Aibu to expect my mum to travel to me..just sometimes?!?

[Felicitychipmunkx]

I'm very close to my mum and always lived pretty local until last January when she decided to move to the coast with my stepfather.
I was happy for her as she was living in inner London and never really liked to noise or busyness although the move meant she left a long standing career and is now working long shifts as a carer, 5 days a week 8 hour shifts.
My children are 7,4 and 3 and every second weekend we make the 2 hour drive to the coast to visit her.
We can't really stay in her cottage for the day as its tiny so end up picking her and stap father up, going out for the day, which she often does pay for however I don't like her feeling obliged ( but equally I can't afford to fund this )
She doesn't drive and never offers to come to visit us even though I live directly opposite the train station so after a train journey she only has to cross a road.
I understand a 2 hour train journey isn't ideal but I don't think at age 60 it's unreasonable to do this journey every month or even every second?
I don't think she has a clue how hard it is to do that sort of drive with 3 kids and it was a massive deal when I went down to once a fortnight instead of once a week but we were all just exhausted from it.
I work 4 days a week so only have 1 day in the week to sort anything out and even then I have my 3 year old so weekends are precious.
I'm seriously considering upping and just moving near her as I don't think this is going to change.
The issue is we would be giving up a council home and going into private rented accommodation which terrifies me with children as I know how unstable it can be after doing it for many years.
I'm an only child so there's not really anyone to pass this by other than friends who all seem to live pretty local to their parents so it doesn't really matter who does the travel.
Thanks for any opinions as feeling quite down about this!

Visiting every two weeks? That's far too often IMHO. Gosh I couldn't do this and not if my parent was able but unwilling to reciprocate.

To big a commitment in terms of time and money that should be better directed on your children and DH. They are your priority and their needs come before your mother's.

Apologies if this had been suggested but you mentioned moving closer to her but not wanting to be stuck in private rentals. I believe there are council house swap sites .

Of course I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't be expected to visit as much as you do.

We aren't eligible for a swap on the scheme we are on with the housing trust unfortunately

My mum also lives in the south coast, but she manages to get up to see me and DS every week in the train. She's 70. Your mum is perfectly capable, she just can't be arsed when she can have you come to her instead.

Incidentally my mum won't hear of me coming down to her "because it's much harder taking little ones on the train". I don't drive down because DS would distract me and I don't think it's safe on a long drive - I have no idea how you manage on your own with three tantrumming children in the car. I'm amazed you haven't crashed. Your mum is being crazily unreasonable.

Her comments are so manipulative - I'd go mad if my mum came out with something like that to my kids (I'd laugh and ignore it if she said it to me, but manipulating me through my children like that is an absolute no).

Have you heard back from your Mum yet?

Op you keep referring to her bringing you up herself for ten years - this doesn't mean you owe her like she is making you feel you do.

You and dc will be happier living a travel free life from now on. I bet their behaviour improves too.

No I haven't heard back from her as yet.
She generally sends me a message in the evening so will see what that says.
To be fair mine are pretty well behaved in the car, probably as they've been doing this for 18 months now it's almost part of a routine so they each have their thing to occupy them whether it be their iPad or colouring in and don't bicker on the drive itself!

I think you need to remember that when your Mum was in your position - a Mum with a child under 10, she only had 1 child and no relationship with a partner to maintain. I think you may have to point this out to her - that your life is busier and more complicated than hers ever was.

Your Mum made her choices to visit your Gran frequently - and perhaps that suited her because it was adult company and she had no partner to consider/fulfil that need.

Your life is different and you are entitled to make different choices to the ones she made.

I moved 2 hours drive away from my parents about 20 years ago. They've been to my house 3x since. They simply refuse to drive or get the train. It's weird and infuriating. I have to do the drive with four kids once a year or they would literally never see us.

Once a year sounds like bliss! I look at her and she is older and looks tired and I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt, I don't know why, I almost feel like I'm being selfish by not moving to be nearer her.
I don't know, I find it all upsetting and confusing.
We always planned to move to where she went together, it was then just timing that we got where we are by a HA and bought her little cottage by the sea.
But it wasn't meant to be like this

My Dad and his wife chose to move to the coast, a 2 - 3 hour journey away. They then began to expect us to always visit them rather than taking it in turns. It was just not fair to my dad, so we ended up only seeing them a few times a year rather than the amount we used to see them. It's not fair of your mum to make you feel guilty about how often you are prepared to travel to her - she chose to move after all.