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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking home-schooling

109 replies

8oo8s · 16/08/2017 20:27

Disclaimer: Ok, so I am really angry, which might be skewing my view on this and therefore I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My husband's best friend from school and his wife have always lived just around the corner from us. We all had our children around the same time and our eldest son is in the same year group at school as their son (T) and they have been in the same class all through primary school. Having grown up together they are more like brothers than mates and together with our other children, we all socialise together frequently. Although the friendship came from our husbands, I'd like to think that after 20 years, I could call the wife one of my close friends. Our son and T are due to start the same secondary school in September.

A few weeks ago husbands best mate came over to tell us that the marriage is over. No cheating on either part apparently, they had just drifted. From what he said this was a mutual decision and they had been unhappy for a while and coexisting as friends rather than lovers. Big shock to us as they had seemed really happy and neither mentioned any problems. Obviously we love them both and told him we want to maintain friendship with both of them and support them both in any way we can.

Since then, all shit seems to have hit the pan. Husbands mate has moved back home and she has stayed in the house - completely fair, she's the primary carer etc. However, she is being absolutely appalling when it comes to contact, refusing to let him see the kids, even when he's got days off they are being carted off to her mums as she's working. All communication has broken down between them and it seems like a horrible environment for them all.

Tonight, our son got a text from T telling him that he's not going to the secondary school next year as his mum is homeschooling them at home. We contacted our friend and he confirmed this, saying she's adamant that's what is happening and has refused to engage in a conversation about it. Before this she had never mentioned and interest in homeschooling. Although a clearly intelligent woman, she has no qualifications in teaching and I just feel that the kids are going to be so horribly let down. How can she teach physics and geography having only done them to GCSE level and not looked at them ever since?!

Maybe I am massively over invested but I've known these kids since they were babies and I feel like their future is just being thrown away. I wonder if she's having a breakdown - I've tried to contact her but have heard nothing. I'm just so angry that she's doing this and it almost seems like an attempt to punish their dad by harming the kids.

Tell me I'm being a judgy overbearing cow but I just feel like this isn't right and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
sororitynoise · 16/08/2017 20:59

Mind your business

Minkyfluffster · 16/08/2017 20:59

This very identifying OP, what if the Daily Mail gets hold of this?

How about you go out for a drink/dinner with her and have a chat!?

RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 20:59

I think it's an emotionally fraught time for her to be making a decision that big with no discussion.

But if she is having breakdown there's nothing you can do about it.

She may find the homeschooling too much, or the children may not like it and ask to go back to mainstream school.

I would just take a step back.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/08/2017 20:59

'Raging' is not an appropriate response when she might have an entirely different story.

You've clearly (maybe inadvertently) given her the idea you're not on 'her side' - or she thinks that. Either way you need to dial back the anger and just ask how she is/meet up for a drink - and wait for the reasons to come out naturally.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 16/08/2017 21:01

Cherchez la femme would be my theory too.

ludothedog · 16/08/2017 21:01

Of course you care about your friends and their children, I don't think you sound over invested at all and I think you raise some legitimate concerns. However I am sure there is loads more going on than you know about.

Sadly there is nothing that you can do about it. I would keep trying to reach out to your friend but not lecture her about her choices.

happy2bhomely · 16/08/2017 21:02

I home educate our 3 youngest dc. It is clear that you don't understand how it works, but that's fine. It's not for everyone. It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you do it.

It is my understanding that she can't just decide that she is going to home ed without her husband's agreement. He is just as responsible for their education and if he feels it would be better for them to stay at school then he has just as much of a say as she does. It might end up having to be decided by a court.

As for what you do. You do nothing. It's none of your business at all although I agree that it is appalling if she is blocking contact between the children and their father.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 16/08/2017 21:02

@lifeinthecountry is it not? So home education requires absolutely no time? You can home school an 11 year old working full time (as OP's friend appears to, as she has to give kids to her DM)? You can go it absolutely alone and have it go A OK? It requires no money? You're okay to have it be an impulsive decision rather than being planned? The LEA won't be inspecting your instruction and issuing an SAO if you're failing your children on education? Leading home education expert Dr Helen Lees is clearly less qualified than you on the subject then?

