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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull back from a friend because of her new partner? I don't want to rain on her happiness, but he's a colossal twat

84 replies

Thighsaplenty · 19/08/2017 23:31

Good friend of around 10 years is terminally single. She's beautiful, smart, funny and kind but hasn't met anyone special since her last relationship ended before we met.

She has started seeing this guy. They seem quite besotted and are spending all their time together. I'm so happy that she's found someone that makes her happy. It's lovely to see just how content she is. Although it's fairly early on, I think he may be a keeper.

Problem is we all met as a group (around 10 of us) to meet him. We split off into smaller groups to chat and I was with him.

He's smart, funny and, I hate to say it, cruel. He made a "joke" about my appearance, which given the fact that we'd never met before, seemed wholly unnecessary (think something along the lines of pretty people usually have pretty friends-how did you two end up friends) I know I'm
Not much to look at and I've tried to make my peace with it. Day to day it doesn't bother me but it really stung and made me feel about two inches tall. I made my excuses and left the conversation (and the pub)

I've been agonising over what to do. I don't want to ruin what she's got going, but I don't want to have to suffer through his company again.

So I'm figuring I can decline all invites to which he will be attending, and head to the ones that he definitely won't be at.

Im torn. I think I'd want to know if someone I was seeing said that to a friend, but she's in such a lovely bubble, I don't want to ruin it for her.

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 19/08/2017 23:36

I don't think you need to burst her bubble or ruin your friendship .Just only go to girly things with her don't do anymore couples things at all . If asked why there's no need to be secretive just say you don't get on with him you're not on the same wavelength as the bf but you're happy that she's happy .

DJBaggySmalls · 19/08/2017 23:37

Urgh. Massive red flag if he's already working to distance her from her mates.
I'd say something, but not expect it to go well. Fingers crossed for you.

sebumfillaments · 19/08/2017 23:39

He fancies you.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/08/2017 23:41

It will be hard but I would tell her what he said. If you meet uo with her fairly soon she is bound to ask you what you thought of him so there would be your opportunity.

It may ruin your friendship if she believes his version ( he will have a version!) but at least you will know you did everything you could to warn her.

He obviously sees you as a threat so don;t take the insult personally.

e1y1 · 19/08/2017 23:41

This would have been the time you say something like "my friend obviously values personality above looks, but it looks like she has got neither with you dickhead".

Yeah he sounds a knob.

QueenofallIsee · 19/08/2017 23:44

Wow, what a total wang. I guess it is possible that it was an ill conceived joke that he is equally mortified about (I once made a joke about male pattern baldness to a chap in an obvious wig that i had not clocked until it was too late), so if you really care about her then maybe give it once more go before you back off completely?

Petitefleurblanche · 19/08/2017 23:45

That's so awful. Is there any way that he meant to say something else and it came out wrong due to nerves or something? Or just a terrible attempt at a joke? I'm not trying to diminish it if he did mean to be cruel, it just seems like such a bizarrely rude thing to do, not normal at all.

Donttouchthethings · 19/08/2017 23:46

Ooo, tricky... Depending how close you are, I think I would probably tell her. Gently.

Donttouchthethings · 19/08/2017 23:47

I agree that it could have been a mistake on his part. If you tell her, it gives her a chance to find out. He might be mortified.

sonjadog · 19/08/2017 23:49

Did you like him before he made the comment? If you did, then I would consider letting it go this time. He may have been nervous about meeting her friends and opened his mouth and really put his foot in it?

zzzzz · 19/08/2017 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2017 23:57

I suppose you should give him the benefit of the doubt and it was an ill thought out remark and he didn't mean anything by it. I agree he might have been nervous and said the wrong thing which is easily done. Don't jump to conclusions after one meeting even if you feel your instincts are right.

kkkkaty123 · 20/08/2017 00:06

Awful comment to make. I'd give him one more chance though just to see if he truly is a twat or maybe it was nerves. I've said the most oddest things when I've been nervous, nothing like that though..... but I would be ready for him the next time Wink

BackforGood · 20/08/2017 00:09

Seems a complete over-reaction, for you to leave your group of 10 friends, and cut the evening short because of one horrible remark. I too wonder if he was very nervous at meeting 10 of you at once, tried to make a joke and got it horribly wrong? I certainly wouldn't have let it curtail my evening out though.

Sounds like a perfect time to use the MN favourite of 'Did you mean to be so rude?' and then sit with others in your group.
As for you saying you won't go to wedding he is attending, makes you sound a bit unhinged. Why would you not go to share a friend's special day, because 1 other guest is someone you didn't take to on one meeting ? Hmm.

I've been in the situation where a really close friend got together with a complete twat and lived with him for nigh on 10 years before getting rid and we were still able to remain friends - we just saw each other without him. She tended to get invited to places without him, as people got to know him. You don't need to stop being friends with your friend.

quizqueen · 20/08/2017 00:16

I think she needs to know that he has said something hurtful to a good friend - better she has a bit of a warning early on in the relationship before she gets in too deep and he possibly offends all her friends. He's not that smart or funny if he crosses boundaries like that. Lots of people put on an act of being super nice at first. You could ask others who were at the gathering what they thought of him first.

waitingforlifetostart · 20/08/2017 01:07

'terminally single'. It's not a friggin disease fgs.

SweetLuck · 20/08/2017 01:14

Well if he just made one comment I think you're over reacting. I would keep my distance from him, but not her.

Goodasgoldilox · 20/08/2017 01:43

Sounds like a joke that went terribly wrong! Hopefully this is the case and you won't need to avoid him. Was it a one-off comment or was he hurtful to others?

You say you are not much to look at ...but this is your perception and it is quite possible that you are wrong. (It does sound as if he didn't think this . It would be stupidly rude to say such a thing to someone unattractive.)

For the future - tell him that your friend was always fond of lame ducks - and that he is himself a fine example of this!

SleepingStandingUp · 20/08/2017 02:18

Have you spoken to your other friends? What did they think?
Did she ask why you left?

She's going to assume it was meant as a joke rather than meanly but if tell her anyway - "so what did you think of him??" "I'm nit sure yet, tbh he said something that upset me, that's why I left early" "oh god, what did he say? In sure he didn't mean it!!" "well he said... Etc etc

If he actually is an arsehole please don't let him isolate herself but avoid being alone with him

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2017 02:19

Whoa. Serious red flag. I see this as his way to drive you away from your friend. What a cunt.

Caterina99 · 20/08/2017 03:46

If it was just the one comment then I'd ignore it. Give him another chance, but would mostly aim to see her without him.

A close friend had a bf for several years that as a group we all hated. (Sent dodgy texts to a few of my friends, treated her badly etc) but she was besotted and couldn't see it. We just met without partners so we didn't have to see him. It didn't change the relationship with her.

Andylion · 20/08/2017 03:49

Massive red flag if he's already working to distance her from her mates.

How can you tell that he's actually trying to distance her from her friends and not that it's just a natural reaction to his dickishness?

OP, did she ask you what you thought of him? I'd tell her what he said.

IndominusRex · 20/08/2017 04:18

A few years ago I told my best friend I didn't like her partner. He was deeply unpleasant to a few people and showed many classic red flags of an abuser (I'm a DV survivor). She hasn't spoken to me, or any of our other friends, since. I still worry about her all the time.

Escargot82 · 20/08/2017 04:28

I have a similar story to @IndominusRex.
Years ago I started dating a guy - none of my friends really clicked with him and they started making excuses not to come to things with us. They were too polite to tell me what they thought of him, instead they slowly cut themselves off from me.
He ended up being abusive.
I had no friends left to help me.
It sucked.
Be there for your friend - just in case she needs you.

Softkitty2 · 20/08/2017 07:27

Just call him out on it. If he says something younfind offensive tell him in front of everyone and maybe he won't do it again and if he does. Avoid