I'll try not to drip-feed, so sorry about the essay-length post!
I know it's early in the year, but Christmas planning has started because we live 200 miles from family. Mine in London and my inlaws in Scotland. Neither of us drive, so we need to arrange trains, and somewhere to stay etc, so it's a big effort. It's also expensive, so usually we try and stay with a relative.
When DH and I got together we would alternate each year: my family for Christmas, his the next, then mine again the following year. This worked fine for about four years, then the problems with his mother and stepfather stared.
MIL lives across town from us, but all the rest of the family is in Scotland.
MIL remarried when DH was 5yrs old. The man she married is an alcoholic (or alcohol dependant, or whatever the correct term for someone who is not a chemical addict but a psychological one, if that makes a difference). She knew this before they got married, but she did it anyway. We will call him G.
G is not always drunk. This is mainly because he is on his last warning for going to work while drunk or smelling of alcohol. He works in the civil service as part of the court system, so they are very strict. He never has just one drink. If he has one, he won't stop until he falls unconscious. Then he will wake up and carry on drinking until he passes out again. He will get home from work on Friday and drink at least one box of wine. Then he will have the two or three top-up bottles MIL gets for him the next morning. Then he will ransack the house looking for more alcohol once that is gone. The local shops either close before he gets to this point, or have been warned not to serve him after a certain time on Saturday. And on Sunday he's on enforced abstinence so that he has dried out enough to not stink up the office on Monday (or throw-up all over himself at the bus stop on his way in, as he has done several times in the past)
This would be bad enough, but when he is drunk he has mood swings. One minute he will be happily chatting away, the next he will be snarling abuse at you. He is also violent. While DH was growing up he was subject to emotional and mental abuse, along with physical assault. For example at age 8, DH had his head bashed into a cupboard because he called his mum a name 30 minutes earlier during an argument. He's also had his arm "accidentally" broken while "play fight" on two occasions.
MIL is an enabler, and comes out with things like "but he's lovely the rest of the time" and "but he doesn't mean it and he's sorry when he sobers up" and "he'd never do anything to really hurt anyone". She is also emotionally manipulative, lies about the worst possible things (like making up rape and abuse stories about DHs dad - then forgetting and contradicting herself later). She is only occasionally violent (if that makes it any better). She was also neglectful in that she just left DH to it. She didn't make sure her primary school aged child had clean clothes, a balanced diet, went to school (both adults left for work before it started so they just left him to take himself to school). She didn't do anything that parents need to do to take care of their child, and her excuse is "well it was the second marriage for both of us, so we decided to just have fun"
While growing up, DH was taught not to talk about this. He was told that every family had fights, and that it was all perfectly normal, but that it was bad manners to air your dirty laundry in public. So he kept quiet. Until around 6 years ago.
DH and I lived with MIL and G for a while so that we could save for a deposit, and during that time G became physically violent towards me. DH stepped in to protect me, and I called the police (MIL tried to stop me and disconnected the landline so I couldn't dial 999). Needless to say, we moved out within the week. This incident sparked a conversation with some close friends and DH realised that what he'd grown up with was not normal as he had been lead to believe, so he distanced himself from his mother and stepfather. MIL then went to her family (and FILs family) and cried that I was wrecking her relationship with DH. DH responded by telling them everything... and they took her side.
They think DH is exaggerating or that she would never do those things. They say that, even if it did happen, she's family so it shouldn't matter. They certainly don't support me banning MIL and G from seeing DS (4) and think MIL should be allowed to see DS if DH or I are around.
When DS was born we went up to visit the inlaws for Christmas on the understanding that we would not see MIL or G. On Christmas Day, MIL called her mother, who we were staying with, and asked to see SD. Gran asked DH, and made it very clear that she wanted it to happen. MIL then called DH and told him that it would ruin his grans Christmas if he didn't agree. So we were trapped in the house, couldn't get home without help (which no one would provide) and our host was making demands that we didn't want to give in to. In the end we had no choice but to agree, and I hate myself for letting them put us in that position.
There have been a few similar instances since then, and DS knows who his gran is and that we don't see her very often.
To clarify, when DS was born I sent MIL some terms for if she wanted to be part of DSs life. The first one was that she had to leave the abusive drunk. The second was that she had to get psychological help for whichever mental illness she has that makes her think what she has done is in any way ok. She hasn't done either of those things.
DH wants to go to his family this year, because we haven't been back since DSs first Christmas, and I really want to make him happy, but I also don't want to go into MILs territory or deal with her family undermining our decision to protect our son.
We could stay in a hotel, but we would still depend on family for transport, which leaves us at their mercy if they pull that stunt again.
AIBU?