Ummmmgogo · 16/08/2017 21:05

yanbu. don't think that there is anything you can do about it though, apart from trying your best to stay in touch with the wife and kids x

Witsender · 16/08/2017 21:07

The LEA have no remit to inspect anyone's instruction unless they have reason to believe a child is being failed.

That aside, your issue isn't the HE. Or at least it shouldn't be your issue is that you are worried about all these enormous changes that are happening and feel out of the loop. Understandable, but don't get hung up on the wrong thing.

Gilly12345 · 16/08/2017 21:08

I think you are too involved and should keep out of this mess until the dust settles, concern yourself with your own family as I think there is more to the marriage breakdown than you may be aware of.

Marriages break down all the time and there are two sides to every story.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/08/2017 21:08

I'm sure she's thought it through

why?

It sounds like you see these children as family and I would definitely feel the same as you if my nephew/neice was suddenly pulled out of school. The bigger issue is that she is stopping them from seeing their dad which seems awful.

However

There's clearly more to the story than you know either in the form of something that has happened between them that hasn't been shared with you or something that is happening to her emotionally. ( like a breakdown)

I am sorry to say there is very little you can do but contacting her and offering support and also suggesting to him that he gets a good solicitor because he has a say in their education ( and obviously contact) too and he shouldn't let the dust settle.

A lot of misinformed views of secondary education on this thread. Secondary schools can be fantastic places with lots of curricular and extra-curricular opportunities. They are staffed by trained professionals who are usually experts with degrees in their chosen subject. It is a very big deal to pull your children out. Home schooling is an option but needs a lot of financing, a lot of research and a lot of dedication. The OP suggests this is out of the blue and on a whim.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/08/2017 21:09

niece

Witsender · 16/08/2017 21:10

But how would she know? What conversations, what research has been done? I know when we pulled out daughter out to some it may have seemed out of the blue, but we had been working out the logistics etc for ages before deciding to go for it.

JaneEyre70 · 16/08/2017 21:10

Never judge until you have heard both sides of the story. You're getting one at the moment, and there are always two. She may have very valid reasons for doing so. I'd make the effort to pop in one day, with a small bunch of flowers or a cake and just check she's OK.

JamesBlonde1 · 16/08/2017 21:12

I don't think you sound over invested either. You don't have to be related to children to care about them and her too. You've know them for a huge amount of time. And as you know her, you're guessing something is wrong for her to start making such unusual choices.

You will also be trying to manage your DS's feelings about why he's losing his best pal. Quite right, you're bamboozled about her choices so it'll be difficult to explain positively to your son. Well, you can't can you? How do you explain "his mother has lost the plot!"

As those who teach at home have an opinion on schools, you're entitled to your opinion on their choice. And WTF does it matter if it's called home schooling or home education.

As a lawyer I'm wondering if she's using home schooling as an excuse to avoid working, thus ££££ when it comes to the financial settlement. "I can't work, I have to teach the children!" The husband wants to get a court application in sharpish to make sure the lad starts school as expected in September. If he's worried about solicitor costs tell him to just get on with it himself. Application for specific issue order and child arrangements for contact whilst he is on.

riceuten · 16/08/2017 21:13

Homeschooling is (generally) ridiculous and is usually practiced by parents who haven't got their kids into the school of the choice and think for some bizarre reason it will put pressure on the council/academy to admit the child. OR they are religious types who don't want their kids mixing with heathens. But....this has nothing to do with you. You can have a view on it, sure, but the real issue is access to the children. Her homeschooling probably has some drearily predictable reason behind it, but it's a free world.

Mrscaindingle · 16/08/2017 21:15

I also think you sound massvely over invested and think that being angry about it is a bit weird even if you have known the children for a long time. Clearly you don't know the half of what is going on and am thinking that if you got your information from DH's BF then you have have been given half a story. It is very common for men who have left their marriages to portray their ex to be crazy and embittered to try and minimise their own part in the break up as if to say look what I have had to put up with no wonder I fell in to the arms of another

I suggest you actually talk to and listen to your friend and forget about being angry with her for her decisions, be they rash or considered, on how she educates her own children.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2017 21:16

Have you actually seen or spoken to her since the split?

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/08/2017 21:16

Homeschooling does not mean 'no education'.

Well...good, since no-one said it did, least of all the OP.

I think her concerns are more that the mother has no knowledge of what she will be teaching, which would surely make teaching it less than ideal?

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/08/2017 21:17

I doubt very much that your DH's friend has told him both sides of the story. He's told him his side. Nobody wants to admit to their own wrongdoing, particularly when it involves ending a marriage and leaving children (and I say that about both parties, not just the DH).

If you're concerned for her wellbeing, go and see her. Listen. Go round there and listen to what she's saying rather than forming your own opinions about a situation you're not involved in. If you can't listen with empathy, stay away and just try to let them get on with it as politely as you can.

As for the HE, I used to be very against it (I teach Reception). As my DCs have begun school and I've sen it from the parents perspective, I understand why parents would choose it in some instances. If High School doesn't work for DS1 who has ASD I'd look into it. It's not lazy or ignorant. Just a different way to educate.

lifeinthecountry · 16/08/2017 21:19

GetOutofMyGarden

In your first pargraph you said:

I agree that homeschool is difficult to make work.

No it's not, many families do so successfully throughout the UK.

If you're not a teacher, you need an exceptionally self motivated child

No you don't, HE often suits less well-motivated children very well because it allows them to follow their own interests rather than being forced to fit within the rigid context of school. Self-motivated children will do well whatever environment you put them in, even a really underfunded school with massive class sizes.

a lot of money for resources

There are many, many high-quality free and low-cost resources available for Home Educators. You can choose to spend a lot on it - personally I spend over £3000 a year on online school fees, but I also know others who do a brilliant job on a very low budget.

a lot of time to teach and prepare teaching, a network of homeschoolers to work with

Or you use combinations of tutors/online school or courses/local clubs, etc.

I've seen it work, but more often I've seen parents beg for schools to squeeze their kids back in by the following year.

Bollocks. I've been involved in HE for over 26 years and this is extremely rare. Do some children go in and out of school over time, yes, does that mean their parents are 'begging' for them to be 'squeezed in.' No, that's ridiculous.

There are few academics in this field who are respected within the HE community, for good reasons.

There is clearly an issue re the OP's friend in that the children's father should also be consulted about any decision regarding their education. But as others have pointed out, this sounds like a nasty split, the OP obviously doesn't know the full story, and that's an issue about the relationship, not about HE.

EB123 · 16/08/2017 21:20

Lol rice I home educate. I didn't apply for any schools for my child and we don't follow any religion

Anyway OP yes you can care about these children but really YABU, you don't know the whole story.

sparechange · 16/08/2017 21:20

I know this won't be a popular view, but YANBU

This is the sort of shit my mother tried to pull when my parents got divorced, and it was her having the affair.

She threatened to pull my brother out of his lovely school and home school him, because the school were sending my dad his school reports. She would also hide us away with random people on his contact days, and not tell him, so he would turn up to an empty house to collect us and then not be able to find us.

My brother was only 14 at the time, and he was so upset at being taken out of his school that he ended up going through the courts to be allowed to move in with my dad so he could stay there. She fought it all the way and it was horrendous for us all.

I'm not saying this is what your friend will do, but I've seen first hand someone go from normal loving parents to full on nutcase in a short space of time, where the ONLY motivation was to hurt the other parent in every way possible, regardless of the damage to the children.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 16/08/2017 21:20

Riceuten i home educate for neither of those reasons, and I know no one else who home educates because they haven't got into a school they wanted. I know religious people who home educate but that's not their reason for home educating, because they let their kids hang around with all the heathen home ed kids. So how much do you actually know about home education?