To think my husband should stop falling asleep holding our babies?

[candypanda283]

My husband falls asleep literally every night feed, we have 5 month old twins and he has been doing it since they were born. He gets the same amount of sleep as me, probably 6 to 7 hours (broken) and he only has to do night feeds when he isnt at work.

I made him go to the drs and they said he is just tired from having the babies, they did bloods and they're all normal.

What can I do? I need sleep myself and have PND but he is horrible overnight when I try and wake him up when he is holding the babies, he denies being asleep but he ends up bending over them and im worried he will kill them

There has to be some payback. I understand you now feel you have to do every night but he has to balance it out somehow. For example he should do the evening routine put them to bed early evening and look after them till 11pm when you take over.

You should also get all the lie ins too if he's getting undisturbed 11-7 each night

The outcome of your discussion really concerns me. You are left with more work while he does less. He wouldn't consider alternatives, eg you both (safely) co-sleeping, setting an alarm when he starts a feed.

An obvious next step would be for him to book an appointment with his GP or health visitor to discuss his fatigue and / or his views that it's OK to fall asleep on sofa with small babies.

YABU - looking after infants is tiring, and we all make mistakes, take the short term easy option, etc

Leave him alone. If you don;t like it, you do it.

Wow Neutrogena, you're remarkably chilled about something that could cause your baby's death. What are your views on car seats?

@ElizabethShaw
Car seats are vital - even for a 200 yard journey.

Of course people fall asleep when feeding their kids, dangerous or not.
It's human. Have some compassion.

Nah, sometimes people are too tired to bother with car seats though, where's your compassion for them?

Could he lay down on a bed and prop the baby up on his arm similar to a breastfeeding position so if he falls asleep baby is safer?
I read an article online about a mum smothering her baby after failing asleep on the couch, that put me right off ever feeding the baby on the couch. Could you set up a "feeding station" in your bedroom so you feed in the bedroom instead of the living room?

Your health visitor will definitely back you up as well.

He needs to pull his weight at other times

I see you have found a solution, but I was going to say sit them in bouncy chairs.

It's not really a solution though is it, it's just op having to do all the work! The fact that he's sitting on the sofa is what's causing the problem - he could just as easily feed standing or with baby in a bouncy chair or in a safe co-sleeping environment as op is doing. The fact that he refuses to change his ways suggests he just doesn't think feeding his children is his job

I caught my DP asleep on the sofa with dc1 once and I made him read a series of news reports about babies who had died in those circumstances. They were absolutely harrowing and it made us both more careful.

@ElizabethShaw

Nah, sometimes people are too tired to bother with car seats though, where's your compassion for them?

I have compassion for anyone who loses a child, even if they were at fault, be it smothering/not securing child in a car seat/smoking caused a house fire/etc

Are people too 'tired' to put their children in a car seat? Honestly?

Neutrogena a compassionate response to somebody who is putting their children at risk night after night would certainly involve trying to get them to stop

The compassionate response is to sympathise with the absolute chaos that must be 3 under 2. To recognise that falling asleep is not a conscious behaviour and not usually something someone can control, especially when they are understandably exhausted. And to suggest solutions which take this fact into account. Like many of us have already done.

It's not compassionate to handwring and say oh how terrible he must stop doing it, without suggesting any alternatives, because clearly the babies still need to be fed at night (even if they decide to sleep train, it doesn't work immediately) and somebody has to do it. It's not compassionate to handwave and say oh well he can't help it, never mind, because this could end in a tragic situation if it continues.

Thing is, I don't think the falling asleep as a one-off is the thing that's making us pissed off with OP's husband. A lot of people have said they did it - once - and were so shocked at the thought of what might have happened that they found strategies to make sure it never happened again. It certainly happened to me once when DS was a baby - like a lot of people on this thread my solution was to feed in a hard chair after that. Shitty and unpleasant and knackering, but at least I didn't smother DS.

But OP's husband's reaction isn't "Oh my god, you're right, I could have killed them..." it's "suck it up and let me put our children at risk, or do all the night feeds even though you're beyond exhausted and have PND." If people's responses lack compassion, it's because we're responding to a situation where OP's husband seems to have had both an empathy bypass and brain removal operation.

