DP says I am not supporting his hobby

[meanapparently]

NC as very outing, but I am not a troll (fruitshoots, penis beaker)

I have been with DP for 4 years, engaged for 2. I have 1 dc aged 6 and he has 3 dc aged between 5 and 9.

We are largely very happy. All the kids get on, and his dc are close to me, my dc is close to him. We've worked very hard to get to this point.

Our motley little family means the world to me.

Recently, dp has taken up a hobby. Its acting. He got a minor part in an independent movie, and was then an extra in a student film. He's very keen to do more.

I told him I had no problem with him having this hobby, as long as it didnt affect his time with me and the children, and he assured me that it wouldnt. But it has. He has his DC 1 day a week and EOW. The last time they were here, he was off 'filming' all day and left them with me. I wasnt that impressed but he said it would be a one off. He then missed a further day with his DD, and then the final straw was yesterday when he went filming on one of the only 2 days a month we get with no dc. I had planned a day out and he assured me he would be home in time for it, however he came back 3 hrs later than planned.

He made no effort to apologise, he came in very exuberant, saying that he's finally found something hes good at, and that once this film has been completed he is going to send off an audition tape to major broadcasters. I pointed out that nearly all acting work is in London (a 1 hr train trip from home) and what about me, and the DC, and the time we spend together as a blended family.

He just said that there was always Skype, and that the dc would understand that he was doing it to earn lots of money etc. I pointed out that this would mean that a) his dc wouldnt see him b) I wouldnt see the dc that I have come to love and c) ds wouldnt see the children he has come to think of as his siblings. He even got dps dd a sister card for her birthday which he chose himself.

He then started accusing me of being selfish and not supporting his dream, he then started saying that he might as well kill himself as now he cannot achieve his dream. He even got a knife out of the drawer.

I am pretty devastated by it all, we slept apart last night and he seems pretty remorseful today, saying I am right etc and he wont pursue acting further, but now I feel like I've ruined his life just because I want to put our family first. AIBU?

All sorts of red flags here, sorry.

He needs to see his GP, urgently, to talk about his mental health and his meds.

He got a minor part in an independent movie, and was then an extra in a student film. He's very keen to do more.

I don't actually know if he's any good, I think he must be as hes landed everything hes tried for

If everything he's tried for is two parts, one of them a student film, it's hardly the greatest portfolio in the world, is it?

I don't think he feels he's finally found something he's good at, rather that he's found something that means he doesn't have to acknowledge that he has children. Or a wife.

He needs to go back on his meds and wake up to his responsibilities. What's your relationship like with his ex? Would she possibly still let the DCs come over at least some of the time so that they can keep their bond with their half brother? (I know you've said she wouldn't, but if you explained?)

I know several actors, you will probably have heard of one of them as he got a part in a couple of big films in the 90's through being best mates with the director. He has done a few other UK films that have been very popular but despite working for 20 years in the business he isnt earning "lots of money".

The others you wont have heard of at all. They have done theatre, and one is now running a drama school, one is out of the business altogether and one runs a local am dram group while working his day job.

Not only does he need to stop with the threatening emotional abuse, stop with abandoning his kids to his selfishness and stop treating you like a nanny, he needs to get a good dose of reality.

Every year hundreds of drama students pour out of their schools looking for work. Going to RADA for example, is no guarantee of success so someone who's only experience is extra work in student films doesnt stand a chance. He is more likely to be Ricky Gervais in Extras than Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible!

YANBU - he's being an overly dramatic bell-end. Not only for putting this hobby of his before you and his kids, but for then threatening to kill himself with a knife when you called him out on his shitty behaviour. He needs to take a long, hard look at himself. He's being a selfish twat at the moment. He regrets his kids does he? Well then he should've worn a condom or got a vasectomy. If having kids wasn't on his man-child agenda then why the hell does he have three of them? Stop enabling him OP and surely the ex knows he hasn't been around - have the DC not told her already? My 9-year-old wouldn't keep quiet about something like that. As for stopping them coming - surely as a LP she welcomes the EOW break this him having them entails?

I'd be very worried about him coming off his meds, if I were you. Threatening suicide is not something to be taken lightly, drama queen though your DP clearly is.

