To think it's pointless going back to work?

[hiimmumma]

I'm on maternity leave and it's coming to an end.
I had asked my employer if I could have some additional unpaid leave to take me to the end of the year but they said no. (I was upset but I know it's beyond my entitlement).
I've asked for flexible working 4 days a week which is taking them a long time to come back to me about, despite the fact that 50% of the staff in the same or similar rolls do this. Including 2 people that have returned from mat leave this year.
n.b I have worked at this company for 11 years including 24/7 email and phone availability, some long hours 36+ hours straight on rare occasions when required.
Above and beyond.
A usual day would be 9/9:30 - 6:30
Getting me home at 7pm
DH works in the same field and hours are

I get paid a decent salary but I'm looking into childcare options and whatever I do I seem to only come with £250 once over deducted childcare costs. And my travel would be £120 for the month.

So really what's the point?
How do people do it?

even more unreliable. He is on 100% commission so only gets paid if he works. Pays very well when he is working but have had 2 months this year with no work. So would have to live very tightly if we were to go onto one income, and he would be very stressed.

Aibu to just call it a day on my career and put all the pressure on my Husband to make enough money?
I don't think I'm ready, but I also don't want to miss out on seeing my child grow up for the sake of £80 a month!
Any advice would be appreciated.

YANBU. Life is short and they are only small for such a long time. I think you would be crazy to go back to work personally. One thing if you would be be better of financially, but why miss these precious years of your baby's life. It doesn't sound like you want to, so don't.

I was in this position OP. I decided not to go back and it was the best decision I ever made. I adore being a full time mum to my 2 year old. There's no point flogging yourself to death for £250 a month. These years are precious and you don't get them back. It's a bit of a brave decision because it's not the trend at the moment, the government would rather you work and pay tax and pay someone else to look after your child and they also pay tax, but if you can get by financially, it's amazing what you can do without. We both drive old bangers and holiday in the UK but we're happy as Larry. If you don't buy into all the 'lifestyle' nonsense that is marketed at us these days it's a really happy way of life and you won't regret it 😀

Saying that we are extremely lucky to have the amount of mat leave we do in this country and for a lot of places it is the norm to go back much earlier than what we do.

True, but quite a few of the countries where they have a shorter ML than we do, they get better pay for it. I'm not talking about really poor societies, but some other European countries like Holland and Switzerland. The amount of money we get isn't too dissimilar to some other developed nations, it's just spread longer and thinner. So eg the Swiss get 14 weeks, but it's at 80% of pay (though capped). In Holland it's 100% for 16 weeks. I bet the sums involved are probably about the same as 39 weeks SMP. Or MA actually, since nearly as many women get that as SMP.

Only you know how nuch your career means and how nuch you would miss it. I could only return for the hours you have outlined if we absolutely needed the money or I absolutely loved my job. If neither of those things are true then I would not stay. Can you look at other part time or more flexible job options in january and give yourself the rest of the year as you wanted.

Honestly? I would go back. I was in the position of being a single mother with no support nearby from when ds was born. I worked out I'd actually have been better off on benefits, once costs of working were deducted. However, I went back to work, struggled for the first couple of years, then pay went up, got help towards nursery fees etc.
I now earn nearly three times what I earnt then; ds1 is 12s so it's taken a while, but its been worth it. I have friends who are in the same line of work (professionally qualified) and gave up work to be sahm until children were of school age. Those who want to have massively struggled to find work (and one who really needs to as she is getting divorced is having no luck at all).
I struggled a lot during the long and lonely baby and toddler years but I can honestly say that I wouldn't be in work now if I hadn't.
Your career may be easier to get back into after a career break than mine, but it is worth bearing in mind that circumstances change and once out of the labour market for a long period it's usually quite difficult to get back in.

'They're only little for a short time."

Well- that's fairly obvious! children are only at each stage for a short time, and Every stage is wonderful.

If you and your dh agree that you staying at home is best for your family, then fine- it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. But I would really urge you to think with your head as well as your heart. As I said, the week before maternity leave runs out probably all women have a 'gulp' moment - totally natural. What does your work mean to you? It's not just whether you're 'career minded' ... I'm not fussed about a high flying career, but I've always worked because it's stimulating, fun and brings something extra into my life. I'm also in a socially very useful role which adds another dimension. Think about the kind of balance you want in your life and whether work will help that

And please don't let anyone guilt trip you into feeling that you and your dh aren't raising your child if you do decide to go back to work. You two are the primary carers, you'll be the ones your dc loves most and the ones who are parenting him.

Good luck whatever you decide.

