. The conversation will go something like:

• Do you want something to eat?
• No thanks, I'm not hungry
• What about some crisps?
• No. thanks.
• I've got some biscuits...?
• No, ta.
• What about some fruit? Remember there are grapes in the fridge. Shall I go and get you some?
• I have said, I am not hungry!!!!!
• Oh (goes off into a sulk)

I do understand.. She was born during the War and food was hard to come by, so by feeding me she is showing love, and shows she can take care of me. It irritates me, though, as her need to feed me counts more than my lack of need to eat.

She also can't accept I have emotions. I was told, a few hours following the last time I burst into tears in front of her, that I hadn't actually been upset. I thought I had been, but, it seems, she knows better!

Just state your intention firmly if you have definitely made your mind up and then completely ignore any further attempts to persuade you. If you get into a discussion you are just encouraging the pestering. Seriously, people stop doing it if they never get anywhere with it.
My sister is like your mum with anyone who will put up with it but I've noticed there are relatives she wouldn't dream of doing it to because they take no notice of it. It's too easy to get into a vicious cycle

This definitely isn't true of all teachers, but I know a couple who are absolutely awful for it, my sister included.

She has this continual obsession with how people behave or do things, and she'll tell people to do it as if they are a kid in her class - except without the kindness or patience which she'd use if it were a child!

It might be a combination of being used to telling children what to do and you having actually been her child. Or she may just be really annoying.

I'll upgrade my annoyance on your behalf after reading page 2.

My mum drives me nuts about food like that! She has an eating disorder herself, and always wants to control what the eaters have.

If I go on holiday with them, she'll produce 'picnics' - i.e. half a small pork pie plus 'BLT' sandwiches - the b standing for BREAD. Then rabbit on about 'I think this is a pretty good picnic, don't you?!'. If we do go for a proper meal anywhere, she'll sigh laboriously over the whole thing about 'I wish i could just enjoy food', when her actual hobby seems to be ruining it for everyone else by sniffing at their portion sizes.

My DM is definitely like that where food is concerned. I remember she organised a birthday picnic for me 3 years ago, which was very sweet of her, but she went on about it being a sophisticated picnic with upmarket fillings. All lovely of course, except that our DDs didn't like them. I was thinking, oh please, couldn't you have just done cheese and ham fillings?? It was all a surprise for me, otherwise I'd have made separate sandwiches for the DDs.

I've got to be honest: this sounds like pretty standard mum behaviour.

I love my mum to bits and she's absolutely great - she is the kindest and most maternal person ever and has a brilliant sense of humour, and we share loads of interests and get on fine. But if we're in, say, a cafe, the conversation goes like this:

Me: Now, what do I fancy? The apple pie sounds nice, or maybe a scone...
Mum: They've got more cakes on the counter. Looks like a carrot cake, and that's a chocolate cake, and that looks like coffee and walnut...
Me: Yeah, don't think I want any of those. I think I'll have a scone with cream and jam, they look lovely.
Mum: Have you seen they've got waffles?
Me: Yes, but I definitely fancy the scone.
Mum: Oh, I've just seen there's a cheesecake - how about that?
Me: No, definitely the scone.
Mum: Shall I ask that nice waitress to tell you what the cakes on the counter are?
Me: No, because I'm having the scone.
Mum: There's lemon meringue pie you know.
Me: I'M 41 YEARS OLD AND I CAN READ A MENU FOR MYSELF AND I'M HAVING A BLOODY SCONE.

Ah you're all brilliant Thankyou so much - I don't feel so bad. It's been a lot better today and reading all your mum food anecdotes has made me feel much better!!!

