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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my mum to travel to me..just sometimes?!?

86 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 18/08/2017 19:40

I'm very close to my mum and always lived pretty local until last January when she decided to move to the coast with my stepfather.
I was happy for her as she was living in inner London and never really liked to noise or busyness although the move meant she left a long standing career and is now working long shifts as a carer, 5 days a week 8 hour shifts.
My children are 7,4 and 3 and every second weekend we make the 2 hour drive to the coast to visit her.
We can't really stay in her cottage for the day as its tiny so end up picking her and stap father up, going out for the day, which she often does pay for however I don't like her feeling obliged ( but equally I can't afford to fund this )
She doesn't drive and never offers to come to visit us even though I live directly opposite the train station so after a train journey she only has to cross a road.
I understand a 2 hour train journey isn't ideal but I don't think at age 60 it's unreasonable to do this journey every month or even every second?
I don't think she has a clue how hard it is to do that sort of drive with 3 kids and it was a massive deal when I went down to once a fortnight instead of once a week but we were all just exhausted from it.
I work 4 days a week so only have 1 day in the week to sort anything out and even then I have my 3 year old so weekends are precious.
I'm seriously considering upping and just moving near her as I don't think this is going to change.
The issue is we would be giving up a council home and going into private rented accommodation which terrifies me with children as I know how unstable it can be after doing it for many years.
I'm an only child so there's not really anyone to pass this by other than friends who all seem to live pretty local to their parents so it doesn't really matter who does the travel.
Thanks for any opinions as feeling quite down about this!

OP posts:
HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 19/08/2017 07:17

This is what Skype is for.

Definitely cut it down. And don't give up the security of your home because she moved away. That is crazy! And nothing to say she won't move again in the future.

picklemepopcorn · 19/08/2017 07:19

Don't move! She has to accept that her move has changed things. You can't keep this up. Skype or MSN video calls.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/08/2017 07:28

I thought you were a single parent until you mentioned your husband in second post. What does he think of all this? It seems he doesn't go to your mums with you, why not?

Personally I think you're totally justified in cutting back to once a month & then once every half term, more frequently is unfair on your family in terms of finances & time.
What do you children think of these trips? Esp when the weather is bad?

swingofthings · 19/08/2017 07:33

If you are so close, why can't you just speak to her, explain that it is hard for you and would she mind either once a month, or once every other month come up to London.

Maybe she' assuming that you enjoy coming because like her, you are happy to get out of London and get some fresh air.

Surely it's not that difficult conversation to have rather than growing resentful?

mehimthem · 19/08/2017 07:42

She's actually asked me why I can't cancel them going to parties if it clashes with the weekend I'm due to see her.
She maintains family should always come first.

I thought while reading this OP that you too have a family now, & its impt for you & your family to build memories with & time doing things together. Now is time to say your family has to come 1st sometimes too. It can be quite a transition-ey thing for grandparents to realise/understand that their "core" family is expanding & new traditions & days may not always revolve around them. Can be good, but as an only child maybe your Mum hasnt yet realised what shes doing & how you & your children are not available to visit etc when she wishes or it suits her

Frazzled2207 · 19/08/2017 07:51

Yanbu at all. Aim to go once a month or so. And absolutely don't consider moving.

It would really do my head in going to see my parents yet not being able to go to their house and having to be out all day. Ok on the coast in summer, not to much when it's raining in November.
Just make it clear she's very welcome to come and see you and how much easier it would be. Presumably a visit from her wouldn't stop your kids doing activities/playdates either.

Fwiw my mother does a 100 mile round trip weekly to see my kids. She is 70.

Frazzled2207 · 19/08/2017 07:56

Mehimthen talks sense. It's a good point, things have moved on and right now you have to do what's right for YOUR family. And it was her decision to move!

OliviaBenson · 19/08/2017 08:01

Have you posted about the before OP? It sounds familiar in respect of giving up council accommodation.

lynmilne65 · 19/08/2017 08:04

No takes me 12 or more hours to visit dd and dgc x

lynmilne65 · 19/08/2017 08:05

And the mil is nearly 90 x

grobagsforever · 19/08/2017 08:11

Wow. You are the most devoted daughter! Your mum is being very selfish. And controlling. Are you scared of repercussions if you visit less? Is she a sulker ?

Wallywobbles · 19/08/2017 08:18

I was the one that lived therefore it's up to me to 90% of the visiting. Despite having enough room for everyone and a house by the beach it's still my problem.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 19/08/2017 08:25

Thanks for the opinions I really appreciate it.
She isn't so much a sulker but would make be feel incredibly guilty by sending things like " really missing the kids today, such a shame you couldn't come as I got little treats for the kiddies " and then I would feel awful and make the drive anyway.
Her and grandmother lived on the same street for many years until a few years ago when grandmother moved to live with my aunt.
However she travels a lot with work so it falls on my mum to step in when that happens.
Sorry I didn't make it clear about husband, he is a fire fighter so generally is on shift weekends, either sleeping as been on night shifts or working a 12 hour day. If he does happen to have a weekend off this is worked into the plan and we don't visit that weekend as do local things with the kids.