When you look back on your life, will you wish you had worked more? Or that you got to spend loads of precious time with your baby, getting to see all their "firsts" and enjoying all the baby and toddler stage with them? Being a full time mum is amazing :-)

OP would be a full time mum regardless, because provision of income for your child is parenting.

Ah I wondered how long til that tired old chestnut came out.

I'm in my 50s now and I certainly don't look back and regret only changing 4 nappies on a Tuesday back in 1991, rather than the usual 7 because the childminder did some! Or that I only watched Pingu 5 times on repeat rather than 10 when it was dd's favourite.

I do however look back on having had a wonderful time parenting my 3 gorgeous children while having the added dimension of a working life too

I can't imagine I'll suddenly have a Damascus moment on my death bed and realise I've been wrong all these years

I would go back and give it a good to for 6 months.

I found it really hard going back after having my son but having now been back at work for 2 years, I'm really glad I did it. We are nearly finished paying childcare so will soon have more disposable income and my salary has increased in that time as well. DS is thriving at pre school and I enjoy being able to use my brain and be 'me' away from the home.

If after 6 months it really isn't working then you can reconsider/reapply for part time work but I would urge you to give it a go.

I had a good job but after my second, I quit. It wasn't financially viable (short term I know) and I really wanted to spend as much time with my little ones as possible. I feel privileged to be able to do this. Money is tight but worth it for me. Once both are in school, I hope to find some flexible, school friendly decent paid work (this exists right?!).
Good luck with whatever decision you make. There is no right or wrong choice, just what works for you.

Sorry to break it to you Newengland but I am not convinced that 'flexible, school friendly decent paid work' does exist.

notanother Lovely sentiment but what about a husband that may have to work even longer hours to keep a family financially afloat? The op says that while her h can command more money he hasn't worked for two months this year. Is it fair to put one partner under so much strain?

Our quality of life on one salary wouldn't be fun so all the nice parts of my mat leave I wouldn't have been able to continue to do lunches out, trips to the zoo etc etc I went back 4 days and yes I would rather work less but honestly our quality of life is better and once he starts school we will be financially better off again
Nursery has been tough financially but worth it in the long run

Here here mistress page

I went back to work and actually just added to my credit card, I am not ending the month in credit. The way I see it, I'm avoiding a gap in my career, which is difficult to come back from, plus I'm using this time to get extra training at university, so the hopes is that by the time my DC are both in school, I'd be able to progress onto a better paid role and pay back what I'm accruing. It depends on the industry and whether it would be easy to go back to a similar position after a few years out. Plus it might depend on whether you are happy to ask for money to DH/DP if you want clothes for kids/you, or go out with a friend, etc.

Also look for au-pair options if you want to reduce childcare costs.

I wouldn't work full time for £130 a month. I just couldn't justify the time spent away from dc and the stress. I understand the long term aspect and pensions but I would be so resentful of doing all that for almost nothing in terms of financial reward for quite some time just to retain a job. We are all different however.

Could you go back and see how it goes. if it isn't working, be looking for a part time job, negotiate with your employer to say you have tried but you will have to leave if you can't work flexible hours or just leave.

I agree OP, it is a difficult decision. Sadly I also don't think decent paid, flexible school friendly work exists, or if it does it is very rare. There is also no out-of-hours formal childcare available where I live.

Just to add, have you made a formal flexible working request? At least that way they have to give you a business reason to refuse it. Also, re. talking about it in real life, I have found the opposite. I know loads of people (mostly but not all women) who have dramatically reduced their career or had to change jobs or given up completely as they could not make their hours work with childcare.

Don't give up your job. It is hard to begin with but stick it out. Basically if you leave it is the end of your career. you'll have much less money and your DH will feel the pressure of being the only breadwinner.

Try not to obsess about !130 at the moment but long term, you are keeping your options and your family's options open.

If you can get childcare vouchers register asap. They are closing the scheme to new applicants as of April 2018 and you can bet its replacement won't work out as good.

But childcare costs aren't forever. You will have a lot of trouble getting back into work with a big hole in your CV.

Just reading through
Thanks everyone for the replies valid points from both sides of the argument. Which I guess I knew, that's why it's so hard!

I had a chat with DH. He instantly said that it wasn't worth it, we could cut back and he didn't want me to be miserable working for little to no financial reward. But then I did argue the long term benefits that have been pointed out by posters here and he agreed.

I think I'll go back for 6 months at least and then see where we are at and how I feel.
In the meantime looking for other jobs, part time or even just something that means I can collect from nursery so that would save us a bit and I would get to spend more time with my boy.

I have a meeting at work on Thursday about my official flexible working hours request. Hopefully it's a positive meeting, they haven't given anything away.