Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DP says I am not supporting his hobby

102 replies

meanapparently · 21/08/2017 12:02

NC as very outing, but I am not a troll (fruitshoots, penis beaker)

I have been with DP for 4 years, engaged for 2. I have 1 dc aged 6 and he has 3 dc aged between 5 and 9.

We are largely very happy. All the kids get on, and his dc are close to me, my dc is close to him. We've worked very hard to get to this point.

Our motley little family means the world to me.

Recently, dp has taken up a hobby. Its acting. He got a minor part in an independent movie, and was then an extra in a student film. He's very keen to do more.

I told him I had no problem with him having this hobby, as long as it didnt affect his time with me and the children, and he assured me that it wouldnt. But it has. He has his DC 1 day a week and EOW. The last time they were here, he was off 'filming' all day and left them with me. I wasnt that impressed but he said it would be a one off. He then missed a further day with his DD, and then the final straw was yesterday when he went filming on one of the only 2 days a month we get with no dc. I had planned a day out and he assured me he would be home in time for it, however he came back 3 hrs later than planned.

He made no effort to apologise, he came in very exuberant, saying that he's finally found something hes good at, and that once this film has been completed he is going to send off an audition tape to major broadcasters. I pointed out that nearly all acting work is in London (a 1 hr train trip from home) and what about me, and the DC, and the time we spend together as a blended family.

He just said that there was always Skype, and that the dc would understand that he was doing it to earn lots of money etc. I pointed out that this would mean that a) his dc wouldnt see him b) I wouldnt see the dc that I have come to love and c) ds wouldnt see the children he has come to think of as his siblings. He even got dps dd a sister card for her birthday which he chose himself.

He then started accusing me of being selfish and not supporting his dream, he then started saying that he might as well kill himself as now he cannot achieve his dream. He even got a knife out of the drawer.

I am pretty devastated by it all, we slept apart last night and he seems pretty remorseful today, saying I am right etc and he wont pursue acting further, but now I feel like I've ruined his life just because I want to put our family first. AIBU?

OP posts:

SilverBirchTree · 21/08/2017 12:34

So his mental health is suffering for this hobby.

Threatening suicide and waving knives around is abusive to you & DC.

I think that's a much bigger issue than how he spends his time. He need to go back on his medication and stop this dangerous and abusive behaviour. It's incredibly selfish to put you all in an unhealthy environment for the sake of his self indulgent hobby.

MudGolum · 21/08/2017 12:34

I'd leave him for that. "Agree with me or it'll be your fault if anything bad happens". Depression is a bastard, but you don't get to use it as a stick to beat others with.

But if his ex-w knew it was me doing the lion share of childcare and not him, she'd stop them coming

I wouldn't blame her. I'm sure you're lovely and they're safe and very happy in your care, but if she's missing time with her DC so they can see their Dad then that's what they should be doing.

SilverBirchTree · 21/08/2017 12:34

You step children are very lucky to have you OP.

DJBaggySmalls · 21/08/2017 12:34

Your DP could be good at acting. Why not give him a chance to find out? Commuting is not unusual.

I dont understand why me and the dc cant be enough for him.
I dont think that is any more reasonable than demanding someone be a stay at home Mum and supportive wife who submerges herself in her family.
Or getting a knife out of the drawer and threatening suicide.

SilverBirchTree · 21/08/2017 12:35

Depression is a bastard, but you don't get to use it as a stick to beat others with

^This 100%

Dina1234 · 21/08/2017 12:35

He's the one being selfish but let's be real here. He's not going to be one a successful actor most likely. He probably won't even get any talking roles. There is a reason why most actors in Britain cone from privileged backgrounds-standards are high and it takes a lot of work to achieve the kind of skill and experience that creates success. Why not let him have his little dream for a few months before he finally realised that he's not as good as he thought. He'll give it up the .

thereallochnessmonster · 21/08/2017 12:37

How old is he? And is the first time he's ever expressed a burning desire to act?

Has his behaviour been been ok apart from this suicide threat and pulling the knife?? I think he needs to see the GP and go back on the meds. His acting is not more important than his role as father and husband.

You are both allowed a hobby, but he is being completely selfish if he expects you to look after his DC when he's off pursuing his dream. Mid-like crisis?

RandomDent · 21/08/2017 12:38

If he just wants to act as opposed to being A Famous Actor then he can do local am dram till his child is older. Our local groups are really good, so it's not like he'd be slumming it.

You're very good, OP. If he'd got a knife out in front of me I'd have been very tempted to say "Is this a dagger I see before me?" (Sorry)

Loopytiles · 21/08/2017 12:39

Threatening self harm (or violence) to manipulate is abusive.

You mention that he's a shit father to your step children. Sees them EOW and one night and can't / won't engage with them or even be there because he'd rather work for peanuts seeking a new career in an ubercompetitive field he's unqualified for. Twat.

Your "motley little family" is seemingly totally dependent on YOUR effort: this man does not "have your back".

TumbleBee · 21/08/2017 12:45

Wanting to go into acting 'to earn lots of money' is roughly on a par with entering the National Lottery as a long-term career strategy.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 21/08/2017 12:45

I'm with Loopy. These aren't the choices of a great father who loves his children whilst dealing with mental illness. It sounds like you're doing all the work. That's not a fair relationship. His threat of suicide is deeply troubling. It is a deeply manipulative way to control you. You need to phone your GP or his psychiatric consultant/ nurse to talk. TBH, if he's not engaging with his kids, they're better off with their mother.

