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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIrthday cake and MIL

71 replies

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 17:28

This is m first AIBU post which just happens to be about my MIL.

Tomorrow it is my LB 3rd birthday, so yesterday me and DH are doing the weekly shop and pick up a birthday cake. We get home and the MIL rings up to say that they have got one as they came round today with it and opened up his presents, due to him being at nursery all day tomorrow, thought we would do pressies today so that he can at least play with some of them (got loads from her even though I tell her every birthday and christmas not to get loads for him , she says that she forgets that she has all these bits, which i doubt)

She didn't even ask if we had a cake, just rings up and says that she got one.

AIBU to think that she should have rang us first to see if we had one or not before taking upon herself to get one??
We have already said that next year as we will be doing a party for him, that we will be getting a cake made

I am prepared for bashing on this with posters thinking that I should be thankful at the end of the day and it is just a cake

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 21:40

You've previously asked her to not do it, she's still doing it, as though what she wants is more important and what you want doesn't matter.

Nope - look at the OP - She didn't even ask if we had a cake, just rings up and says that she got one - the MIL had the disgusting temerity to buy her sons child something nice.

It's not even as if the OP had bothered to make a cake and feels undermined. Two off the shelf Asda specials are just not important.

Elcad · 20/08/2017 21:41

I would be annoyed too. I am quite insecure and often feel that my MIL and DM are bossy and competitive regarding my DD (first grandchild on both sides). I would love to react as other posters have said, in a cool and nice way, I would love not to mind and not to see another proof of disrespect in things such as gmother buying a cake when mother has said she's doing it. It is certainly not a big problem to have two cakes, the problem is that the mother's wishes regarding her child are not respected.

MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 21:49

I think the question is, why do tiny details like a cake become so grossly magnified in your mind? Is there no detail too small in your child's life that doesn't warrant such possessiveness? Life is much easier if you can leave things of this magnitude go, take it at face value and eat some cake.

In reality, if you make an issue of these things, will it be satisfying when she's passed on?

Aria2015 · 20/08/2017 21:54

YANBU - agree she's taking over your role. My in-laws can be like this, they don't realise that they're stepping on my toes and it's not worth falling out over so I just tell them of my plans way ahead so there is no overlap. This year I told them I was making a bday cake a good week in advance lol!

Original poster

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 21:56

@Siwdmae I dont think her MIL did when she was married to DH waste of space of a dad (again, whole other thread), she helped her where she could, but she is not the sort of person who would over step and knows where her bounders are

OP posts:

NotPennysBoat815 · 20/08/2017 21:59

Get a grip. I'm sure if it was your mother you wouldn't see anything sinister in it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/08/2017 22:00

My MIL did this recently, for a significant birthday for DH . I was pissed off because she told me a week before his birthday that she'd ordered a cake to be made (in the shape of his hobby he was 50 not 5ffs and I had planned to make him a frigging cake. A normal round one

The thing that's annoying is the lack of discussion, if my MIL had told me a month before then I wouldn't have minded so much, so I do sympathise OP.

Original poster

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 22:02

@StillDrivingMeBonkers its not the point that its 2 cakes brought of the shelf.

@holeinmyheart I would like to think that my friend would ask me first as what if he had a potential allergy to something that she didnt know about or knew that he was having allergy testing for something

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 20/08/2017 22:03

We will be taking it to my mums on Tuesday, the day after his birthday so that she can have some and he can blow candles out on that one

So it's ok for your mam to get to see her grandchild blow out candles on a day that isn't actually the child's bday? On a cake your mil made?

MrsDustyBusty · 20/08/2017 22:03

She bought her own son - not your son, her son - a cake?

Can mothers of married sons safely buy any cake, I wonder? Should they just avoid the baked goods aisles altogether?

Original poster

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 22:05

@NotPennysBoat815 I have said in a previous post that my mum would ask me first before doing/buying anything

OP posts:

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/08/2017 22:09

No MrsDusty, mothers of married sons can buy cake- as long as they do the polite thing and let the person who usually organises the cake, know what they're doing.
Unlike some people we don't eat huge amounts of cake and I really don't like wasting food. Having 2 cakes for one person's birthday is daft, so a tiny bit of planning is needed.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/08/2017 22:10

YA both BU.

Shop bought cake is not anything like as nice as home made

Coldkebab · 20/08/2017 22:18

Send one yo nursery with him to share for tomo and they can sing to him xx

GreenTulips · 20/08/2017 22:25

Well if MIL want a good relationship with their grandchildren they'd be wise not to piss off the child's parents.

Lacking communication causes all sorts of issues

Where else would this be acceptable?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 22:30

I have said in a previous post that my mum would ask me first before doing/buying anything

Hmm perhaps your MILs relationship dynamic with HER son doesn't require ringing up and gaining permission to purchase her grandchild a birthday cake.

Could you reply to the person up the thread who wants to know if you would behave this badly with your friend if they had the disgusting audacity to bring a cake a gift or are you just trying to drive a wedge between your DH and his mother?

Original poster

Buffy81 · 20/08/2017 22:34

*@Mumof56 * We did candles and sang happy birthday today. the spare cake will go to my mums so that she can do if she so wishes to. The only reason we are not doing on he actual birthday is because he wont get to enjoy due to being at nursery and both me and DP working all day. My MIL didnt make it she brought it.

@IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday I dont like having lots either, feels like its a waste and you end up eating just for the sake it and we dont have much space in the freezer either to put in there, but it dose have a decent use by date on it though

@Coldkebab There wont be enough to go round all the kids at his nursery, amount of servings on the cake is 18 and there are about 30 in his pre-school room so I would not want kids to be missed out and plus I would also need to check with his nursery if that is something that they would allow me to do before just taking it in

OP posts:

follybodger · 20/08/2017 22:42

Freeze some of the cake

GreenTulips · 20/08/2017 22:42

I would have friends who would be that dense to assume the childs mother was incapable for purchasing a birthday cake - MIL is the instigator not OP

Mumof56 · 20/08/2017 22:47

the spare cake will go to my mums so that she can do if she so wishes to

If she wishes to?? Will she not have to apply for and be granted permission?

Heartofglass12345 · 20/08/2017 23:08

I would be annoyed too. She's had her time with her kids to do all their birthdays, this is yours and your partners time to do it all! My MIL brought a half eaten birthday cake over when they came over for my husbands birthday 😂

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