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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my DH he's too needy?

71 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 12:23

Will try to keep this short - this time last year I found out that my financially controlling DH had made a mess of our company and landed us in a pile of debt. We had to move house, sell stuff and figure out how to dig ourselves out.

The last year has been tough, I slept on the sofa quite a bit, am now in the bed but sex is off the table. I don't trust him with money any more and also don't trust his judgement / decision making anymore so rebuilding our relationship has been a slow progress.

He feels that a year on with the financial side of things improving, we should be "getting back on track" and wants kissing, cuddling and ultimately sex to start up again.

I'm not in this space yet (don't know if I'll ever be) but he is now constantly trying to kiss me, hug me, offering massages and takes it very personally when I say no thank you. It's become a constant of him looking for physical contact and me rejecting his advances.

We have talked a lot over the last year but he's always been pushing for us to get back on track. I slept on the sofa last night after a lovely night out together because I just wanted a bit of personal space, he was very affronted and now wants to talk tonight.

Can I tell him his neediness is actually turning me off massively and I hate the constant guilt trip I'm getting for not wanting a snog?

OP posts:

Crowdo · 18/08/2017 13:20

You think you might isn't enough. You have to make a proper commitment to getting back to normal or you're not being fair in continuing a relationship with him.

caffeinestream · 18/08/2017 13:21

That sounds awful OP, I'm sorry. It just sounds so clinical and like you're doing some scientific experiment.

Your posts towards him are so...cold. There's clearly no trust or love there anymore, so why drag it out? You don't need to prove to anyone that you tried everything to make it work. He fucked up massively - you can leave if you want. It's okay to have had enough.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 13:23

What TalkinBoutNuthin said

PollyFlint · 18/08/2017 13:25

its not controlling or abusive to not want to have sex with somebody

I agree, those are not the right words for what the OP is doing. But there does come a point where, if you can't bring yourself to give your partner any affection at all and don't know if you ever will, you have to be honest with them and bring the relationship to end instead of continually rejecting them and calling them 'needy' for trying to make the relationship work again.

I'm not defending the OP's partner at all; he behaved badly. But if the OP really can't forgive him (and I'm not saying she should) then something needs to be done. I'd say the only options are counselling or divorce. What they've got now is a horrible stalemate which isn't fair on anyone.

KimmySchmidt1 · 18/08/2017 13:29

that's not needy, its horny. Is he too horny? Well if he hasn't had sex in a year you can't blame him for trying.

TiredofITall1 · 18/08/2017 13:35

I think the less you are intimate the less you feel like being intimate.

If you really want to see if you can re-ignite then perhaps reintroduce the intimacy little by little. Start by getting back in the bed. Agree before hand that you are happy to kiss and cuddle but at this stage don't take it any further and see if that helps. If you can't stand the kissing and cuddling then yes you really need to move on.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 13:37

Perhaps the oh needs to put a bit more effort into wooing op with lovely evenings and the like without cancelling out all the positivity by expecting immediate payback?

Original poster

TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 13:40

the kissing is putting me off, that's the problem. I think he just wants to get back in the sack & we can put everything behind us but I don't feel like that, my whole future has changed because of what he did and how he lied about it for so long. I feel I was made a fool of for believing in everything - like our life before was a sham. Not to mention that we were already in therapy for the way he was treating me before all this shit happened.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 18/08/2017 13:44

Do you work, OP?

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 13:44

what would be your ideal outcome? If money wasn't an issue?

Mittens1969 · 18/08/2017 13:46

I think it would be a good idea to go to Relate? Then you can both talk things through in a controlled setting, with a trained therapist. It may be that the conclusion will be that there is no future, but at least you'll both know that you've achieved closure, hopefully.

Certainly things can't go on as they are.

Original poster

TiredMumToTwo · 18/08/2017 13:48

Yes, Relate is where we've been before. I work full time. Ideal outcome is that we have a secure house, no debt and a loving relationship but I can't see any of those happening at the moment.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 18/08/2017 13:49

Sorry, should have read the whole thread once again! If you've been through therapy there probably is no going back.

It does sound as if you've gone as far as you can and it's time to split up.

BTPlonker · 18/08/2017 13:51

It sounds like it is over. From what you have said he has behaved appallingly, and you, understandably can't forgive. If that is the case you need to start planning a way to leave. It may take a while, but there is no point in carrying on in a relationship that is making no one happy. You may be financially worse off in the short term if you leave, but at least you know the rug won't be pulled from under you again.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 13:58

If you want things to work, I think you are right to suggest a frank conversation explaining that the pressure is making things worse. Perhaps you could suggest some things he could do that would help strengthen your trust and the relationship in general before you start working on the sex? Talking / listening, going out together, doing shared activities?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 18/08/2017 14:01

I think OP wants to start afresh and her husband wants to resume where it was left, except that he was abusive and disrespectful so I don't blame you OP for wanting a new start.
He needs to understand that he has to change and gain your trust first.

midnightmisssuki · 18/08/2017 14:07

sorry about your situation OP - but i think you have given up already. I honestly cannot see this relationship working because you are so bitter about everything (and of course - its your right to be) but withholding sex and then labelling him needy is very mean. Also, saying you're going to be 'intimate' at a holiday in a few weeks just to try and see if theres anything left is very clinical - he's not some science experiment.

I think you should do yourself and him a favour, have a conversation and end things amicably - it doesn't sound (to me) that you're heart is in it anymore - seems you're just there because you have kids together.

Good luck OP.

confusedandemployed · 18/08/2017 14:10

I think this marriage is over too OP.

Blame is irrelevant: you have no trust because of his actions, he has no intimacy/affection because of yours. Makes not a jot of difference who started it.

If you think that there is any chance at all that you could trust him again (and, following on from that, that you would even want to have sex with him again) then it's worth giving counselling a go. Otherwise, set each other free.

Do you fancy him? I ask because something similar happened in my marriage. For a very specific reason I lost all respect for my DH and all the attraction went as well, and never came back. We're separated now and both so much happier - and co-parent on extremely good terms.

TiredofITall1 · 18/08/2017 14:53

So is the kissing putting you off because you think he will automatically assume that it will lead on to other things?

StormTreader · 18/08/2017 14:56

Is there anything he can do to regain your trust? Because if the answer is "no" then you need to tell him the marriage is over.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 18/08/2017 16:24

He feels that a year on with the financial side of things improving, we should be "getting back on track"

You've made an awful lot of sacrifices to get the family out of the financial disaster that HE created. What has he done, apart from moving house which it sounds like you had no choice over and again was his fault not yours. I'm concerned that 'the financial side of things improving' has been only you actually doing anything. In which case he has no right whatsoever to think that things should be getting back on track.

If that's the case you would be better leaving him. You may still have a responsibility for the debts as you were married. What was the legal status of the business - sole trader, limited company? And did you have any official role in it? If you didn't, a solicitor will advise you on getting out without having to keep being responsible for the business debts. But at least you wouldn't have the added pressure of him thinking that things are all back to normal and tickety boo by now and that he can forget all about it.

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