To think my husband should stop falling asleep holding our babies?

[candypanda283]

My husband falls asleep literally every night feed, we have 5 month old twins and he has been doing it since they were born. He gets the same amount of sleep as me, probably 6 to 7 hours (broken) and he only has to do night feeds when he isnt at work.

I made him go to the drs and they said he is just tired from having the babies, they did bloods and they're all normal.

What can I do? I need sleep myself and have PND but he is horrible overnight when I try and wake him up when he is holding the babies, he denies being asleep but he ends up bending over them and im worried he will kill them

I'm so sorry OP but as pp have said, your OH is very much in the wrong for attempting to defend this behaviour - you're tired too and you manage! Unplanned sleeping with baby is massively a risk factor for SIDS and he should be extremely concerned and making every effort to prevent it NOT minimising it and making excuses!

I used to fall asleep often feeding my twins. I had an arrangement with a v-shaped pillow and three other pillows that stopped me slumping and supported me all around. I even woke up thinking I had fallen asleep holding one, only to find they were both in their cot.

I only woke DH to help if both were awake at the same time. He usually got up to deal with DS1 which usually only took a minute. He was never on his own feeding or winding at night as I was up anyway. To be honest, he was rubbish at getting up at night and in the end we agreed that I do it and he gave DS1 his breakfast and brought me tea before he went to work. He is more of a morning person anyway.

The waking up does come to an end eventually - even DS1 slept through in the end (after his younger sisters ) Nothing lasts forever. Now I really hate to have my sleep disturbed.

It was lights on, pick her up and feed in a separate room for night feeds here. Heard a horror story from a colleague about somebody smothering a baby this way and was hugely paranoid about it. Had to get up to fix bottles anyway.

Oh and Netflix/music etc. I also had PND and my paranoia was through the roof.

We had a talk today, he's said there's nothing he can do and I am totally overreacting and says it's no different to when I cosleep. I cosleep with no duvet or pillows and it is planned. He falls asleep on the sofa bending over them.
Whatever, the new plan is for me to do all the night feeds,I'm going to try feeding them at the same time and see how we go. Thanks everyone, I knew he was in the wrong but he did make me doubt myself!

And stilldriving, why so rude? How odd.

So if he smothers his baby he'll be fine with "there was nothing I could do"?

I can believe him that he can't help falling asleep.

However what he can help is how he chooses to sit when feeding them. If he thinks it's no different to you co-sleeping perhaps he needs to read some co-sleeping literature to find out.

I really struggled to stay awake feeding DS, and I can't imagine how difficult it would be with two. We ended up co-sleeping properly, because there was just no other way we could have done it. That way, we knew we were doing it safely. Could you look into that?

If you're doing the night feeds, make sure you're getting some time back eg he does all feeds before midnight and you get a lie in at the weekends.

I have twins and after a few weeks hubby stopped doing night feeds for this very reason.

Tandem feeding is the answer if you can get the hang of it (I've not rtft so I don't know how you're feeding, but as hubby was helping I've presumed bottle.

If you try to let multiples run to their own clock then you're constantly chasing your own tail. One wakes for a feed, wake the other and feed both. Quick nappy and back down.

At 5 months mine were a bit big to share a cosleeper crib (I think they moved out at about 4 months - but it was great whilst they fitted)

I agree with what others are saying about getting time back at another point - it didn't really happen for us, but if he can do it and let you have a Saturday lie in and sort their breakfasts and take them for a walk then that is surely a start

Also, if he dozes off with them then he's clearly not capable of doing night feeds, but maybe if he's up less in the night and is better rested he may be able to handle the odd one every now and again.

Best wishes to you. Twins is hard. The night feeds do come to an end (and then you miss the sleepy snuggles)

Oh OP this must be so hard. I only had one and I just would fall asleep sometimes. I would throw my self in front of a bus for her but I couldnt make myself stay awake. We did risk minimisation. I mainly BF but some bottles.

I went to bed at 8pm after evening feed and my dinner - maybe you could go to bed when toddler does. DH (who is a DR so has to sleep at night so he doesn't kill people in the day due to being tired) did last feed of the night (11-midnight) bottle. If not awake by then he would wake her as this meant we had three to four hours till the next feed. I woke at 3-4am with her for her night feed. I never went to the sofa but fed sitting on the hard floor leaning on hard wall with her on my lap. I did still fall asleep sometimes but woke quickly as I was so uncomfortable on floor. As i understand it babies die mainly from smothering on sofa or rolling off - cant roll off the floor and much harder to be smothered on floorboards.

In day prioritise sleep above all else. Can you get some nursery for toddler - HV may be able to help you get funding/support? If both twins asleep you sleep. Sleep on weekend days when husband home. Forget the housework.

good luck

I would go quite a different route to everyone else on this thread, and work extremely hard on getting the twins to sleep through.
At 5 months they should be capable of a big chunk of sleep at least from 10pm to 6am.
If you can, get a sleep consultant in to help you.
It is terrifying to think of a man asleep on a sofa holding his twins in the middle of the night. It is a recipe for disaster

OP, make sure you get back some time if you do end up doing all the night feeds. Slept debt has to be paid back sometime.
Your DH is an idiot - not due to the sleeping, that's just unfortunate, but because he'd rather prioritise his own comfort over that of his babies.
Anyone who's ever been involved in the resuscitation of a baby (yes, I have) will tell you they never let unplanned sleep with their baby happen. The idea of your dh leaning over your babies and falling asleep makes my blood run cold.
It's hard being a parent, and it's exhausting. I can't imagine multiples at all, I'm sorry you don't have proper support

Yes - I'm not really a proponent of sleep training ever but this is a situation which just can't keep continuing. If that would be a solution that works for you then perhaps it's worth a look.

It must be so hard with twins, I can't imagine. You must do whatever gets you all through - but safely. Whether it's finding ways to stay awake, reducing the night feeds, or planning for the inevitable accidental sleep and making sure it's safe.

I am a bit worried about you taking it all on on your own but understand you have to do what you have to do. I hope as PP have suggested that the night feeds reduce soon enough anyway so it's not a long lived problem.

Have now at least read all your posts. I'm a couple of years further down the line than you but with a similar pattern of children (singleton, followed 2y later by twins).

I don't know about sleep training to get them to sleep through (though wouldn't that be great!) but if they're still taking an hour to settle after every feed then there's clearly something can be improved there. Do they have reflux? Silent reflux? What happens if you try to put them down before the hour?

My memory is a bit hazy (everyone says you forget the first 3 years with twins. I'm not at 3 yet but it's already quite hazy!) but at 5 months even if they need food then it ought to be possible to feed, wind, lay them down and aim for them to be settling in way way less than an hour. What do you currently do? Do you have to jiggle them to sleep?

I know that at 6m one of mine could sleep through some nights and if not he would wake once at about 2am and the other would wake a few times but only need feeding at about 2. All other wakings were pat and shh and comfort them back to sleep. Once one does it for themselves you start to feel more confidence to actually drop feeds and pat and shh them past it.

Lullaby Trust have printouts for you on safer sleep. They explicitly discuss the difference between planned co-sleeping and the dangers of a sofa. The stats are really scary; I remember with my eldest reading it was something like 8 times higher risk of SIDS with a sofa and adult asleep. Just not worth the risk.

Sleep deprivation is horrific, absolutely. I am so sorry. I wish I had more than sympathy to offer, but in most families and most situations it does pass. Are they sharing a cot? According to the LT info on twins they are alleged to settle better if they do as they soothe one another. It makes sense as all babies like human company when they sleep.

I'd also contact Home Start, a charity offering support for young families. You have three babies under 2 years of age. If anyone deserves some practical help, you do. You can self-refer and a volunteer could help with the babies, the housework, whatever you needed really. Just some support. Most of us find one baby hard enough: you have three right now.

Someone else who hates sleep training, but completely feels needs must when the devil drives, as the saying goes. Your kids need you in one piece more than they need anything else: if sleep training ensures your ability to cope, and in turn keep going and to keep meeting their needs, then it would be a child-centred decision here. It would absolutely be in their interests. Maybe something worth considering?

Again I think you are doing amazingly. I'd be on my knees. Just keep telling yourself that it WILL end and WILL get better.

Homestart will not help with housework. But they will look after the kids while you take a shower, help you manage taking all 3 of them to the park, help look after the kids whilst you batchcook some dinners, keep an eye on the kids whilst you do housework.

I had a homestart volunteer. She was amazing, but I really struggled when the placement ended (pretty much all placements are 2h a week for 6 months)

My son-in-law did this despite being told not to by all the family. My DD mentioned it to the midwife and she made it quite clear to him that it was extremely dangerous. That stopped him!

My DH did this once when DS was very young. He was on the sofa and could have killed him as he was completely squashed. I'd like to think intuition woke me as I ran downstairs and found him. It makes me feel sick thinking of what would have happened it I hadn't have woken.
Anyway, I never let him to a night feed again. I really don't think it's a good idea to tell your DH carry on. I'm 100% pro co sleeping, but falling asleep on a sofa or in a chair is completely different and just so dangerous.
What worked for us was if I went to bed early (say 8pm) and DH stayed up until around 1am, completely in charge of baby. We found that he could stay away if he hadn't yet been asleep and wasn't dressed for bed, etc. This way, I got a solid 5 hours sleep all before 1am.

The only other way is if he gets up early with them all weekend and lets you have a lie in for a few hours.

I co slept with my subsequent baby from the start which was a whole lot easier. Twins is a whole different ballgame though!

My oh is like yours op - after 4 years and 2 kids I do now actually believe him theres nothing he can do.

I don't let him do night feeds or help at night. Even if he takes the baby in the early evening he's not allowed to sit down with her - he has to stand and hold her.

I go to bed as early as possible and he stays up in eve to do the tidying etc. I then do the nights alone. He then takes the kids from 6am so I can get a lie in. It's hard but I don't trust him around the children when they are small.

What is your DH going to do to make sure you get more rest now you're doing all the overnights?

So he's unconcerned about the risks?

You doing all the feeds is a bad plan for your health and wellbeing. He is prioritising himself over your DC and caring for you.

the new plan is for me to do all the night feeds,I'm going to try feeding them at the same time and see how we go.

Is he going to do the bedtime bath or whatever else goes won with your older toddler?

Are you going to get a decent few hours on your own in bed from say, 7 or 8 pm on while he sees to the dishes and cleans the kitchen and tidies up the downstairs?

Are you going to get Saturday and Sunday mornings in bed, not having to get up to see to the toddler?

You need to be assured of sleep or at the very least the knowledge that you could nod off in bed with the babies and no disaster would follow.

If he gets to sleep all night every night then he needs to contribute to your chance to sleep.