MissHavisham, bingo! I know a bipolar sufferer who was initially diagnosed as depressed. Depressive phase = staying at home and going to the doctor for antidepressants, manic phase = very intense new obsessions and lots of socialising. They were living a sort of double life as the doctor never saw them manic and their friends never saw them depressed.

Even if he gets the parts, that doesn't mean he'll always be in the final product. How's he going to feel when he winds up on the cutting room floor? What if he gets a part big enough to notice, or if he does theatre work, and a critic cuts him to shreds?

Of course, if you ask him those questions, you'll be dissing him. I agree with the poster who suggested he try a bit of am-dram. That's how I get my fix.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like a hobby so much as an attempt at a career change.

It's hard because you say he sort of regrets having his DC and isn't very good at spending time with them? I think you're onto a losing battle here if this is really the case.

Sadly I think you're run into one of those relationship-fatal things. If he pursues acting and is successful it will almost definitely take him away from all of you, if he isn't successful he could become fixated and bitter (I know that one), and if you manage to talk him into largely giving it up, you become the woman who blocked his big chance. The only positive result here will be if he comes to his senses on his own...

Oh dear, OP. I work in the arts and this is something I've seen before, people deciding they've 'found' acting and then giving up their real lives. It's delusional.

Getting paid work as an actor is exceptionally hard. Being an extra isn't acting. Only something like 5% of Equity members are in paid work at any one time.

Of course standing about on a film set with other like-minded people is fun. Of course being the centre of attention and working creatively is fun. But those things aren't representative of life in the industry, where the constant worries about the money, the predictable, "what will I have seen you in?" from every new person that you meet, and the endless auditions around which you have to try to schedule other, paying work, are an absolute killer unless you have a whacking great pot of saving.

The problem is that for 'real' actors (and I suspect that's what your DP thinks he is), am dram isn't good enough.

I don't think I could be with someone who wanted to take up acting in later life, sorry OP.

I thought about bipolar too, I have to say.

Most of the actors I know - the ones who have stayed the course, I trained myself 25 years ago - are incredibly un dramatic. It's their job, they love it, they can get very luvvy-darling when they're around other actors, but they are actually very practical, feet on the ground people. They have to be, when they're lucky to work 6 months out of the year. (these are the successes!)

Thinking further...he isnt tough enough for acting.

Most of acting is rejection. Not getting the audition, not getting past the first round, not getting the part, getting the part but ending up on the cutting room floor, getting savaged (or ignored) by the critics, getting savaged by the public. Even the most financially and artistically successful performers get savged as no one is everything to everyone.

You need to be tough as old boots to get through that. Threatening to slash his wrists because you expect him to spend time with his kids does not indicate to me that he has the sort of personality that will cope with the rejection.

What will he do? Threaten to throw himself off a tall building every time a casting director turns him down?!

Do the children not tell their mum that they haven't actually seen their dad during their visits?

Ugh, he reminds me of an exBF, OP. He was much older than me and I'm pretty certain he went out with me because I work in the industry and he thought he could use me to advance his 'acting career'. Gave up his business for it, went to a two bit acting school for a year... 10 years on and he's currently making his own shitty short films with what remains of his savings.

OP, I can say with 99.9% certainty that even if your DH has the talent of Benedict Cumberbatch and the looks of Orlando Bloom he will probably never make anything of himself. It's almost impossible to break into acting when you're middle aged. I have many friends who are incredibly talented and went to the top acting schools straight out of university AND have family contacts in the business. Two or three of them you'd possibly recognise but you wouldn't be able to name them. Many more of them have languished, doing temp job after temp job and maybe once a year getting a theatre job that pays them expenses only for 2-3 months.

Getting small or non-speaking parts in student and independent films won't count for anything and isn't at all indicative of your DH's talent. Those films have little or no budget usually so can't get better actors.

Sorry, I know that's going to sound harsh to your DH but it's the bald truth. I have many years experience in this industry so know what I'm talking about. Sounds like he needs a reality check and to step up and be a proper bloody husband and father

The biggest problem sounds like his mental health deteriorating. I think the first thing is to get him to go back to the GP - if he won't, then I'm afraid you're going to need to get the DC away from him.

In a more general way, I have some sympathy with his position. For a lot of people 'having a family' is not enough. People who have a passion for something are miserable if they are coerced into giving it up 'because you have a family now and that should be all you need.' It's unfortunate that people aren't told, when they are young enough to ensure they avoid parenthood, that parenthood is not compulsory.

