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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIrthday cake and MIL

71 replies

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 17:28

This is m first AIBU post which just happens to be about my MIL.

Tomorrow it is my LB 3rd birthday, so yesterday me and DH are doing the weekly shop and pick up a birthday cake. We get home and the MIL rings up to say that they have got one as they came round today with it and opened up his presents, due to him being at nursery all day tomorrow, thought we would do pressies today so that he can at least play with some of them (got loads from her even though I tell her every birthday and christmas not to get loads for him , she says that she forgets that she has all these bits, which i doubt)

She didn't even ask if we had a cake, just rings up and says that she got one.

AIBU to think that she should have rang us first to see if we had one or not before taking upon herself to get one??
We have already said that next year as we will be doing a party for him, that we will be getting a cake made

I am prepared for bashing on this with posters thinking that I should be thankful at the end of the day and it is just a cake

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/08/2017 19:46

Have two cakes harmed your child in any way? Will he hate you for allowing two cakes? Will he love his GM more than you for also buying him a cake? Will he remember the two cake saga when he's 20 or even 10, actually next week

What about the damage done to MIL/DIL relationship - that's the issue the cake is a red herring

I agree - stick it in the kitchen and just cut it up - no candles - singing etc just dish it out with the tea.

Then say 'sorry it's just a cake!'

liquidrevolution · 20/08/2017 19:47

I beat you. My MIL did a second wedding cake. HmmAngry

MarciaBlaine · 20/08/2017 19:48

It IS just a cake. Stick it in the kitchen and say nothing. In 5 minutes they'll be teenagers and no-one gives a shit any more. Honestly, you need to pick your battles.

Kforkatie · 20/08/2017 19:49

I had this with my MIL. I found it really annoying, but I know that she was just being kind. I spend a long time making cakes for my kids, and she would always make one too, and want to put candles on it, and sing again. I felt that by having two cakes it was somehow undermining my effort. (Maybe unreasonable to feel that way, but I did) I chatted it through with my husband, and he spoke to her about it, and she was fine about it. She even said that she would have felt the same way if her own MIL had made cakes for her kids!!

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 19:54

@KurriKurri DP said about taking it to nursery, said I would need to ask them first and even if they said yes, there are more children then there would be servings in the pre-school room so there would be some children that would be left out which is not fair.

We will be taking it to my mums on Tuesday, the day after his birthday so that she can have some and he can blow candles out on that one as we have enough servings of the open one to last us for tomorrow

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 20/08/2017 19:57

If she rang and said a couple of months ago the mentioned it again last week, why on earth did you go and buy one

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2017 20:01

There's nothing wrong with 2 cakes, but candles and singing would always be done with the cake the actual parents bought, in my world anyway.

ALittleMop · 20/08/2017 20:11

Pff - it's just a cake. Take it to nursery and give it to staff, or take it to playgroup, or just eat more.

YABU unless she has also taken him for his first haircut without your permission, signed up up for a school of her choosing and told him the truth about Santa.

If you'd slaved for hours to make one, or if you had scrimped and saved and lived on toast in order to afford it, I'd have understood your irritation more easily.

CrystalMethHog · 20/08/2017 20:20

My MIL did this despite being told 4 times not to. Went straight in the cupboard when she arrived and was firmly told 'no!'

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 20:27

@ilovegin112 sorry that was last year think I said that in another comment above. At least she said a couple of days before that she had made it so we didnt buy another one

@Raver84 hubby thanked her as she rang his mobile to arrange the time for coming round today.

@liquidrevolution ok you win. A second wedding cake really takes the piss

@Kforkatie Did she still make cakes after he talked to her?? I would get hubby to talk to her, but I know that it would still happen due to past behaviour which is another thread all together

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 20/08/2017 20:29

Just tell her next year your sorting the cake and take hers into nursery

NancyJoan · 20/08/2017 20:39

YANBU, OP. I know I would been the same. When my DC were little, my mum used to do things that made me feel like she was trying to undermine me, to position herself as at least as important in their lives as I was. I had PND, which made things worse, but it did REALLY get on my nerves.

She still does it a bit, not necc with stuff with the kids, but house stuff. Like, buys me something that she thinks I just have to have, when I've got no room in the cupboards as it is. And I know I should be grateful, and sound mad for complaining, but if I wanted more stuff, I would buy it!

