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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect my mum to travel to me..just sometimes?!?

86 replies

Felicitychipmunkx · 18/08/2017 19:40

I'm very close to my mum and always lived pretty local until last January when she decided to move to the coast with my stepfather.
I was happy for her as she was living in inner London and never really liked to noise or busyness although the move meant she left a long standing career and is now working long shifts as a carer, 5 days a week 8 hour shifts.
My children are 7,4 and 3 and every second weekend we make the 2 hour drive to the coast to visit her.
We can't really stay in her cottage for the day as its tiny so end up picking her and stap father up, going out for the day, which she often does pay for however I don't like her feeling obliged ( but equally I can't afford to fund this )
She doesn't drive and never offers to come to visit us even though I live directly opposite the train station so after a train journey she only has to cross a road.
I understand a 2 hour train journey isn't ideal but I don't think at age 60 it's unreasonable to do this journey every month or even every second?
I don't think she has a clue how hard it is to do that sort of drive with 3 kids and it was a massive deal when I went down to once a fortnight instead of once a week but we were all just exhausted from it.
I work 4 days a week so only have 1 day in the week to sort anything out and even then I have my 3 year old so weekends are precious.
I'm seriously considering upping and just moving near her as I don't think this is going to change.
The issue is we would be giving up a council home and going into private rented accommodation which terrifies me with children as I know how unstable it can be after doing it for many years.
I'm an only child so there's not really anyone to pass this by other than friends who all seem to live pretty local to their parents so it doesn't really matter who does the travel.
Thanks for any opinions as feeling quite down about this!

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 19/08/2017 11:24

I don't see my DM as often as that and we live in the same city! We see my MIL every 3/4 months; she lives a 3 hour drive from us. She comes to stay with us mostly because it's not possible for her to put us all up (DH, me and our 2 DDs) because of all her clutter. She stays for 4/5 days, and travels by coach. Is this something your DM could do? Coaches are cheap!

Definitely once a fortnight is OTT, and unfair on you and your DCs, who could be doing activities like gymnastics/ballet and having play dates.

Less frequent visits and longer stays would be my suggestion. Your DM would probably be willing to travel if you didn't go and visit her so often.

CecilyP · 19/08/2017 11:31

I really do understand she is tired and I don't expect her to do the journey more than once a month

Yes she sounds as if she has a tiring job but sitting on a train for 51 minutes each way is not tiring at all! Quite relaxing actually! Whereas driving for a 4 hour round trip with 3 kids in the car sounds exhausting, not just the driving but the strapping and unstrapping and keeping them entertained. She is being ver selfish, so don't let her guilt trip you. I would just say you are cutting down to every 4 weeks and if she wants to come up in between, she is welcome.

Mittens1969 · 19/08/2017 11:33

She's definitely unreasonable to ask if you could turn down party invitations for your DCs. She could come to you when there's a party invitation. There are two of you, so one of you could do the ferrying around to parties/ activities.

dolcezza99 · 19/08/2017 11:39

Honestly, I think this degree of closeness to parents to the extent of putting yourself out every single week is unnatural for grown adults. Once a month, or even every other two or three, is plenty.

CruCru · 19/08/2017 11:43

I actually think that before anything else, you need to change your mindset. You sound as though you feel that you are trapped - you think that you have an obligation to do this once a weekend.

I think you are going to need to develop a thicker skin. Messages like "REally missing the kids" etc need to roll off you. Alternatively, tell her that you aren't going to respond to guilt tripping - you can only come once a month / every other month and that is that.

However, only you know what would work for your relationship.

I can't remember whether you have said you have any siblings - if so, how often do they visit?

Mittens1969 · 19/08/2017 12:24

Texts like 'I'm missing the kids' are totally emotional blackmail btw. You really have to nip it in the bud.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/08/2017 12:34

Think of all the miles youre putting on the car; they add up quick! Will she be helping to pay for parts as they wear out, or a new car when repairs become more expensive than the cars worth?

GoodEyebrowDay · 19/08/2017 12:34

My mum only 30 minutes away & always has something to say about coming to us. And she'll never come alone!

Her belief is because she's the grandmother now everyone must pilgrimage to her like she did for her mother...

llangennith · 19/08/2017 12:35

You DM's age is no excuse for being selfish. It's not fair to you or your family to be taking them on a 4 hour round trip every two weeks. Of course you like to see your DM but if she wants to see you and her DGC she has to make an effort too.
Wean her off your fortnightly visits.

PNGirl · 19/08/2017 13:07

You need to transfer your feeling bad onto feeling bad about a 4hr round trip with tired and busy kids every other Saturday.

