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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you work out holiday cost if you earn less than your partner ?

83 replies

Sunshine250 · 20/08/2017 09:22

We are looking at booking a holiday abroad in October. My budget for a week away is really £800 max which I think is doable. My partner wants to go on a trip which is going to nearly double that each If we do this, it means I'll be paying him back for quite a while afterwards which I could do, but I think it's more sensible just to book the less expensive option How do you work holidays if your partner earns a lot more ?

OP posts:
CreamCheeseBrownies · 20/08/2017 10:23

I think the loving, respectful choices on his part are either you spend up to £800 each or he pays for any extra above that. It's what any decent person would do for a friend, let alone their partner.

Grace789 · 20/08/2017 10:24

I find this very strange. Why would he not pay your difference? He makes you pay him back? Like a loan from a bank??!!!

lubeybooby · 20/08/2017 10:25

we pay stuff proportionally according to our incomes. He is the higher earner, he pays a greater share

mydogisthebest · 20/08/2017 10:26

I don't understand couples who live together, whether married or not, yet have totally separate finances.

Me and my DH never lived together and got married 6 months after meeting. We opened a joint bank account as soon as we got married and both closed our existing single accounts.

We have always shared ALL money. When we met I earned much more than he did. Over the years we have each, at different times, been the bigger earner.

My DH came into a pretty large inheritance a couple of years ago. The money went into our account and we discussed what WE would do with it. Some friends of ours insisted it was his money and he should decide what to spend it on. DH insisted that all money that either of us get is our money.

I now don't work because of ill health and get no benefits so not bringing a penny in. Good job DH doesn't decide that means I can't buy anything doesn't it?

limon · 20/08/2017 10:26

£800 per person max is a really good holiday. Choose one you can afford not one you can 't it isnt going to be a hardship.

rider1975 · 20/08/2017 10:27

Agree with Softly completely - I think it works better when money is pooled and expenditure planned together

Peachyking000 · 20/08/2017 10:27

I earn a lot more than DH so I pay for our holidays, and he contributes what he can towards our joint spending money

CreamCheeseBrownies · 20/08/2017 10:27

To answer your actual OP, I earn less than DH and I tend to pay for the holidays... because he covers most of the other bills. We don't have joint finances but we both try to be generous to the other - it's a bit like Mrs Doyle and her friend in the teashop. Works for us, but only because neither of us takes advantage. I don't think it would work with your DP somehow!

annandale · 20/08/2017 10:32

Proportionate payments are all very well but still need negotiation on the budget. If the proportion were 1/4 versus 3/4, but the holiday cost €4000, the cost would still be more than the OP could afford.

swingofthings · 20/08/2017 10:32

If you are living together, in a committed relationship but have separate finances, then you should both put an amount that means you are left with the same disposable income at the end.

If you are not living together, more like boyfriend/girlfriend, then it should be 50/50, but you set the limit. You just say you can't afford anything more.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/08/2017 10:35

Thing is, there's nothing wrong as such with having completely separate finances and just spliting everything 50/50 if you don't have DCs - but then the budgets are always based on the lowest earner's.

He can't have it all his own way - he doesn't want to share finances, he doesn't want to have to subsidise you, then he has to accept that your 50% has to be affordable for you, so he doesn't get to live the lifestyle as if he was sharing 50/50 with someone who earned the same/more than him.

You can afford £800. If he wants to spend more than that he needs to go with someone else or pay the difference for you.

llangennith · 20/08/2017 10:39

Partnerships involve sharing whether or not you're married. You DP sounds very mean. Either he pays towards your holiday or you go somewhere cheaper. Sounds more like you're his tenant than his partner.
He may always earn more than you and want expensive holidays, does that mean a lifetime of repaying him?

fuckoffdailysnail · 20/08/2017 10:40

We live together and have children. Everything gets paid into my account at DHs insistence as he is ridiculous with money. DH earns much more than I do but everything comes out of my account where both our wages are paid into. I can't understand this business of paying eachother back Hmm me and my friends don't even pay eachother back never mind partners.

Motoko · 20/08/2017 11:20

Not much of a partner, is he?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 11:34

These threads are always ifs and buts

There are those that say
(a) joint account, pool the money, all the way
(b) proportional percentage according to earning power
(c) straight 50-50

(b) seems to be the vocal favourite on MN - which still has connotations of the lower earner being subsidised by the higher earner - but that's not the issue we are discussing.

Up the tread its implied 50-50 spending power by virtue of 'the lower earner sets the budget' - sorry but if I were the higher earner and it mean I was forever stuck in a cycle of low end Canary/Greek Islands and I could never do a holiday of a life time I wouldn't be very happy about that. Nor would I be very happy at being told I was mean/tight if I chose to go on that holiday alone.

If you are cohabiting with some, sharing bodily fluids and fridge space, washing his pants etc then finances should be equally shared. Or you actually have no substance to your relationship (IMHO).

CarolinePenvenen · 20/08/2017 12:18

I can’t get my head round living with someone as a partner and having different levels of affordability. That’s not a relationship, that’s flatmates.

Temporary2002 · 20/08/2017 12:23

"That’s not a relationship, that’s flatmates."
I agree.

FinallyHere · 20/08/2017 12:25

What advice would you give a friend, or a daughter, whose 'partner' was expecting to be 'paid back' in this way?

thegreylady · 20/08/2017 12:28

He's not your partner in any real sense. If he was you'd sit down and choose a holiday you could both afford. He sounds like what some might call 'a friend with benefits' most of the benefits being his.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 20/08/2017 12:37

You have been with him for 2.5 years and you live together but you have completely separate finances Hmm. This isn't a relationship. It's two flat mates who have sex.

Ronnyhotdog · 20/08/2017 12:37

I can't get my head round this, from the moment now dh and I moved in together money was pooled. He has always earned a lot more than me, if I needed anything he would not begrudge me having it and holidays were the same. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone that was strong enough to live together and finances be so split that I owed them money. It's bizarre.

BonnieF · 20/08/2017 12:39

DP earns more than me, but not by a vast amount.

We split everything 50/50, at my insistence. As a professional person I absolutely will not be financially dependent on anyone else, ever. Equality means equality, and it works both ways.

If DP wanted to go on a holiday which I couldn't afford (which is unlikely), I would veto it. If he had a problem with that, he could go on his own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2017 12:45

OP, your partner wants you to agree to a holiday that you personally cannot afford. And he expects you to take on debt, just so he can have the holiday that you, his partner, cannot afford.

He's not a very good partner then, is he?

You can afford £800. If he absolutely MUST have a holiday that costs double what you can afford, then he'll have to find someone else to accompany him. It really is that simple.

For the longer term - you need to sit down together and discuss money. And the future in general. How do you see finances working if one of you cannot work/earn? Not just for maternity leave etc, but also generally, e.g. if one of you got ill, or your employer went bust. How would that go?

alleypalley · 20/08/2017 13:10

If you don't have shared finances then I think you should work out what you can each afford and the total of that is the budget for the holiday. He sounds tight.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 20/08/2017 13:13

He'd make you pay him back??

I'd take my £800 and go on holiday with someone who likes me.