AIBU to tell my DH he's too needy?

[TiredMumToTwo]

Will try to keep this short - this time last year I found out that my financially controlling DH had made a mess of our company and landed us in a pile of debt. We had to move house, sell stuff and figure out how to dig ourselves out.

The last year has been tough, I slept on the sofa quite a bit, am now in the bed but sex is off the table. I don't trust him with money any more and also don't trust his judgement / decision making anymore so rebuilding our relationship has been a slow progress.

He feels that a year on with the financial side of things improving, we should be "getting back on track" and wants kissing, cuddling and ultimately sex to start up again.

I'm not in this space yet (don't know if I'll ever be) but he is now constantly trying to kiss me, hug me, offering massages and takes it very personally when I say no thank you. It's become a constant of him looking for physical contact and me rejecting his advances.

We have talked a lot over the last year but he's always been pushing for us to get back on track. I slept on the sofa last night after a lovely night out together because I just wanted a bit of personal space, he was very affronted and now wants to talk tonight.

Can I tell him his neediness is actually turning me off massively and I hate the constant guilt trip I'm getting for not wanting a snog?

its not controlling or abusive to not want to have sex with somebody

I think Yabu. You say your Dh isn't financially controlling any more and you have talked.
A year without any sort of intimate relationship is a bit harsh and it sounds like you're being controlling now.
I think you need to talk with your Dh again and tell him exactly how your feeling. Try and sort things out but if you can't then maybe you should leave

its not controlling or abusive to not want to have sex with somebody

No. And its not controlling or abusive to want to be intimate with your spouse, either.

I don't think it's fair to stay with him when you clearly don't have feelings for him anymore.

Yes, he screwed up and by all means, end the relationship as a result of that, but it's really not fair to stay with him and make him think your relationship stands a chance when it doesn't.

I was in a relationship where my partner showed no interest in the physical side of things and it was really painful. I felt so used and unattractive. We ultimately split for other reasons but I think that made getting over him a lot easier than it would have done otherwise - the constant rejection killed a lot of my feelings for him, if I'm honest.

You need to make up your mind - either stay with him and focus on rebuilding that trust and intimacy, or accept that his fuck ups has meant it's over, and split up so you can both move on.

Sorry OP but it sounds like you should split up. Maybe you'd both be happier. I can't blame you for not fancying him. All that and I'd be long gone.

I think a massive part of not wanting to be intimate with him is I just don't trust him anymore - with pretty much anything. Surely a big part of being intimate is trusting the person you are making yourself vulnerable to?

its not controlling or abusive to not want to have sex with somebody

No, but it isn't very nice to constantly reject your partner - six months without sex is a long time when there's no physical issues going on, and I don't think many people would be happy in a relationship filled with constant rejections.

Why are you with him if you don't trust him? It's not fair on either of you.

this is hopeless OP, you might get some more measured responses if you tried posting in the Relationships topic instead

What would he need to do to reestablish your trust OP?

I was trying to rebuild the relationship slowly after a massive breakdown of trust. I have been focusing on keeping the family afloat, move house, sell my car and sort out how to start paying down our debt. I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water and wanted to let the dust settle before making any life changing decisions (for all of us). Well I'm here now & trying to figure out what to do.

Think you're right Ghengis- thanks.

Yes, many women, including me, need the trust there in order to be intimate.

I too think you are at the end of the road on your marriage.

Some very sensible replies here.

Why do you need to go to counselling to see if there's anything worth salvaging? A stranger isn't going to be able to fix this for you. Or, as I suspect you want, drag a suitable amount of contrition out of him so you can finally view him as a human being of equal value to you.

Either you love him or you don't. Withholding all affection from him deliberately to punish him, including even giving him a cuddle, is cruel. It's been a year. Shit or get off the pot.

Sometimes trust can't be reestablished, IMO. That's how it works for me anyway. Once it's gone, it's gone - you can't will it back into existence.

Nobody is criticising you for not wanting to be intimate really - they're just saying if you don't trust him and want to be with him that way, it's unfair to keep stringing him along.

If you don't trust him, you can break up with him. You don't need to keep trying for anyone's sake. You're clearly not happy, so leave. I don't think you'll ever be able to trust a man who fucked up the way he did, so there's no point dragging things out for anyone.

I think a massive part of not wanting to be intimate with him is I just don't trust him anymore - with pretty much anything. Surely a big part of being intimate is trusting the person you are making yourself vulnerable to?

Absolutely right. But it's been a year and nothing has changed.You don't appear to have rebuilt any kind of relationship.

You are just as controlling and abusive as he was!

I agree. Nobody is getting what they need out of this marriage - least of all the kids.

yy to Caffeinestream at 13:02. Sexless marriage was for me, soul-destroying - it was horrific on my already low self-esteem and it pervaded several aspects of my life.

It must be very tough at the minute but i agree with a lot of posters and wonder when will you have forgiven him or trust him sufficiently to want to have sex with him again. I mean in the sense of a timescale you can both work towards?

WhatWouldGenghisDo

its not controlling or abusive to not want to have sex with somebody

Affection and sex are an expected part of a marriage. If either partner can't face the idea then of course they shouldn't feel obliged, but there's no regret from the OP here and it seems to be implicit that the husband can't expect any sex if he messed up the finances.

That's very wrong, and it's much more likely that this is one very long punishment for his incompetence disguised as wanting "a bit of personal space". I'm sure the OP could have forfeited that "personal space" just as easily as the husband could go without physical intimacy for yet another day.

She is being horribly cruel and very unreasonable.

What has he done to restore the trust? You've taken control of the finances, you won't let him be financially controlling anymore etc. So he now thinks everything is okay, but it's not. He's just gone along for the ride, letting you fix things up.

What has HE done to fix any of it up? What has he done for you? What has he done to show you that he realises what a fuckwit he was? What physical, emotional, mental effort has he undertaken? Anything at all? Or did he just duck down, let you get on with fixing it, and hoped it would all blow over eventually and he wouldn't have to actually do any of the hard work about it?

Because it sounds as though he thinks that time will fix all, rather than any actual effort on his part.

I would worry if you try to leave he would do something that made it difficult for you to leave
His initial financial fuck up has had the effect of tying you to him because you can't afford to leave

You can't rebuild your marriage if you refuse to be intimate. It sounds to me as though you are refusing sex as a form of punishment.

This is my second marriage and one thing I am still very proud of is how I know I tried absolutely everything to make my first marriage work. I think I feel that I haven't done enough to walk away from this one as well. We are due to go away for a weekend in a couple of weeks so I think I might be intimate then whether I'm particularly feeling it or not just to see if I can reignite anything that might still be there.

might not be financially controlling you anymore but he is trying to control you but guilt tripping you sulking etc