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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she is wrong

69 replies

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:10

My friend was dating a man and after a month disclosed to him that she has a std that is long term (can't be cured) he has decided to end the relationship (she told him after a month) she is furious at him for ending the relationship. But I think he is within his rights to not want to continue with it. Is she being unreasonable or is he??

OP posts:

HughLauriesStubble · 18/08/2017 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkHeart5911 · 18/08/2017 16:12

I don't think his done anything wrong. He doesn't want to date someone that has an sti that can't be "cured" and I think that is fair enough!

Your friend is going to ha e to accept that the sti is going to bother some people.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 18/08/2017 16:13

Neither are being unreasonable.

He is allowed to end things, she is allowed to be upset that he ended things.

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:14

She's practically guilt tripping him into staying with her and asking other men if they would stay with someone that had it and if they say yes she's like look see other people will. But I am trying to tell her that everyone has there own limits.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 18/08/2017 16:14

Your friend is massively unreasonable. I honestly think not disclosing STIs to potential shagging partners however serious or otherwise is tantamount to assault. Yes I might be being hysterical but she could have honestly jeopardised his (sexual) health.

MyheartbelongstoG · 18/08/2017 16:15

Well done to your friend for being honest.

She must be hurt at the rejection.

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:18

They were using condoms and it was only when they had a slip up that she told him about it. He stayed with her for 4 more months but then recently she done the where is this going conversation with him and he basically told her he wouldn't be in a relationship with her because of it.

OP posts:

RhinoGirl · 18/08/2017 16:21

He stayed for another 4 months? Why has he decided to leave now?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 18/08/2017 16:22

So she told him four months ago but he has only recently decided he doesn't want to be with her? He is using it as an excuse in my opinion.

acatcalledjohn · 18/08/2017 16:25

He stayed for another 4 months? Why has he decided to leave now?

Perhaps he tried to deal with it, give it a place. But she broke his trust by having sex several times before telling him.

She is being unbelievably unreasonable to think that he is out of order for deciding she is untrustworthy after she put him at risk. Because realistically, would she have told him if they hadn't had a condom issue?

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:26

That's one of the reasons why she's mad. As he never mentioned it as a problem until she asked him where it's going. Hmm maybe it is an excuse but he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone he has to use condoms with because to him that's "massive" so he can't be in a relationship if he has to use them.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2017 16:27

Tbh, I'd dump someone immediately if they didn't tell me before we had sex.

acatcalledjohn · 18/08/2017 16:28

So she told him four months ago but he has only recently decided he doesn't want to be with her? He is using it as an excuse in my opinion.

Imagjne you have a cheating partner but they apologise and promise to never do it again, you give them another chance. After 4 months you realise that the trust has gone so you split up from/divorce them.

Is using the cheating an excuse in that case?

Of course it's not.

Anecdoche · 18/08/2017 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:32

Yes it's herpes

OP posts:

lunar1 · 18/08/2017 16:35

I think you should be able to report people who knowingly have sex, protected or not without declaring that they have an STI. She has no moral high ground here no matter how long he took to call things off.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2017 16:40

I also think that he's using it as an excuse, some people feel that they need one to end a relationship.

However, we've all got the right to decide what our deal breakers are, so she is BU.

Embarrassedemma · 18/08/2017 16:44

She did the right thing telling him and I can understand her upset as obviously she caught this from someone else somewhere along the line too! But she has to respect his decision and he just can't have been that interested in the relationship if this meant the end.

glitterfarts · 18/08/2017 16:46

Personally, I would also not be willing to have sex with someone with either herpes or hiv, nor any other chronic sti.

I'd be livid if I had not been told a partner had an STI before having sex, protected or not.

FuckYouLinda · 18/08/2017 16:47

She didn't tell him she had herpes, until they had a condom malfunction. That's pretty shit to do to someone, to only tell them after they've been exposed to a potentially lifelong STI.

But he forgave her or at least tried to get past it for another few months. But over those few months he's likely realised that it actually was a pretty big deal that he can't get past or trust her again.

He did nothing wrong. Your friend on the other hand, is awful.

Italiangreyhound · 18/08/2017 16:49

Any man and any woman can end any romantic or sexual relationship for any reason.

He doesn't need an excuse to end the relationship. So it doesn't really matter what he says. He doesn't want to be with her.

Letstryagainshallwe

"She's practically guilt tripping him into staying with her and asking other men if they would stay with someone that had it and if they say yes she's like look see other people will." She is 100% guilt tripping him. I hope he makes a swift exit, her behaviour is awful.

"I am trying to tell her that everyone has there own limits." of course the do and more to the point who would want to stay with someone on the basis that hypothetically someone else would!

PollyFlint · 18/08/2017 16:50

They were using condoms and it was only when they had a slip up that she told him about it.

They'd only been together for a month and they'd already had 'a slip-up' with condoms? That's really bloody careless.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. I can see why she's upset, but if she has an incurable long-term STD that requires condom use and even then they couldn't even manage one month without a 'slip-up' it's clearly a problem.

NomDePlumeReloaded · 18/08/2017 16:53

Condoms do not protect from herpes.

Lauralou69 · 18/08/2017 16:53

Isn't it only a risk to the other partner during a flare up? Which you'd know about?

Original poster

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:54

Well the guy has said more than once he no longer wants a relationship with her but she is pushing him saying he just needs more time, he will come round to it..

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