Gap yah at 49? Mid-life crisis? Self improvement? WIBU?

[Gingernaut]

I apologise for the length of this post.

I'm currently facing the end of a temporary (bank) contract and will be free from the beginning of September.

I'm living in a flat as my house is being fully refurbished. The work should be finished/I'll be moving back in at the end of September.

I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD-PI (the new name for ADD), I am in the early stages of my first prescription and currently getting doses tweaked. My next appointment is early October.

The first effects are subtle, but amazing. I can focus and concentrate for the first time ever.

Now, you little nest of vipers/bunch of champions, this is where you come in.

I am at a loss to know what to do next.

I don't have the qualifications required to start on a degree course.

I had to drop out of a Higher Tier GCSE Maths course earlier this year as the amount of work required on top of what was taught in the Lower Tier class was too much.

Over £800 down the fucking drain because I couldn't get my act together. I'm kicking myself, but enough self-flagellation.

I'm overweight (BMI 27), unfit with some mobility/foot and ankle issues, I can see my face and body deteriorating every time I see myself in the mirror, the menopause is starting to come in (hot flushes, hyperhidrosis and blotching blushes, nice), I'm wildly underqualified (washing beakers requires a degree, apparently) and I want to have a wishlist of stuff I want to achieve. Life goals.

I can't drive, have few friends (5 Facebook friends and some goodwill from my soon-to-be former colleagues), have cross-stitch projects I haven't touched in years and no family near me.

I'm the eldest of three, one abroad and one with kids in London.

All but one of my parents' entire generation are deceased. So far, nobody makes it past 69 in my family.

I have absolutely no clue what to do with myself, but I am conscious of the fact I have another 18/19 years before I retire and there's a good chance I won't see retirement. ☠

I'm 'lucky' in that both my parents are deceased and they owned property in London.

After an iniquitous amount of IHT, I am comfortable, and, with good money management, can afford not to work for a year or two.

Instead of launching into another frenzied and upsetting round of job searching, all the while trying to pack up the flat, move back into my house and settle all bills, I feel the need to take a step back and take stock.

I'm mortgage free. I have spare money and can pay for a holiday (visiting sibling abroad or something), courses, lessons and trainers.

I am conscious of the phrase "You can do anything, but you can't do everything".

Now I have the (drug assisted) capacity to focus and concentrate, all of a sudden, I'm like an over excited child in a sweet shop being told that I can only have one sweetie.

I have never been able to apply myself academically, beyond GCSE and ONC, would not know how to and don't know what to do first.

Life coaching? Careers coaching? Personal trainer? Full on therapy? Driving lessons?

So here are the questions.

WWYD?

What have you done?

How did you find the subject you wanted to study?

How did you 'commit' to a way of life?

There are children out there with a clearer idea of what they want to do than me and are striving towards career goals already.

Fuck me. I don't know what I'll eat for breakfast tomorrow.

Are there courses or lessons about life management? How to prioritise?

How does one acquire the nebulous, barely defined life skills that allow people to plan and execute, rather than letting life just hit you with random stuff?

This post has been edited by MNHQ

I don't know what you should do. I have no idea about courses, etc.

However in 3 years time I will be mid 40s, dc at uni and I'm jacking in work, leaving dh and am going to walk from Mexico to Canada.

You only have one life.

How about some vocational training for a specific career....but not necessarily something academic. Something like floristry? Nail tech? Eyelashes? I have friends who run their own eyelash or nail business and they make good money.

Would your feet manage dog walking? Could you earn you some money while doing a course and help lose weight? Pet sitting service?

I don't know what I want to do and don't know how to decide.

Are there life coaches who help people with this very First World problem?

I have, in the past, fallen into what should have been thr first steps of a pretty lucrative career, but the manager was changed from nice to nasty.

Nasty was a passive-aggressive narcissist and I failed to gain a qualification before the 3 year contract was up.

I am not resilient and took a long time to get over the bitch who scuppered 3 job offers with her references.

No. Not up to dog walking/sitting.

I live in a depressed shit tip. People don't have the money for services like that.

OP - I am same age as you and feel similar. I'm in a full time job with reasonable salary - but every day/ month is the same , I am only there for the money as I have to pay the mortgage and bills and am single mother . I can see me doing the same for another 20 years until I retire .

I'm thinking of going to see a Life Coach - I got so far as googling on the internet to find some names and numbers. I feel my life is just draining away, but will struggle to make any changes while the kids are small as I need a steady income.

I have recently found something out at the grand old age of 38. People that complete things/ are successful at things don't always have burning passions for those things.

They just complete them and keep going.

I was hung up on this issue for years. Shall I do this. Shall I do that. Then I just picked one, backed myself and completed it.

So, don't get too hung up on picking the right thing. Just pick one thing. Complete it and see where it leads. The more you complete and get on with the easier you will find it to complete and do other things.

So, the tricky part...and you've asked this as well...how to stay motivated. There are many ways and ideas to help with this.

Have a look at the zen habits blog. He has alot of information on how to stay motivated.

One of his tips is always to just do a little bit. Just go and read that book for your course for ten minutes or two pages. ANYONE can read 2 pages. And once you start, you ALWAYS do more. You can get great stuff done doing 10 minutes a day.

Type in motivation videos into youtube.

Ultimately though motivation is just a choice. Just choose to complete it. Let nothing stop you. Nothing. Own your life and let nothing stand in your way.

If I was you I would do this...

