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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want dads partner involved

86 replies

Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 01:08

First post and really wanting advice (sorry if I ramble)
Myself and DP due our first baby soon and very excited, however one thing really stressing me, my Dads long term GF.
Never really had a good relationship with her, went through a period of going regularly for weekends (from age 7ish) with my sibling then over time (until about age 11) telling my dad we wouldn't go anymore because of her nasty controlling behaviour and toxic attitude, she did various things which imo were bullying. We still continued to see my Dad for days out etc without her and maintained a good relationship with him, he has always been aware of my feelings throughout.
Fast forward about 15 years to my Dad having a period of ill health and having to go through her to arrange visits to hospital etc and the subsequent loss of my mother, we came to be on speaking terms again and have stayed civil since then, tolerating her more so to make my Dads life easier than anything else. Her past behaviour was never really discussed and has more or less been swept under the carpet and there has always been this elephant in the room. When I informed them I was pregnant this year after a few weeks she put me right on the spot and asked outright so will I be grandma or nana?? I was taken aback and brushed her question off. She will be neither, I don't want her to have any involvement with our baby because of how she was (and how her attitude still is) and think it was presumptuous of her to assume she would have any kind of 'title' and also disrespectful to my mothers memory. I was upset afterwards and I explained my feelings re. 'Grandma/Nana' my dad via phone conversation a day or so later and he said he'd let her know how I felt. He told me that she had a full on tantrum and huff, tears etc lasted for days. Since then though she is still trying to be involved and will not back off. Inviting herself when my dad visits, butting in on phone conversations etc and it's got to the point where I just want to say f**k off out of my life! I only tolerated her to make tensions within the family easier xmas's, birthdays etc but now baby is coming my maternal instincts have kicked in and I want her no where near our baby. What do I do?

OP posts:
goldensyrupisshit · 17/08/2017 07:51

I'm a step nanny but when my stepdaughter was first pregnant it was made evidently clear I would never be referred to as a grandparent only my first name. Myself and my stepchildren didn't have any relationship when they were younger as their mother was/ still is an evil bitch she completely cut my partner out of theirs lives too ( I was never the other woman ). Fast forward to DGC being 6 months old stepdaughter approached me and apologised asking if it would be ok to refer to me as nanny as out of all the grandparents I was the only one who continually offered support. Still 5yrs on we have a great relationship.
I've also got it the other side being a stepdaughter myself and my stepmother was offered the opportunity but refused saying she only wants to be known as her first name yet my sibling has a child and now she wants to be referred as nanny Hmmnot happening with my kids as they've used her name far too long and she's not actively involved with mine. I'd personally see how it pans out.

Smellyoulateralligater · 17/08/2017 09:06

I can't believe people are encouraging you to build a relationship with this woman

Op - you say your dad understands that you were mistreated. I think your idea of working with him to understand why he didn't protect you better is a good thing to do.

Again, you can remain civil. It sounds like your father doesn't expect more than a civil relationship between you and your step mum.

I can fully understand if you were made miserable by this woman, and she refuses to acknowledge or accept it, you wouldn't want her to be active in your or your child's life.

Good luck with the pregnancy

QueenArseClangers · 17/08/2017 09:47

Like fuck would I let someone who had form for bullying and abusing me as a child have a relationship with my DC.
Your dad sounds rather weak too enabling her to treat you like shite.
He didn't protect you from her behaviour when you were little so what makes you think he'd protect a GC if she did the same thing?

BeepBeepMOVE · 17/08/2017 09:56

Just give her a chance with the baby. Otherwise it's going to be really odd for your child. Heres lovely Grandad who loves this lady that they don't know and all other kids calling their granddads parter grandma.

Original poster
Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 10:20

Tbh I'm also suprised people are encouraging a relationship with her Hmm She wasn't just a useless step mother who I didn't like when I was a kid, she was and still is a nasty, negative piece of work. Also to add my dad fully accepts how she is and I would go so far to say as that he doesn't love her, but I think stays with her out of habit (stupid as that is)

OP posts:
headinhands · 17/08/2017 10:23

I suppose what some of us are wanting to know is more specifically how she behaved when you were younger. Are we talking snide comments or beatings. It makes a difference to how you go forward and yy to talking to your dad. He is more culpable having been your dad.

Original poster
Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 10:38

Eg kicking us under the table on the sly if we ate with our mouths open, telling us children should be seen and not heard, telling us off for doing very little wrong but only doing it when my dad was out of earshot, reporting my mother to benefits agency when she got a little cleaning job to make ends meet, generally being a bitter, negative person..

OP posts:
ibbleobbleblackbubble · 17/08/2017 10:39

Sounds as if we're talking about deliberate cruelty .....I wouldn't trust her

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 17/08/2017 10:40

If she was cruel to you she's just as likely to be cruel to your child ....in my opinion

GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 10:41

I think you've don't the right thing, however, IF you did decide to allow her a tittle she still has to earn it.

same goes for your child calling her 'name' she still has to prove to your child she's a worthy grandparent

I am going to suggest that without a title she's going to look pretty stupid to her friends who no doubt think she's the bees knees of step parenting and she'll look silly when she doesn't have that tittle and she'll have to explain

headinhands · 17/08/2017 10:46

she's the bees knees of step parenting and she'll look silly when she doesn't have that tittle and she'll have to explain

I don't think so. I have friends who have step children and have a range of 'titles'. It doesn't make me automatically think there are issues.

headinhands · 17/08/2017 10:50

To be fair though op most of that sounds like a lot of mums. My own mum was like that as I'm guessing quite a few here can testify to having mums like that. As for the benefits, was your dad involved/complicit. Was there an issue with maintainence? I was worried it would be irreparable abuse but I don't think it's a history you can't work out with your dad.

AnUtterIdiot · 17/08/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CabernetSauvignyoni · 17/08/2017 10:54

OP doesn't want to & I think that's a shame because the reactions etc suggest OP's stepmum very much wants to be a gran

She didn't much want to be a decent step-mum though did she?

Why exactly should Op forgive someone who emotionally and physically abused her and her family when she was young, just because now this woman wants to be a grandma?

Tough shit. Being married to a grandfather gives you no rights to a relationship with his grandchildren. That is something you earn, and she hasn't earned a damned thing.

Original poster
Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 10:59

Thanks CabernetSauvignyoni that is pretty much exactly how I feel x

OP posts:
headinhands · 17/08/2017 10:59

Why exactly should Op forgive someone who emotionally and physically abused her

I don't think this language will help them all move forward. I'd op wants to unpick this she'll need to talk to dad. But again. If we say she abused her then her own dad allowed it. And is surely isn't out of the reckoning.

headinhands · 17/08/2017 11:03

And I suppose that's what is confusing me here. That your feelings are so directed at the adult your dad brought into your life and not at him. Which makes me feel it's not as clear an issue as you may feel. And that there may be deeper hurts you need to address.

Oh god, I sound like a tabloid agony aunt, sorry op. Just tying to help you. And probably just being very irritating.

Original poster
Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 11:14

The thing is my dad didn't allow it as such, he supported our decision when we explained that we didn't want to see her anymore (although I don't think I could have stayed with someone who had treat my children how she did, but that was his choice) It's only been since we've became adults that we've realised life would be simpler if we were civil and realistically that is how I want to keep it, no more than that but she is pushing and pushing. If she had the decency to discuss or apologise for how she'd acted in the past I might feel like I want to give her a chance but whenever I have mentioned it to my dad he says she is still adamant she did nothing wrong which makes me think she must have thought her behaviour was normal so makes me all the more reluctant to have her involved in my baby's life Sad

OP posts:
Dina1234 · 17/08/2017 11:14

It's a bit odd that she's suddenly so interested in being a part of your life. I would just avoid her like the plague and be really cold when I do see her. People normally get the message eventually.

CabernetSauvignyoni · 17/08/2017 11:22

If we say she abused her then her own dad allowed it. And is surely isn't out of the reckoning.

That may be the case, but given that Ops DF then agreed to have contact time away from his wife in order to maintain his relationship with his children and has not forced a relationship with her since, I can understand forgiving him for the part he played in bringing her into his life. He's her dad and he wasn't the one kicking her under a table or deliberately bullying her when there was no one around to pull him up on it. If he'd insisted on all contact being around her and didn't believe them then it would be a different story.

If Op doesn't want her children to call the woman that abused her as a child 'grandma' then really that's all there is to it. Only time will tell what the relationship between her and Ops DC ends up being, but Op is under no obligation to consider her feelings and give her any title just because she's stamping her foot.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 17/08/2017 11:24

Be really blunt.

Tell her that she was abusive to you and you will not allow that sort of adult to have any part of your child's life.

No emotion. No drama. Just facts.

headinhands · 17/08/2017 11:28

The issue I'm addressing is that she said she wants her no where near her baby. Not about the title. That's a red herring. Op you said your dad says his partner didn't/doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. How does he see it?

Going forward how will you police him not allowing her to see his gdc? And if he refuses? And he if he says her historical behaviour wasn't a problem? I'm concerned that he continued a relationship with someone who you feel on some part, acknowledged was treating you badly. I think this is the issue you need to address.

headinhands · 17/08/2017 11:31

See, in your situation, for me there would be more hurt to work through about my dad than his partner.

kittybiscuits · 17/08/2017 11:37

'I've been giving some thought to your question of will I be grandma or nana and can confirm that you won't be. I do hope we can continue to be civil out of respect for my dad. You have never acknowledged or apologised for your vile behaviour towards me as a child and as such any contact that you have with my child will be minimal'. Grrrr. Poor you.

Original poster
Peachpie14 · 17/08/2017 11:51

Headinhands He saw it as unreasonable also and I think i remember at the time it caused big problems in their relationship but obviously not significant enough to put an end to their relationship. My dad is a peacemaker, anything-for-an-easy-life kind of man and whilst he'd support my decision if I told him how strong my feelings are about this, he'd probably try and find ways of making excuses to her about it to avoid rocking the boat and telling her the full truth.

OP posts: