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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Burst into tears because I made DC miss their train?

89 replies

Stupidstupidmistake · 20/08/2017 13:43

I feel awful.

DC works in London, it's a good job and did really well to get it. I drop off and pick up from station usually.

Today there were engineering works, so our nearest station was closed. I looked up the times for the next station on the line (which is open) and hustled DC out the door to get there.

When we arrived it had left 5 mins previously.

I couldn't stop crying for about 10 mins. Feel I have left DC down.

The next train was not for 30 mins. It gets into London 20 mins before their shift starts but it's a 10-15 min walk from the station and they have to change into uniform when they arrive...so it will be very tight.

I get really worried about timekeeping because I work somewhere where anyone who is even a minute late has it noted against their record, and if you're late 3 times (whether half hour each time or 1 minute) you get an informal warning. DC works for a different colour, and assures me they won't be in trouble if they are late, but I don't want them to get a warning for something that was entirely my fault, or to lose their (really good) job because of me.

Hence why I was so upset...but aibu to react like this?

OP posts:
diddl · 20/08/2017 14:38

It reads to me as if you checked times with not enough time to get to the other station if necessary.

Perhaps that is why you feel bad?

But I agree that you really have overreacted.

What would your child have done if you hadn't checked?

Been taken to the local station, then the appropriate one & been even later?

Willow2017 · 20/08/2017 14:40

Shit happens.

Sometimes we can brush it off but sometimes it's just the straw. Do it myself something totally stupid will set me off on a good old blue
It's good to get it out sometimes

But if this is your normal reaction then I do think you need a bit of support. Stay by letting your Adult DC do more for themselves. How on earth do they manage a job if you do everything at home for them?

Be kinder to yourself you are not responsible for everything

Train was cancelled boss, sorry will make up time today is all that's needed.

Butterymuffin · 20/08/2017 14:42

It's your child's job, and it's their responsibility to sort timings out. You can't do this for them their whole life, and you're not doing them a favour. Let them learn how to organise themselves. I also really think you need a new job with a more realistic and reasonable employer.

Craiconwithit · 20/08/2017 15:03

How awful for you. You can't control the times of the trains or station closures or leaves on the line. Things happen, trains get delayed, people are late for work. It's annoying but probably not something to cry over though.
If you really don't want your children to be affected by your anxiety issues, you do need to try to resolve them.
I agree that telling you to 'pull yourself together' isn't a solution but have you tried hypnotherapy or CBT? It worked really well for a good friend of mine who suffered from crippling anxiety issues. You do need to find the right therapist for you, just like finding a supportive GP so don't give up if you don't gel with the first one you try.
I sincerely hope you can overcome your irrational fears. My friend is like another (much happier) person since she sought treatment.

trinity0097 · 20/08/2017 15:09

So even with this later train they will still get to wrk on time, although it will be a quick walk off the train not a leisurely stroll.

Not the end of the world and it doesn't take long to change clothes if you need to do it quickly!

Original poster
Stupidstupidmistake · 20/08/2017 17:05

I didn't allow insufficient time, I check3d fl4 the station we were going to, but I just misread, or misremembrred, the departure time. I thought it was 10 past, it was 03 past. We arrived at 04, in good time for when I thought the train was. I just got it wrong.

DC ran from train to work and made it to the floor with seconds to spare but thankfully was (just) on time. I feel very relieved.

OP posts:
AngeloftheSouth84 · 20/08/2017 17:10

I do get very anxious about timekeeping, I think due to my employers attitude.

Perhaps your employer has the attitude because their staff are no good at timekeeping. Because of not checking train times etc

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 20/08/2017 17:23

Its not ideal having your Mum bawling about nothing, just before you go to work. It would make me feel horrible for the rest of the day. We all overreact from time to time but if this level of anxiety is normal for you, you need to address it. Get back down to the doctors!

caffeinestream · 20/08/2017 17:24

OP in the nicest possible way, your son is 18 and perfectly capable of getting himself to work on time. If he's late because of roadworks or engineering problems or a late train, then he can explain to his boss and make up the hours or accept the consequences.

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. I have anxiety and when it gets out of control it can be really awful. I know I've cried over the most ridiculous things at times.

stormytherabbit · 20/08/2017 17:27

Are you always so manipulative to your dc?

MadMags · 20/08/2017 17:28

You need to address this because it's unfair of them to have to placate you because of your ridiculous overreaction to things!

Lavabravacava · 20/08/2017 17:33

Is it a DD or DS? Mind you, you shouldn't be doing this much for an 18 year old either way.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 20/08/2017 17:46

If your child is old enough to have a job, they are old enough to figure out how to get there. Why are you researching train tunes and "hustling them out of the door"

This is exactly what I was thinking, too. Sorry OP, I get where you're coming from as I suffer from anxiety too and it's crap.
Your situation sounds like a school run situation though, just without the nagging to put on shoes and find their book bag! (Unless you nag them about their lunch or briefcase.... Grin
In the nicest possible way, they're 18. It's nice that you give them a lift, but at the end of the day it's their responsibility to get there really and could be looking up train times etc themselves.

Original poster
Stupidstupidmistake · 20/08/2017 17:56

Normally they take themselves to station (I only do so at weekends as I'm at work myself in the week, occasionally I can give them a lift on my way to work) but today because of engineering works, and as they were working till after 11pm last night and shattered, I was happy to both do lift and check train times.

I'm upset, or I was at the time, and cross with myself for making a mistake. In no way was I trying to manipulate my child though.

I don't check the train times every day or give a lift every day. I help when I can just as my mum did for me when I was this age.

OP posts:
MadMags · 20/08/2017 17:57

Yes but did she have a big emotional crying scene if you missed your train, OP? Did she force you to reassure you??

MadMags · 20/08/2017 17:57

*reasure her

alwaysontimeneverlate · 20/08/2017 18:03

Op your dc is an adult,so let them take responsibility for their own time keeping and travel arrangements.

Yabu crying over a missed train when another isn't far behind.

Original poster
Stupidstupidmistake · 20/08/2017 18:07

My mum never made this kind of mistake so the situation didn't arise.

And i didn't force my DC to reassure me. I apologised for my mistake. They accepted my apology, however that doesn't stop me feeling bad.

Had the next train been 15-20 mins behind and i known DC therefore still had enough time to get to work i wouldn't have been quite so upset.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 20/08/2017 18:08

Has the OP said anywhere that she made a big emotional crying scene and that her child was forced to reassure her? I can´t see it anywhere. Where you getting this from?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/08/2017 18:18

Seriously?

If someone cries because they've made their adult son/daughter late for work, do people really think that being rude, sarcastic & plain nasty is going to help? Being honest is one thing, being nasty is just not necessary. It's getting horrible around here.

StupidStupidMistake. It's perfectly normal to help out your family by giving them lifts when you can. It's also normal to feel bad if you're doing someone a favour and you screw it up a bit. Occasionally we all have emotional outbursts that aren't really warranted by the event. If it's a one off, I wouldn't worry, but if it happens frequently you really need to try to see a different GP, try a different surgery maybe? Or a private counsellor.

Your employers sound bloody awful. I couldn't work for people like that - is there any chance you could get another job? It's not doing your mental health any good being that worried about being late.

MadMags · 20/08/2017 18:20

It's just the way op said her dc kept telling her it was ok.

Could have just been the way I read It, though!

RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 18:20

I can't abide lateness so always get to places at least 15 minutes early. You were cutting it fine for the time you thought it was.

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2017 18:22

Absolutely nothing wrong with doing your children a favour. Only on Mumsnet do people begrudge giving lifts, or think that once you hit 18 you're no longer a member of the family.

But you really need to look at why you got so upset, OP.

user1499333856 · 20/08/2017 18:28

Please stop projecting your anxiety regarding timekeeping on to your child. How is it helpful to burst in to tears just as they are about to go off to their day's work?

It's probably best you step back and let them organize their own arrangements. It would be good for both of you.

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2017 18:30

I'm sorry but I'd agree with the others, crying for ten mins is an extreme over reaction and must have been very unsettling for your child to have to witness. Were you sitting in the car crying with them there?

I think I'd speak to my gp again if I was you, or one of the three gps, maybe you need a little help with anxiety?