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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIrthday cake and MIL

71 replies

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 17:28

This is m first AIBU post which just happens to be about my MIL.

Tomorrow it is my LB 3rd birthday, so yesterday me and DH are doing the weekly shop and pick up a birthday cake. We get home and the MIL rings up to say that they have got one as they came round today with it and opened up his presents, due to him being at nursery all day tomorrow, thought we would do pressies today so that he can at least play with some of them (got loads from her even though I tell her every birthday and christmas not to get loads for him , she says that she forgets that she has all these bits, which i doubt)

She didn't even ask if we had a cake, just rings up and says that she got one.

AIBU to think that she should have rang us first to see if we had one or not before taking upon herself to get one??
We have already said that next year as we will be doing a party for him, that we will be getting a cake made

I am prepared for bashing on this with posters thinking that I should be thankful at the end of the day and it is just a cake

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/08/2017 17:30

She's wrong - she's taking over your role and that's not right. If she wanted to be kind she could say, "Choose a cake and I'll pay for it" but to say she's bought it without any input from you is wrong.

Mrscropley · 20/08/2017 17:30

I would have cut her cake today and kept yours for his proper day. .
But Yanbu to nip this in the bud if she regularly trys to get in first with your dc special events. .

Laiste · 20/08/2017 17:30

I think you'll get lots of YABUs but i think actually you are not being unreasonable to enjoy being the one to buy your kids cakes. Yes she should have asked IMO.

Polter · 20/08/2017 17:31

You can never have too much cake.

Laiste · 20/08/2017 17:32

Yes, buy his main one yourself. All the cake will get eaten eventually after all.

Donttouchthethings · 20/08/2017 17:34

Yes, she should really have asked if you'd like her to get one (that's what I would do).

However, you know what's better than having a cake? TWO CAKES!!

happypoobum · 20/08/2017 17:39

Oh dear, I am known as Aunty Cake by my DNs.

I rarely see them/anyone without whipping out a cake, although I wouldn't take one on a child's actual birthday without checking with parents. Two days before is fair game though surely?

OP do you only eat cake on actual birthdays? Not being funny, I know some Mumsnetters don't eat much cake as much as I do

I don't think this is a big deal at all unless there is a huge backstory.....

MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 17:40

Don't listen to posters who will encourage you to make a big deal of this. It's a cake. Granny bought a cake for her grandson. It shouldn't be a big deal, really. Just think how you'd feel if it was your own mother.

peekyboo · 20/08/2017 17:43

Someone I know once ended up with 5 cakes because each set of grandparents had bought 2!!! And she didn't find out until after she'd bought the proper birthday cake.

Everybody had cake forced on them for days.

Optimist1 · 20/08/2017 18:05

I'm with Polter on this one - better to have one cake too many than too few! Cake Cake

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 18:20

@ImperialBlether thats nothing last year, she asked us what we were doing and she said that she was thinking about making a cake. We said that we were not sure yet as it was with a couple of months before hand. A few days before his birthday, she rings up and tells us that she has made a big chocolate cake with toy cars on. We were eating the cake for the best part of a week

@Mrscropley I would have done that, but she brought the exact same one

@happypoobum We dont eat cake just on birthdays, just the big ones that you can get. Other times we might treat our self or get one if having people round for say a bbq. Not so much of a back story, its just lots of little things that she does bug me and I cant change that due to that being who she is

@MrsDustyBusty. My mum will ask us first before doing something like. I.e with his birthday pressie, she asked us first if she could buy him his first bike rather than just buying it

@peekyboo That is a lot of cake to eat!

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 18:21

I'd say there's a small difference between a cake and a bike.

GodIsDead · 20/08/2017 18:38

I would be irritated too OP. My MIL does this with everything and it pisses me off. I don't think it's worth bringing up to her because it could cause too much drama but I totally feel your pain.

