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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fucking home-schooling

109 replies

8oo8s · 16/08/2017 20:27

Disclaimer: Ok, so I am really angry, which might be skewing my view on this and therefore I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My husband's best friend from school and his wife have always lived just around the corner from us. We all had our children around the same time and our eldest son is in the same year group at school as their son (T) and they have been in the same class all through primary school. Having grown up together they are more like brothers than mates and together with our other children, we all socialise together frequently. Although the friendship came from our husbands, I'd like to think that after 20 years, I could call the wife one of my close friends. Our son and T are due to start the same secondary school in September.

A few weeks ago husbands best mate came over to tell us that the marriage is over. No cheating on either part apparently, they had just drifted. From what he said this was a mutual decision and they had been unhappy for a while and coexisting as friends rather than lovers. Big shock to us as they had seemed really happy and neither mentioned any problems. Obviously we love them both and told him we want to maintain friendship with both of them and support them both in any way we can.

Since then, all shit seems to have hit the pan. Husbands mate has moved back home and she has stayed in the house - completely fair, she's the primary carer etc. However, she is being absolutely appalling when it comes to contact, refusing to let him see the kids, even when he's got days off they are being carted off to her mums as she's working. All communication has broken down between them and it seems like a horrible environment for them all.

Tonight, our son got a text from T telling him that he's not going to the secondary school next year as his mum is homeschooling them at home. We contacted our friend and he confirmed this, saying she's adamant that's what is happening and has refused to engage in a conversation about it. Before this she had never mentioned and interest in homeschooling. Although a clearly intelligent woman, she has no qualifications in teaching and I just feel that the kids are going to be so horribly let down. How can she teach physics and geography having only done them to GCSE level and not looked at them ever since?!

Maybe I am massively over invested but I've known these kids since they were babies and I feel like their future is just being thrown away. I wonder if she's having a breakdown - I've tried to contact her but have heard nothing. I'm just so angry that she's doing this and it almost seems like an attempt to punish their dad by harming the kids.

Tell me I'm being a judgy overbearing cow but I just feel like this isn't right and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 16/08/2017 21:22

Witsender
But how would she know? What conversations, what research has been done? I know when we pulled out daughter out to some it may have seemed out of the blue, but we had been working out the logistics etc for ages before deciding to go for it.

This isn't a joint decision between two parents though. The father has an equal right to decide how his children should be educated and hasn't consented to this. Its irrelevant if there has been an affair.The OP can't do much though except encourage him to get legal help.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 16/08/2017 21:23

@lifeinthecountry do you think the ones you see are representative of all homeschooled children? The ones I see have their children whip them out in a reactionary way, as OP's friend appears to be, aren't prepared for anything, resent the fact they have to give up their job (there's your expense for home schooling!), can't cope with it because they've got themselves into a fucking mess, then crawl back to school after leaving ranting and raving about how shit they are less than a year later.

Do you think OP's friend fits more in the ones I see, or the ones you see? Because OP's friend's choice seems to be uninformed. Also, it's understandable you'd ignore experts in your community. That's the entire foundation of it.

BeakersofNaiceHam · 16/08/2017 21:25

I agree you need to stay out of this that way you have a chance of maintaining a friendship between your son and hers. That will be nice for both boys. Any attempt to interfere in her plans or criticise her choices will just drive her away and you will lose contact.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 16/08/2017 21:27

To be honest OP, it is really none of your business, just focus on your own child(ren)

Viviennemary · 16/08/2017 21:27

I agree with folk who say you are over-invested in this. I don't really agree with home schooling. But it wouldn't really be any of my business if a friend decided to homeschool unless they asked for my opinion. And I also agree you can't be sure of what is going on here or what has gone on to bring about all this.

starsorwater · 16/08/2017 21:28

If I were you I send a message saying twenty years of family friendship means a lot to you, you don't want to take sides, you want to mind your own business, but if there's any way you can help or support her through all the new changes she only has to ask.

Then do it, with no judgement.

Starlight2345 · 16/08/2017 21:30

There is a lot of speculation on this thread about whether he has had an affair...How is any of this relevant to the child. The DC needs contact with his Dad..Also it seems he is been homeschooled at very short notice.

Have you seen the wife? I would arrange to catch up if not..However do not get yourself in the middle of this. This child was clearly about to start high school ..How does this sudden change help anything..It stinks of using child as a pawn here. But you can't change it...So whatever you do make sure you don't take sides in this.

Did your DS say how T felt about it?

grannytomine · 16/08/2017 21:32

Homeschooling is (generally) ridiculous and is usually practiced by parents who haven't got their kids into the school of the choice and think for some bizarre reason it will put pressure on the council/academy to admit the child. OR they are religious types who don't want their kids mixing with heathens. I did it for 5 years with mine and none of those things applied to me or any of the families we did activities with. Most of the families had one parent working as a teacher, not us, and in one family the father was the Head at an outstanding school. The thing that linked all of us was being disillusioned with the system.

LittleOwl153 · 16/08/2017 21:32

Schooling is a decision made by both parents. Unless a court had ordered the non-contact, and even then is some cases, their dad has an entitlement to a say in their education - including the change or removal from school. Sounds like their dad needs to take the matter to court and get a contact order, and if he has issues with it - an order on the kids schooling.

Ok however I think you need to be careful in what you get involved in as these things have a habit of backfiring!

SerfTerf · 16/08/2017 21:34

It seems more likely that disagreement over education and similar was a catalyst to the split.

Complicated OW, scorned wife, DC as pawns narrative feels like a LOT to keep quiet.

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 21:34

You do have a point about the homeschooling, it can work but it doesn't look like it's been thought through and seems like a knee-jerk decision. But it actually has nothing to do with you.

There is a place for homeschooling, it can be good for children who have been adopted or have SEN that aren't having their needs met by the education system. It can also be done because of bullying. But I don't think it's ideal, I know families who have done it, and I don't agree with them but it's their decision.

As a pp has said your DS should see if his friend would like to see him. He will be missing his school friends and feeling lost with all the change.

You were friendly with their mum before, she'll be needing support now and you and your DH really shouldn't be taking sides in this. You'll have a better chance of helping them through this if you manage to refrain from judging either of them.

randomnumbersuser · 16/08/2017 21:35

Tingly spider senses - are you the Other Woman? Cos sure as shit there is one and it's something to do with the school - he's been with one of the parents or one of the teachers.

If she's your mate of 20 years why aren't you talking to her about it? cos you're doing her husband

SerfTerf · 16/08/2017 21:36

FGS don't go out to lunch with her to pump her for info or criticise.

Steer well clear, since you're "raging".

theabysswithin · 16/08/2017 21:36

I am also extremely sceptical -- to put it mildly - as to whether home education is good for children.

But I agree that this isn't really the issue and I think you are probably clutching at this because you're shocked at the breakdown of the marriage and worried that the parents are going to act in the best interests of the children.

I think you do need to separate the two things. The concern for the children if the breakup is going to be messy is understandable and there's not much you can do about this beyond being even-handed and supportive. But unless you think the mum is doing the home ed thing deliberately to piss off her ex, its not really relevant.

Neither is the reason the marriage broke down, really...

Just try as hard as you can not to get dragged into it.

Lenny1980 · 16/08/2017 21:40

I'm genuinely amazed at some of the comments on here. OP says her friend has never mentioned home schooling (sorry, home education, Iike that really matters...), she's concerned her friend is having a breakdown, and you're all telling her to butt out? Really?

randomnumbersuser · 16/08/2017 21:42

theabysswithin, I think people's misgivings around home ed are usually related to their view of what education is meant to be, and what it looks like. What prompts your unease about it?

BrandNewHouse · 16/08/2017 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gluteustothemaximus · 16/08/2017 21:45

Maybe the title should have been 'help, my friend is having a breakdown'.

Not 'fuck home-schooling'

Hmm
KERALA1 · 16/08/2017 21:45

Exactly Lenny. The op obviously has the dc best interests at heart. This doesn't sound like a carefully considered decision with both parents on board. Home ed never mentioned then marriage breaks up and kids whisked out of school. Whether he has had an affair or not is irrelevant Hmm

biscuitmillionaire · 16/08/2017 21:47

I feel sorry for the boy in all this. Moving up to secondary is a big deal for children and it sounds like he was prepared to take his place, but his mother has pulled him out. All his friends will be talking about starting at secondary, they might all be starting at the same school - except for him. Imagine having to deal with that, as well as your parents' break-up. Poor lad.

I would try to meet her for a coffee and offer your support, in case she is having some kind of breakdown.

I also agree it's very likely you don't know the whole story.

SerfTerf · 16/08/2017 21:48

she's concerned her friend is having a breakdown, and you're all telling her to butt out? Really?

No she's not. She's "raging" and "really angry" because she thinks the DCs' "future is being thrown away".

The mention of a possible breakdown is incidental to a narrative of rage about the education choice.

Not her DC. None of her business. Even more important to stay away since she's so angry.

Sistersofmercy101 · 16/08/2017 21:48

So OP have you only heard HIS side of the story?
*marriage appeared 'perfect' beforehand

  • he appears calm and rational
  • she appears to be 'irrantional'
  • he says she nuts
  • he says she's messing with contact / denying contact Yeah, sorry OP this doesn't add up at all... Two likely scenarios A) she's had a personality transplant and become a bitter nasty twisted individual and is doing this out of spite (or she's had a nervous breakdown) B) there is something that he has done that has caused her to kick him out and desperately trying to keep him away from the children (and she isn't telling all and sundry because of embarrassment or fear of not being believed). The fact that you've only heard his side of the story and she's disappeared communication wise are very telling... Also home ed / home schooling can work extremely well especially if the teaching parent is intelligent, organised, well educated, well researched and willing to sort out resources independently. She supposed to be your friend WHY are you just accepting one side without worrying about hers?!
Northernparent68 · 16/08/2017 21:53

I'm not sure why some posters are jumping to the conclusion there's an ow, relationships end for a variety of reasons, Maybe she ended it

MrGHardy · 16/08/2017 21:55

That woman sounds batshit crazy. He should lawyer up and use you as character witnesses. Get the kids away from her. Giving them to her mum when the dad has days off...Imagine the other way round, the uproar.

SerfTerf · 16/08/2017 21:56

Maybe the title should have been 'help, my friend is having a breakdown'.

I don't think she gives a toss about her "friend's" MH.