Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she's being off with me? Should I say something?

59 replies

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:02

Abyear ago I met a woman my age at a toddler group, who's DD was around the same age as DS. Although I have lots of lovely friends, none of them currently have children so having a 'mum friend' is something that appealed to me.
We clicked straight away, she seemed very 'normal' and down to earth, we had lots in common and swapped numbers etc.
For a while I'd say the correspondence between us was very equal, she would invite me out with the kids, even sometimes to things with her other friends who had kids, and I'd initiate play dates also. All good. I felt we became quite close and we arranged a night out the two of us, which we went on and had a really good night. Both got quite drunk and said how nice it was to meet a friend the same age who had a child the same age and who was so nice. We said that night we would arrange a night out with our DH's also. The day after we set a date for that night and that was that.
I then felt like she stopped speaking to me, and would take days to reply if I ever I messaged her and then the replied were only very brief. I didn't think much of it and assumed she was busy etc.
The night out with DHs came round and we went out, it had been organised by myself and I had to ask her if she was still up for it a few days earlier as I hadn't heard anything from her for weeks. But anyway, we all had a great night (I thought so anyway) and DH's got on well. We had a meal and chatted throughout, had laugh and all generally all got quite merry. Eventually DH and I left and they said they wouldn't be much behind us and all said bye etc. All seemed well.
After texting her the next day to say what a good night we'd had etc and thank her I didn't get a reply for 3 days. And then when I did again it was brief. She's not asked me to do anything with the kids for months now and I've started to wonder if I've done something to offend her (although for the life of me I can not think what this could be). A few times over the last few months I have tried to make a plan with her and the kids and she has said she can't make it as already has plans. Fair enough I've though in the past.

I told her a few weeks ago I was taking DS to a playgroup thing and she was welcome to join and she initially said she couldn't make it. But when we were on our way I received a text to say they'd meet us there which they did. She seemed off soon as I got there as if something had pissed her off, I asked if she was okay and she said she was. Tbf we didn't get much of a chance to even talk about anything other than kids as we were both chasing toddlers round. All seemed well by the end of the day and we left with her saying she'd text me after to make another plan with DHs. I've not heard from her since.

I realise this may sound a bit 'high school' and it's not the sort of thing I would ever really talk about- I don't have any of this with my own friends. I do suffer with anxiety so things like this do tend to play on my mind- 'have I pissed her off in some way?' etc but I really don't think I'm imagining this anymore. It's all gone very one way and I'm clueless as to why. I've told myself I won't be in touch with her at all now and will just see if she is with me (I was only contacting her once every few weeks anyway FYI). As I say having a mum friend who I got on with so well was valuable to me.

So, should I just leave it and see what happens, potentially allowing the he friendship to dissolve? Or should I ask if I've done something to offend her? I really can't be bothered with mixed message people as I'd rather know where I stand with someone. I'm not sure if should be 'taking the hint' here!

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 17/08/2017 10:06

I'm sorry, it does sound as though she doesn't feel close to you now. It could be for anything- her DC being hard work or her being tired or maybe she's not happy with her DH or struggling generally. Try not to take it to heart. Don't burn any bridges but cast your friendship net wider. Flowers

GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 10:09

While you're occipoed with her you aren't making other friends

Make other friends and not worry about it - passing ships

lozzylizzy · 17/08/2017 10:14

I always feel a little suffocated by being bombarded by texts from friends. Luckily my best friend is the same as me. I can ask her to do anything at anytime favour wise but she works full time with 2 DC and I work evenings and have 3 DC.

We don't need constant reassurance that we are still friends however we have known each other since we were 10 so we really know each other enough that I doubt we could offend each other unless we wanted to intentionally!

lozzylizzy · 17/08/2017 10:15

of course she can also ask me for anything too!

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:28

Yes that is right I suppose I made a mum friend and thought 'at last I've got a friend who has a child' and didn't really make a lot of effort into making friends with anyone else. Not that I went out of my way to become friends with girl, we just clicked.

