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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is wrong

69 replies

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:10

My friend was dating a man and after a month disclosed to him that she has a std that is long term (can't be cured) he has decided to end the relationship (she told him after a month) she is furious at him for ending the relationship. But I think he is within his rights to not want to continue with it. Is she being unreasonable or is he??

OP posts:
Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 16:55

She said she hasn't had an outbreak in over a year apparently.

OP posts:
emwithme · 18/08/2017 16:58

They'd only been together for a month and they'd already had 'a slip-up' with condoms? That's really bloody careless.

Possibly careless, possibly one of those things. Split condoms happen.

(Now) DH and I had a split condom after about a month together, so I took the MAP, which really doesn't agree with my system. It prompted us to have the "Do we want to be exclusive? Shall we go and get tested and then get rid of the condom issue altogether?" (And I got a coil fitted which did us for contraception until we started to TTC at the start of this year).

PollyFlint · 18/08/2017 16:59

Well the guy has said more than once he no longer wants a relationship with her but she is pushing him saying he just needs more time, he will come round to it..

Oh, ffs, herpes aren't even the issue here.

He doesn't love her. It's that simple.

She can ask other people a million times if they would be prepared to stay with their partners if they had herpes and they might say yes, but that's because they feel differently about their partners to the way this man feels about her. He liked her, but not enough to get over this particularly issue. To quote Sex & The City, "he's just not that into her".

And he's more than entitled to feel that way. She can't force him to love her. She needs to muster up some dignity and move on.

NomDePlumeReloaded · 18/08/2017 16:59

Large numbers people infected with HSV can be asymptomatic and may not know. HSV1 ('cold sores') can also present genitally. HSV2 (genital) can also prevent around the mouth. It is not necessarily a disease of the promiscuous.

She is within her rights to end the relationship for non-disclosure and should get herself screened at her local sexual health clinic but maybe it is time to break down some of the stigma around sexual health?

Pantryboy · 18/08/2017 17:02

She is being unreasonable.
Good on her for telling the person
but .....you can't blame ppl for not wanting to go there can you?

PollyFlint · 18/08/2017 17:02

emwithme Ah, OK - I wasn't thinking of a 'slip-up' as meaning a split condom, I took it to mean they got carried away and didn't use one. But yes, fair enough, if it was a split condom that can obviously happen. (And I'm glad you got sorted, by the way - good luck with TTC.)

Thegrumpos · 18/08/2017 17:02

Firstly condoms do not protect from herpes and also it is very very unlikely you can pass it on when there is no flare up.
I don't think she is evil or awful for not telling him, some people contract it in their teenage years - are they still going to be telling potential partners in their 40s if they've only ever had one flare up 20 years before - just a simple example of why I can understand it isn't always full disclosure at all times!
That said, she's upset as she feels rejected. It's understandable, if he is not happy being with someone because they have a (fairly minor) sti - yeaaaah it's lifelong but in the scheme of things it's not the worst thing in the world then maybe he's not the man she would want anyway.
Silly mistake, she can learn and move forward hopefully

Pengggwn · 18/08/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hedgebitch · 18/08/2017 17:05

I didn't think condoms protected against herpes anyway. Herpes is spread by contact with sores, and sores typically appear on the outer genitalia, don't they? So no outbreak equals no infection, and if she has an outbreak they'd need a barrier between him and the actual sore - which a condom wouldn't help with.

Either I'm gravely misremembering sex ed, or they both need to read up on safe sex.

Dina1234 · 18/08/2017 17:07

It's his choice. You haven't disclosed whether they had done the de d but I knuw that if a man with a known std had slept with me (even with a condom) without disclosing it beforehand I would be running for the hills, and potentially be calling my lawyer.

hedgebitch · 18/08/2017 17:08

But back on topic - he gets to break up with her for any reason at all. She gets to be sad about it, of course, but not to try and guilt him into getting back together with her. They've only been together a few months, for heaven's sake - I'm sure it's gutting but it's not like the end of a marriage.

NomDePlumeReloaded · 18/08/2017 17:08

Sorry, i misread the thread re he/she. He is not unreasonable to want to discontinue the relationship on grounds of trust/non-disclosure and should get himself checked out. Your friend needs to be aware that condoms do not protect her partners from HSV. If she is unsure about how to have sex safely with HSV then she can visit her local sexual health clinic for advice.

OnionKnight · 18/08/2017 17:09

She's being U and she needs to grow the fuck up and stop trying to guilt trip him.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 17:19

I've already told her you can catch it with condoms but I don't think she wants to tell him as then in her mind he is even less likely to "come round to it"

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Lauralou69 · 18/08/2017 17:23

She's being a bit if a dick tbh, it was a 4 week relationship!!! And she should have been honest from day 1. Personally I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was Hiv +, my body, my choice. But herpes is usually not that big a deal for most people. Still, his body his choice. If she had been honest from the start it would have been better.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/08/2017 17:36

I couldnt get into a relationship with someone i knew had herpes. If a friendship has progressed to the point of becoming a relationship, id expect to be told they had herpes BEFORE we comitted to a relationship. I would then apologetically decline starting a relationship, as im not willing to expose myself to such an illness. Especially when certain strains are the majority cause of cervical cancer. I would expect to be told someone had oral herpes before they ever kissed me too, regardless how long since they last had an outbreak.
Tbh exposing someone to herpes without their knowledge or consent should be considered assault, like it is to have unprotected sex with someone if you know you have HIV or hepatitis. Condoms dont protect from herpes so shes exposed him, even if it is incredibly unlikely to be contagious without actual sores present shes majorly crossed the line.

MollyHopps · 18/08/2017 17:37

What the fuck?

Your friend knowingly had sex with another person, without disclosing to them that she had an STD?

She has absolutely no wright to be badgering him right now, about anything. In fact if I was him I would be livid and cutting off all contact with her!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2017 17:39

Your friend is a HORRIBLE person. End of story. She had sex with him without informing him of her condition! That is inexcusable and unforgivable. I could never be friends with the likes of her.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 17:39

Oh that reminds me. That's another point she made to him. She asks if he would break up with someone who had cold sores cause "it's the same thing"

OP posts:
hedgebitch · 18/08/2017 17:43

I've already told her you can catch it with condoms but I don't think she wants to tell him as then in her mind he is even less likely to "come round to it"

Fucking hell. I don't think I could be friends with the person, to be honest. She doesn't give a shit about his health, his boundaries or his comfort. I hope he runs far away from her.

tangledup123 · 18/08/2017 17:52

I've already told her you can catch it with condoms but I don't think she wants to tell him as then in her mind he is even less likely to "come round to it"

She sounds lovely.

It should be a criminal offence to have sex with someone without disclosing your STD status. Usher is currently being sued for (allegedly) not telling his sexual partners he has herpes: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4768068/Woman-suing-Usher-not-telling-herpes.html

x2boys · 18/08/2017 18:23

It's nothing to do with the std he was happy to sleep with her for another four months untill she wanted to know where the relationship was going he clearly doesn't feel the same way about her you can't make someone love you.

twattymctwatterson · 18/08/2017 18:42

Op you actually sound like you have a lot of distain for your friend. Cold sores are a form of Herpes btw

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 18:42

Not heard about the usher case off to read it!

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AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/08/2017 18:45

Its not 'the same thing as coldsores' its a different strain of the virus and its on your genitals which will be much more uncomfortable, ang whilst admittedly i dont know if there is an increased cancer risk for men there is for wonen.