Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right!? DH or I???

80 replies

MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 18:05

Hello! DS is going to university in September. He's doing a foundation year (he will be at university 3 days a week) before he does the actual degree.

We live in Chelmsford and he'll need to go to Luton.

DH says it's an easy commute and he can do that. I say that it's far too long! It seems to be just under 2 hours. DH says it's fine as it's just 3 days a week...

DS says he would rather stay at home (he says that most people will be at full-time university) but thinks it might be a bit too long to commute (he would move out for year 1-3) but says it might be okay for year 0.

Who is right?

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 21/08/2017 19:04

I would not worry about the social side so much on a foundation year as likely there will be a larger intake in Year 1, especially if he's a homebody.

A bit of half and half sounds like a good idea - Air bnb or whatever.

He should deffo dry run it asap - train and or car too - and not just one day.

Original poster
MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 19:08

Wow, I think that's a bit of a rude post! He has worked since he was 13 (paper round) and from 16 in a supermarket and since finishing his A-Levels has also been doing commissioned art (he isn't going into art) but will continue doing this during uni.

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 21/08/2017 19:09

I live not far from Chelmsford and took DH to Luton airport early the other morning in under an hour, just on A roads. (A414 - A10 - B653)
Depending where you are in C'ford you could add 15-20 minutes to that.
Is getting him a cheap car out of the question?
If he has his own transport he could stay on at the end of the day for social events (not drinking, of course!) and also avoid the rush hour on the way home.

Original poster
MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 19:13

He does have a car, but I'm not sure what the parking is like around there? I didn't realise it would be that much quicker.

OP posts:
Primrose06 · 21/08/2017 19:18

It's a fair commute. But surely it has to be his choice.
As the parents of adults hard as it is you have to stand back and let them find their feet.
If it doesn't work out then he can change and no harm done. He will know he tried and it was not viable.
When DD was at uni she chose to live near it as it would have meant driving and the time depended on traffic. On a good morning a hour would have done it, but she normally would have been travelling in the rush hour which lasted ages .
She loved the experience.
Hope this helps.

KitKat1985 · 21/08/2017 19:19

I commuted into university and lived at my parents' house when I was at university, for minimal rent. I do think I missed out a lot on the social side of university doing this, but it saved me thousands probably in rent and bills, and what with my weekend job I managed to leave university debt free, when many other students I know had thousands of pounds of student debt to pay off, which isn't something to be sniffed at, and in hindsight I'm pleased I did this. He may well make friends anyway with people on his course who will be willing to let him crash on their sofa if he's going for a night out with Uni mates, or similar.

However yes the commuting was annoying, but you learn to factor it in to your day. If your DS does this warn him that he will probably at least once experience the annoyance of going in for a lecture and getting there to find it's been cancelled / re-scheduled. Also when you get your timetable and realise you have a 6 hour gap between lectures (but to be fair, I did a lot of essay work in the library during these times, so it wasn't wasted).

SandyDenny · 21/08/2017 19:22

I'm surprised that you haven't even checked how long it would take to drive there.

I wouldn't want an 18 year old child of mine to be wasting so much time on travel, the B & B suggestion is a good one imo but if he really wants to come home the flexibilty of a car and half the travel time sounds like a no brainer

puzzledbyadream · 21/08/2017 19:23

Lots and lots of people do foundation years and live away from home in halls. I know you say he'll be living away for years 1-3 but student loans would cover accommodation for the foundation year too.

I did a full time geography degree and by third year was only in 3 days a week at the most (and my pals who did BAs were in less than even that in first year!)

It has to be his choice. If he wants to live away then I'd let him. It's quite a complicated and unforgiving route between Chelmsford and Luton by public transport (I do personally think driving would be better if he has to), so I would second the idea of staying away 2 nights a week to cut down on commuting.

whycantwegoonasthree · 21/08/2017 19:24

I don't know why that's rude this is mumsnet not netmums I wasn't saying he is a lazy entitled millennial, just that a lot of them are – it seems rare now that teenagers and students have jobs, when in my day it used to be the norm.

If he has a job then presumably he'll need to stay close by to maintain that - or will he get another one?

If he's going to do commissioned art a) will it bring in enough on its own and b) does he need a specific space to do it? You can't very well get your oil paints out in a Travelodge.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/08/2017 19:30

"I don't know why that's rude"

I thought your post was rather rude, too, whycantwe.

