Don't want dads partner involved

[Peachpie14]

First post and really wanting advice (sorry if I ramble)
Myself and DP due our first baby soon and very excited, however one thing really stressing me, my Dads long term GF.
Never really had a good relationship with her, went through a period of going regularly for weekends (from age 7ish) with my sibling then over time (until about age 11) telling my dad we wouldn't go anymore because of her nasty controlling behaviour and toxic attitude, she did various things which imo were bullying. We still continued to see my Dad for days out etc without her and maintained a good relationship with him, he has always been aware of my feelings throughout.
Fast forward about 15 years to my Dad having a period of ill health and having to go through her to arrange visits to hospital etc and the subsequent loss of my mother, we came to be on speaking terms again and have stayed civil since then, tolerating her more so to make my Dads life easier than anything else. Her past behaviour was never really discussed and has more or less been swept under the carpet and there has always been this elephant in the room. When I informed them I was pregnant this year after a few weeks she put me right on the spot and asked outright so will I be grandma or nana?? I was taken aback and brushed her question off. She will be neither, I don't want her to have any involvement with our baby because of how she was (and how her attitude still is) and think it was presumptuous of her to assume she would have any kind of 'title' and also disrespectful to my mothers memory. I was upset afterwards and I explained my feelings re. 'Grandma/Nana' my dad via phone conversation a day or so later and he said he'd let her know how I felt. He told me that she had a full on tantrum and huff, tears etc lasted for days. Since then though she is still trying to be involved and will not back off. Inviting herself when my dad visits, butting in on phone conversations etc and it's got to the point where I just want to say f**k off out of my life! I only tolerated her to make tensions within the family easier xmas's, birthdays etc but now baby is coming my maternal instincts have kicked in and I want her no where near our baby. What do I do?

I could have written your post 18 years ago! Like you, very poor relationship with my SM as I was growing up. She was wicked and made me a very unhappy teenager, so much that I begged my parents to send me abroad.

As an adult, the relationship became mainly polite, but as such, was bearable. Living abroad, so only seeing my dad and her once or twice a year which was bearable.

However, I felt totally differently than you when I became pregnant (at age 27). From the moment I was pregnant, I considered my baby a person of her own, not an extension of me, and that she had a right to a relationship with who she will grow up to be her grand father's partner, and therefore through the eyes of a child, her grand-mother.

I made this clear when they came to visit, and it was the best decision I could have made because she's been an amazing grand-mother. She's never fully apologised for her behaviour when I was growing up, but she has admitted that looking back, she should have acted differently. She said that she genuinely cared for me and wanted the best, and that's why she was so strict. I am not sure that's totally true, but I have found in me to move on and focus on the present.

My children don't have a close relationship with her (distance being the main issue) but they do consider her their grand-mother. I will never forget or forgive, but I have been able to let the past be the past and I actually enjoy her company now.

If you have concerns over her influence on your child, then fair enough, but don't punish her or your child because of what happened in the past. Like me, you might discover that she makes a much much better grand-mother than step-mother.

Could have written your post, I actually had my son 2 years ago and foolishly gave my SM the title she wanted 'nana'. Within weeks of baby being born old patterns of behaviour began, jealous of the relationship between me and my dad, my dad and the baby, the attention of the baby and all of a sudden there was the usual pattern of passive aggressive bullying. Giving presents to all her maternal grandchildren and not to my son, posting pictures all over social media of her other grandkids but never liking any posts of my son. Never ever giving him any attention or compliments. Blowing up giant photos of all the other grandchildren but no pictures of my son that were given to be seen anywhere. Needless to say I no longer take my son round there and don't have a relationship with her or my dad who quite frankly I blame just as much as her because he continually lets it happen. Time and time again and is just a downright coward.

But surely in that case, it won't matter since your son won't call her that and probably won't have much to do with her anyway if at all.

That's the good thing with kids, they don't talk for 2 or 3 years so that leaves enough time to get a good idea of the type of grandmother they might become!

I've read through all the replies and I'd agree that you just need to be firm, clear and a broken record of your decision: no, you will not be grandma. No, you will not see the child.

Congratulations OP!

Totally different to your situation but one of my DP's parents went through gender reassignment when DP was a teenager. Fast forward to when DC1 arrived and they wanted to be known as Nana, which DP was totally against (it's a complex situation for DP). Still years and years on it's brought up but as a unit we have remained firm on this. You need to do what is best for you and your baby, if someone doesn't like it then it's their issue, easy to say I know.

Wishing you luck

I agree with you OP -- I wouldn't let her see the baby or have relationship with her.

OP - stick to your guns and trust your gut. You know how toxic she was. Just see your Dad at your house, and maybe a civil Xmas dinner on Boxing Day with Stepmum too.

I'm another one that could have written your post. I've been letting my stepmother be involved to keep the peace. Like mummarichardson I've actually found that all her old behaviours from when we were young are now coming back with a vengeance. The last couple of times she's been horrid to me and my dad is now not asking to come over and see us. I suspect the new rival for his affection has sparked off jealousy of some kind and it seems he's going back to choosing her. So although it sounds very negative, you may find that if you do nothing the situation naturally 'resolves' itself (albeit for the worst). I'm accepting that I can't force my dad to stick up for me, and that if he won't it's going to be his loss.

Thanks for your messages everyone. I've spoke with my dad and made my feelings totally clear, he is coming over for a chat this afternoon. He said he'll support whatever I want and was sad that I've been worrying so much about this. He's said not to worry and she will just be in the background when needs must type of thing. Which suits me fine, like I said a civil relationship is probably best going forward but she'll not be having any real involvement. I can't just forget how she was in the past and she will never admit she did anything wrong, so that is enough to make me think she cannot be trusted to be around my baby or have any positive influence on his/her life. Feel a lot better for speaking with my dad and hopefully we'll be able to clear things up even more later on.

Peachpie good for your Dad. Glad he's taking your side in this. FYI, my kids have never met my dad's wife, I have no contact with her and no intention of initiating any. They do see him though. It's not compulsory, it's whatever's right for your situation.

Rhubarbginisnotasin that is 100% fine. My comments are for the OP, my only concern is what is right for her. And I respect your response.