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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should stop falling asleep holding our babies?

108 replies

candypanda283 · 20/08/2017 23:22

My husband falls asleep literally every night feed, we have 5 month old twins and he has been doing it since they were born. He gets the same amount of sleep as me, probably 6 to 7 hours (broken) and he only has to do night feeds when he isnt at work.

I made him go to the drs and they said he is just tired from having the babies, they did bloods and they're all normal.

What can I do? I need sleep myself and have PND but he is horrible overnight when I try and wake him up when he is holding the babies, he denies being asleep but he ends up bending over them and im worried he will kill them Sad

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 21/08/2017 06:59

Hey OP, I have twins. At 5 months I didn't hold them while I fed them. So at night they just lay in their cots side by side and I stood in the middle between the cots and held the bottles down to them. (I would do the same during the day only with them lying either side of me on a blanket while I knelt, on the floor).

If they are taking an hour to settle at 5 months that's quite a long time. Would you consider using a sleep consultant (we used the Millpond clinic, they were very good)? At 6 months onwards, you can start to try and reduce night feeds so it would be good timing.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/08/2017 07:20

Sleep deprivation is a killer. You're both suffering badly at present. No one likes being woken up. You are completely unreasonable to suggest your tiredness trumps his. Mind you sleep deprivation is a form of torture tool used by intelligence services and is contrary to the Geneva Convention, only on MN can you order someone to stay awake. Perhaps you could try waterboarding him sext week?

Now, sensibly, this worked for us, it probably won't work for you - stagger your sleep times. I'm an early bird, he's night owl. I would go to bed at 8pm and get up and be ready for the day with the 4am feed. DH would do the midnight feed and get up at 7am. No one gets broken sleep that way. I'm sure you will find a thousand reasons why that's unreasonable.

mummy2oneandtwo · 21/08/2017 07:30

I feel for you, I have twins and know how exhausting it is. My husband used to stay awake for the feeds then lie them on his chest to wind them and then fall asleep. It used to drive me crazy and I'd tell him how dangerous it was and to put them back into their co sleeper, which he would eventually do, but I felt I needed to be sure they were back safely before I could fall asleep, which would take ages sometimes.

I imagine he is being horrible when you raise it as he is being defensive as he knows he is in the wrong really!!

Were they prem? Are they really 5 months or do they have a corrected age too? I'd say around 6 months corrected the night feeds will start to drop to just the one and this problem will start to lessen. Then before you know it they'll be in their own cots and sleep through the night, this phase won't last forever x

Nuttynoo · 21/08/2017 07:45

I think for their safety just take over the night feeds. He can then take over completely during the day to allow you to sleep.

stressedtwinmom · 21/08/2017 07:53

Hi op I have twins and a 3 year old and it's bloody exhausting! I must admit sometimes whilst feeding them I have fallen asleep but woke up panicking and the only way I could stop that was to keep the light on. The babies didn't mind for the first 8 months but then I had to dim the lights else they wouldn't sleep.

Cherrytart6 · 21/08/2017 07:59

Stilldriving. I think her exclusion does trump his. He gets nights off and baby free days

abigailgabble · 21/08/2017 08:03

i think the idea about feeding in a bouncer is a good one. i don't know anything about bottle feeding but can you feed them in situ(crib)/he can stand then maybe a quick standing up cuddle to resettle?

i would be furious tbh. my DP is categorically not involved in nights for this reason.

willothewisp17 · 21/08/2017 08:04

there's no excuses for falling asleep holding a baby! our daughter has reflux and has to be held upright for half an hour after feeding and I've never fell asleep with her in my arms and I always warn my husband not too either! it's so so dangerous Sad

Loopytiles · 21/08/2017 08:10

Yanbu.

Unless he's a roofer, surgeon, drives long hours or operates heavy machinery or some such job he should be sharing ALL nightwork with you, especially given your mental health issue at the moment!

NotPennysBoat815 · 21/08/2017 08:11

I fell asleep loads of times BFing DD in bed. I felt so awful and wretched and OH would be so cross with me. Every night I would promise myself I wouldn't do it. Then I would just rest my eyes for a second and it would be morning Sad
Maybe the reason he had been nasty is because he's feeling guilty and scared.

inniu · 21/08/2017 08:13

I have been there with twins and a 22 month old and it is the worst tiredness and the worst arguments because of it.

Is staggered sleeping an option? He does the last feed in the evening and you go to bed early and do the night feed?

How many nights a week is he helping with feeds? If it is only 2 out of 7 can both of you have a look at his sleep over the full week and see if he can adjust that so he isn't so tired on the2 nights he is awake.

We had no one to help either and after a few weeks of practically no sleep we decided to use savings that were meant for something else to get a night nanny in once a week so I could sleep.

MeltorPeltor · 21/08/2017 08:21

Shift work? You go to bed at the same time as the 20 month old, he does any and all feeds for both between then and11.30/midnight. Then you do anything overnight and he takes over and does one before he goes to work?

When DS was tiny I did all night feeds but DH would give me Saturday nights off.

Also, take a nap when you can, I know it's hard with a toddler and house work but fuck it, sleep is more important.

LapinR0se · 21/08/2017 08:29

How much are they feeding at night?

Generallyok · 21/08/2017 08:37

I can totally relate to this. My DH claims he has no way of staying awake and consequently I never left my babies with him during the night. It still continues now if the kids are poorly for nights on end. I can't trust him to watch then while I get an hours sleep as he will always drops off. It's soo infuriating. I found his relaxed nature endearing before we had kids now so irritating! Do they all have a sleep in the day together that you can catch up on any sleep then. You have my every sympathy.

fuckingroundabout · 21/08/2017 08:50

my ex fell asleep with our then 2 day old on him in our bed. Dont know wjat made me wale up but I woke to him on top of our baby and the baby blue. the scene still haunts me and plays over in my head so often. thankfully baby was fine but if I hadnt of woken he would bave died.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 21/08/2017 10:31

fuckingroundabout that's awful! How terrifying, thank God you woke up.

holeinmyheart · 21/08/2017 10:38

My young son rang me up very upset. The whole of the A&E department had just tried to rescucitate a small baby that had been rolled on by its sleeping parent. They couldn't save it.

My dear son ( then a junior Doctor) was in tears to me. As a doctor he has had to see quite a lot of deaths but this was one of the saddest and so unnecessary. Please show him this and stop him doing it.

CryingMessFFS · 21/08/2017 10:42

I know someone who killed their baby doing this. It's a massive risk to doze off holding a baby.

I was terrified of doing this, my first was a shit sleeper. I was so tired. I used to slash water on my face and wore an elastic band round my wrist and snap it hard when I felt I was at risk of falling asleep holding him. There is no excuse OP. If DH had done this I'd honestly have gone batshit.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2017 10:45

Its easily done, when you are extremely tired then you do. I have done this many times. He does need to put them in their cit if he's starting to feel sleepy. They are 5 months, and bigger so can probably move more. Everyone's different, you are different to him. If he's working a job as well he might be more tired

ScrunchyBook · 21/08/2017 10:52

I think he needs to use bouncer chairs as pp have suggested so he's not holding a baby.
We always got both twins up to feed at the same time when one woke.
You can bottle feed two at the same time - sit on the floor between the bouncers.

Madamepom · 21/08/2017 10:57

I must admit to falling asleep when feeding one of our twins a couple of times, there was no warning and I'd wake up in a huge panic.

What worked for us was using a co sleeper so it was much quicker to settle them and they were always fed at the same time.

zippey · 21/08/2017 11:00

Sleeping with your children is fine, many parents do this.

As long as he isn't drunk or on drugs, then it should be safe.

Here is some further info:
www.babycentre.co.uk/a558334/co-sleeping-and-safety

Raisinsaretoddlercrack · 21/08/2017 11:13

I used to do something to keep my mind active whilst doing night feeds. Mumsnet or scrabble on my phone worked well for me, would he try something like that?

Obviously he needs to agree it's a problem, PPs have suggested filming him if he's in denial that it's happening and also reiterating the dangers of unplanned cosleeping.

Good luck OP. The early days are the hardest, it does pass and things do get easier.

LaurieMarlow · 21/08/2017 11:15

Some people just can't control sleeping urges in the way others can. My father is borderline narcoleptic. He falls asleep in company and just can't control it.

So it may not be his fault OP. I know that's utterly rubbish for you, I can't imagine how tiring twins would be.

ElizabethShaw · 21/08/2017 11:25

I would either do shifts - so he stays up to do the last feed at 11pm, you go to bed at 8pm, then you get to sleep til next feed at 3am, he takes over in the morning. Aim to get an uninterrupted block of 7 hours on Friday/Saturday nights at least.

Or, you do nights, but he takes over at say 6am on weekends and you sleep all morning.

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