TumbleBee · 21/08/2017 12:46

Also this -

If he'd got a knife out in front of me I'd have been very tempted to say "Is this a dagger I see before me?" (Sorry)

BlurryFace · 21/08/2017 12:46

He's gone off his meds?!?! Fuck that! And the "give me what I want or I'll kill myself" thing sounds like it could be something other than "just" depression.

If he does that again, leave with the DC and call 999 and tell them a mentally ill person has gone off his meds and is threatening suicide.

Once you have kids (even ones you regret) your dreams must work around them or be scrapped. Especially if you "have" to go off medication you need to be a functional person.

cardibach · 21/08/2017 12:48

The new information about coming off men's because they make it harder for him to act changes my opinion here, OP. It's not healthy for him. His medical advisers need to help him out here.

annandale · 21/08/2017 12:48

He's come off the meds and is making impulsive suicide plans/threats?? He needs to see his GP soon. If he makes more threats of that kind or leaves the house in a state, consider calling the police. Does he recognise that his mental health is deteriorating?

Don't say he needs to go back on the meds - that's not your call. You should be concerned and tell him so though.

SouthWindsWesterly · 21/08/2017 12:48

Career moves are fine, however it shouldn't be at the detriment to his children. Are his roles paid for? Or is he getting all the jobs because he's working for free? Am afraid he comes across all me me me to the point where he ignores his own children.

And he needs to go back in his meds if he's flourishing knives and threatening to end himself over his new career

cardibach · 21/08/2017 12:48

Meds. Not men's (men's what?). My iPad is nuts.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2017 12:52

It sounds like this is killing two birds for him, exciting new hobby and excuse to finally bin off parenting his children.

What's he said to you and them about the times they've come to stay and he's been away living his dream?

You're doing a great job stepping in for him but it's already becoming a habit and it's not fair on any of you. He doesn't get to make decisions by simply ducking out and avoiding his responsibilities.

You need to have a serious discussion about the whole situation, and that's only if you're happy to live with the ridiculous and unpleasant knife incident. What a tool.

crookedpinky · 21/08/2017 12:54

he then started saying that he might as well kill himself as now he cannot achieve his dream. He even got a knife out of the drawer.

I guess you're finding out how good an actor he is. He's enjoying this part of his life and thinks you are threatening it, hence the dramatic threats.

Most actors are unemployed and very few can make a living at it. Right now he needs to help you support your young family, selfish man.

diddl · 21/08/2017 13:00

"But if his ex-w knew it was me doing the lion share of childcare and not him, she'd stop them coming, and that would break my ds heart."

Well hopefully the kids will tell her as he sounds a complete waste of space as far as they are concerned.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 21/08/2017 13:00

There isn't 'lots of money' in acting, except for the very few who hit the big time. Bit parts, theatre work, it's not well paid at all.

Re his MH needs, has anyone considered bipolar? He sounds like my ex who used to hit sudden powerful and all consuming passions (Mr Toad like crazes) which would occupy everything, and anything impeding it was a disproportionate disaster. They were the manic phases of ex's cycle. Another thing that's ringing a bell for me in what you're describing: it doesn't sound like your ex wants to be a family man. Mine didn't either, some of what was driving the depression was feeling tied and overwhelmed and at the bottom of it all wanting out.

I've also had the suicide dramatic manipulations: for me that was where the relationship ended. Supporting a depressed partner is one thing, but when you become the focus of those kind of mind games - it took a few before I got clued in, but that was the end really of being able to trust in and have a partnership with them.

Please take care of yourself and be carefully aware of your own position, whatever choices you decide to make.

ZippyCameBack · 21/08/2017 13:01

Does it have to be fame and fortune, or would he take classes and exams to train up to the standard where he could teach others? I took a shedload of acting exams at school and loved it. My teacher wanted me to apply to drama school and then I'd have been able to work towards becoming a drama teacher myself, but my parents wouldn't hear of it.
Threatening suicide if you don't do what he wants is really awful and controlling. I know you have a lot invested in this relationship, but I wonder what the chances of it working out well are when he is behaving like this. Does his doctor know he is off his meds, and is he being monitored?

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/08/2017 13:02

If he's really determined to act, ie put in all the shit work first, why not suggest he takes some acting lessons? Because all the student and indie films in the world aren't going to make him famous (or any money), he'd need to step it up a lot of gears and have an agent to do that.

Acting lessons are schedule-able, so you'd know where and when he'd be taking them and could work children around them.

If, as I suspect, he decides he's a natural and doesn't need any lessons, 'can't be taught' etc, then be very, very careful he doesn't just give up his day job to 'follow his dream' with no basis, no training, no real portfolio of work and nobody behind him to get him auditions. There are hundred of kids coming out of drama school every year with all those things, is he really ready to compete?

And as an aside, my XH started with the 'I'm going to be a...' with no real idea of what he wanted to be, tried several different jobs and was shit at all of them before having a breakdown and running for the hills. Yours might be building to this.

averythinline · 21/08/2017 13:04

What are you and your DC getting out of this...? if the DC were around with the knife waving about etc they could have been terrified...

You sound like a kind person but its not your job/life to solve his issues and run the family ....you can't rescue his DC from a crap dad and yes if I was their mum I would not be happy that he is not with his children and is off his meds/waving knives around....would you be happy if your dc were being treated like that by their other parent?..

You say we've worked hard at being a family what does that actually mean ?? what has he done and what have you done ? is it really comparable.....as doesn't fit with him not engaging with his children..

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/08/2017 13:04

Christ, if he's like this now imagine the trauma when he doesn't get the parts .

I work alongside a part time Actor, highly strung , emotional and dramatic is part of their personality.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread