Fucking home-schooling

[8oo8s]

Disclaimer: Ok, so I am really angry, which might be skewing my view on this and therefore I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My husband's best friend from school and his wife have always lived just around the corner from us. We all had our children around the same time and our eldest son is in the same year group at school as their son (T) and they have been in the same class all through primary school. Having grown up together they are more like brothers than mates and together with our other children, we all socialise together frequently. Although the friendship came from our husbands, I'd like to think that after 20 years, I could call the wife one of my close friends. Our son and T are due to start the same secondary school in September.

A few weeks ago husbands best mate came over to tell us that the marriage is over. No cheating on either part apparently, they had just drifted. From what he said this was a mutual decision and they had been unhappy for a while and coexisting as friends rather than lovers. Big shock to us as they had seemed really happy and neither mentioned any problems. Obviously we love them both and told him we want to maintain friendship with both of them and support them both in any way we can.

Since then, all shit seems to have hit the pan. Husbands mate has moved back home and she has stayed in the house - completely fair, she's the primary carer etc. However, she is being absolutely appalling when it comes to contact, refusing to let him see the kids, even when he's got days off they are being carted off to her mums as she's working. All communication has broken down between them and it seems like a horrible environment for them all.

Tonight, our son got a text from T telling him that he's not going to the secondary school next year as his mum is homeschooling them at home. We contacted our friend and he confirmed this, saying she's adamant that's what is happening and has refused to engage in a conversation about it. Before this she had never mentioned and interest in homeschooling. Although a clearly intelligent woman, she has no qualifications in teaching and I just feel that the kids are going to be so horribly let down. How can she teach physics and geography having only done them to GCSE level and not looked at them ever since?!

Maybe I am massively over invested but I've known these kids since they were babies and I feel like their future is just being thrown away. I wonder if she's having a breakdown - I've tried to contact her but have heard nothing. I'm just so angry that she's doing this and it almost seems like an attempt to punish their dad by harming the kids.

Tell me I'm being a judgy overbearing cow but I just feel like this isn't right and I don't know what to do.

Homeschooling is (generally) ridiculous and is usually practiced by parents who haven't got their kids into the school of the choice and think for some bizarre reason it will put pressure on the council/academy to admit the child. OR they are religious types who don't want their kids mixing with heathens.

Clearly a well informed post

randomnumbers I don't know, its a combination of things. And I'm prepared to admit I haven't researched it in detail but I know people who have done it.

My primary concern by far is that children are missing out on the opportunity for socialisation which is by far the most important role a school performs up until the age of about 12/13. I also think the majority of parents are not going to be able to educate across the whole spectrum of subjects to a high enough standard to match the quality of what a child will get from people with degree-level backgrounds in the subject.

I can see the counter-arguments: home schooling clearly can be helpful for children with serious social anxiety or who have been bullied etc and in some cases schools are so bad that arguably a parent can do a better job.

But the bottom line is that school is about preparing you for society and interacting with that society. If you home educate I think you run the risk of limiting your children's exposure to that society and therefore failing to equip them to function optimally in that society.

The people I know who have done it have made a reasonable fist of it, certainly in terms of the quality of the creative and academic education they have given their kids. But I do question how cutting children off from the vast majority of their peers for most of the day can be in their kids' best interests.

What theabyss said. YANBU. I think you are being vv reasonable. You sound like a nice person concerned about her friends and their children, you don't deserve the abuse you've had on here. Try and go round to see the mum and talk to her.

Given that the ex wife appears very angry with the ex husband I suspect that the home schooling is a pawn in that game. If she's at home doing the schooling she won't be at work. Meaning the ex husband will have more compulsion to pay heavily to support the family. Furthermore it will make fifty/fifty residency more complicated because she will be able to argue that would disrupt the kids education.
It sounds to me like the growing apart if a lot more on his side op, and she's punishing him. I would get over there asap and talk to her about this. Getting at him through the kids won't make him love her again.

Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read this and offer me an opinion - it's nice to know I'm not completely alone in feeling angry but also I really appreciate the alternative opinions I've been given. Quite happy to accept that I definitely have it in me to be an interfering cow.

I think I titled this in haste and anger: having thought it through slightly more I don't think it's actually home education (not schooling, sorry) that's the issue. It clearly works fantastically for some families and like everything, has its positives and negatives. It's more the fact that she doesn't seem to be in a position where it could ever be feasible as she works and it also seems to be a completely impulsive decision. I'm just not sure the consequences to such a big decision have been thought through. My anger isn't directed at home education in general, but this specific situation. I'm shocked at the way she seems to be behaving and this is perhaps the camels back in the context of her seemingly having a personality transplant.

Honestly, I really truly don't believe there could be another woman. My husband would definitely know and I don't think he would lie to me or morally condone it. To the posters asking about why I haven't spoken to her. I have seen her briefly a few times since they decided to split, as we were sharing lifts to a summer camp and I told her how sorry I was, how I wanted to remain friends etc. It's in the last 2 weeks that all the changes have taken place and I haven't seen her in that time. I have made multiple attempts to call. Maybe tomorrow I just need to go round in the evening with a bottle of wine. Regardless of whether she wants to maintain a friendship with me, I think if the boys lost contact it would be a tragedy.

To be honest - your husband's friend needs to get legal advice and put some effort in fighting for access and if he doesn't agree with the home schooling then for a say in their schooling too. There are things he can do, and via the courts if they can't mediate. But if he doesn't put the effort in, then he can't complain.

Oh. A crazy ex. Aren't they all dreadful.

Im sure there will be another side to this very one-sided sounding story. Funny how you havent seen her. Hope the stbxh hasnt been pouring poison in her ears you. If shes avoiding you that may be reason. cynical old bat alert

It sounds to me that something happened that made her scared to lose the kids or that the kids might be harmed in a way so she wants to keep them really close to her.

Well something's going on, I'd bet a lot of money it's another woman (it always is - well 99% of the time). He's had his head turned, and you'll be introduced to the new gf in a couple of months.

I would definitely do the bottle of wine thing - and just say to her, I just wanted to say how sorry I was, and check you were ok etc etc.

Don't mention or comment on the HE thing at all - but yes, it does sound a tad strange to suddenly HE out of the blue like that. HE can be v successful - but usually stems from a long thought out family philosophy, or SN, or problems at school.

...they had been unhappy for a while and coexisting as friends rather than lovers

A massive hint of another woman on the scene - that's what they always say. On MN, and divorced couples I've known IRL.

The thing is, maybe she had been thinking about HE for a while but it wasn't something she openly discussed with you because she knew you'd disapprove

To be honest - your husband's friend needs to get legal advice and put some effort in fighting for access and if he doesn't agree with the home schooling then for a say in their schooling too. There are things he can do, and via the courts if they can't mediate. But if he doesn't put the effort in, then he can't complain.

Totally agree with this.

I can't believe how obsessed mumsnet are with there being another woman. Its completely irrelevant. It may explain the mother's anger but it doesn't mean she has a right to prevent the children from seeing their father or attending the schools they had jointly decided were best for them.

I hope he fights for his kids.

What a massive assumption that hes had the affair.Maybe its her.Or maybe they did fall out of love who knows.I think the op being concerned is good.but its the way she goes about it.

Do the kids actually want to be pulled from school? I've seen it happen when the children weren't keen (one was, the others had to go along with it) and it was bloody awful. Thankfully their father got bored saw sense and let them return after a year.

I'm not against home ed btw, not when it's in a child's best interests.

You are being a judgy overbearing cow. (That knows bollocks all about home education -it's not called home schooling in the U.K. FYI) You clearly can't be as close as you thought if you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship breakdown. You don't need to be a teacher to home educate and why do you assume they will want to do physics etc anyway? Educate yourself. Or keep your nose out.

For goodness sake home schooling means home education to most of us. We all know what the OP meant. It doesn't mean I hate it or judge people who home school/educate/teach it just because I misused the term!

I would definitely do the bottle of wine thing - and just say to her, I just wanted to say how sorry I was, and check you were ok etc etc.

^^ This. There is definitely something afoot that requires a bit of calm listening, especially if this is a friend of 20 years. It will be difficult to keep a step back since you know both of the couple, but worth it if you want to keep your sons friendship going.

People are saying there is OW, because it really is a classic story. One partner tells the other that they have grown apart and things are not the same as they used to be and we have grown apart, like brother and sister, not lovers. The other goes along with it because there is no answer really because that is what it has been like recently. And this is because the first partner, on having their head turned, has already been cooling off the relationship because their affections are engaged elsewhere, and is gaslighting the other into believing that it is a mutual feeling. It makes the split 'easier', then after a suitable time, the new relationship can appear. It has happened to so many people I know that it is unbelievable. Unfortunately, the plot usually unravels at some point and there are fireworks.

The last thread I read a woman found out her husband was using prostitutes and they suggested withdrawing contact until solicitors are involve -

She must have a reason - the kids aren't babies by the sounds of it.

Go and see her - talk if she wants to - listen if she wants you to - don't judge or pass comment - the boys will remain friends fin it's meant to be, but it look so like you're in his side at the moment.

If she tells you anything keep it to yourself, I wouldn't even tell your DH until the dust settles, same applies if he's said anything.
Don't get caught in the middle

Amazing that a thread about someone who is going through a massive upheaval and has suddenly decided to make a life changing decision with no warning that has the potential to seriously alter her children's lives has turned into a thread bashing the OP for being uniformed about home schooling. FWIW, the OPs friend can hardly be that well informed given she's only thought about it in the last two weeks.

OP agree with the bottle of wine idea, and with regards the schooling, there's no harm in gently pointing out 'act in haste, repent at leisure' while being supportive. We've all made decisions with little regards for consequences when emotions are running high, sounds like your friend needs someone in her corner so that she can make sure whichever way she decides, it's with all the facts laid clear.

Hope it goes well! Good luck.

Thinly veiled dog at homeschooling and a pile on by people who have no idea of what home ed entails (although good to see so many other home edders!)

I started reading the post and thought it had the wrong title or I'd clicked on the wrong one. All that ranting and you focus on home ed? Try to have an open mind, it is a wonderful path for many, many children.

*dig, not a thinly veiled dog 😂

I wouldn't get involved with any of the things happening right now. Don't assume any decisions will be permanent. They may, they may not.

But right now, they're breaking up and it's horrible and raw and desperate. Wait until the dust settles. It may take many months.

Just hold your horses, show you care, and wait. No judgement. You cannot ever know what's going on in the inside of a relationship. So don't put yourself in there, only room for two.

Their lives as they know it have been turned upside down and they are figuring it out. The woman's priority isn't going to be calming you down and reassuring you about and keeping you up to date with her decisions for her own children.
You never, ever know what goes on behind closed doors and it isn't your right to know, either.
Going round with a bottle of wine is a great idea- if it's purely to offer support and be a friend rather than to get the lowdown or pry into her life.

I think you're right to be concerned but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it. I'm absolutely against home education and I have a lot of experience with it.

Also if you had come on here saying you only had the woman's side of the story, you'd be getting different replies.

She sounds mad - however, stay out of it OP. You'll only cause trouble and grief.