Driving lessons.
Exercise every day.
Get out of my comfort zone. Go to a country that scares you (that might be France for you I don't know - but be scared)
I would train for a solid career. You will gets lots of esteem from this. Nursing, Teacher, Paramedic, Solicitor, Radiographer. Once qualified I would do a couple of years then I would go part time.

Sorry, spell checking is not my forte, but you get my drift....

Would you consider some sort of volunteering project abroad for a few months?

Please don't do this if you don't have skills, mainly skills you can teach rather than use (but if you are a qualified HCP, you may have these).

It would be substituting your unskilled labour for someone locally who will a) be cheaper and b) is no doubt finding it hard enough to get a job.

Find an Improv festival somewhere and book tickets and workshop spaces? Is stand-up something that you can see yourself doing in the future? We just had a brilliant Improv festival here and there were artists from all over the world running workshops. Sold out.

If you've just been diagnosed with ADHD and have a bit of spare cash I'd strongly recommend finding a (sympathetic) adhd coach as the first priority.

They can act like a life coach but one that understands how you tick, what your difficulties are, what your strengths may be - you asked how people got motivated, with adhd your route to that may be different to most people's.

Might not be cheap but I've found it invaluable in figuring out how to approach a whole spectrum of stuff, from big life and career decisions to how to actually get to a meeting on time and remember to take my house keys with me. Meds help with the day to day stuff but i think understanding yourself is pretty crucial to figuring out the big stuff.

Whatever you do, enjoy it, and try not to just strive to follow the herd - you're not wired that way - and your way can be just as valid and worthy, just different.

Hi Ballyhoobird

Where did you find yours? Trial and error? Specific website? Word of mouth?

Sorry for the delay in getting back, I had to go shopping.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I'm wearing Skechers Go Walks currently. Great minds!

I've spent over 15 years in a variety of labs - boredom kept getting the better of me and I kept leaving.

Science does interest me. I would also like to know a little more about data analysis and accountancy.

I got back after parklives was deleted. Did I miss something? Was it spam?

Plenty to think about and Google.

Thank you very much for your time.

I did a web search and called a few who came up - most offer a brief free chat first up as it's important to find a good "fit".

Thanks. Googling now....

Look into doing an access course, usually run by your local Education Authority. These are full time one year courses that, if you pass, get you into University. Maybe a science based access course?

Following this thread with interest, I'm your age in a similar situation.
Don't get hung up on the academic qualifications thing. I recently qualified with an OU degree but it doesn't seem to mean anything in the real world. I thought graduating would give me instant admission to the grown up world, but it actually just makes me overqualified for the shitty jobs I did before.
One thing I just did was volunteer at a music festival. Met lovely people, lived in a tent for a week, cost nothing, got fed & watered. Do it through Oxfam and you can go from festival to festival. Was ace. Has given me experience for a variety of different jobs....
Good luck lovely ❤️

How do people stay motivated?

After reading fucking millions many self improvement books over the years the general jist seems to be: they don't. Motivation is temporary and easy to lose. If you wake up one morning and don't feel motivated to go to the gym / go to a lecture / work on your papier mache art creation then you will find it difficult to do and will probably quit. Instead you should set goals, and then break your goals down into daily habits. So your morning walk is nonnegotiable, skipping a class is not an option, you always do an hour of papier mache before breakfast. Humans have a finite amount of willpower so it's best to avoid having to use it up by making your desired actions into habits and doing them automatically.

In your position I would go on an extended trip somewhere (2/3 months) to think about what you want to do and experience a different side of life. When you return, if you still don't know what to do with your life then try a life coach for guidance.

What an exciting time for you, good luck!

It sounds like you need to focus on one thing at a time and actually complete that goal. Then move onto the next goal. So you need to choose what you want to do first

I am thinking that you start with one of the following;

driving lessons & pass test, buy a car

regular swimming for exercise and weight loss - with perhaps a charity swim as an end goal

Book yourself onto a holiday with other singles eg Exodus or similar
or a working volunteer holiday eg National Trust

Join some local clubs and volunteer in your are eg knit and natter, WI, book club, St Johns Ambulance or Red Cross, local hospital where you can meet people

Pay for a personal trainer who will assist you with exercise and nutrition - think short and long term goals.

Think of somewhere you have always wanted to go to visit - go there

Think of something that you have always wanted to do - do it

Some of these things will be easy to achieve, some will be hard. Some will take a short time, some will take a long time

Do things that you want to do

Does that help ?

Am I the only one wondering why MNHQ edited the first post?

What did they take out of it (or change?)

misses point of thread.

Was that the cunt bit mentioned up thread? Why would they take it out though?

I would try to learn to drive. Best thing I ever did at 30! I learnt automatic only though as I was heavily pregnant and couldn't entertain a gear stick .
I've lived and worked abroad a lot and if you think you can cope with a new culture, I would recommend it. For me it was life changing.
I spend 3 years teaching English in Asia, a few months in west Africa and time in mainland Europe.
Volunteering abroad could really help you focus and change your mind set.
I had quite a lot in my past and felt sorry for myself and depressed a lot in my early 20s. I couldn't move forward. I've never looked back since I saw how others were suffering but still coping. I developed a lot of empathy and motivation to help others.
It's also great for your CV.

Think they changed 'cunts' for 'champions'. Maybe at OP's request? It seemed fairly par for the course in many of these thread types though - as far as collective nouns for mners goes?