OP posts:
footballmum · 19/08/2017 08:35

Can you not just say, "Sorry Mum, every other week is becoming too difficult for me so from now on we'll just be visiting once a month. You're very welcome to come to us if you want to see us in between."

If she's tries to guilt trip you with gifts for the kids etc., just have a few set phrases ready like, "You'll have to save them till you next see them" or "Well, why don't you come up for the day - I'm sure the kids would love to see you" Guilt trips can work both ways Wink

NanooCov · 19/08/2017 08:35

My mum and dad are nearly 70 and do a 6 hour train journey from Scotland every couple of months. Your mum (barring infirmity) should be totally capable.

zippydoodaar · 19/08/2017 08:58

She's being incredibly selfish. She moved away, won't travel to you but expects you to visit every two weeks.

You need to tell her that you're going to change your visits to once a month. Every two weeks is too much financially and in terms of your time (which is already limited with working four days a week).

If she pouts and gives you the passive aggressive comments then tell her to come to you. It's a two way relationship.

I have a similar problem with my Mum. Whinges that I don't see her enough but never invites me or suggests anything. I get, "Well, am I going to see you this week?" Fact is, I see her every couple of weeks and work full time. Every single meet up is suggested/organised by me. I just ignore her now. It's very tiring. You'd think I was a terrible daughter if you heard her. Sad

kittybiscuits · 19/08/2017 09:04

I can't believe your mum is being so selfish and frankly manipulative. I don't think you should apologise or make excuses. She moved away to somewhere you wouldn't be able to stay and wants to see you at least fortnightly and for your kids to miss out on their stuff to allow this. I would drop any attempt at a schedule and I really wouldn't allow myself to made to feel guilty.

GlitterGlue · 19/08/2017 09:10

It's not sustainable, physically or financially. Will she Skype or FaceTime?

Get the children to start asking granny to come and see them at their own house.

Original poster
Felicitychipmunkx · 19/08/2017 10:27

The kids actually do ask her and she just replies " nanny works all week so is tired and loves you visiting me, the dog loves seeing you too and the beach is next door to me " and shuts them down.
I really do understand she is tired and I don't expect her to do the journey more than once a month but equally I cannot continue doing it with the kids every second Saturday. It means we are hardly ever home!

OP posts:
LetZygonsbeZygones · 19/08/2017 11:03

YANBU. It's unfair to use emotional blackmail if you do miss a visit.
I travel 4 hours to DD & family because I don't expect them after a busy week to bundle DGD and all her stuff into the car and trek up to me. There's only one of me to pack and travel so wouldn't want them to tire themselves travelling.

I find the travel exhausting but I can rest when I get back home whereas they can't.
You need to put yourself first here. You have busy lives with 3 DC, jobs etc. You need time together and to resist any emotional blackmail that comes when you Reclaim your right to do that.
All my family lived within a few streets of one another when I was growing up. We saw a lot of out GPs but families are spread out all over the country and beyond now. No way would I expect to see my DDs family every 2 weeks.

kittybiscuits · 19/08/2017 11:06

It's tiring for anyone to do so much travelling. I would either have no schedule going forwards, or suggest monthly visits, alternating so she travels one month, you do it the next month. Is your Mum okay and are things okay in her relationship? Her expectations sees odd.

zippydoodaar · 19/08/2017 11:06

Doesn't seem to comprehend that you might be tired too? Hmm

HebeJeeby · 19/08/2017 11:11

My parents are the same, except I've stopped visiting them now. Dad makes whistful comments about not having seen dd in ages but I just say they are welcome to come and visit (they are retired, we work) and they start backtracking and say can't just turn up etc.. I say they can call and ask to come on a certain date rt.. invited them over at a mad and was told "we'll see what the weather is like". I do appreciate they are elderly and it's a 3 hour drive each way but there is a bed for them here; however, I lose all sympathy when they don't when I hear they've been on holiday in Northumberland which is a 6 hour drive for them.

I feel sad that my parents can't be bothered but it is how it is. I've now decided to stop inviting them (again) as it hurts when they keep refusing.

teaandtoast · 19/08/2017 11:15

You're too soft on her! Meant in a kindly way.

What about your need to have time at home with your family?

I can see her point in moving, at her age. She's made a choice for the next phase of her life, but she's not entitled to drag you and your family along with it. Do you think her long term goal is to guilt you into moving near her? After all, there's a BEACH!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2017 11:17

OH bugger the guilt tripping! Don't let her get to you. If she knows you're not meant to be coming, what's she getting in special treats for? She knows your soft as melted butter and she can put on over on you just like that, that's why she keeps doing it.

Stand firm!