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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my DH he's too needy?

71 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:23

Will try to keep this short - this time last year I found out that my financially controlling DH had made a mess of our company and landed us in a pile of debt. We had to move house, sell stuff and figure out how to dig ourselves out.

The last year has been tough, I slept on the sofa quite a bit, am now in the bed but sex is off the table. I don't trust him with money any more and also don't trust his judgement / decision making anymore so rebuilding our relationship has been a slow progress.

He feels that a year on with the financial side of things improving, we should be "getting back on track" and wants kissing, cuddling and ultimately sex to start up again.

I'm not in this space yet (don't know if I'll ever be) but he is now constantly trying to kiss me, hug me, offering massages and takes it very personally when I say no thank you. It's become a constant of him looking for physical contact and me rejecting his advances.

We have talked a lot over the last year but he's always been pushing for us to get back on track. I slept on the sofa last night after a lovely night out together because I just wanted a bit of personal space, he was very affronted and now wants to talk tonight.

Can I tell him his neediness is actually turning me off massively and I hate the constant guilt trip I'm getting for not wanting a snog?

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 18/08/2017 12:26

Honestly, it sounds like your relationship has reached the end of the line. Is there a reason why separation is off the table?

becotide · 18/08/2017 12:28

He wants to sex you, you don't like him any more. You should probably split up.

Nikephorus · 18/08/2017 12:28

It doesn't strike me as neediness, more that he wants affection & sex again. But like HeyRoly I do wonder if your relationship has a future.

Alittlepotofrosie · 18/08/2017 12:29

Sounds like your relationship is dead to be honest. When do you envisage getting back the intimacy? He's making an effort in the only way he knows how. If you dont want to be intimate with him again then end the relationship.

Of course you could just end it because he's financially controlling.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:29

Hi Roley, you could be right. I can't afford to separate at the moment - due to the financial mess my DH landed us in.

OP posts:
Siwdmae · 18/08/2017 12:30

When was the last time you had sex? Is there any point in being with him?

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:30

He's not financially controlling anymore, I won't let it happen.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 12:31

TBH, if its been a year without sex, affection or closeness, your marriage is stone cold dead, isn't it? He's looking for you to act as his wife and you are not interested in any way. And that's fine, that is your choice, you don't have to do a single thing you don't want to do....but how long are you going to keep stringing him along?

You don't want the same things. If you haven't kissed him in a year and don't seem to intend to, why not just bury the corpse and put the man out of his misery?

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:31

Can't remember the last time we had sex, prob at least 6 months ago. I'm staying with him for our kids and the fact that I can't afford to leave.

OP posts:
JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 12:32

If you don't see the physical issue changing then it's unfair on him to stay with him. Set that man free. If the reverse was the case, it would be awful to be married to a man who didn't want you near him. So hurtful. It may be needy, but it's a neediness of that magnitude because he isn't getting the right emotional feedback. It's sad. I do get why you feel that way, but it isn't a tenable situation. You need to move on or ship out.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 12:33

This sounds bad OP. You sound like you don't even love him to be honest.

From what you have said, your relationship has little chance of a future.

whitershadeofpale · 18/08/2017 12:36

But you're not staying with him really, you've checked out- you just haven't told him that yet. Therefore he's going to continue acting as if you're in a relationship that you're working on.

dollydaydream114 · 18/08/2017 12:37

I have to say that a year is a long time for a relationship to be entirely without affection and I have some sympathy for him if he is genuinely trying to get your marriage back on track. If you can't honestly say you'll ever want a physical relationship with him again, I do think you need to consider your options. I would never defend his financial fuck-ups and you obviously shouldn't feel pressured into sex for any reason, but I would be hurt if I was living in a relationship with no affection. If you can't even bear to kiss or cuddle him, is there really a future here?

Alittlepotofrosie · 18/08/2017 12:37

I think you're behaving abysmally. If you dont want to be married to him then do the decent thing and leave him. "Staying together for the kids" is a crock of shite. What you're doing is modelling a relationship where their mother rejects every attempt from their father at affection. Not very healthy. Do you have a laugh with him? Get on as a team? Do random nice things for each other? Or are you cold when you talk to him as well?

Brahms3rdracket · 18/08/2017 12:41

For richer ir poorer - do you remember that promise? If you can't learn to forgive and work past this you need to separate and stop punishing your dh. I feel very sorry for him.

dollydaydream114 · 18/08/2017 12:41

I'm staying with him for our kids and the fact that I can't afford to leave.

Then I don't blame him for being upset/hurt, really. Whatever the reason for your marriage issues, at this point he is trying to restore a loving relationship and you're not; you don't love him or want him. He isn't being needy.

Rainybo · 18/08/2017 12:47

He isn't being needy. I think you're being quite controlling yourself actually by withholding sex and affection and stringing him along because you want to stay married on paper for financial reasons.

Time to put your big girl pants on and make a decision.

Badhairday1001 · 18/08/2017 12:47

Is it that you can't bring yourself to have any intimacy with him because you no longer find him attractive or that you are withholding intimacy to punish him for his behaviour? Either way it sounds like the relationship is in a very bad way. I think you should either tell him it's over so you can both move on or explain how you feel and go to counselling together to see if there is anything left.

ChocolateButton15 · 18/08/2017 12:51

You can't punish him forever. You either leave him regardless of the financial impact or you need to draw a line and move on. If you don't think you will be able to forgive and go back to normality it's time to end it

wrenika · 18/08/2017 12:52

It isn't neediness...he's just after some of the basic affection you'd expect in a relationship.
If your marriage is stone cold dead, then stop stringing the poor sod along and end it. Surely, as bad as being financially controlling is - you say an end has been put to that - well, being emotionally controlling is just as bad, which is how this comes across. Not a scrap of affection, no matter what. That's controlling behaviour.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 12:52

This sounds to me as if it's all about OP feeling steamrollered by her OH's selfishness insistence that everything has to be done his way. Being financially controlling is dick behaviour. Unilaterally buggering up the family finances is dick behaviour. Putting OP in a position where she has to make a lot of sacrifices to haul things back on track is not very sexy.

Now OP is being steamrollered into switching the intimacy back on in accordance with her OH's timetable, at a time when she clearly doesn't feel that the last lot of steamrollering (and its hideous consequences) have been properly acknowledged and made up for.

The OH also needs to do some work to regain OP's respect before he can expect her to find him sexy again. Nagging her for sex isn't really going to help with that.

OP I don't blame you for feeling pissed off. Have you had it with him, or might relationship counselling help?

PoorYorick · 18/08/2017 12:53

You're certainly not obliged to have sex with him but if you don't want to, don't care how he feels about it and don't see it ever ending, then I'm not sure what there is left to save. If you're determined to stay together for the kids and what financial security there is, perhaps you should both agree the marriage is over in all but the legalities and be free to see other people.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:54

I think I agree with you Badhairday, I have suggested we go to counselling (again). We first went when he was treating me / talking to me with very little respect. Then we went back to counselling when I found out what had happened with the company and that he'd lied to me for years re our financial situation. Looks like we're going to have to go back again to see now that the dust has settled a bit if there's anything left to salvage.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/08/2017 12:55

You are just as controlling and abusive as he was! He hid financial issues controlled finances and abused your trust he was taking care of things. Youre hiding the fact you dont love or want him, are witholding all affection to punish him and because you dont want him and abusing his trust in you that youre working on the relationship and have a future.

Of course nobody should be forced to have sex etc BUT this isnt just you sometimes not being in the mood, you have spent months witholding all forms of affection and that IS abusive, youre leading him on that your relationship has a future when you cant wait to get out.

You can still live in the same house and be separated. You need to tell him the relationship is over and you/he will be moving out once you can afford to. Be honest and put him out of his misery instead of stringing him along to punish him.

Borodin · 18/08/2017 12:56

This sounds rather odd to me. The relationship is way more important than any money issues, and it's in times of hardship that you need to support one another.

I'm sure it wasn't his manly skill with money that made you fancy him and want a physical relationship, and I doubt if he messed up on purpose, so why are you withholding sex? It really sounds as though you're angry with his incompetence and are determined to punish him.

Had you thought that perhaps he wasn't so much "controlling" with the money, but felt he had no other way of contributing to the family. Are you controlling with the household and the children? Rejecting him after "a lovely night out" seems very cruel and unnecessary, and if you carry on this way your actions will destroy what there is left of the relationship. It's not appropriate to do exactly what you like all the time in a marriage, and I am sure that if you showed a little affection then the feelings would follow.