I will deffo try and be more open to making new friends win kids in future.

I definitely haven't bombarded her at all, so I really don't think I've been suffocating her. I realise it might come across like that in my OP but I'm talking over months there. The most I'd text is maybe every 2-3 weeks saying something like 'hey hope you're good. Me and DS are going to X place tomorrow if you'd like to join us' or just thanking her for the night out etc. I too have a similar friendship with my own best mates, we live all over the place now so often go weeks without speaking or months without seeing each other and we both know we're there! This girl however lives 5 mins away and we've gone from doing things on a day off work that we both share every other week, to her not asking us to do anything in months so it's an noticeable and quite sudden difference.

OP posts:
FindoGask · 17/08/2017 10:31

It does sound like there's an issue. I would just ask her (by email if it's easier). If she denies it I would still leave it to her to initiate the next meet-up. Sorry, sounds difficult. This is why I don't have any (well, many) pals - so exhausting!

Mrscropley · 17/08/2017 10:32

Maybe she didn't want to change the dynamics of the friendship by adding dh to the mix.
When my marriage was on the rocks I stopped socialising with my dh as I didn't want our sham life to be out there. . .

Joolsy · 17/08/2017 10:33

I think if it's playing on your mind you should at least ask her? You don't have to be too blunt or direct just a 'I was just wondering if there is something I may have done to upset or offend you in any way as we don't seem as close as we used to be?'

PovertyJetset · 17/08/2017 10:37

This sounds like episode from
Catastrophe when Sharon has a mum mate who then returns to work and totally ditches her. It's pretty funny, watch it.

I don't get why she is being so weird with you- maybe you could just ask?

Otherwise I would let things cool and make more friends.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 17/08/2017 10:37

I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me but it didn't involve our DH's.

I thought I'd found a good friend after never really wanting any 'mum friends' because I have a really good close knit group of friends who I've known for decades.

But after initially being as willing as me, she stop reciprocating the friendship. I was quite hurt but I can't make someone like me.

I gave up in the end and now its down to a brief hello if we ever happen to bump into one another.
It's weird because she's otherwise really lovely. And I know I'm not an arsehole, self indulgent or a whinge bag so I'm not sure what went wrong.

Anyway, life lesson for me. Stick to the good friends you've already got. Don't need new ones.

MsLexicon · 17/08/2017 10:43

Oh dear I am sorry it is troubling you.I kind of know how this feels but....
Maybe she is a snotty stuck up cow and you should get a new friend?
Sounds like she is no longer a candidate.

missiondecision · 17/08/2017 10:45

Some people are impossible to work out.
Move on. If she was a good friend and valued that friendship she would have bought up whatever the problem is.
Or, her husband doesn't like you for some reason??

GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 10:50

Can I make a suggestion?

Do you by any chance post a lot of FB?

She's invite dyou out with her friends, have you done the same?

I was quite good friends with someone yet never got invited to the nights out even though I knew most of them, seems somehow ashamed of me?

Just asking!

RiseToday · 17/08/2017 10:51

I'd just leave it to be honest. I don't get the impression that she would be forthcoming with a 'reason'

She would probably say - no issues, everything's fine etc, which would make you think it's all in your head.

I would stop texting and let her make the first move. If she doesn't, then sod her!

I met a mum at a toddler group and we seemed to really get on well, every week she would say - oh we must meet up for a play date etc, so I would follow up with a text - do you fancy doing something on x y z day? Always an excuse so I just stopped asking. I just can't be arsed with the fancying around!

RiseToday · 17/08/2017 10:52

fannying around Grin

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:55

Poverty I love Catastrophe! And I know the episode you're talking about, it is hilarious. And it does actually feel a bit like that now tbf!

One of my closest friends who I've been friends with for 15 years is about to have a baby next month so even though DS will be 2 years older at least there's a ready made Mum mate for me there ha.