As for "Shame you couldn't come"... well, it needs to be an actual arrangement that you're not going rather than cancelling a few times with excuses.

RandomMess · 19/08/2017 13:17

Your Mum is a master of emotional blackmail!

Cut it down to every 3rd weekend and every time to guilt trips counter it with "you could always come here, the kids would love it"

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 19/08/2017 13:20

I'd not only cut it down to once a month at most, but I'd also not set in stone that you'll go, for e.g., the first weekend of every month. Allow yourself some flexibility.

MuddlingMackem · 19/08/2017 13:21

Her: "Ah, I'm missing the kids"

Your reply, on repeat: "Well, why don't you come down and see them?"

Don't let her blackmail you.

Joinourclub · 19/08/2017 13:30

Yes it is only fair that you should alternate who is doing the travelling. She is only 60 so not elderly at all and perfectly capable. If making the journey. If she won't travel every fortnight then you simply miss that visit out and see her the following fortnight when it's your turn.
Yes you want to be good to your mum but it's not fair on your kids making them do that journey so often. And it's not fair on your partner using much needed family funds to make the journey that often.

I'm afraid you are just going to have to develop a thicker skin and learn to shrug off the feelings of guilt. A visit once a month is more than most people manage.

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 19/08/2017 19:58

No she really doesn't seem to think I could be tired at all.
Even though I do tell her. Over and over again.
I'm at only child and she brought me up on her own until I was 10.
Weekends my stepfather works so I guess she gets lonely but again I'm not saying we are too busy to see her, just I can't be the one to do all the travelling:
I do think ultimately her hope was for us to also move to the seaside and now she's seen that hasn't happened she's slightly depressed maybe.
She also has a terrible tendency to undermine me with the kids, the 3 and 4 year old had a terrible spat and constant arguing in the park today in front of her and she just kept repeating what good kids they were ( as they were in time out! ) and asking them to tell her all about school and pre school.
She uses distraction rather than telling off which probably was very easy as she only had me, but with 3 children they do occasionally need a telling off and a consequence and she seems to think this is horrendous even though I'm probably one of the softest parents out of all the parents I know!

OP posts:

zippydoodaar · 19/08/2017 20:38

You're going to have to grow a thicker skin.

If you've seen her today then let her know you'll be back on 16 Sept. Yes, you love seeing her but you can't sustain all this travelling with working and three kids. You're knackered. Three children is hard work. Difficult to understand when you've only had experience of one child. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. When she starts talking about the 'kiddies' then cut the phone call short. "Yes, I know Mum but I need to go as there's someone at the door / Tarquin has just fallen over / I need to take the cake out of the oven / the cat has puked on the carpet." Just keep doing it until she gets the message.

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 07:41

Yes we go on holiday tomorrow for 10 days so the kids are all back to school the day after we are home so I'm going to text shortly and say hopefully she can visit us in September and see what she says to that.
It's very difficult when one of the younger ones behaviour is particularly bad and probably warrants going home but I'm stuck 2 hours away therefore find myself trying to pacify it rather than deal with it as to not ruin the day.

OP posts:

YellowLawn · 20/08/2017 07:50

She maintains family should always come first.

she has double standards hasn't she

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 07:54

I feel like she does yes

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2017 07:57

Well yes, she definitely does! What she means is "for YOU, I should come first; but when it comes to me, then I still come first"

Which is totally selfish and unfair.

sonjadog · 20/08/2017 08:43

Does she bring up looking after you alone for 10 years a lot? You know that wasn't your fault and you don't "owe" her for that, right? "Family first" is manipulative. "Family is important" is more moderate and I would say correct. The first is often used to manipulate others into doing one person's will.

Once a month would be plenty to visit.

Original poster

Felicitychipmunkx · 20/08/2017 09:08

I've messaged and recieved no response so she's probably annoyed now.
But I feel like I'm doing the best for the kids and that's what I have to do.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 20/08/2017 09:26

Well done. It´s hard to stand up to someone you love when you´ve always given in to their demands. She might sulk and pout about it for a while, but she´ll also get used to the new routine, and you will get your weekends back.

ElizabethShaw · 20/08/2017 09:47

Honestly I think once a month visits and you alternate one month going to her and one month her coming to you sounds ideal.

If she refuses to come to you, say what a shame, the kids will miss you.

RandomMess · 20/08/2017 10:32

I think you need to start labelling her behaviour and words, then in time label it to her.

You say she doesn't sulk but how do you know when you've never really stood up to her? Her emotional blackmail may get worse but stand firm.

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