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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she's being off with me? Should I say something?

59 replies

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 17/08/2017 10:02

Abyear ago I met a woman my age at a toddler group, who's DD was around the same age as DS. Although I have lots of lovely friends, none of them currently have children so having a 'mum friend' is something that appealed to me.
We clicked straight away, she seemed very 'normal' and down to earth, we had lots in common and swapped numbers etc.
For a while I'd say the correspondence between us was very equal, she would invite me out with the kids, even sometimes to things with her other friends who had kids, and I'd initiate play dates also. All good. I felt we became quite close and we arranged a night out the two of us, which we went on and had a really good night. Both got quite drunk and said how nice it was to meet a friend the same age who had a child the same age and who was so nice. We said that night we would arrange a night out with our DH's also. The day after we set a date for that night and that was that.
I then felt like she stopped speaking to me, and would take days to reply if I ever I messaged her and then the replied were only very brief. I didn't think much of it and assumed she was busy etc.
The night out with DHs came round and we went out, it had been organised by myself and I had to ask her if she was still up for it a few days earlier as I hadn't heard anything from her for weeks. But anyway, we all had a great night (I thought so anyway) and DH's got on well. We had a meal and chatted throughout, had laugh and all generally all got quite merry. Eventually DH and I left and they said they wouldn't be much behind us and all said bye etc. All seemed well.
After texting her the next day to say what a good night we'd had etc and thank her I didn't get a reply for 3 days. And then when I did again it was brief. She's not asked me to do anything with the kids for months now and I've started to wonder if I've done something to offend her (although for the life of me I can not think what this could be). A few times over the last few months I have tried to make a plan with her and the kids and she has said she can't make it as already has plans. Fair enough I've though in the past.

I told her a few weeks ago I was taking DS to a playgroup thing and she was welcome to join and she initially said she couldn't make it. But when we were on our way I received a text to say they'd meet us there which they did. She seemed off soon as I got there as if something had pissed her off, I asked if she was okay and she said she was. Tbf we didn't get much of a chance to even talk about anything other than kids as we were both chasing toddlers round. All seemed well by the end of the day and we left with her saying she'd text me after to make another plan with DHs. I've not heard from her since.

I realise this may sound a bit 'high school' and it's not the sort of thing I would ever really talk about- I don't have any of this with my own friends. I do suffer with anxiety so things like this do tend to play on my mind- 'have I pissed her off in some way?' etc but I really don't think I'm imagining this anymore. It's all gone very one way and I'm clueless as to why. I've told myself I won't be in touch with her at all now and will just see if she is with me (I was only contacting her once every few weeks anyway FYI). As I say having a mum friend who I got on with so well was valuable to me.

So, should I just leave it and see what happens, potentially allowing the he friendship to dissolve? Or should I ask if I've done something to offend her? I really can't be bothered with mixed message people as I'd rather know where I stand with someone. I'm not sure if should be 'taking the hint' here!

OP posts:
MyLittlePickleBoo · 18/08/2017 00:53

Definitely don't take it personally. I have been 'the friend' on the other side of this. I am an introvert with BPD. When I'm on form I'm outgoing, enthusiastic and actively pursue friendships. When I'm not I retreat totally and will go months and months (even a year or so!) without any real close personal interactions. I am very good (and well practiced) at wearing a happy and confident persona when I have to (e.g. at the school gates) but it's exhausting and I find it incredibly draining. During these periods I suffer from terrible anxiety and even functioning day to day is difficult. Only one friend actually knows any of this though! If you were to ask to anyone else I promise they would tell you I'm totally normal (if sometimes a little flakey!) and that my MH is great! I'm telling you this because it may well be that your friend is going through something similar. Don't assume she's not just because there was a prolonged period during your friendship where she seemed 'normal'.

Another friendship I've cooled recently because friend's DD's behavior is awful. She has started to bully my daughter and is really sly and bitchy about it. My DD is only little and she doesn't understand why this person she thought was a friend is being so mean to her! I'm trying to protect her right now by removing her out of the situation and until my friend's DD's behavior improves we won't be having anymore play dates. OP, it couldn't be something like that going on could it?

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 18/08/2017 08:01

Thanks mylittlepickle, it may well be the case that there's something going on in her personal life I don't know about. I'm going to check soon to see how she is. She does however have a very active social life for someone with a toddler, her and DH do seem to have something on every weekend, and they seem to have readily available babysitters to hand. So I'm not sure it's that she just doesn't want to socialise because I know she does.

Definitely nothing to with DS and her DD. They're both under 2, and if anything her DD is a little bolshier than DS! But they play really lovely together.

I think it may be more like something kellymarie said tbh. Just going to try and not take it personally. easier said than done

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 18/08/2017 08:09

Do you mind me saying , the phrase "mum friend" or worse "mummie friends" , it categorises people. It's like saying I'm only friends with you because you have a child the same age as mine , you have no other common ground other than giving birth vaguely at the same time. This is like "school gate mums" - you have nothing whatsoever in common with these people other than your child sits in the same room and will do so for the next 7 years, most of the time you wouldn't dream of socially mixing with any of these people. These people are not your friends, at best they are good acquaintances.

I hated all this stuff quite simply because there was always one who tried to own you and make you her special friend. No, I have my own friends.

"mummie friends" is right up their with hun, babe, baby mum, bio dad etc

wellcallhimshaunshallwe · 18/08/2017 08:21

Not at all bonkers, I use the term 'mum friend' loosely and with the inverted commas as it's not something I'd actually say IRL. I just meant that I didn't have any friends who had kids and I could relate to on that front, and when I met her I did. As I said in a PP, if I'd met her through work or somehwere, and she didn't have any kids, I'd have still been friends with her because we did/do have an awful lot in common and always seemed to be on a very similar wavelength- the fact that we had DC the same age was just a nice bonus tbh.

Don't have any experience of 'school gate' mums yet but I'll have all of that to come!

OP posts:
littlebird7 · 18/08/2017 08:36

Come to the conclusion that YOU are a good friend, you are a great friend! Fun, warm honest and good company.
If she has personal issues she can't share with you, or other reasons to need more distance don't take it to heart. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my best friend for months some of the deeper health problems I was having, and could never have told anyone else.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, keep the door open and make her a Christmas card friend. Zero expectation of hearing from her will help you move on. Focus on the friendships that are less complicated. She may come back in time.

sweetbitter · 18/08/2017 08:39

It could be as simple as her being a bit flaky, and the type of person who throws herself into novel new friendships then the wind changes and she's less enthused. Might be nothing personal at all, just the way she is.

littlebird7 · 18/08/2017 08:42

Stilldriving

I have made some great friends at the school gate, ones I would choose in other sphere of life. I don't think others mothers need to remain acquaintances just because you met them through your child! I have made life long one or two from my baby group.

I do accept the general meaning though, that not all of the school gate or toddler parents will end up good solid life long friends though. Some are simply working relationships serving a shared purpose.

littlebird7 · 18/08/2017 08:43

So many typos in that last post apologies m

MyLittlePickleBoo · 18/08/2017 09:16

'She does however have a very active social life for someone with a toddler, her and DH do seem to have something on every weekend'

Yep, this is us too! Seriously, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong. Only one friend genuinely knows how tough I find things sometimes. It's not something I like to talk about so I'd rather put up a front for the rest of the world!

I'm not saying this is definitely what's happening with your friend, but it's a definite possibility. I have other friends who are just the same, and again, most people wouldn't have a clue.

Whatever it may be just don't take it personally. Concentrate on making new friends and relegate her to Christmas card only as another PP suggested.

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