It's all very strange. My pet hate is people who you have to 'figure' out. People who let on one day and then blank you the next, I'd rather they blank me every day! I'm disappointed if she's one of those because I really though we were on the same wavelength (and I know she thought the same as she sent me many hilarious drunken messages saying so after our first night out!). She seemed like the kind of girl had I have met through work or somehwere I would've ended up being mates with even if she didnt have any kids.

Her DH was really nice and very friendly and was talking about us all going out with the kids one day and was even looking for things for us to do! I feel like I'm going a bit mad- I felt silly on our night out with DHs for feeling this way as it was going so well and I told myself it was my anxiety playing tricks on me again. But now I'm positive it's not just me!

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 17/08/2017 10:55

Personally I'd just see if she initiates anything? I wouldn't ask if there is a problem etc..

WooWooSister · 17/08/2017 10:57

I'd agree with a PP, that it may be she didn't want to involve your DH's in the friendship and so she's cooled because you seem to be trying to develop an entire family friendship dynamic.
I don't know that there's any value in saying something. If she was the type of person to be direct, she would have told you what was wrong. Since she hasn't then I don't see what's to be gained by asking her again.

CheesyWeez · 17/08/2017 10:58

I have been the friend ... or something like it. I had a close friend who had a child the same age as mine. We were great until the children were 3, then I knew she was making much more effort in the friendship, coming to see me more often than I went to hers. Even though I realized this I felt unable to do anything about it.
Afterwards I realised I was depressed and I felt helpless to stop the friendship dribbling away. Recently my DH told me she had asked him if I was ok and she did know I wasn't so well, and I'm grateful to her for continuing to come and see me so faithfully.
She moved to another city and if I saw her again I'd say all this to her and resume the friendship with more effort coming from me this time.

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:58

greentulips I do post quite a lot on Facebook I suppose yer. I invited her and her DD once to coffee with me DS and my best mate, which she came to. And I've also invited her out to my birthday night out which she couldn't make.
She's even asked me before in the past if I could kid her DD whilst she was stuck for childcare. I couldn't as I was also working but 100% would've done if I wasn't. She has also offered to have my DS overnight when I was stuck too, but I couldn't go to said event in the end anyway.

OP posts:
wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:59

*mind, not kid

OP posts:
LetsSplashMummy · 17/08/2017 11:00

Don't ask if you've done something, it is more likely that she is dealing with something herself. She could be pregnant with number 2 and knackered or TTC and having problems. She could be having marriage problems, health problems or just broken sleep. There are loads of reasons people let their social life slide and as she did go out with you, I don't think it has anything to do with you.

I'd make other friends too and keep inviting her in low stress ways, like to the toddler group. Don't make yourself a hard work friend or expect too much.

kemptownlady · 17/08/2017 11:03

It's really tricky because there isn't a rule book! This will happen from time to time, especially now you have children. Don't worry about it - this is about her, not you. When this happens with friends it doesn't automatically mean you've done anything to upset them, there could be lots of things going on with her that you don't know about which are affecting her behaviour. My advice would be to move on and try to find new friends and don't blame yourself, just don't burn your bridges. She knows where you are if she wants to see you.

eddielizzard · 17/08/2017 11:05

i wouldn't say anything, i'd just move on. who knows? if you've offended her she clearly isn't going to tell you. i hate this hot / cold nonsense. you haven't run after her, she doesn't feel the same anymore. write her off.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/08/2017 11:05

I would probably just leave it and then see if she makes any effort to suggest a meet up. It maybe she is very busy and doesn't have the emotional space to meet very often, she may have MH issues, or just have a lot else going on. Personally I need quite a lot of 'alone time' to stay mentally healthy, which is in short supply with DCs and a time-consuming job and a DH, so my friends and I only meet every couple of months or so, even less at times. I still care deeply about them and value their friendship though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread