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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull back from a friend because of her new partner? I don't want to rain on her happiness, but he's a colossal twat

84 replies

Thighsaplenty · 19/08/2017 23:31

Good friend of around 10 years is terminally single. She's beautiful, smart, funny and kind but hasn't met anyone special since her last relationship ended before we met.

She has started seeing this guy. They seem quite besotted and are spending all their time together. I'm so happy that she's found someone that makes her happy. It's lovely to see just how content she is. Although it's fairly early on, I think he may be a keeper.

Problem is we all met as a group (around 10 of us) to meet him. We split off into smaller groups to chat and I was with him.

He's smart, funny and, I hate to say it, cruel. He made a "joke" about my appearance, which given the fact that we'd never met before, seemed wholly unnecessary (think something along the lines of pretty people usually have pretty friends-how did you two end up friends) I know I'm
Not much to look at and I've tried to make my peace with it. Day to day it doesn't bother me but it really stung and made me feel about two inches tall. I made my excuses and left the conversation (and the pub)

I've been agonising over what to do. I don't want to ruin what she's got going, but I don't want to have to suffer through his company again.

So I'm figuring I can decline all invites to which he will be attending, and head to the ones that he definitely won't be at.

Im torn. I think I'd want to know if someone I was seeing said that to a friend, but she's in such a lovely bubble, I don't want to ruin it for her.

OP posts:

MumBod · 20/08/2017 07:31

Yeah, he fancies you.

Which is no better really.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 20/08/2017 07:35

I'd be tempted to meet him again to gauge his personality a bit more. We've all said stupid unintentional things to virtual strangers please don't let it be just me and I agree a quiet chat with other friends might help to see what they thought.
I'm sorry you were upset. But give it a bit more time before you decide to cut him out completely. He may just have made an arse out of himself through nervousness.

TheUnseenAcademic · 20/08/2017 07:37

I say red flag too. Very similar happened with a friend of mine and it turned into an abusive relationship. I thought he was just a bit of a dick, not realising just how awful he was to her in private. I wish I'd asked her more about her relationship- instead I mostly just avoided talking to her about him as I thought it wasn't any of my business. It may not be the same here, of course, but i would recommend being alert to the possibility.

saoirse31 · 20/08/2017 07:40

Massive over reaction. He may be obnoxious, he may not be. But you don't actually know yet.

Your reaction is so over the top that its inexplicable tbh.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 07:46

You've described him as 'smart and funny'. If you are basing your whole dislike on one throwaway comment that actually come out all wrong because he's on the spot, being nicely interrogated by all her friends, then yes you are over reacting. Do the others like him? But if you want to marginalise yourself from your friendship group then go ahead.

Capricorn76 · 20/08/2017 07:47

Red flag. Also he doesn't fancy you (I don't subscribe that crap that if a guy is mean to you then he fancies you, no he's just a PUA dick).

Your friend was probably banging on about how awesome you are before the big meet up so he felt threatened and was trying to let you know that your place in the pecking order has changed. Be there for your friend. She's going to need it. Avoid him though.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/08/2017 07:51

This would have been a prime moment for the MN 'Did you mean to be so rude?' supplemented with icy stare. His reaction to that would have given a fair bit away.

Tell her what he said. Perhaps other friends have shared similar with her from the night.

And I agree with a PP that 'terminally single' isn't a great expression. I know you mean 'the chances of her finding someone are diminishing', but that in itself is a bit horrible - we're not in an age of spinsters left on the shelf.

ClemDanfango · 20/08/2017 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJamesAspey · 20/08/2017 07:58

I'd give him another chance, I've heard loads of horror stories over the years from my male friends who are lovely friendly people but make mistakes of saying the absolutely wrong thing under pressure of meeting a new girls family or friends.

Just be prepared next time as pps have said and have your answer and "shock/horrified" look ready.

Capricorn76 · 20/08/2017 07:58

And ignore those who are saying you're overacting. You are not. He made you feel shit, you're not at fault. You barely know the guy so don't owe him a second chance. You may be putting yourself down a bit by saying you're not conventionally hot but clearly you are sensitive about your looks. Why give this guy a potential second chance to make you feel bad about yourself? Too many guys get given the benefit of the doubt when they shouldn't be. How dare he just turn up 5 mins ago and start giving it bigguns. Tell your friend the score though.

guiltynetter · 20/08/2017 07:58

i think you are over reacting a bit. yes, it wasn't a nice thing to say, but if the rest of the time he was 'smart and funny' as you said, maybe it was just an ill timed joke? or something he said and thought oh god why did i just say that? to leave the pub straight away and plan to never see him again is huge!

have you spoke to the rest of your friends to see what they thought of him, and to see whether he made any rude remarks to them? that could help you form your opinion more. maybe you could give him another chance.

PissPotPourri · 20/08/2017 07:58

I second the pp who say it's a joke gone wrong. To me it sounds like he thinks you are attractive, it's the kind of lame joke somebody would say to someone they assume is confident in their looks ie no worry it would be taken as you did.
Perhaps you have poor self confidence and took it wrong. Id try to give him another chance and be open minded.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 20/08/2017 08:02

I really would give him the benefit of the doubt- just this once. He may have meant to say something else and ballsed it up. However I would be quite wary of him and be watching out for the next time he acts like a wanker.
If he did something like this again, I would tell your friend.

JackietheBackie · 20/08/2017 08:05

I have said monumentally stupid things when I have been nervous and meeting a load of new people. Mainly cos I get a bit giddy and lose my social filter. That doesn't mean I fancy people or that I am an abusive person. I would instigate a three strikes rule. Give him another two chances - that should be enough to let you know whether he is socially arkward or a dick. There is no point telling your pal what you think of him. She won't see it or hear it through her love goggles. If he is a dick, ignore him but maintain your friendship with her.

I endured 8 years of my best friend going out with a complete knobber. I gritted my teeth and avoided him whenever possible. Eventually she saw the real him and was able to make a break.

MudCity · 20/08/2017 08:07

I would give him a second chance. He may have felt under pressure meeting her friends and the comment was ill-judged / didn't come out the way it was intended. I wouldn't necessarily form a lasting opinion of someone after one meeting.

Agree with a previous poster about the 'terminally single' reference in your post....now you see, that is also a comment that could be judged harshly!!

HaPPy8 · 20/08/2017 08:17

I also think you are overreacting - one comment that was probably supposed to be a joke that came out all wrong. Give him another chance.

SummerKelly · 20/08/2017 08:21

I have something similar with a friend of mine - her new boyfriend said something racist to me the first time I met him - no way it was just thoughtless etc. I brought it up with her and she shrugged it off as maybe he was joking. I have continued to see her but very infrequently, it is really awkward as I no longer want to go round to her house and hang out with him. I debated about whether to tell her what he said but decided I had to otherwise she would notice I was avoiding him / them and draw her own conclusions. I'm glad I said something but I still feel the situation is shit. Sometimes I think I should just get over it and see him but I just can't bring myself to.

Liiinoo · 20/08/2017 08:21

I wouldn't dismiss him after just one meeting. Try one more couples event and if you still dislike him then limit your contact with him.

My SIL met a new man 21 years ago. The first time DH and I met him we were horrified, he was brash, flashy, loud etc. I now know that was nerves. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met and is now a treasured part of our close family circle.

Kingoftheroad · 20/08/2017 08:22

I absolutely hate this type of "humour". I find it's usually the same type of person that uses it - weirdos.

I'ts humiliating and rude. Funnily enough, in my experience it's predominately men that use it.

I have someone in my life that uses this, I found the death stare, a filthy look and turning my back on him worked really well. I don't have any conversation with him unless it's of a formal nature, giving him no room in my life or opportunity to do this again.

I have decided to be on my guard around him so should any of these comments occur again, I will call him out on it right there and then.

I probably would take this one and say nothing but adopt the above strategy, if your friend ever asks why you keep a distance from him then I'd tell her the truth.

Others are correct he's a creep. Real people don't behave like this. Weirdo

NotInMyBackYard1 · 20/08/2017 08:27

There's one guy amongst my husband's friends who is just like this, makes rude comments, always makes me feel humiliated, is just a total prick. It's taken me 10 years to figure out the best way of dealing with him is to laugh really loudly at him and mock his remarks right back. And walk away!

Whataboutus · 20/08/2017 08:28

That's a really insulting and unnecessary comment. I can understand your hurt and I would never just laugh that off.

Depending on your relationship, I would tell her openly, won't be coming out with you again if he's there after what he said to me, no thanks.

And that wasn't a comment that someone who remotely fancied you would say so no idea why posters are saying that.

NotAnotheChinHair · 20/08/2017 08:29

I am with the PP in thinking that you might be overreacting and that it could have been a badly worded joke. Is it possible you could have misinterpreted what he said or even misheard if the pub was noisy? Give him another chance.

AmyGardner · 20/08/2017 08:32

If this is literally his one transgression then you've overreacted by miles!

Why would you abandon a night out with your friends and have already decided you'll have to avoid him for ever more, based on one ill-judged comment?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/08/2017 08:38

Some men actually flirt this way, to get a reaction, and hopefully a look of shock horror ! Unfortunately for him, he didn't play it right, and you weren't as confident as he had presumed. I'd say give him another chance, possibly nerves got in his way, and he got it very wrong.
If of course, he happens upon you again, just say, did you mean to be so very rude ? ( Dickhead is optional 😄 ).

HotelEuphoria · 20/08/2017 08:41

I would be very surprised if most of us hadn't said something awful once unintentionally and not realised until it left our mouths how bad it sounded. I have. Once. And it was bad.

I would give him another chance, but just one.

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