Mysteriouscurle · 20/08/2017 18:44

I get it Op. My MIL bought a cake for DH significant birthday without checking with me (we had been married for over 2 decades). She just phoned up and said she had bought one and seemed surprised that I had bought one too. I felt a bit miffed, but to add insult to injury her cake was way way better than mineBlushGrin

TailEndCharlie · 20/08/2017 18:48

YANBU. This kind of crap irritates the f out of me.... it is never my parents just my MIL. It is like she sees my kids as the chance of doing or redoing all the stuff that she didn't get to do with her only son / stuff that didn't go how she wanted / he wasn't a girl..... drives me up the wall. But it is cake. Smile, accept it, say we will cut it on his birthday (after the actual cake is done)... or if she insists cut it then but in the kitchen with no ceremony. The cake you provide for your kid (if that's what you decide) is the one with the candles / the video of blowing out etc that happens on the actual date. Treat hers as a stunt cake / extra for more guests / say you'll freeze it so that it can be enjoyed in coming weeks. It will help you to smile and accept it. But no it isn't THE cake. Your kid will know that.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 18:54

I just read this out to my DH. I'm tempted to do a TAAT re dysfunctional society.

Two cakes. Have two cakes harmed your child in any way? Will he hate you for allowing two cakes? Will he love his GM more than you for also buying him a cake? Will he remember the two cake saga when he's 20 or even 10, actually next week?

It's actually a world wide societal norm to offer food when both a guest or host. Eg. I go to a friends house for coffee and a chinwag I take cake, she will already have cake but nonetheless I take cake.

#twocakesfirstworldproblem

Mysteriouscurle · 20/08/2017 19:04

Its not about cake though. Its about her letting OP know her place

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 19:07

MrsDustyBusty But surely it comes down the principle of it. Ask before you buy something no matter what it is or what size it is

@GodIsDead @Mysteriouscurle Glad you both have the same where it irritates you as well. Mysrerious bet that must have sucked for you even more with hers tasting better than yours

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 19:11

Really? You're going to have one hard life if you make everyone you know afraid to bring as much as a cake to your house without a backlash. You can avoid setting up that dynamic if you choose to not spend your life reading insults into simple gestures.

EsmeeMerlin · 20/08/2017 19:14

It would not bother me because I think a 3 year old is not really going to care or think about the fact he has had two cakes. My son had 3 last year. One we did at home on his actual birthday, another at his birthday gathering which my mum bought and when we went to see some family a couple of days after his birthday, my aunt had kindly made him one. I think there are worse issues you can have with a mil than her buying her grandson a cake.

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 19:17

@TailEndCharlie Thank you for that. It is the same for me. My parents always ask, PIL just either mention that they are thinking about doing something i.e making a cake a couple of months before hand and then a couple of days before birthday saying that they have made one, or phoning up to say that they have brought one without asking if we would like them to buy one.

When DH was only a few months old, his dad left her so she had to bring up him and his brother alone, so sometimes I do feel that the stuff that she dose is to make up for the fact that she was not able to do loads/buy them loads for birthday/christmas. I think that has something to do with it as well

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 20/08/2017 19:31

Can you or your DH cut the spare cake into slices and take it into work?

Or would he be allowed to take the extra cake into nursery to share with the children there ?

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 19:37

@MrsDustyBusty normal everyday cake fine, birthday cake not fine unless asked before hand.

you have your opinion and I have mine

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 20/08/2017 19:41

I couldn't get worked up about this personally. My DS often had 2 cakes - one from me for his party with friends, and one from DM for our family birthday tea on a separate day. I would be more annoyed if she wasn't interested in him

Raver84 · 20/08/2017 19:44

Op I would also find this annoying because my mil has no boundaries and insists on taking over at any opportunity, even in my own home. This is the sort of annoying stunt she would pull. Same with the 'don't buy loads' requests she ignores everything I say from the big issues to the small ones and to be honest now we have a dire relationship as a result.

Thank her for the cake but tell her firmly that you won't need it as you have one and for her to enjoy it at home with her husband as you have plenty. Job done.

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