My mum is another in this brigade. We have just been away for a week and dear god the over parenting and the offering to make them a second meal!!!! I have said on more than one occasion 'Mum,leave it' or 'No, that what it is!!!' I feel for you:)

Oh jeez the Mum reading the menu thing - I hated that, I CAN READ YOU KNOW it was very handy at university and in life generally where, you know, I go to places and read my OWN menu ALL BY MYSELF all the sodding time

The worst thing was, when she got older and long sighted, she'd get my dad to read the menu to her AND THEN REPEAT IT to me ME with my 20/20 vision

Oh don't start me with the meal out issues. Took her out for her birthday last month:

''I can't see it's too dark in here. Why don't these places have the lights on? Who on earth can see in here? Can you? I can hardly see. Why do they do this now?''.
(it's a normal pub chain restaurant - but was my choice so she must find critisism)

''What's everyone else going to have? I can only eat a tiny amount - i just want the small fish and chips so i don't even need a menu really''
(yeah right - she eats well)

''Where's the waitress? Where's the menus? Bring us the menu please! Oh the print on these menus is ridiculous - who on earth can read this? What's everyone else having? I can only manage the small fish''

''Why is there all this burger rubbish on the menus these days? Where's what you are having? I can't find it.''

''Where's the waitress gone now?''
(she's gone to serve other people while we chose)

''what's everyone else having? OH - ugh, i don't know what that is! That would all be too much for me. I'd be on the loo all night! I'll stick with the small fish''.

''Where's you've chosen on the menu? I didn't see it!''

''Oh - you're having mushy peas with it?

Omg we get a constant commentary about everything and anything. We get the reading the menu thing. It's impossible to read your own menu whilst someone is reading a different part of the menu out loud next to you. And then she'll get a bunch of tourist leaflets.' Oh look you can go here and there and look at this. Ooh u can take the kids here' (yes I know i live here. And yes we have already been there numerous times) And then while we r driving we get 'oh look there's a nursery. And look a farm. And is that a church Green? Green what is that building and that one? How about that one?' (Some weird building...why am I supposed to know what's in there?!). Whatever she's thinking we all have to know. It's so annoying! It's like having another toddler!

I totally get this. Totally. The key here is to find another way before you snap and then feel like utter shit.

It's really hard but you cannot let her keep making you feel bad because she's winding you up. Horrible. And totally not your fault.

I actually think sometimes they push it on purpose because they know they're being weird as fuck but if they can make you snap and be the unreasonable one, it makes them feel better!

You can say something but you'd have to be very careful of the tone u use or as mums says you will be the unreasonable one. 'I'm trying to read a different bit of the menu at the moment.' Maybe something like that?

Both my mum and MIL do this in different ways. I'm 36, married and on my second mortgage with an incredibly responsible job. I can probably manage to make toast without incident.

With my mum it's obvious that she's furious that I managed to avoid falling pregnant at 20, despite her dire warnings. Shame she couldn't manage the same...

My passenger MIL reads road signs out loud; the names of streets, the turn left sign, the speed limits, the motorway exit numbers etc. etc.

she has many other annoying little ways, but on the road signs I KNOW I am not being unreasonable.

She also pulls faces at whatever anyone else orders, while muttering "greasy" and "fattening".
The very idea of drinking alcohol with a meal send her into paroxysms.
I very rarely drink alcohol, but find myself ordering beer just to annoy her to assert my independence.

Have you tried the Agree Technic.
Mum: Why are we going this way.
You: Oh yes this isn't the way you normally go but the SAT nav says it it quicker.
Mum: but I don't know this way, lets go the way I know.
You; I know you know one way to go: but this computer thing knows a faster way you way must have a traffic jam.
Mum but my way is just as quick.
You: yes your way is quick however the SAT Nav says this way is quicker and then you will know 2 ways should your way be blocked.

Goodness OP it sounds like you're talking about my late DM. When I was thinking of getting a cat,several years before she passed away,she kept on and on at me about what a bad idea it was until she'd actually convinced herself that I wasn't going to. I did and have never regretted it. It was the same with a lot of other things. She'd get a bee in her bonnet about it and keep on and on at me until I'd feel like screaming at her to shut up. Even though I was in my mid 40s,and had not lived at home for over 25 years,she still thought that I was incapable of making a sensible decision on my own about anything.

Omg you could be talking about my mom!
She only lives 10 mins away but she drives me crazy.
Don't get me wrong she's always behind me and would help me out in a heartbeat.
But it's the control factor that drives me crazy. My mom sulked over the fact my kids had to leave her 60th b'day party early (11pm early) coz they were going on holiday with their dad next day. Didn't open her presents for 4 months!! She expected them to rearrange a holiday!!