Poor OP is now in a situation where she has to do all the night feeds with twins on her own, and cope with her PND on her own, while man-child swans off to get a full night's sleep. (And I'd put money on him not giving her any catch-up time at the weekends either).

It's not an ideal situation, don't get me wrong.
Of course the DH should change what he does, though let's have some compassion.
Risk of infant death is very very low. Infant far more likely to die while in the car with mother.

If OP thinks risk is too great, then she should do the feeds.
It's not like DH wants to kill the infants.

I had an agreement with my partner pre-birth - "just because I (or you) may do things differently does not mean it is wrong. It's just different, and unless there is a big risk/danger, then keep schtum." This has served us both well.

The early months with twins are grim. Things that helped us were, really structured routine (after 3 months of chaos!). Feeding them at the same time, side by side on bouncy chairs, a dream feed done together my and DH. I then did the night feeds as DH was back at work by then and just couldn't work safely without sleep. It is really hard but it does pass. I remember crying with tiredness as I looked after them in the night.

My DH got up for work, sorted bottles, made me a lunch and put a wash on before he left so my morning routine was easier. It really is about teamwork.

Things we did at times that didn't help were competitive tiredness, trying to keep track of exactly who had the harder life and once we had the routine going breaking the routine for short term gains such as an extra half hours sleep.

risk of infant death is very low

it's up to 67 times higher if you allow your baby to co-sleep on a sofa or armchair

pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/128/5/e1341.full

Neutrogena sorry, but your comments horrify me. Sofa sleeping with young babies is dangerous. No ifs, buts or ands. It just is. Sure, we all fall asleep when exhausted... that's why you don't feed a baby on a sofa when shattered! Sneering at the OP that, "if you don't like it, you do it" is obnoxious beyond belief. What sort of adequate parent would like their baby being exposed, night after night, to a risk every single professional vehemently warns against? Just because it's more comfortable (and thus increasing sleep probability!) You don't need to be parent of the bloody year to avoid doing something so selfish and stupid. Suggesting that the OP should have to shoulder all the work if her partner is as lazy/stupid/selfish as that, and that anyone saying otherwise lacks compassion... are you smoking something exotic today or something? Or just had a compassion bypass of your own?

www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/uk-news/tragedy-baby-who-died-sleeping-13123947

i Nick was sleeping on the sofa because he did not want to wake Charlotte after coming home late from a Bristol City game - and said he would take care of Albie.

i The inquest heard Nick then fell asleep with his son on his chest.

Yeah, sorry, but Neutrogena your stats are wrong. Sofa sleeping is extremely dangerous. It's on a par with leaving kids in a bath unattended. That 67 times more dangerous stat also includes parents who are not falling asleep DIRECTLY ONTO the baby. That he's doing that every time is almost certainly going to increase the risk further.

You do your way, I do mine is all well and good but should not apply when safety is compromised.

If it was so dangerous there would be publicity about it.
Agreed it's MORE dangerous than not doing it, but still the risks are tiny.
Infanticide is a bigger risk.
Driving in a car is a far greater risk.

Most people have a poor idea about risk assessment.
Terrorism scares people, but risks are minute.
You're more likely to die falling from ill-fitting slippers than terrorism.

This is like that. It would be BETTER if he didn;t do it, but it's not a massive risk he does. You lot are casting him as someone who should be charged with attempted murder.

@JessicaEccles

Avon Coroners Court heard a post-mortem report failed to discover the cause of his death and recorded it as unascertained.

So, no mention that the fathers action had anything to do with it.
Have you ever heard of SIDS? Kids dying in a cot with no explanation.

i get that this is a concern, but i think the general theme of how wrong the OH is isn't that fair given even the small amount of context we have. He is also presumably going out and working during the day (and it's not fair to arbitrarily decide that certain jobs don't justify being tired), also helping deal with a 20month old (Op doesn't say how involved she is with that) as well as dealing with a partner with mental health issues that is telling him off for what she perceives as infractions.... that's going to be pretty draining... and then to be told off for sleeping...

it sounds a bit like competitive tiredness!