If he gets help and stabilises, there may be a way of sorting out a compromise so that he can do some actingand his share of parenting, but while he is this volatile, discussing it with him will not help.

If he's serious he could start with lessons, as suggested upthread, but put off doing the real work until his children are older.

Many people put off following their dreams/changing career for the few years their children are young.

I'd be concerned that all this energy he is pouring into this new thing is a bit manic and emotionally over-invested. To be a successful (ie working) actor you really need a very thick skin and he will suffer badly if he is not prepared for the unpleasant side of it.
As far as I'm concerned it seems like you laid out your concerns and priorities early on. YANBU to 'not support' this if by that he means you've maintained your initial priorities.
It sounds like he thinks his new hobby is going to rescue him from the less exciting/rewarding sides of life. But of course that's not true.

More concerned about him coming off his mess and now getting a knife out of the draw!

Regarding you looking after his children while he's away - if this is denying the children's mother time with them then this is very unfair. And you say your son would be upset, well, so would their mother and her needs/desires trumps his here.

I would be so pissed off if my kids were with my ex's partner when they could be at home with me.

Sorry why is this about a hobby? His hobby could be abseiling naked with a rose between his bum checks but ffs never mind the bloody hobby - your partner gets a knife out of the drawer, has threatened to kill himself and its ok as he's just a bit dramatic, and he says he wishes he never had his DCs? WTAF?

So looking at what's immediately, really important, have you arranged for him to see the GP for a new mental health assessment?

Normally, if an adult was saying to their DP that they wanted to take on a 1 hour commute to have their dream job, I would say that they should be "allowed" to do it - unless there were very compelling reasons why not.

In your case though, I'm a bit worried about how the reality will compare to DP's expectations - and how that will effect his mental health. There is going to be rejection. Even if he is a fabulous actor, he won't get every part. Unless lucky enough to land a TV or mainstream film role, he won't be earning "lots of money" will he? Unless things have changed, aren't most stage roles pretty poorly paid (for London, involving a London commute anyway).

I would try to encourage him to keep it at hobby level TBH. It's nice that he has a hobby he enjoys, that he feels he is good at. It's a good confidence boost, which is good for his mental health (although concerning that he has come off his meds possibly without his GPs support).

He needs balance though. To have some time for his hobby, but without neglecting his family - and without leaving his DC all to you!

The amount of threads on here about (mainly) DH's who have seemingly opted out of family life to pursue a "hobby" should tell you you are not alone.

The advice is generally the same. Hobbies are great if they fit in with family life & both adults get a chance to have one (and you can afford them). Hobbies are not great when they operate to the detriment of family life. There has to be balance.

Sorry - I'd totally managed to miss the knife aspect!

Absolutely, mental health is the priority. Once he has that stabilised he can start to think about his hobby and possible career change again!

It's okay to have a hobby that will occasionally take him away from his family.

It's not okay to threaten/pull knives.
It's not okay to make you always fully responsible for HIS children.
It's not okay to seriously think he's definitely going to make it as a money-spinning actor if only he's allowed out more.

A friend has been an actor since uni. She has been in theatre, national ad campaigns, bit parts in TV show. She has an agent. She is working fulltime in an office at the moment because there are just not enough parts and they are incredibly hard to grab even when you're the right age/sex/height/whatever for them. If it was just about the acting, am dram or being an extra would do for him. But if he thinks he can make money, he's unrealistic.

I'd be very worried about him. And pissed off.

He's been doing the acting - it hasn't stabilised his mood? What happens when the rejections start coming? Will he be able to handle those?

I imagine you get a lot more praise for an acting job than for an office job. Is that what he likes?

wow so many responses! Thank you so much! too many to respond individually but I have read every one of them.

The bi-polar thing is really interesting and definitely a subject I will broach with him. Is it common for someone with bi-polar to feel disconnected to his family and in particular his dc? It could explain so much. In some way s I hope it is that, as then its something that can be helped.

My ds isnt their half brother, he's their step brother, so no if we split up their relationship would dissolve too and they all have so much love for eachother it would be heart breaking. We cant have any bio dc of our own as he had a vasectomy 3 years ago, with my blessing as I knew that he would hate to have another child.

I'm hoping hes spent more time today while I've been at work reflecting on what he did and said.