Kforkatie · 20/08/2017 20:42

buffy she stopped calling them birthday cakes, and stopped putting candles on them. She still makes a cake for whichever child has a birthday, but it's a day or two after the actual birthday so I can live with it! she also makes up Christmas stockings to give them on Christmas Day after they have opened their first stocking Hmm

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 20/08/2017 20:48

Cake freezes! Cut it up and defrost it in panic situation!

But I get what you mean. It's a significant thing. Just leave it in the kitchen or cupboard. I would feel the same but it would be frozen later if it was a decent cake.

Original poster
Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 20:49

@Allthewaves Have said to that next year we will be throwing him him his first party and that we shall be having a cake made.

OP posts:
Bizzysocks · 20/08/2017 21:12

oh give over it was cake to eat while she was there. You can still have yours on his birthday.

So next year he has a cake with his party bought by you. If his birthday is not on the party day he will still need two cakes.

I can't get over how tight some of you are with cake. If you have too much share it with neighbours/ nursery / other relatives/ work/ offer MIL to take some home. It really isn't worth getting wound up about.

My kids get a cake on their birthday (shared with friends who come after school , then another slice after dinner with dh), a cake for their party, and when we see the inlaws usually the weekend before or after the party, the inlaws buy another cake, great saves me a tenner.

GreenTulips · 20/08/2017 21:13

And they wonder why kids are so spoilt these days

Mumof56 · 20/08/2017 21:17

How dare she or anyone celebrate your child's birthday. No contact is the only way.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 21:17

What about the damage done to MIL/DIL relationship

Because of course, MIL buying her sons child a cake is so utterly awful BUT again I forget, men and their families are so superfluous In Mumsnetland.

jesusfuckingwept

MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 21:19

you have your opinion and I have mine

You did post this in AIBU which does invite other opinions. I am not offering you an alternative point of view after hacking your private email account.

holeinmyheart · 20/08/2017 21:22

You have to imagine if it was your best friend who said she had bought a cake for your son. What would you do? Would you forgive her and continue with the friendship or go in with all barrels blazing and risk your friendship?
This woman loves your husband and grandson as much as you love them. Yes, she is misguided but is not trying to harm him. So go easy with her.
Tell her that you appreciate what she has done but would she mind just asking you in the futures and explain why you want her to do this. . Your son is a child for such a short time and surely she doesn't want to spoil the milestones in his life, for you. I am sure she will agree.
She needs to imagine if it was her MIL doing the same to her. Would she have welcomed such behaviour?
As a MIL, I went totally overboard with my own first grandchild. I just fell madly in love and it was so exciting. I bought stuff, left right and centre. I thought I was helping and I was so enjoying buying presents.

My DD had to tell me to stop, and she explained why , in a non aggressive way. Now I have lots of grandchildren the excitement has worn off. Please give the woman a break. Yes, she needs to ask but you maybe you need to be a little more relaxed, especially if you think in the future, you might need her help with babysitting, childcare etc. The more people in his life who love your son...the better?

Dina1234 · 20/08/2017 21:23

I don't think it's a problem-you've got two cakes now and he's too young to care so why should you? (Admittedly I've never done a cake for either of my children myself so I guess that I wouldn't really understand).

BettyOBarley · 20/08/2017 21:26

This wouldn't bother me tbh and I think most 3 year olds would be thrilled with 2 birthday cakes! (unless it was like a pp and she insisted on singing / candles again with the second cake, that's pushing it a bit)

BachingMad · 20/08/2017 21:34

What a depressing thread!

Your MIL loves her grandchild and is excited and wants to do a bit of spoiling. Can't you be a bit more gracious/tactful about it? You sound very insecure. Surely it is a good thing that your DC have more people to love them. Please don't be so mean spirited - life is too short and there are much bigger problems in the world.

Siwdmae · 20/08/2017 21:35

Thing is, did your mil's mil do this? I bet she bloody didn't. This is no different from the mil who booked a Santa visit or bought the buggy someone mentioned they were going to buy or changes the grandchild into her clothes the second mum leaves. You've previously asked her to not do it, she's still doing it, as though what she wants is more important and what you want doesn't matter.

Yes, yes, it's just extra cake, but you want to make/buy the cake and have told her so. Why is she still trying to control you by undermining you?