Don't want dads partner involved

[Peachpie14]

First post and really wanting advice (sorry if I ramble)
Myself and DP due our first baby soon and very excited, however one thing really stressing me, my Dads long term GF.
Never really had a good relationship with her, went through a period of going regularly for weekends (from age 7ish) with my sibling then over time (until about age 11) telling my dad we wouldn't go anymore because of her nasty controlling behaviour and toxic attitude, she did various things which imo were bullying. We still continued to see my Dad for days out etc without her and maintained a good relationship with him, he has always been aware of my feelings throughout.
Fast forward about 15 years to my Dad having a period of ill health and having to go through her to arrange visits to hospital etc and the subsequent loss of my mother, we came to be on speaking terms again and have stayed civil since then, tolerating her more so to make my Dads life easier than anything else. Her past behaviour was never really discussed and has more or less been swept under the carpet and there has always been this elephant in the room. When I informed them I was pregnant this year after a few weeks she put me right on the spot and asked outright so will I be grandma or nana?? I was taken aback and brushed her question off. She will be neither, I don't want her to have any involvement with our baby because of how she was (and how her attitude still is) and think it was presumptuous of her to assume she would have any kind of 'title' and also disrespectful to my mothers memory. I was upset afterwards and I explained my feelings re. 'Grandma/Nana' my dad via phone conversation a day or so later and he said he'd let her know how I felt. He told me that she had a full on tantrum and huff, tears etc lasted for days. Since then though she is still trying to be involved and will not back off. Inviting herself when my dad visits, butting in on phone conversations etc and it's got to the point where I just want to say f**k off out of my life! I only tolerated her to make tensions within the family easier xmas's, birthdays etc but now baby is coming my maternal instincts have kicked in and I want her no where near our baby. What do I do?

But if he's such a pushover that he was happy to be in a relationship with someone who he accepted was treating you badly then what assurance do you have of him being able to look after your DC if you get my drift. I'm guessing he'd have to have supervised contact?

It was significant for you to end the relationship with her, but not for him to end it with her? You must have been very hurt.

However true the above comments may be, I guess Peachpie has decided to live with her dad's shortcomings as her remaining parent. There has been an uneasy truce until this point, but your Dad's partner is now trying to stake some kind of claim as a grandparent in a way that threatens the truce. I would wonder, based on similar past experience, whether she feels threatened by your Dad's relationship with the expected grandchild and is applying pressure to the situation to see if it explodes. In spite of my earlier message suggestion, I think the best way to deal with it is by being very clear with your Dad about the expectations around him and your DC, making clear, for obvious reasons, why there is no role for his partner. Babies have a way of bringing past hurts round again.

My mum wasn't and isn't like that!
And you don't have to describe how she treated you.

Speak to your dad and explain. It sounds like he'll understand. Get something in writing that authorised you to visit if he gets ill again. She sounds toxic - trust your gut

Yes I was hurt but at the time happy being able to still see my dad without having to see her anymore and as we grew up that is how it stayed which worked fine, until the phone call to arrange a visit to the hospital, turned into meeting at hospital, to dad's coming out of hospital would you like to come round for lunch etc etc all whilst having to bite my tongue being polite

The first sentence was to headinhands btw

Thank you, yes I understood. Whilst I can understand parents (step parents/grandparents included) losing patience etc now and again, what she did and the way she treated us was in no way acceptable and as a mum to be to think a mother could ever be like that thinking it's normal is awful

Kitty yes I agree I think you're right, and also I think it all stems from jealousy on her part and if she knows my dad is being part of baby's life without her that will anger her even more but tough shit. She's not a child who needs pacified she's a grown woman

I'm probably relating it to parenting in the 80's. I think parenting has changed but I don't think what you described is beyond what adults of my age had. Even my Nan would be the sort to kick me under the table to remind me to eat with my mouth closed. But that's by the by. You can only try to find a peaceful way forward now. And yy about babies throwing up old hurts. My dsis was adamant how 'normal' our ddad was until she had her own and then it clicked.

Op what will you say to ddad about contact with your DC? Will it be at yours? His without her around?

You are an adult now, tell her to back off! Tell dad you don't want her coming with him to visit, she shoukd respect that! Tell him she will be called by her first name, due to issues in the past, tgat you cannot forget and put behind you.

The whole situation sounds very sad on both sides, I think you would be best to play it by ear and not make too many rules right now. People change and mellow with years so your kids could end up having a fantastic relationship with her in the end, they wont have your memories of her but will have your guidance. I think a softly softly approach would be best for everyone involved, who knows what the future holds.

Will I be grandma or nana < this does not indicate changing and mellowing. It suggests grandiose assumptions and inappropriate boundaries. I agree with what @Aeroflot says. Tell it like it is.

Taking the emotions out of it, the woman believes that physically chastising children, belittling them and bullying them is acceptable behaviour.

Whatever the in and outs of the relationships are, that is not someone I would want to have anything to do with my child. It is certainly not someone who would be considered a grandparent with all of the emotional and physical closeness that implies.

For the sake of the OPs relationship with her father then an out and out "You are never seeing my child" is not a good idea. However she would not be spending a single minute unsupervised (given that a lot of her bad treatment of the OP was when her father wasnt around) and would not be getting an honour title like Nanna/Nanny etc

I don't think you should "have to" build any sort of relationship with this woman. She's treated you very badly, never recognised that fact, never apologised. And now she's tantruming and pushing and pushing to be a grandmother-figure.

I don't blame you at all for wanting to keep her away from your baby and I'd be quite clear about that to your DF. It's not as though you are making him chose between you - you can carry on having the same relationship with him that you do now, and continue to be civil to her when you have to, but take positive steps to limit the amount of time you see her, and always on your terms, on on your turf.

As for what she is called - she has a name. So they will be Grandad and Doris, or whatever.

Thanks for all your replies. Baby would never be going to their home as they are both smokers so i would only invite my dad over to our home, I am confident he wouldn't go behind my back if he was babysitting for example.

I feel better for getting people's opinions and it's clarified in my mind that i'm being reasonable to want her to keep her distance.

Being a child whose parents get divorced is really hard, and on top of that it does not sound like she treated you well when she became your step mother. But there is some catharsis (healing) in putting this in the past and forgiving. You don't have a mother, so this is your child's only chance at a grandma on your side of the family. It sounds like she is trying to make up for her past errors. The fact she has never had children of her own, or I guess grandchildren, must be incredibly painful for her, and so I would only refuse to forgive her and keep her away from your child once you have given her a chance and she has shown she is still unbearable.

It feels a bit like you are using your child as a weapon to punish her for how she treated you as a child. But is that constructive? Might you want some help and some family to enjoy your baby with when your child is born? Are you sure you will never need babysitters?

You give your dad an awful lot of slack but the truth is he holds a lot of responsibility he should have protected you from being treated badly and tackled her for it at the time. It is difficult to see how you can keep in touch with your dad but completely exclude her, so I think it is worth giving it a try, and being frank and open with her if she pisses you off - you are not a child any more, so you can just speak up and express your feelings of offence or frustration. that way at least she gets a chance to understand the impact she is now having and mend her ways.

Kimmy thanks for your message. Whilst I appreciate your point of view, over my dead body will this woman be allowed the kind of access you are referring to. Our child has plenty other lovely family members who I'd trust implicitly. This woman is toxic

Stick to you guns. My mum's partner is an arsehole who physically hurt me and my sisters when we were children. I have my own kids now, and my mum's partner has never seen them. I won't allow my mum to have the children at her house, she must come here if she wishes to see them. I think you are doing the right thing. Some people are spiteful.

With your updates OP, I don't think (in the nicest of ways) that what she wants to be called is even on the radar.
She bullied young children - as far as I'm concerned no one who behaves that way gets a chance to be near my kids - it's my job to protect them. For me, even if meant dad was collateral damage, I wouldn't be encouraging a relationship with her at all. What if she does the same to your dc? The fire in the pit of your belly when your dc tells you someone hit them (at school for instance) is quite a feeling - you should have been protected from her behaviour.
I'm sorry things were so hard for you when you were younger

I don't understand this thing on mn when being called nanny grandma is disrespectful to your dead mum

It's not a "thing on mn" it's how people feel, and it's entirely valid. How fucking RUDE.

Her asking to be called something regardless of what that was was just a small part of it. I was more annoyed that she'd backed me into a corner more or less and didn't even give the opportunity for me to offer that to her and I think it was way too presumptuous for her to assume that she will get any kind of title/privilege/access after everything she's done. I realise it could be construed as me being over sensitive about my mum not being around but it's not that, however I do think it was disrespectful of her to be so insensitive.

Rhubarbginisnotasin "OP, I understand how you feel but your dads partner isn't going to be going away anytime soon and I think if you make your father chose between you by using your baby as some kind of bargaining tool you're going to end up without your dad. "

The OP is not making her dad choose between her and his partner. She is making it clear she does not want to see her dad's partner. He can still be with his partner and see his daughter and grandchild. What he cannot do is force his partner onto his daughter as 'grandma' because that is not what his daughter wants.

"... what you have to put up with in order to have your dad in your life and the wee ones life."

I'm not sure the OP should have to 'put up with' anything to have her dad in her life and I cannot see what benefit this granddad would be to his grandchild. He let his daughter down, not sure I'd be overly keen to let him do the same for my child. But it is the OP's choice, of course.

And the OP is not using her baby as weapon, how very offensive, it is simply a case of protecting her child in a way her dad failed to protect her.

The only thing you have said I can agree with is that the OP has been hurt and I do think some counselling could help her to heal.

Nut I am not sure what evidence you have this person will love the child and "...what's the harm in your kid having a gran who loves it?" I think there can be a lot of harm having a toxic person in your life.

Blonde "...has the right of being nanny..." actually grandparents don't have rights over children. If the OP felt this person would be a good person to be in her child's life I am sure she could come up with a name for her to use. But it seems clear she doesn't want this person in her child's life. Why is that so hard to understand? Her opening post says "...telling my dad we wouldn't go anymore because of her nasty controlling behaviour and toxic attitude, she did various things which imo were bullying."

Nuttynoo "My gran used to get beaten by her stepmum, burned, had a marriage arranged at 16, but stepgran still adored my dad to the point of spoiling." I think you have a very, very warped idea about what is acceptable. Anyone who does those things should not be welcomed into a baby/child's life.

"... you would have ruined a relationship before it even has a chance." I think that is called protecting a child!

OP sorry if I sound hard on your dad, I do think he let you down but if seems he did realise this and, as you say, he was a kind of anything for a quiet life person. I'd be very careful about letting him have sole care of the child unless you really can trust him.

Having a baby, especially your first, is a very special time. My dad died while I was expecting and so there was an element of sadness when my visited me (with sis) in the hospital and no dad. But I made sure that I focused on celebrating my new baby.

I really hope you can focus on the good things.

an element of sadness when my mum visited me (with sis)...

Good Morning Italian, just to acknowledge your posts and to say this is the only response to them I'll be making. I generally find it very difficult to remain interested in your (and another posters) extremely long and detailed contributions once you (both) get settled into a thread like this so without any malice intended I'll just do what I always do and leave it to others to reply to them.