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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull back from a friend because of her new partner? I don't want to rain on her happiness, but he's a colossal twat

84 replies

Thighsaplenty · 19/08/2017 23:31

Good friend of around 10 years is terminally single. She's beautiful, smart, funny and kind but hasn't met anyone special since her last relationship ended before we met.

She has started seeing this guy. They seem quite besotted and are spending all their time together. I'm so happy that she's found someone that makes her happy. It's lovely to see just how content she is. Although it's fairly early on, I think he may be a keeper.

Problem is we all met as a group (around 10 of us) to meet him. We split off into smaller groups to chat and I was with him.

He's smart, funny and, I hate to say it, cruel. He made a "joke" about my appearance, which given the fact that we'd never met before, seemed wholly unnecessary (think something along the lines of pretty people usually have pretty friends-how did you two end up friends) I know I'm
Not much to look at and I've tried to make my peace with it. Day to day it doesn't bother me but it really stung and made me feel about two inches tall. I made my excuses and left the conversation (and the pub)

I've been agonising over what to do. I don't want to ruin what she's got going, but I don't want to have to suffer through his company again.

So I'm figuring I can decline all invites to which he will be attending, and head to the ones that he definitely won't be at.

Im torn. I think I'd want to know if someone I was seeing said that to a friend, but she's in such a lovely bubble, I don't want to ruin it for her.

OP posts:

StorminaBcup · 20/08/2017 08:42

Could it be that he's been a bit over-familiar and totally misjudged how you'd take his, admittedly terrible, joke? I expect your friend has told him all about you and he's tried hard to be funny but come off as an obnoxious twat.

I'd give him another chance, like PP's have said and take it from there. If it happens again then take it up with him there and then.

scaryclown · 20/08/2017 08:42

Some really nice people say stupid things, so it not much to go on, also you may have had your 'i bet he's a dick' bar set very low, and you don't know him well enough to know if his joke was a joke about the obvious hanging joke.. Ie the making the latent joke real to laugh at it, or if it he is a 'shock' type or if it was just straight cruel.

pasturesgreen · 20/08/2017 08:45

Massive overreaction there. It was the first time you met him, he was faced with a crowd of his DP's friends, he was bound to be nervous and quite possibly tried to make ajoke which turned out horribly wrong.

I'd give him a second chance and see how things go.

Incidentally, terminally single is a horrible turn of phrase. I've been single for a similar amount of time as your friend, and would be mortified if I thought my friends were referring to me as that.

Original poster

Thighsaplenty · 20/08/2017 08:45

Thanks for the feedback.

I can see why many think I'm over-reacting. I think this as well (to an extent) as we've all said things we don't mean. I think the issue is im particularly sensitive about my appearance so he really hit a nerve.

My gut instinct is he is a charming idiot. It wasn't a veiled comment and he's definitely not interested in me. He's tried to make a joke and it's backfired horribly. Time will tell if he does it again or alienates other folk.

We're supposed to be meeting as a smaller group (6) for dinner tonight and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:

Showandtell · 20/08/2017 08:45

I'm amazed at all the people saying that comment could have been a joke.

Even my 10 year old wouldn't make a 'joke' like that. He sounds like an arse hole. Avoid him but stay friends with your friend

Original poster

Thighsaplenty · 20/08/2017 08:46

And the terminally single is a turn of phrase used by her, not me. It's not meant to cause offence and sorry if it does.

OP posts:

Showandtell · 20/08/2017 08:47

I'd be dreading it too. Try not to get put next to him!

Dragonflycushion · 20/08/2017 08:48

YANBU to feel hurt by his comment.
YABU to let it affect your friendship.
It's not your friend's fault that he said a twattish thing.
Give him another chance but be prepared to calmly call him out on any future nonsense the second it happens. All the better if it's in public as he won't be able to twist it.

Dragonflycushion · 20/08/2017 08:50

Maybe try to sit opposite him but definitely not next to him. Twatty comments across a table would be heard by others.

ChevalierTialys · 20/08/2017 08:57

It may have been nerves OP. There were 10 people there to meet just him after all. He may be mortified that he said that.

Give him another chance. And let us know how it goes

WhataHexIgotinto · 20/08/2017 09:02

I think I'd be wanting to sit near him or chat to him just to either confirm he actually is an utter arsehole, in which case you know what you do, or find out if he's OK and just fucked up the last time you met.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2017 09:05

Dreading it is a strong reaction to somebody who said something rude to you one single time will be one of the six people at dinner tonight. So was leaving the whole event when he said it. You could have gone to other friends 'pssst can you believe he said .. do you think he's a nervous idiot or a dick?! I'm pretty hurt , I don't need rude comments about my looks' etc
Etc which would have been so much more normal behaviour. You can't be fair to this guy while you are reacting so strongly. Don't sit next to him. Be guided by what your other friends think because if they all think he's lovely then really if could have been a stupid nervous comment and you are very sensitive. And taking that further would be a very unfair thing to do to your friend.

ClemDanfango · 20/08/2017 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seven201 · 20/08/2017 09:31

I think it was just a 'joke' that went wrong. Go with an open mind tonight.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/08/2017 09:39

Why do people think he fancies the OP? He insulted her.

They're not 5, and he hasn't pulled her pig tail. They're both adults, and he's said something seriously unkind and off-putting.

He's an arse. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'd be going out of my way to avoid him.

TheStoic · 20/08/2017 09:44

Could he actually have been trying to compliment you, as in making out that you are the attractive one of the two of you?

You know, like the old complimenting a woman's mother by calling her her sister' thing?

Not nice either way, but I just can't imagine someone would be so directly insulting?

Sallystyle · 20/08/2017 09:48

He fancies you.

What?

We really need to get out of this mindset that if men put you down it's because they fancy you.

It's like when people told me the boys at school being mean to me only did it because they liked me.

I have yet to meet anyone who is cruel to someone because they fancy them

PaganGoddessBrigid · 20/08/2017 09:54

Wow. You're a good friend. I've been single for a long time too, institutionally single, yes.

Does she fall in to the 'nice girl' category? No inclination to mark a personal boundary? If so then I think you took the comment how it was intended, with cruelty.

Next time you meet up with your friend do something new. Abseiling, pottery, something that will increase her confidence and tell her about a 'friend' who is Too Nice. And the problem with being Too Nice is that you scare away people who respect boundaries and then there's space around you for vultures to swoop.

Siwdmae · 20/08/2017 09:57

A friend's DH, meeting me and the DH for the first time, made an equally incredibly rude comment about my DH. The friend was keen to have couply nights out. It never happened, not just because of the one comment, he was a huge wanker.

I'd say give him the opportunity to redeem himself tonight but if he says anything again, repeat loudly so your mate hears and challenge him if he's rude.

sonjadog · 20/08/2017 09:58

Do abseiling and pottery build confidence?

PickAChew · 20/08/2017 10:39

Hopefully tonight's dinner will clarify for you whether he said something stupid as a one off or his "funny" is actually a mask for"jerk".

If he makes comments about anyone's appearance, don't be afraid to call him out for a tendency to make personal comments. Even if he was always complementary, it's a trait that makes many people uncomfortable.

Anatidae · 20/08/2017 11:10

If he hadn't said that specific thing, how would you feel about him? It's hard to tell from your op whether this was a gauche remark that's hit a nerve, or one example which you're using to illustrate your unease about him.

If the latter, then yes you need to tell her. I was single for years, partly because I wouldn't date twats. My friend hated being single and consequently ended up with several men she really regretted dating. One or two of whom treated her very badly indeed, both physically and mentally. I always told her 'this guy is a twat.' We actually had some arguments about it at the time. So be prepared for that.

Take your feelings about your appearance out of it if you can. Otherwise how does he make you feel? I would always, always tell a friend if the guy they were dating had been awful to me. Or if they were displaying certain behaviours.

There's no need to dread meeting him again. It's not you dating him. Go, sit near him, be charming and polite and cool in manner (not trendy cool, slightly icy cool.) take the measure of him.

What did he say about your appearance? You can either go for the witty one liner, which is risky because it's hard to do on time. Or you can go for the arsehole approach which is much more effective but takes nerve.

Him: joke about your appearance
You: deadpan, repeat joke 'did you just say..?'
Him: oh you. Any take a joke blah nlah
You 'x just said ...' is that what you said? Hey friend, your date just said ....

Sit back, watch squirming.

Anatidae · 20/08/2017 11:12

Oh you can't take a joke... bloody autocorrect

Anyway, repeat what he said for about five minutes past the point it gets really, really awkward. 'But no you did say...' 'oh you were joking! But you said...' 'hey friend x just said I look xxx do you think I look xxxx because that's what he said, didn't you? You said xxx'

Works well on any kind of passive aggressive side remarks ...

BackforGood · 20/08/2017 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 20/08/2017 15:44

Sorry - completely wrong thread (as you may have guessed!)

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