(though I've never been on netmums, so can't compare).

magicinthenight · 21/08/2017 19:30

I would ask the uni how they usually room foundation students, I had a few friends who had done foundation and our uni tried to put them in groups in halls so they were with at least one or two others. I can't speak from personal experience but I think living there would be beneficial, student finance will provide four years of maintenance and even with friends not on the same course they will probably really enjoy the social side. Also (and not to encourage him!) I think that he may be overestimating the amount of time first years spend in uni Wink. Not just because of getting used to living alone and managing your own time, but also many courses now offer very minimal contact hours under the guise of 'independent learning' even in first year.

waterrat · 21/08/2017 19:34

He wont be bored and lonely as people will all have lectures etc on different days. And surely he should get a job in his spare time?

pioe · 21/08/2017 19:36

I did a foundation in art and it was far from minimal hours. I was a bit gutted that people would invite me out after uni and I'd have to get in my car and drive home. I definitely missed out on the social side of things. My friends joined clubs, met people from other courses and joined in with freshers week. A lot of people were local (30 min commute) but a lot also stayed in halls as it was a good course. Is he moving on to a new university or staying at the same one for the 3 years? 2 hours on a train each way is a lot.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2017 19:37

TBH I wouldn't want to do that regularly by car and I'm a very experienced driver. I live near Chelmsford and that NE section of the M25 and the southern end of the M1 are absolute nightmares at the best of times.

DangerMouse17 · 21/08/2017 19:38

As an FT student I did 3 to 4 days a week with lectures spread out. I don't understand why he would commute...he should stay there FT and work, use the library etc when he's not in class...like others do when not in lectures

Original poster
MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 19:39

DS has saved (5 figures) from working, so he doesn't have the stress of it during uni. I can't moan at him. He wasn't planning on getting a job during uni, apart from his art (he does digital art and sketches, so can do it on the go) and gets on average 2 commissions a week. Thank you for all the replies though, all very helpful and lots to think about.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 21/08/2017 19:40

Does he know anyone else going? If he does and there is an event on that he would like to go to maybe he could bunk down with them. Then gradually as he gets to know peple he can look at moving there.
Driving is a good option as he can leave when he wants and not have to wait for trains.
At my dss university in lreland students can rent a room in halls for one night if needed. Anything like that there?

Original poster
MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 19:40

The reason he wants to stay is because he's quite anxious and nervous about leaving the family (oldest of 5) and I suppose it's quite tough for him? I admit that I think it's best he goes, but that's his reasons. He will 100% go for year 1-3 and he has said this.

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/08/2017 19:41

Also agree that contact time with actual teachers is extremely low at uni ...even 20 years ago when I did a degree i onky had about 6 hours teaching !

Original poster
MrsLuckStephens · 21/08/2017 19:42

Same uni for the 4 years. He isn't doing art at uni, he is very talented at art and did it at A-Level, but decided on a different path.

OP posts:
Wide0penSpace · 21/08/2017 19:45

I used to rent a room on spareroom.com. It might be worth a look? Like a previous poster said, lots of people would love to rent a room for a few days a week and have their privacy back at the weekend.

Jedimum1 · 21/08/2017 19:57

I do 1.5h each way a couple of days a week and I love the journey, it allows me to do work at peace and without distractions. If it's only one form of transport, he should be fine. He can always look for a place to stay later, if he thinks he rather stay a couple of nights.

LemonBreeland · 21/08/2017 19:58

Will he have lectures all day on the days he is there? Lots of uni courses are not many hours a week. I had dsys with only 2 0r 3 lectures

whycantwegoonasthree · 21/08/2017 20:07

Agh. Well then, sorry to have caused offence to so many. I've been away from MN for a while - maybe it's got more polite in my absence! Hmm

I spend too much of my time these days interviewing and interracting with children in their early twenties who have never worked. They make my teeth itch. This idea that studying is such tremendously hard work that they couldn't possibly... ANYWAY.

I think they learn far more useful skills in a job than at uni - and you can tell the ones with proper work experience a mile off (and no, I don't mean internships...). They're usually far better prospects.

Your son has clearly done very well to save up, but I would encourage him to continue working a bit while studying and develop those skills further too. And lord knows he could probably use the nest egg once he graduates. Not least so he can fuck off somewhere for a year, if that's what he wants, without worrying about having a debt to pay off.

I just think it might form a part of his decision making is all. What else he might want/need to do with those remaining four days and evenings, and where/how he might best do that.

For what it's worth, I did an art foundation, which kept me at home for an additional year (no funds available to live out since we lived too close to college, and since it was full time I'd have struggled to earn enough to pay rent and bills). I spent half the time sleeping on people's floors so as not to miss out, and the additional year at home nearly did for my relationship with my parents. It was all a bit of a nightmare. But then I've always been a PITA independent person – I really needed to be out on my own after A levels.

Much as I adore my two, they'll be out on their ear at 18 if I have any say in the matter (which since it's my house I suspect I will...).

caffeinestream · 21/08/2017 20:14

It will still affect his social life to be living at home, even in a foundation year, honestly.

I know he doesn't want to move out, but I really think he'll regret it. That's a long commute - it might be fine in summer, but does he want to be doing it in the cold and dark, getting up early (in the dark) and coming home (in the dark), when the tube/train is packed and he has to stand, and he can't even go out with his mates on a student night because he has to get the train home.

Student nights are rarely on weekends because that's when the locals go out. Student deals for cinemas, restaurants, drinks, bars and pubs are pretty much all Mon-Thurs and occasionally Friday nights. He might not feel sociable now but I think he'll regret not living somewhere where he can go on impromptu nights out, hang out with classmates and get to know university life.

Please get him to consider it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread