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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is DH? Petty argument over a suitcase!!

93 replies

Flymetothemooooooon · 17/08/2017 20:49

This is going to sound ridiculous but anyway, here goes.

My husband is off for a weekend away with friends tomorrow. He's flying with Ryanair.

A few days ago I googled the cabin measurements and went to check if his cabin bag would fall within the measurements.

He told me he'd fly with Ryanair before a few years ago and the case fits. I said I'd just check it anyway because money is VERY tight and I wanted to make sure he wouldn't be charged anything at the airport as we really can't afford the extra cost. I thought that if I measured it a few days before, he'd have a chance to sort an alternative or borrow from someone.

He said that he knew it would fit and he wanted me to trust him on this and not measure the case. I knew if I measured it, he'd be upset, so I didn't do it there and then.

Anyway, he leaves tomorrow so I just popped upstairs with the measuring tape and checked it. Turns out it will fit, but only if he doesn't over fill the case, if that makes sense.

I went downstairs and told him and now he's upset that I didn't trust him when he told me it would fit.

I think this is all so petty, he doesn't work for the airline so how does he even know if their cabin sizes could have changed. It's not an issue of whether I trust him or not. Unless he's checked the cabin measurements in real time, how can he catagorically say the case fits?

I just feel it's wrong of him to make out like me checking the size means that I don't trust him.

Sorry, I fully appreciate how petty this all is. We don't often disagree but typically, we've somehow really butt heads over this.

Hoping you guys will be the voice of reason Grin

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 17/08/2017 21:25

I agree with voiceofreason - you had to be right

Unless its the sort of case with expanding zips he would be able to squish it into the measuring stand.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 21:27

Well, there is money to spend and money to save and then money to throw down the drain because you wouldn't let your wife check the bag. They may have budgeted for one and two, but just because they havent budged for three doesnt mean he shouldn't be allowed to fly.

3luckystars · 17/08/2017 21:29

Why did you tell him you checked.?

It's ok that you checked, we are all a bit nuts when stressed but I cannot understand why you told him, it benefitted neither of you.

I hope your money worries end soon, good luck x

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 21:29

so, even though I dont think YWBU I think this probably isnt about the bag and perhaps he feels you making a stink about the money and the bag is really about you making a stink about the trip.

Or maybe hes just stressed about the trip (you say he would have canceled if he could) and taking it out on you and the bag.

Gazelda · 17/08/2017 21:29

OP, does your DH agree that an extra expense this month (e.g. an airport fine) would throw the month into financial catastrophe? Does he see things as seriously as you? Is he a spender and you more cautious? Have there been other arguments about finances?

monkeywithacowface · 17/08/2017 21:30

Normally I would say you were wrong to not just let him get on with it but it is obvious from your posts that money is a big stress factor right now and you are clearly anxious about it.

How is he generally with money?

HeddaGarbled · 17/08/2017 21:33

As always with these things, this argument is about more than you meauring the suitcase.

You: I'm incredibly worried about money and I don't think you are taking it seriously enough. If you have made a mistake, you will be selfish and make us all suffer, especially me, rather than take the consequences purely upon yourself.

Him: I expressly asked you not to interfere but you deliberately did it even though you knew I would be upset about it. You think I'm stupid and incapable which is hurtful and demeaning.

Sunbeam18 · 17/08/2017 21:35

This is why I couldn't bear totally sharing finances with someone

Littlepond · 17/08/2017 21:37

I don't think the suitcase is really the issue here but more the burden of financial management that seems to fall all on you. Why is it your job to make sure he doesn't overspend? Why is it not his job to manage his own money for his trip - surely an airport fine just means less drinking / eating out / whatever he has already budgeted for?

I can see why he is annoyed but I'd worry more about the imbalance of managing finances in your relationship to be honest. It sounds tough (and I know what it's like to be on a tight budget) but managing money is something you both need to do together and be on the same page about. Otherwise resentment builds up.

supermoon100 · 17/08/2017 21:38

I totally share finances but there is no way I would have anything to do with my dhs luggage. That's mad!

Original poster
Flymetothemooooooon · 17/08/2017 21:43

hedda your post is 100% correct.

OP posts:
FeelingAggrieved · 17/08/2017 21:43

It's not about trust though is it. As you said, how could he categorically say that it would fit and that the sizes haven't changed since he last flew with them? You'd be financially screwed if it was a little bit over so why would he not want to check?! I can see both sides, but it's nothing worth arguing over.

DorisDangleberry · 17/08/2017 21:43

Do you normally have trust issues?

EustaciaPieface · 17/08/2017 21:44

I am paranoid about airline charges (have suffered over the years) and recent,y flew with Ryanair and just in time realised they have smaller cabin requirements than almost everyone else (52cm rather than standard 55cm). OH would never think to check,so totally with you OP! But OH would appreciate my help as he can't bothered with stuff like that! Feel for you xxx

Original poster
Flymetothemooooooon · 17/08/2017 21:45

Doris, we have no trust issues. I don't see this as a matter of trust anyway. I believe him that the case fitted last time.

OP posts:
Hulder · 17/08/2017 21:45

It's not an argument about a suitcase is it?

Purely on the suitcase front YABU and patronizing him (plus he can always be last on the plane and have it put in hold luggage so it doesn't matter anyway).

It's really an argument about you being skint and you feeling that he is not taking this as seriously as you are and possibly the whole weekend trip isn't affordable anyway?

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 17/08/2017 21:47

@Flymetothemooooooon I was just going to say @Hedda was making good sense. I'm sorry it's all got out of control. I would be really pissed off and patronised if my DH did it to me. Is there anyway you can chat to him to apologise and to get him to understand how anxious you are about it all?

I hope you can dig your way out of your financial hole soon Flowers.

cdtaylornats · 17/08/2017 21:49

Why did you tell him? That is the weird thing. He told you something, you pressed it, he said trust me. You didn't but rather than fight up front you went behind his back, measured it and then told him that you didn't trust him but he was right and then you didn't apologise.

You were looking for a fight, now you've got one and are here looking for validation.

Sorry but you were being a bitch.

MudCity · 17/08/2017 21:55

This could be me and my DH. I would have no problem at all with anyone checking my case...I wouldn't feel belittled or patronised and would actually see it as someone trying to be supportive and saving me a fine.

My DH would be totally patronised by it and feel like I didn't trust him to get it right.

I guess we are all different and respond to different triggers. Feeling patronised is a huge trigger for my DH as it is for yours. I have different triggers which others may find just as difficult to understand!

I hope you manage to sort out your money situation. I can understand how stressful it is.

Fruitcocktail6 · 17/08/2017 21:55

I think YABU. I don't get involved in DPs planning for his trips away. Frankly, I don't care if his suitcase fits.

If he incurs a fine at the airport after refusing to check, then it absolutley shouldn't be a joint expense.

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/08/2017 21:55

To avoid panicking the OP, the Ryanair cabin bag limit is actually 55cm x 40cm x 20cm Eustacia and they're nowhere near as strict as they used to be. I have a case that is probably 55.5 cm and I've used it with them many times without issue.

Original poster
Flymetothemooooooon · 17/08/2017 21:56

In all honesty, my reason for wanting to check a few days ago was so we had time to sort a plan B. I left it when he asked me to. When I checked it tonight, it was knowing that we don't have a plan b and knowing that we don't have time to sort any alternative case. I stupidly didn't realise he'd still be annoyed if I checked it tonight. I know that sounds stupid but I genuinely didn't want to upset him. The reason I told him is because I wanted to let him know not to fill the case completely so as to avoid a fine.

OP posts:
joaner36 · 17/08/2017 22:00

We just flew Ryan air and no bags were checked & some were blatantly way bigger than stated in the allowance.

MudCity · 17/08/2017 22:00

I do get where you are coming from Fly....you are clearly anxious about your financial situation...probably more so than your DH. These issues become huge when we feel stressed.

Perhaps your anxiety over the case actually made him feel more stressed about the money situation too?

3luckystars · 17/08/2017 22:01

So not alone are you telling him what bag to take and measuring it, now you are telling him how to pack it too.
I am not trying to be mean because you seem really nice, but I think you sound very very stressed to be acting like this.
I think that's the problem and I just wanted to wish you well and I hope you are ok.